Red

Our lives

I am not a strong person. I always got hurt easily and tried to keep myself stable. As of the moment I have my second concussion I have ever had. No one understands except my mother how bad it is for me to be hurt. I don't heal and if I do, it takes forever.

My first concussion I wasn't even half way back to normal until a year later. I haven't got easy A's ever since. I don't have an learn disabilities. I am still smarter than I like to think just I don't remember how to use it. That's why I write. This whole story about myself is to remember what I use to be like. When I was freshly damaged because of a broken home. When I tried to do my best for a hope if a proud mom. For a hope of a happy family with or without my dad.

I know it was silly but that's what I wanted. I wanted my dad to actually somehow be the father he was suppose to be. The father who carried me to the hospital after I drank that crap in the bottle. The father who looked at me with begging eyes to drink the medicine so I can get the poison out of my system.

I am a lot like him but the thing is; if I was planning on to kill myself, no one will no. I'll write my goodbye letter to my mom, to my so-called friends, to the world and let the poison run throughout my body. I have enough drive to do what I tell myself. My dad doesn't. He can say it. He can pretend to do it. In the end, I know he's too much of a chicken. All he wants in life is attention.

What do I want? I want to be someone else or dead. I want to be someone other than a messed up girl. The worst part is, no one knows how messed up I am. My mom and our family puts on an act. We pretend to be this happy little broken family until one of us snaps. Then our true colors show.

I try to avoid everyone, to walk away, or try to defend myself or my sister. My brother will try to insulate and throw punches. My sister will cry and scream. My mom is an messed up combination of us all.

I always was since as the innocent one to my friends. Sure, I don't try to hook up with every guy I think is cute. (Which never been a lot. I only liked two guys before and one I still do.) Just compared to my life it's just a walk in the park. They call me up saying their pet died. Well, my dad killed my pets and my baby sister.

I try to give them sympathy but it's hard. I don't know if I should actually be patting them on the back or telling them that I know worse. I am more like a robot when it comes to trying to cheer people up. I normally keep everything bottled up so I don't have to deal with the tears or pain. I am more physically strong than emotionally.

But at least I work better in pain. If there is tears, there will be some kind of message with enough meaning to bring people to tears before finishing it or a drawing of the stuff that I go through. Why do people cry in the first place? Studies show that people who cry a lot end up dying at early age and with severe mental issues.

I cry too much. I cry so much that I can't go through a day without tearing up. When I do break down I try hiding and that's when I do something stupid. I keep it with me almost everywhere. I stopped myself but from time to time I feel as if I need it. I need physically pain because I can't stand emotional pain.

I can't say any of this to anyone. I will break down before I can. I want to be able to actually have someone there. Someone who cares and will try to help me. I get told or yelled at not to do it and that I am an i***t because of it. If I don't I'll be dead already.

If you see anyone suffering like this, never yell. It just makes things worse. Be supportive and caring. Give them a freaking hug! Let them cry on your shoulder instead of letting them feel useless. If I had this person, I wouldn't be always thinking of suicide. I would be happy with the crappy life I have. We all have these problems in life though, don't we?

No matter if you're rich or poor. Complete or empty. We all have horrible moments in this crap of a world, with the people who gives no f's about us. What if we don't have to life in fear of others? What if we can rise above it all and help each other?

Before I die, I want to help people unite together and take a stand as one. I want to be part of something bigger than myself. I want to spread out a message to others. I want people to know we are stronger together and all have the same hearts. We all have feelings even the cruelest of us all but sometimes the cruelest just needs a friend.

Silly me, talking about dreams again. It's just stupid goal in life. It's what I been striving for. I just have no purpose without it. I can't think of myself without it. My life pretty much revolve around this stupid dream of becoming a singer. I thought about, prayed, and tried my hardest to work on improving myself so I have a chance.

I guess I never got the mento that dreams don't always work out. Yet, I still believe I have a freaking chance. I want to sing. I want to act. I want to spread my message that dreams come true. Just I need my dream to come true first. Hell, like that would actually happen.

If I want this to work out, I need to learn to be confident. How to be confident? I have yet to find out.