I Want a Divorce

—Maybe you and Ivo should take some time apart. You've always been an unconventional couple, and I know your children —It seemed like my friend was biting his tongue to avoid telling me something—… Don't take it the wrong way, Regina, but this… this doesn't look good… I mean, look at us, I'm sitting here with you celebrating your anniversary while he's off who knows where… —Let's not talk about that anymore —I interrupted—, you'll make me feel worse than I already do, David, I asked you to come not to pity my misery, but to rescue me, even if just a little… —Alright. —He said tersely, taking a sip of wine— So, what do you want to talk about? […] The sky rumbled and a lightning bolt, slipping through the clouds, illuminated everything, pulling me out of my memories. The morning was cold, and the storm clouds poured their fierce violence over the city. I watched the spectacle from my balcony, with a steaming cup of coffee in my hands; it seemed the weather reflected what I had been hiding for months: anguish, depression, and anger. My psychologist had advised me a couple of times to try to talk about it to find a solution, but whenever I tried to express how I felt, I was met with rejections, as there was never time or there was something to do like fixing the sink leak or pending work from the office; at the end of the day, he was tired and ended up falling asleep next to me, facing the other side of the huge room, and I ended up sleeping alone on the other side of the bed, with my back to him and worry piling up on my shoulders. Financial problems were ever-present, lurking around every corner, the result of poor financial management and a couple of failed businesses. Whenever I wanted to get involved in understanding the financial matters, I was met with a door slammed in my face by my husband. My job was the only thing that seemed to keep me afloat, not counting my children, of course. But lately, the dissatisfaction I felt even when standing in front of my class caused me to have my emotional stability hanging by a thread. I sighed heavily, freeing myself a little from the ropes that bound me, letting my energy flow with the weather, as if I were caught in a tropical storm in a neighboring state. I brought the coffee to my mouth to sip from the cup and stay glued to the aroma. I wasn't cold, even though I was in pajamas, braless, and barefoot, my bare feet were soaked by the water that reached them, my hair somewhat damp, the smell of rain and wet earth, I felt everything and was grateful for it, I found myself in a strange mix of feelings, trying not to fall into the depression that had long been looming. —Regina? Where are you? —my husband's bland and barely audible voice called out. «And now what does he want?» I scoffed as the thought crossed my mind. «He's probably lost his clothes or the remote control…» I thought as I took another sip from my large cup with calm and some annoyance. I heard my husband's heavy footsteps throughout the living room, calling my name over and over, each time with more insistence. I decided to ignore it, I didn't want to solve his life, not after he had made me feel like the least desirable and stupidest person in the world just a few hours before. And it's not that he said anything, but his way of treating me had made me completely lose hope in this relationship, at least for the moment. The kids had gone on vacation with my mother and her boyfriend, Stan. They would spend a few days at the beach house of the dashing engineer, now my mom's fiancé. They would go along with my younger siblings. I was also invited, but I declined because the weekend they'd be away was the same as my wedding anniversary with Ivo. Of course, my husband didn't remember or at least didn't show any signs of remembering; on the contrary, he left me waiting at the restaurant the night before, which was exactly what I was recalling before the lightning distracted me. My heart ached after waiting for him for what felt like an eternity, first because something work-related came up at the last minute and, being the director of a respectable but new company, he had these kinds of issues that needed to be resolved immediately so we could pay off the accumulating debts. After a while of waiting, he called and said he had to go out in the middle of the night to check the raw materials arriving at the company, and the traffic was unforgiving, so it would take him a little more than two hours to be free. I had finished the wine when that happened and decided to call my friend to have dinner with me, just so I wouldn't feel even more ridiculous than I already did; David lived just a few blocks away, and luckily he arrived in less time than it took for the dinner I ordered to be served. We stayed at the restaurant until he was convinced that I was a bit better than when he found me. I returned home feeling listless, messing up my hair while taking off my black dress, stockings, and heels, just to stay in lingerie and drink another bottle of Spanish red wine, in the dim light of the house, while a suspense series, the first one I came across, played on the TV. I suppose I still had hope that Ivo would arrive with an apology and maybe a bouquet of roses, I suppose I still had hope of being intimate with him that night. But sooner rather than later, sleep claimed me. I turned everything off and removed my makeup to get into bed with my pajamas, the same ones I am wearing now. —Regina? —he muttered my name without any delicacy, with some aggression in his tone— What are you doing here? —he inquired insistently, but I remained silent, only shrugged to downplay it— I've been looking for you everywhere —he came closer, just to place his hand on my waist—... But you're soaked, come inside or you'll get sick. —That doesn't matter —I whispered faintly—... Do you need something? —Is something wrong? —he said as if he truly had no idea what was going on with me. «Is he seriously asking me this?» I mentally scoffed as his words hit my ears. «I'm not going to answer his question right now. I'm so hurt and full of emotions that I fear they'll overflow at any moment, and we'll end up fighting instead of fixing things...» I thought as I left the coffee cup on the edge of the balcony railing, turning slowly to find him with his stubbly beard and expectant, judgmental, and empty honey-colored eyes, or at least, that's how they seemed to me; Ivo held my body with the same delicacy and passion he always had. I won't deny that he was still the same handsome man of German descent I had married 15 years ago, but now he looked much more mature, powerful, and enigmatic than before, his muscles had grown considerably along with his responsibilities. Now, with much effort, we saw each other only a few hours a day; Ivo still appealed to me more than anyone else in this world. I still loved him, though in a different way, and that's precisely why I didn't want to leave him as David had suggested the night before. I forced a fake smile. I didn't know whether to be angry or feel more pathetic seeing him perfectly groomed, with his white shirt slightly unbuttoned, blue suit, and wearing the Huggo Boss cologne he usually wore only for important meetings, which, according to him, gave him a “more reliable and professional status.” —Are you heading out? —I asked in the most neutral tone I could muster, his hand was still tracing my figure and his smile made me uncomfortable to a certain extent, but I didn't want to talk, at least not for the moment. —I have to go to the office; I have a presentation with some investors on Monday, but I'll be back soon. —Alright —I replied without emotion, though inside, my mind was swirling with thoughts—, see you later. —Are you sure you're alright? You seem a bit off —he remarked, looking a bit confused; the clueless guy hadn't even realized how his lack of interest in me the night before had made me feel. I simply closed my eyes and nodded slightly—… Well, then, see you later. His hands grabbed my waist, pulling me towards him, closing the distance between us, his hips moved slightly, rubbing my body against his. —Ivo, no —I murmured as he got closer to my mouth—. I'm soaked. —Mmmm —he savored my words as if they were some kind of indecent proposal—… And I haven't even kissed you yet. His eager mouth attacked mine, I didn't feel like playing along, all I really wanted was to be there, on the balcony, for much longer, hoping the rain would set everything right as if by magic. I didn't want to kiss him, but I also didn't want to start a fight, especially not at this moment; he had to leave, I wanted to be alone. I accepted, felt his tongue make its way into my mouth, it was warm and sweet, as always; it touched mine with a bit of lust, as if he wanted to start one of those encounters that hadn't happened between us for weeks. I immediately noticed his hands moving down to my buttocks, squeezing them to shorten the distance between his hips and mine. The kiss, which was initially a farewell, had begun to descend down my neck, reaching my shoulders, which he eagerly nibbled, as if he truly wanted to make love to me right there. His hands lingered on my body. But I wasn't in the mood; I didn't want anything from him right now. —I-Ivo —I said, to get his attention, trying to calm everything down—… —I like it when you say my name —he murmured in my ear, then began to run his tongue along my collarbone—, Regina…—he muttered softly, while reaching into his pocket to end the call that was interrupting him before returning to what he had left unfinished, while I took the opportunity to grab the coffee cup, trying to put some distance between us. He didn't care that I had the coffee with me; he practically pounced on me, trying to get a favorable reaction. But his phone insisted again. —Damn it! —he yelled upon seeing the name on his phone screen. He didn't even say anything else, just turned around and walked to the living room while answering the call and stood in front of the entryway mirror to adjust his suit. I didn't know whether to feel worse about what had just happened or to feel relieved that I had avoided being intimate with him at that moment. I stepped into the living room, and my feet immediately appreciated the warm sensation of the carpet. I set the cup on the coffee table and headed to the bedroom, looking for an excuse in case he decided to start again. I took off my pajamas and, as quickly as I could, put on a bra, pants, and a sweater, then slipped on some rain boots. I had to be quick, to leave even before he did, but before I finished putting on my shoes, the front door was heard. «Did he already leave? Seriously?», I couldn't believe it; he hadn't even said goodbye. I let out a small sigh that echoed more than I expected, only to immediately realize that the electric gate was sounding and the engine of his car left, no doubt, he was leaving. I put on my boots, utterly resigned, and this gave me a lot of anxiety with no idea how to deal with it. I rubbed my eyes and face in desperation, then let myself fall onto the still unmade bed. I looked around; he hadn't even bothered to pick up his dirty clothes! On his side of the bed, the shoes and everything he had worn the day before lay on the floor, in a pile. I grumbled, just as I had countless times, asking him to put his clothes in the hamper, but it seemed this was an impossible task for Ivo. Similarly, his side of the dresser was a mess, toothpaste open, the brush out of place, deodorant, cologne, everything scattered. “No. I don't feel like it, I won't do anything today, I always clean up his mess and, honestly, I don't feel like it...,” I fumed internally as my phone vibrated on my nightstand. I threw my head back in exasperation when I saw my husband's name on the screen. —Love, Regi, I'm sorry —Ivo's deep voice filled the room thanks to the speakerphone—. A call came in and I —I heard him sigh—... I had to leave and didn't get to say goodbye —, “Really? I didn't even notice,” I replied mentally with sarcasm—, I'll make it up to you, we'll go out to eat in the afternoon and tonight, I'll have you all to myself. —Okay —I said without enthusiasm—. See you later. —Yes, darling, get ready, tonight's your turn, the kids will still be with your mother, right? —I responded to his question with an affirmative sound, I can't deny his suggestive voice affected me— Then, I'll call you in a couple of hours. He hung up, and I sighed, something inside me had a little hope, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Honestly, I just wanted to get out of the house as fast as I could. I hurried around the house, gathering what I needed to take with me. I grabbed my bag and coat, my wallet and keys, plus the shopping bag, and then, I headed to the supermarket.