Dragon

11 - I'm sorry, baby girl

Kyla

Doesn’t Greer understand that that man could have been anyone?

If that man were Connor, he would have followed Greer home and confronted me. There’s no way he would have walked away. Even if Connor were angry with me, he would have come here. I just know he would.

I guess, deep down, I know that I’m kidding myself. Greer did meet Connor because there’s no way she could have made a mistake. Not when I’ve repeatedly told her the name of the motorcycle club Connor’s family belongs to. Greer would have mentioned that when asking the woman at the ice cream parlor.

I can’t help thinking that meeting Greer could have shocked Connor, and he didn’t know what to think. It’s not every day a twenty-four-year-old man finds out he has an eight-year-old daughter. Maybe he just needs time to think about what that means.

He’ll come around.

I hope.

All I want is to go to Willow’s house and see Connor again, but I’m scared of what he’ll say to me. I’m afraid he’ll hate me for not finding him the moment I arrived here. Connor wasn’t supposed to find out about Greer the way he did. I was supposed to tell him myself. Instead, our little girl did what I didn’t.

I had all these dreams inside my head about coming back to Bardsville and meeting Connor under the oak tree. Dreams that he’d scoop me up in his arms the moment he saw me. That Connor would kiss me and tell me that he kept true to his promise, that he’s always been mine the way I’ve always been his.

Then we’d sit under that old oak tree and talk about everything we’ve been through these past nine years. I’d tell Connor all about Greer and how, through that little girl, I kept Connor with me, always. Then I’d tell him how she saved me.

It probably sounds strange to some. I was still only fifteen when I gave birth to Greer, four months away from my sixteenth birthday.

How could a baby have saved a fifteen-year-old?

Greer saved me because she was everything to me. She gave me purpose and a reason to keep on fighting. My family abandoned me as though I was nothing to them, never contacting me again. However, I must admit that I had the best aunt in the world, an aunt who taught me how to be a good mother to my daughter. But if it wasn’t for Greer coming along, I don’t know that I would have survived much longer with my mother.

I wanted to tell Connor how sorry I was that he missed out on eight years of his daughter’s life, but that he could be in her life from here on in if he wanted it.

I want the best of everything for my daughter, and I know I could have brought Greer here before now and told Connor all about her. I could have written to him and explained things. But I wasn’t in a place where I was strong enough to do that. Plus, thinking about sending Connor a letter to tell him that he was a father didn’t seem right to me. I suppose I could have called, but I didn’t have a phone number for him.

There are no excuses, so I won’t make any. I just have to figure out what to do next.

Greer is quiet through dinner; she won’t talk to me. She’s so upset, I can see it in her eyes. I never meant to hurt her like this, and it kills me to see her trying to force back the tears. I know what it’s like to wish a parent was with you; I know what it’s like to want to be loved.

I never saw my parents again after I ran from that clinic. I ran and kept running until I found a police officer who helped me. My parents didn’t fight for me, and neither of them ever came looking for me. I don’t know what my mother told my father, but she must have told him the truth because I know he would have found me and dragged me home otherwise. However, they never wrote to me, nor did they attempt to call me to check on my well-being.

I ended up with my aunt because of social services. That’s where the police officer took me for help. I wasn’t so stupid as to believe I’d be okay living out on the streets with a baby. I also knew I could never go home.

I’m okay now; I don’t need my parents. I haven’t needed them for nine years. I have Jane, and she loves me; she’s always loved me. But Greer needs her father; I know that she does.

Greer doesn’t eat much, and while I clean away the dishes, she rushes off to take a shower, ready for bed. I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea when she comes in wearing her unicorn PJs and slippers, comb in her hand.

She walks over to me slowly and hands me the comb. She hasn’t washed her hair because it’s too thick to wash every day, but she likes me to comb her super long hair each morning and every night. Greer has only ever had a trim; I’ve never cut her hair. It’s so beautiful and thick; I couldn’t bear to cut it.

It might have a little to do with the fact that it’s the same color and texture as Connor’s. I love running my fingers through it when we’re watching a movie she likes. Greer cuddled up to me, her stuffed rabbit under her nose, my fingers running through her hair until she falls asleep.

I comb my baby girl’s hair and braid it, tying it off at the bottom. I then sit back down in my seat and pull her onto my lap.

“Listen to me, Greer,” I stroke her cheek with my fingertips. “I know how badly you want your daddy in your life, and I can’t imagine what it was like for you meeting him the way you did,”

“It was wonderful.” She smiles slightly. “I’m so sorry that I ruined everything, Mommy. I just wanted to find Daddy for you. I know you miss him. I just thought that if I could find him and tell him about me, and that you always talk about him, he’d come here, and we’d be a family.”

“I know, sweetheart. However, things don’t always work out the way we want them to. No matter how much we might wish for it. Your dad could be married by now with more children. He could be engaged or in a relationship with a woman he loves very much.”

I don’t know how Greer is expected to understand all of this; she’s only eight years old.

“But he made a promise always to be yours. I didn’t see a ring on his finger. I don’t think he has a girlfriend. I think he’s been waiting for you to come back to him.”

The innocence of children.

I kiss Greer’s head and bring her head down to my shoulder so I can hold her. “We’re going to be okay, baby girl. I promise.”

The front door knocks, and I sigh. It’s almost Greer’s bedtime, but Mrs. Campbell from next door always seems to pop round each evening to check on how we’re doing. It’s kind of her, but it’s annoying as hell. We’ve been here for three days, and it’s the same thing every night.

“I’ll get it.” Greer knows who it is, too, before she even answers the door.

“Thank you, princess,” I tell her with a kiss on her head.