Hiraeth

Chapter 6: Sacristan

"'Di ka na kasi dapat sumama 'e, maputik, mainit, maraming tao!"

I rolled my eyes for the nth time. He's been lecturing me simula pa no'ng bumaba kami ng sasakyan. Alam ko namang inuunahan niya lang ako. Akala niya siguro magrereklamo ako. It wasn't as if the first time. Nakapunta naman na 'ko rito. I have already forseen walking in cramped spaces, inhaling the stench of animals' flesh, messing up my shoes with mud-spattered surface, lahat! In-expect ko na 'yon! 'Di na bago!

"Don't change the topic here! I'm asking you, why the hell did you drag me away from Margarette?!"

"Hahanapin nga ni Tatay si Garette. Tsaka pwede bang kumalma ka? Ilalabas muna kita rito."

"Sinabi ko bang gusto kong lumabas?!"

Sandali siyang huminto. Pagod niya akong tinignan na parang nakakaubos ako ng energy. Buntong-hininga lang ang tugon niya sa 'kin at hinigpitan ang kapit sa palapulsuhan ko. Umikot muli ang mga mata ko. I don't know what he wanted to prove sa paghila-hila niya sa 'kin. Bihira niya lang naman akong pansinin. He just kept on saying "makikiraan po" to all people who were blocking the way.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ang paligid ang nakaka-stress kung 'di siya. Naiistress ako sa kaniya!

Since we went out of the car, Jehoram didn't leave our side. Sabi niya, bibili lang daw siya ng karne. Wala naman akong pake. Kay Margarette lang ako bumuntot dahil siya lang naman ang kakampi ko rito. Kaso nabili na ni Jehoram ang lahat ng kailangan, nakasunod pa rin siya sa 'min!

"Ma-paralyze 'yang mata mo. Kanina pa ikot nang ikot," sabi niya kanina habang nilalagay sa weighing scale ang mga sibuyas. Halos siya na rin ang namalengke para sa 'min. Nahiya pa siyang sabihin na bumalik na kami sa sasakyan at siya na ang bahala.

"Bakit ba kasi buntot ka nang buntot?"

"Mahirap kayang pumunta rito nang gan'tong oras saka... maraming nanghahablot diyan! Ilang beses na nga 'kong nadali, 'e. Wala bang nagsabi sa 'yo na kapag nasa ganitong klaseng lugar, 'wag ka dapat magsusuot ng mga mapang-akit sa mata?" Inabot niya ang bayad sa lalaki at kinuha ang plastik ng mga sibuyas. Matapos ay inakbayan niya si Margarette. Ngumiti siya rito. "'Di ba, Garette?"

And in a double quick time, Margarette's face transformed to a ripened tomato. I grunted.

Jehoram insisted na sasamahan niya raw kami. Hinayaan ko na. He was treading on our heels like we're some sort of prominent people needing a bulwark.

Tama siya. I could notice some people turning their heads on me and doing double take. Siguro nga ay dahil sa suot ko. I was wearing a split neck blouse and a denim pants. Makinang rin ang pares ng hikaw at kwintas ko. Compare to the get up of the people around, I didn't blend. Pero iyon ang casual wear ko. Bahala nga sila diyan.

Instead of bothering myself, I just chose to lock my eyes on Margarette. I am afraid she'd get lost in my sight because between the two of us, she's obviously more familiar with the place and once my eyes lose her, I'd literally get lost too.

Sabagay. Nasa likuran naman si Jehoram. Sabi nga niya, he got our backs. Siguraduhin niya lang.

I halted when an old woman fell on the wet surface. Sa tapat ko pa. The plastic bags that she was holding also fell with her. I stepped backward when people started to gather around the fainted woman.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I almost fainted, too, when I realized that I couldn't see Margarette anymore. I turned my back from the panicking crowd and a sigh of relief slipped away as my eyes met Jehoram's. I could see from his eyes his earnestness to help the old woman but when our eyes met, he's drawn back by confusion. Para siyang nalilito na 'di malaman ang gagawin. His eyes shifted from me, to the old woman, and back to my eyes again.

"Tabi! Tabi! Tumabi kayo diyan!"

I turned my head to find out what was about to come. I saw a man carrying a huge wooden crate of vegetables on his shoulders and he's approaching our direction. Take note that he was in a hurry, too, but since people were jammed in that tight space, he'd surely find it hard to make his way. On my other side, another man was carrying the fainted woman in his arms and if ever, those two might possibly collide.

Everything was making me lightheaded. The incoherent noises of the people wasn't helping, too. I explored my eyes around to look for any space to breathe. I found one somewhere near the closed stall but before I could move, I felt a massive arm enveloped my waist. I flinched as I bumped against someone's hard-rock chest. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at doon ko nahuli ang mga mata ni Jehoram.

My heart race faster when I realized how his face is just an inch away from mine.

I don't know for how long we're standing close and staring deeply to each other until I felt him pushing me closer to him and it made me realize that the time momentarily paused. He did not break the stares which made me gasp.

Ako na ang unang nag-iwas ng tingin. I was scared. The abnormal pace of my heart was creeping the hell out of me and it was so going to kill me.

He might have felt that I was quite uncomfortable that's why he slackened his hold from my waist. He did not remove it there but at least, I have the chance to barely pull away.

"Let's go back?"

Alanganin akong nag-angat ng tingin sa mga mata niya. "How about Margarette? We can't just leave her here."

I felt his hand made a gentle caress on my back and it sent me goosebumps! Like a horse making a strenuous gallop inside my chest, I flinched. Sinulyapan ko si Jehoram. He's just normal at parang wala lang sa kaniya ang ginawa. Did he usually do that to everyone? Napapikit ako.

I hated it.

I didn't like the way how my body was reacting to his meaningless touch.

"Let me make a call."

Kinuha ko ang pagkakataon para tuluyang lumayo. He's holding three plastics on his left hand, cellphone naman ang sa kabila. I just stayed beside him while fondling the diamonds of my matinee necklace.

"Tay... Balik na po kami diyan..." His eyes laid on me. "Hindi pa po. Nahiwalay sa 'min si Garette, 'e. Ang dami kasing tao..."

My lips parted as he held my wrist. He pushed me closer to him. Naroon na naman ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. Pasimple ko siyang tinignan. Tulad kanina ay parang wala lang din 'yon sa kaniya. Why was I so affected?

"'Kaya nga po, 'e, baka hanapin na rin sila sa mansion. Pwede po bang pakihanap si Garette, Tay? Ibabalik ko na diyan si Ma'am..."

Hindi ko na nasundan ang pag-uusap nila ni Mang Diego. The next thing I knew, he's already pulling me away from the suffocating place. Nagpumiglas ako. I was worried kay Margarette. Hindi kami p'wedeng lumabas nang wala siya. We should help Mang Diego. Paano kung magkasalisihan sila?

Kaso parang bingi si Jehoram.

'Di niya 'ko pinansin hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking space. I immediately saw our Chevrolet and there's Mang Diego who quickly walked to meet us halfway.

"Natawagan ko na si Margarette. Nasa bilihan daw siya ng mga gulay, 'e. Puntahan ko lang. Baka marami ng bitbit." He tapped Jehoram's shoulder before he, again, left me with his annoying son.

Jehoram just gave his father a nod. Hatak-hatak niya pa rin ako ngunit mas pinili kong 'wag nang umangal. He opened the door of the Chevrolet for me and motioned me to slide myself inside. I just sighed and gave up.

"Sabay ka sa 'min pauwi?"

He shook his head and smiled, revealing his dimples. "May dadaanan pa 'ko, 'e."

Tumango ako at hindi na siya pinilit. Baka sabihin niya pa, feel na feel ko siyang kasama. Hindi kaya. Ang weird nga ng tingin ko sa sarili ko kapag kasama ko siya. Ang weird din kasi niyang tao. Ang weird ng mga kilos niya. Pati ng mga sinasabi niya.

Nilaylay ko ang mga paa ko sa labas, nakaharap sa pinto. Siya naman ay nakasandal sa door frame. Pinagkalaruan ng kamay niya ang hawak na cellphone. Napangiti ako. It was a Nokia mobile, 'yung may keypad.

"Pa'no pala kayo nagkakilala ni Margarette?"

Napabaling siya sa 'kin. The question made him smile. He crossed his massive arms and chuckled like something tickled his tummy.

"'Yung pinsan niya kasi, ex-girlfriend ng kaibigan ko, tapos conservative sila pareho. Either kasama ako ni Miguel sa date or kasama ni Reign si Garette. Tapos one time, sabay kaming pinasama nung mag-ex. I met her. Si Garette din nagsabi sa 'kin na naghahanap kayo ng driver."

"Bakit si Mang Diego pinag-apply mo?" I smiled teasingly. "Di ka marunong magdrive 'no?"

"Marunong kaya!" I narrowed my eyes like I didn't believe him. Dead-set naman siyang patunayan na marunong talaga siya kaya OA siyang tumango with enlarging eyes. "Marunong! Driver ako ng delivery truck dati. Kaso matagal na 'yun. Sa Ilocos pa kami nakatira."

"Taga-Ilocos ka?" I am suprised. "Bakit kayo lumipat dito?"

His brows elevated when sadness crossed his eyes. Mapait siyang ngumiti at iniwas sa 'kin ang tingin. He clicked his tongue.

"Akala ko kasi makakapagcollege ako 'e. Kaso..."

Tumango ako. I understand if he doesn't want to tell. There are really some private parts of ourlives that no one could touch. Mga hindi pwedeng sabihin o kaya ay 'yung mga hindi natin kaya. Kaso nakakalungkot talaga. How I wished na lahat ng tao, regardless of their status in life, may equal rights para makapag-aral. Everyone deserves it. Gusto ko sanang i-suggest kay Dad na maggrant kami ng scholarship kaso feeling ko, hindi ito ang right time. We weren't even in good terms. Kaya nga ang plano ko ay kay Levi na lang ako hihingi ng tulong paggising niya.

"How old are you na nga, Jehoram?"

Bumalik naman ang kinang sa mga mata niya. He grinned. I fought the urge of rolling my eyes. He's at it again, obviously.

"Old talaga?"

Tuluyan na akong napairap. "Oh 'e 'di 'young! How young are you, Jehoram?" I asked in a sweet tone but with a mark of sarcasm.

"Akala ko 'di ka interested?"

I scowled at him. Ayan na naman siya sa pang-aasar niya. Ang hilig niya talagang manira ng mood! The conversation was almost good. Almost. Not until he decided to be an ass again and ruined it. Sa inis ko ay umayos ako ng upo at pinasok ang mga paa ko.

"'Wag na nga! Bwiset ka talaga!"

He laughed. Nakuha pa niyang guluhin ang buhok ko. I groaned. "I'm 24, miss. Kung interesado ka rin sa number ko—"

I immediately punched his arm "Ang kapal ng mukha mo!"

He automatically dissolved into laughter by that remark. I glared at him once more and I made sure I did that deadlier this time. Halos maningkit naman ang mga mata niya sa sobrang pagtawa. Nakakainis! Mapasukan sana ng langaw 'yang bibig niya!

Wait... 24 na siya? Mas bata lang kay Kuya ng one year. He finished high school and wanted to continue college. Hindi pa naman siguro huli para bumalik siya sa school. Besides, he seemed really dedicated. Minsan. Kasi madalas, para siyang 14 years old sa paningin ko. Masyadong maligalig.

"Akala ko ba coincidence lang ang lahat?"

'Di ko na namalayan ang pagdating nina Margarette. She had her arms crossed and her brows in deep furrows. Nakangiwi siya kay Jehoram na hindi maampat sa pagtawa. When he noticed that we're eyeing him weirdly, he tried to soothe himself down. Binati niya si Margarette at tinanong kung okay lang ito. Ang babae, nalimutan ata na dapat bad mood siya. She's now having a silly conversation with Jehoram like she didn't try to hide from him earlier. Hindi rin naman nagtagal. Matapos ipasok ni Mang Diego ang mga pinamili, umalis na rin kami. Jehoram refused to go with us. 'Di na namin pinilit. Bahala siya sa buhay niya.

Ate Faye:

Sorry, I haven't read your message last night. Anyway, Grandma's out with her colleagues. Mamayang hapon ata ang balik.

Tita Martha:

Blaire, Mama's not here. Bibisita ka ba?

I was on the dining hall that morning when Tita and Ate Faye replied to the messages I've sent yesterday. I quickly finished my morning meal after reading their texts. When Madame Eliza wasn't around, it was an opportunity for me to sneak out and check on my fiancee. Sabi ni Ate Faye ay hindi pa raw niya alam kung kailan ang balik ni Madame Eliza sa Canada. Siguro ay kapag nagkaro'n daw ng progress sa kondisyon ni Levi. After all, katulad ko ay si Levi rin ang dahilan kung bakit siya umuwi rito. And based on my conversation with Doctor Tolentino, it will take more time.

I sent my thankyous to Ate and Tita after informing them that I'll go and check on Levi. Hindi na nagreply si Tita. Ang sabi naman ni Ate Faye ay sasabihan niya na lang ako kapag nakauwi na ng mansion si Madame Eliza.

I went out of my room after taking a warm bath but upon swinging the door open, I stopped from my track. Standing there is my brother and as I observed him, he seemed surprised, too. His hand was in the air and in a ball of fist, probably planning to knock. Our eyes met and we both halted. He wasn't in his clean suit unlike the usual days. He's wearing a white shirt which he tucked inside a drawstring trouser. His hair was wet, too, halatang bagong ligo lang.

"Kuya..." I almost whispered.

I'll be very frank. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya pakikitunguhan. I don't even know how to feel. Fine, Chelzie guilt-tripped me and I was. Fine, too, that we're both at fault. We both bursted out to the extent of being too insensitive towards each other's feelings. I slapped him. He left me with hurtful remarks. Dapat ko bang ipakita na guilty ako? Paano?

"Kanina ka pa diyan?"

His lips parted a bit. May gusto ata siyang sabihin. Kaso ilang segundo na siyang nakatitig sa 'kin at nilalamon na rin kami ng katahimikan. My forehead creased. I was waiting for him to say something but he just pursed his lips together. Kuya's the hardest person to read for me and he's being vague again this time.

"Kuya?"

He sighed, shaking his head. "Ngayon lang."

Ngumiti ako. "I'll go ahead. Meals are served already. Kumain ka muna bago pumasok."

Hindi niya 'ko pinigilan nang lampasan ko siya. And I have to admit it, medyo nadismaya ako. I was quite expecting him to do the other way around. Pero sa tingin ko ay sobra na ata 'yon. Maybe... I was really the one who should do the humbling.

"Blaire, sandali lang!"

Hindi pa man ako nakakababa ay natigilan na ako. I pressed my eyes close and prayed to the heavens and the earth that this will turn out well. I don't want to have another petty squabble with him. Not this time.

Wearing that awkward smile, I turned my head to him.

"Yes, kuya?"

"A-Are you... up to somewhere?"

I nodded. "Pupuntahan ko si Levi."

In a snap, his expression changed. Biglang... dumilim.

"You will what?"

"I'm going to visit Levi, Kuya. Pupunta akong ospital."

He's alarmed. "How about Madame Eliza? You know—"

"She loathed me, yes. She doesn't want me for her grandson, she doesn't like to see me, my whole existence makes her wanna p**e, yes. I know."

"Then—"

"But," I cut him off with emphasis. "You also know that when it comes to Levi, no one can stop me, Kuya. If I managed to disobey Dad, ngayon pa ba ako matatakot sa iba?"

"Blaire..."

I nodded. "She's out for business with her team. Ayaw ko pa rin naman ng gulo, s'yempre. I made sure na wala siya sa ospital and I will also make sure to leave before she materialized as a dangerous volcano personified."

He deeply sighed. "Blaire, please..."

"Kuya, look. I had enough of our argument last time. I am guilty but please? Let's tone down muna..." He bowed his head down. Ngumiti ako at humakbang palapit. I held him onto his shoulders and that made him shift his gaze back to me. "I know it isn't easy, we're both at fault but I know we're both sorry, right? We'll try to fix this kahit hindi madali. But for the mean time... habang hindi pa tayo totally maayos, can we just... reconcile and avoid arguments like this?"

For a moment, he's deeply staring at me like he's able to read what was going on inside my head. Bakas ang pagod sa mga mata niya. I smiled to assure him we'll be fine. Of course, we will be. He grasped for air and harshly blew it out.

"Okay, let me offer you a ride."

Hindi na ako nagmatigas. Kakasabi ko lang na gusto kong magkasundo kami. At least, iwasan muna namin ang pagkontra sa isa't isa. The damage has been done and I was affected, he was affected, Chelzie was, too, and the people around will also be affected if we'll do one wrong move to worsen the situation. As I've said, it is hard to take back the words that are already said. We can't undo what happened and we cannot just delete them. The best thing we could do is to make-up for it. To try. Para linisin ang kalat at ayusin ang nasira. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko ay hindi magiging madali.

Silence reigned over us while we were inside his Bugatti Veyron. I made a silent rule for myself to not talk if he won't initiate the conversation. We can't just pretend as if we're good when the tension is making my knees wobbly. Pero sa tingin ko ay mas okay na 'to. Much better than arguing relentlessly.

"Sumama ka raw sa palengke kahapon?" he broke the silence.

I took a glance of him. "Yeah, I got bored, so..."

Hindi na siya nagsalita. I suddenly wanted to know what he was thinking because I knew him better and I was aware he's just refraining himself from giving comments. Gusto ko tuloy malaman kung okay lang ba sa kaniya 'yon o hindi.

Levi's alone when I reached his room but Tita Martha left a note that she will just run an errands and it will be quick. She also mentioned that she'll be with Madame Eliza when she come back but she promised to warn me, too, just like what Ate Faye did. Tulad ko ay kilala rin nila si Madame. We all know she won't let the chance passed when she saw me. Baka nga ay hindi lang usap ang mangyari. Iniiwasan lang din siguro nila Tita na magpang-abot kami sa harap ni Levi.

Sinulit ko ang oras sa pagkausap, paghaplos, at pagtitig kay Levi. I missed him so much. Nakakadurog ng puso para sa 'kin na uuwi akong ganito. I spent my two years wanting to see him without barriers. Palagi na lang kasing may screen na pumapagitan sa 'ming dalawa. How cruel it is na ngayong nasa harap ko na siya ay gan'to naman ang kalagayan niya.

Nakatulugan ko ang pagbabantay kay Levi. It was 3 in the afternoon when Ate Faye texted me. Nasa mansion na raw ang Lola niya at paalis na kasama si Tita. I prepared myself to leave. Nakigamit muna ako ng banyo para maghilamos. Tita Martha is my go signal kaya nang magtext siya, nagmadali akong humalik sa noo ni Levi at kumaripas palabas ng ospital.

'Di ko alam kung kailan ulit ako makakabalik. It is true that I am not yet ready to see Madame but it is more than true that seeing her is inevitable. I have to be prepared. Sabi ko kay Kuya, I shouldn't be scared. Kasi kung nasuway ko si Dad, bakit ako kakabahan kay Madame?

Pero alam kong kalokohan lang 'yon.

Sa negosyo, kay Dad ako nanliliit. Pero pagdating kay Levi, alam kong si Madame Eliza ang magpapalambot sa mga tuhod ko. She's always scary. Pero noon ay hindi. She's kind and gentle to me, parang Lola ko na rin talaga. But for her, I am only a bestfriend for Levi and I shouldn't cross the line for one exact reason. Hindi ako si Thaliya at hindi ko kayang ibigay sa kaniya ang reputasyon na gusto niya.

Reputation, power, and wealth— funny how it can change people and even funnier how it can destroy relationships.

I caged myself inside my haven when I reached home. I heard from the maids that Kuya went out with Chelzie to take a break from stressful works. Bailey, on the other hand, is with his groupmates. Super ingay nila sa sala kaya pinaakyat sila ni Manang Beth sa library. They are reviewing daw since final defense na nila this Friday. Nakuha ko pa silang gawan ng brownies— sa tulong ni Margarette— at bisitahin sa library. I wished them good luck and gave them some tips though I don't have a single clue where the hell did it come from because when I was in their shoes, I almost peed in my skirt.

I fell asleep the same afternoon. Nagising lang ako dahil sa tawag ni Mommy. We just did some catch ups and it did not last long. May dinner pa daw kasi siya kasama ang isang college friend. Kinamusta niya lang naman kami. She enthusiatically reported, too, that she had successfully closed the deal with the Oroscos gaya ng gusto ni Daddy. I guess she'd be home if not tomorrow, maybe the day after that.

I was excited to see her not until my last conversation with Dad decided to cross my mind and made me feel guilty. I don't think alam na ni Mommy ang tungkol sa hindi niya pag-uwi. Sobrang pagpipigil ang ginawa ko para lang hindi masabi sa kaniya ang tungkol doon. Knowing Dad, ayaw niyang pinapangunahan siya. So I did what I had to. I kept mum and leave the explaining to Dad.

"Okay na daw kayo?" tanong sa 'kin ni Chelzie. Kuya Zuriel brought her here after their so-called date. I was currently brushing my teeth habang siya naman ay walang hiyang nakatayo sa pintuan at pinapanood ako.

I gargled my mouth with warm water and threw it out. "Kanino mo naman nalaman 'yan?" tanong ko habang binabanlawan ang bibig.

"Kanino pa ba? 'E 'di sa kuya mo, duh!"

Natigilan ako. Kuya told her that?

Binalikan ko ang naging pag-uusap namin kanina. He insisted to drive me on my way to St. Joseph. Kinausap niya rin ako casually sa sasakyan. Hinayaan niya rin ako na bumisita kay Levi kahit pa alam kong gustong-gusto niya akong pigilan.

"He even told me that he offered you a ride. See? I told you, Blaire. He really cares for you."

If it was the old naive me, I'd probably think it was just Chelzie that made him do all that. He wanted her to stop worrying and quit involving herself. Kaso nakakasawa nang maging pessimist. I just realized, hindi naman nakakatulong ang pagiging nega para mabawasan ang problema ko. So if it was really for Chelzie or not, bahala na. At least, we're improving.

"Okay naman na kayo, 'di ba?"

I closed the faucet and grabbed my clean towel. I wiped it to my face while trying my best to make her understand what was really happening.

"We're civil pero nag-usap kami kanina. I told him we'll reconcile or at least, minimize the disagreement. As much as possible sana. Ang pangit naman kasi na hindi na nga kami gaanong nag-uusap tapos kapag nag-uusap kami, nagtatalo pa."

I threw the towel inside the laundry basket and went out. I heard her footfalls behind me.

"Tama rin naman. But how I wish na maging okay na talaga kayo. 'Yung as in, wala na talagang gap. Mas okay 'yon, 'di ba?"

"But we can't just force it, you know. Hindi naman 'yun basta-basta lang na porque sinabing okay na, move on na, gano'n na agad. It takes time—"

"And effort," she said. "Nag-eeffort naman ba kayo para magkaayos?"

Natigilan ako. Effort? Paanong effort? Do I have to act bane in his ass everyday? Bibili ako ng cake with apology note? Magluluto ako tapos kunwari siya ang gusto kong unang humusga? Hindi ko alam. I don't even know kung anong gusto niya. Si Chelzie? Ibabalot ko? I don't really know. Ni kiliti nga niya ay hindi ko alam kung saan.

"See? Hindi enough na nagpromise lang kayo sa isa't isa to minimize the disagreement. Ano? Kapag nagtatalo lang ba kayo nag-uusap? And now that you swore to reconcile, hindi niyo na kakausapin ang isa't isa?"

Kumuha ako ng suklay at naupo sa ox chair. Agad sumabog ang buhok ko nang tumapat ako sa bintana. The night air was between warm and cold. Na-miss ko tuloy ang snow sa Seoul. Winter pa man din doon ngayon.

"Hindi naman sa gano'n... I mean." I tried to think of any logic to defend myself but at the end, I just sighed. Tama siya. "I'll try."

She clicked her tongue. "You have to." Naupo siya sa dulo ng kama ko. "Alam niyo, para na 'kong sirang plaka. Bakit hindi na lang natin papuntahin dito si Zuriel para magkaro'n kayo ng open forum? Ako na ang counselor, dali. Tutal lahat naman ng sinasabi ko sa 'yo, sinabi ko na rin sa kaniya. Paulit-ulit lang ako, girl."

"Open forum? Kadiri ka."

"Anong kadiri do'n? Magsasabi lang naman kayo ng hinanakit sa isa't isa. Walang samaan ng loob. Real talk lang. Para naman maintindihan niyo 'yung opinion niyo pareho. Kasi alam mo, pansin ko sa inyong magkakapatid? Kulang kayo sa communication. Nakukumpleto lang ata kayo kapag may special gatherings. Sige nga, when was the last time na kumain kayong tatlo nang sabay?"

Umiwas ako ng tingin. May punto na naman siya. But there's a reason behind it and as far as I knew, it was valid. Magkakaiba kasi kami ng schedule. When I was in college, hectic ang schedule ko. Hindi ako nakakasabay kumain sa kanila. And Kuya was busy too, lalo na no'ng grumaduate siya. I could only see Dad sa bahay siguro... trice a week? Twice? Palagi siyang nasa ibang lugar. Si Mommy naman, kung hindi nauutusang makipagmeet sa kung sino-sinong tao, she's with her friends. Same goes with Bailey. Kung 'di busy sa school, he'd rather be with friends. Walang nagbago kahit pagkagraduate ko. We're always like that. Lalo pa pag-alis ko.

"Kahit two years ago, Blaire. Hindi nangyari 'yon."

Tumayo siya para bunutin ang naka-charge na cellphone ko sa outlet. She, then, walked back to bed, plumped herself down and unlocked my phone. I rolled my eyes when she started to take selfies like she owned every inch of it.

"No offense, ah. Pero kung may pamilya lang ako? Naku, ayokong magaya sa inyo."

She kept on taking selfies. Mapait akong ngumiti.

It is true that there are really some parts of ourlives that no one could touch. Some untold stories that we never wanted to bring up. 'Yung mga bahagi ng buhay natin na gusto na lang natin burahin. And I really feel grateful dahil may taong pinagkatiwala 'yon sa 'kin. She made me an exception to no one. Now... I am carrying a part of her skeleton and I will always feel obliged to share the burden with her.

Nakarinig ako bigla ng kaluskos sa ibaba. Carrying the pleats between my brows, I tried to take a peek of it. There, I saw a silhouette of a girl hiding behind the tall grass. Naka-arko ang likod nito at mukhang may sinisilip na kung ano... o kung sino?

Umuwang ang bibig ko.

Si Margarette.

I followed her line of vision and I almost fell when I realized who it was. She's gazing at Jehoram who's having a conversation with Bailey and the other girl. Kung makatawa silang tatlo ay parang matagal na silang magkakakilala. Bailey seemed comfortable with him that he even managed to tap his shoulder. The girl's mouth was blabbering and they looked interested. Kung 'di ako nagkakamali ay kagrupo siya ni Bailey

"Huy! Para kang nakakita ng multo diyan!" Napatingin ako kay Chelzie. Binitiwan niya ang cellphone ko at mukhang may balak pang lumapit. "Kulang na lang tumalon ka pababa. Ano bang meron? Patingin nga!"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Before she could come near, maagap ko nang sinara ang bintana at kurtina. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Adrenaline rush?

Chelzie's chinky eyes became narrower. "My bestfriend looks like a badass criminal caught in a crime scene. Bakit kaya?" She surveyed my face, tapos ang bintana.

"What are you saying?" I laughed, pero mas napansin niya ata ang pagiging uneasy ko. "You know what? I think Kuya's looking for you na. You should go."

"If he really is looking for me—"

And her mouth hang open nang may kumatok sa pinto. She groaned, napabuga naman ako ng hangin. Relieved, I used the opportunity to get rid of her inquisitiveness. I hate being interrogated. Lalo na sa mga bagay na 'di naman big deal. Bahala siya kung 'di siya makatulog sa kakaisip.

Kuya Zuriel invited me for dinner. Kasama raw si Bailey at ang groupmates nito. I was about to decline because my body was demanding for a long rest but Chelzie won't stop nagging. Kinurot pa niya 'ko sa tagiliran dahil ang arte ko raw. Kulang na lang ay magkatotoo ang sinabi ni Jehoram. My eyes getting paralyzed sa kakaikot. I racked my head.

So I had no choice but to nod. She rejoiced, nginitian lang ako ni Kuya. Maybe it wasn't bad. Kasama naman si Bailey, 'e. I'll take the chance to prove Chelzie that we're all good. Kahit busy.

But I never knew that it was going to be a day full of regrets.

Upon reaching the dining hall, I froze. Hindi dahil sa napakaraming putahe kun'di dahil sa isang pamilyar na lalaki. I never thought he would stay. Akala ko... dumaan lang siya. Tapos pauwi na. Then there he was, laughing his heart out habang nag-aagawan ang mga bata sa atensyon niya.

"Wag po kayong ganiyan, Kuya! Hindi na yan makakatulog mamaya."

"Worse, baka hindi na makapag-aral yan! Naku Christine ah, ayaw naming bumagsak."

"Ate Blaire!"

They were all engaged with their own conversation that only Keith noticed my presence. Ang lakas ng pagsigaw niya kaya napabaling tuloy sila sa gawi namin. I averted my gaze from the people in the dining table. Tinuon ko na lang ito kay Kuya Zuriel. He held his fiancee's waist and guided her to the vacant seat. The girls giggled. Ngumiti naman nang matamis si Chelzie kasabay ng pag-ikot ng mga mata ko. Gustong-gusto rin ng gaga.

"Hi..."

I blinked, nabigla sa presensya ni Jehoram. He's standing in front of me and he's... too close. Nakakailang. Nginitian niya 'ko bago siya lumayo nang kaunti at lumapit sa mesa. 'Di ko alam kung anong ekspresyon ang dapat kong suotin. Sabi ko na. Dapat talaga, nagkulong na lang ako sa k'warto.

Jehoram tugged off a chair for me. Kung kanina ay kinilig ang mga babae sa gesture ni Kuya, natulala naman sila ngayon. At hindi lang ang mga babae, kung 'di pati si Kuya. Confused ang mga mukha ng groupmates ni Bailey. Pati mga lalaki. Si Bailey naman ay nakakunot ang noo, nagpapalit-palit sa 'min ni Jehoram ang tingin. Chelzie's looking at me, too. She even had the guts to grin like she found everything so amusing.

Christine's laugh broke the silence. Nakilala ko na siya. Siya 'yung kasama nina Jehoram kanina.

"Ano ba kayo? Ganiyan lang talaga si Kuya Ram! Gentleman talaga!"

My eyes shifted to Jehoram whose cheeks turned red. Yumuko siya upang itago ang pamumula. But Bailey's groupmates are keen. They kept on teasing him which made his face burn more.

Naupo na 'ko sa tabi ni Chelzie. Christine was right. We shouldn't be affected by his small gestures. Normal na 'yon sa kaniya dahil gentleman talaga siya. Napangiwi ako. If I was not named Madison Blaire, I'd probably be one of the girls who could misinterpret his gestures. It's an advantage that I was born wise.

Downside na rin siguro. Boys like Jehoram are often misunderstood. When a man is too gentle, girls wouldn't be able to figure out if she really is a rare gem to him or she's just one of those common stones he's treating like a precious one. Kasi ang mga gentleman, walang pinipili. Kahit anong klaseng babae ka. Kahit maghubad ka pa sa harap niya. He will always treat you precious. Girls sometimes assumed that the guy is showing them motives when in fact, he's just showing them how they deserves to be treated.

Habang kumakain ay patuloy pa rin ang kulitan nila. They kept on teasing Jehoram. Kahit minsan, pansin ko na ang noneense na ng mga batang 'to. Mga nagpapapansin na lang.

He's seated on my left habang sa kanan ko naman si Chelzie. Nakangising-aso pa rin ang babae. Napansin na siya ni Kuya Zuriel kasi as in, mukha na talaga siyang ewan. Sa tuwing magtatama naman ang mga mata namin, nang-aasar ang tingin niya. She's driving me nuts, really.

"You didn't tell me you're close with him..." she whispered.

My eyes grew wider. Nilingon ko si Chelzie. She's pretending to be busy sa pag-iislice ng beef pero ang totoo, suot pa rin niya ang nakakairitang ngisi. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her happy but seriously, I hate how her smiles were poking mullock at me!

Sa inis, marahas kong tinapakan ang isang paa niya sa ilalim ng mesa.

"Ouch!"

Her shriek caught the attention of everyone, lalo na ang kay Kuya. Pangiwi-ngiwi tuloy siya, cursing me under her breath.

"Are you okay?" Dinaluhan siya ni Kuya.

"Y-Yes. May kumagat lang na langgam sa binti ko." She secretly threw daggers at me.

Inirapan ko siya. I was not raised stupid. Alam ko 'yang ginagawa niya. If she's trying to tease me with the guy beside me, she must stop before I could grab her hair. I was already engaged and being linked to someone I barely knew wasn't funny!

After the embarrasing ruckus that Chelzie made, everything went back to normal. O baka ako lang ang hindi. I was uneasy. Halos hindi mapakali ang paa ko sa ilalim ng mesa. Gusto ko nang umakyat. I hate the way how observant Bailey was. Hindi man lang siya nag-effort na itago ang curiosity niya. Talagang obvious siya kung makatingin sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba or ramdam din ni Jehoram 'yon. Pero tingin ko ay hindi. He even had the belly to put rice on my plate.

"I'm on a diet." I grunted.

Stubborn him, hindi niya ako pinakinggan. Nakipag-asaran lang siya sa groupmates ni Bailey. Parang sila lang ang nag-eenjoy sa dinner na 'to. Saka si Chelzie na rin. Sumulyap ako kay Kuya. Halos mabuwal ako sa kinauupuan ko nang makitang nakatingin siya sa plato ko— no, nakatitig. Nakatitig siya na parang may mali doon. He, then, averted his eyes to me. He smiled.

I was not feeling good about it. Alam ko kung anong iniisip nila. They putting malice between me and Jehoram. Parang pinupulupot ang mga bituka ko. It was as if... accusing me of cheating. Like... they were having an inkling na pwede ngang gano'n. And I hate the feeling. A big part of me hated it kapag nagiging sakim sa reputasyon ang pamilya ko. But this one was way different. Ayokong may nag-iisip sa 'kin nang gano'n. Kahit pa hinala lang. It doesn't feel good.

I gulped the water until it drained the glass. I will just eat fast and will excuse myself after. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.

"You seem so close with these kids, Jehoram. Do you know each other?"

Jehoram was about to answer my Kuya's query kung 'di lang humalakhak si Christine. "Actually, ako lang po talaga ang kilala ni Kuya Ram. He's just so friendly kaya they clicked na rin."

"Oh! So you're close with Jehoram? Why? Is he a close relative or what?" Chelzie included herself to the conversation.

"Hindi po!" Christine chuckled. "The truth is, bestfriend po si Kuya Ram ng Ate ko. Madalas po kasi akong sinasama ni Ate Daisy sa church nila kaya 'yun... nakilala ko po si Kuya Ram."

"Church?"

She nodded. "Sa church po."

"Wow! If that's the case," Chelzie looked at me. "Sobrang close pala ng Ate mo at nitong si Jehoram to the point na sabay pa silang nagsisimba."

Christine laughed again. "I will not deny the fact the they are close to each other because they really are. Hindi nga lang po sabay na nagsisimba. They also love serving the Almighty together and that's, I think, their common denominator."

"What do you mean?" Kumunot ang noo ni Bailey.

He, then, fixed his gaze at me. Pinaglalaruan niya ang baso ng tubig habang si Kuya naman, nakatuon lang ang mga mata sa plato pero alam kong nakikinig. Chelzie's eyes are shifting, minsan kay Christine, o kaya kay Jehoram, pero madalas ay sa 'kin. Halos hindi ako makalunok. When I took a quick look sa kaliwa ko, naintindihan ko na kung bakit.

The confused faces...

It was because of him. He's looking at me intently like he's watching my expression. And that's when I felt my heart dancing... it was bouncing to an unfamiliar rhythm, to a song it wasn't used to.

"Ate Daisy is a choir member. Mahilig talaga siyang kumanta, lahat kaya niya, kahit ano! She's really a Goddess of worship songs. Saka si Ate... naniniwala siya na bigay daw ni God 'yung talent niya kaya ayun, she's using her voice to serve Him. Si Kuya Ram naman..." She smiled sweetly to him, "Kuya Ram is a sacristan. Palagi silang magkasama ni Ate. They're both good at it. Like my Ate, Kuya Ram serves God whole-heartedly, passionately, and he's really really proud of it."

My jaw dropped. Seconds weren't enough to process what I have discovered. I could't even take my eyes off of her. Hindi ko magawang kumurap.

Christine's eyes were fixed on mine. She smiled. Like she wanted to pierce every word to my mind.

"See? Ate Daisy and Kuya Ram are really perfect for each other."

Yeah, right.

My heart was dancing explosively on a damn dangerous fire.

***

Romans 14:8 |

If we live, we live to the Lord. And if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.