Red

The voices

Dear myself,

Hey, how's life? The usual? And that is a struggle. The usual. What does that mean when I say it? It means trauma. It means I am trying to fight but I am not strong enough. It means I need help. I got no one.

No one but myself. My friends. The people who want to be more than friends. The guys. The parents. The thing is if I tell them everything they won't see me as the same girl. They'll think I am crazy.

I don't tell people about the voices. Does anyone have these voices? Telling you want to do. Telling you about who you are. No matter which one speaks they will always push me down. I have two voices, a good and a bad one.

The bad one tells me how I shouldn't worry about what people say. I am invisible anyways. He tells me I don't matter to anyone so I have to stand out. He says I have to always say yes and use people to get my way.

I named him and I hate him. His name is Maynard. He is always hungry for control. He wants me to be a bad as I can. I do have times where he takes over. Maynard hates it when people call me innocent. To him, it is a disgrace. So he takes over and controls me. I do whatever he say until I can get my control back from him.

The other voice doesn't speak to me a lot. Her name is Alona. She is a kind and mostly quiet. She is often pushed around by Maynard but she will try to step in as much as she can. She always there just she can't really get anything out. She will sometimes whisper in my ear. Telling me to be my own person and not let Maynard control me.

I know what they look like.

Maynard isn’t like a devil on my shoulder. He has dark blonde hair that is almost brown which is always wore pushed back like some kind of rich man. He is tall and well-built, as some say. Clean-shaved and sharp jawline. He tends to always look angry.But his eyes are what is special that doesn't make him like a human. Our eyes are always black on the inside, whatever color in the middle, and white on the outside of the pupil. His eyes are red on the inside, black in the middle, and red on the outside.

Alona has long curly black hair. Her hair goes all the way down to her hips and she has bangs covering half of her face. She face is in an heart shape. She is covered with covers and bruises which she tries to hide. Her eyes are always seeking for help. Her eyes are more normal. The center is a navy blue, the middle is gold like and the outside is silver.

If she is in the dark, her eyes glow lighting up so we both can see. When the lights go off she tries to him because no one can protect her then. Some people says the Jesus is the light in their life. That is true for me. But when that light is pushed away, Alona has to hide.

Alona tell me to bring him back. Begging to be saved from Maynard but I can't stop him. He knows how to control me. He knew from day one but I-i am just learning. I just call for Jesus to come back. He never comes right away to stop Maynard. He stops and helps Alona.

She is always afraid and she makes me scared too. I am scared that Maynard will never go away. I am scared that one day, Alona will die and he will take control. They can die by each other or if I just stop letting them choose my paths.

I believe I can stop Maynard but I don't want to kill him. He tells me how to kill them and tries to force me to kill Alona. She doesn't deserve it though.

I don't want my positivity to die.

Until that day,

Asia