Without Sin

Chapter 4-2

Jacob doesn’t see Avery at mass. He doesn’t know why, but Avery’s just not there. Jacob looks for him in the faces of each student he passes, but the boys turn away because they’re still afraid he’s looking to fight. None of them are Avery. Somehow he convinces himself it’s all Mike’s fault. He leaves after communion so he won’t have to listen to his roommate apologize one more time. He’s still not talking to Mike.

Jacob keeps thinking Avery will appear, but he doesn’t. Throughout the day, he finds himself glancing around, hoping to see the boy. He even hears Avery in the hall, or thinks so, but when he turns around, Avery’s not in the crowd.

By lunchtime, Jacob is keeping his head down and ignoring the stares. He wishes he knew where Avery was. He wants to talk to the boy again. I want to do more than just talk, he thinks, and that makes him ache, which isn’t a good thing. At least tomorrow’s Saturday. At least there are no classes then.

He can’t imagine what he’s going to do on the weekend. Monday might never come.

Jacob eats his lunch outside. Mike starts to follow him but Jacob says he wants to be alone. “Go sit with your asshole friends,” he says. Mike doesn’t even argue.

Outside, the September sun is bright and a little too warm. Jacob takes off his blazer and rolls up the sleeves of his shirt. Then he opens the top four buttons of the shirt, revealing the white tank top he wears underneath. He misses T-shirts and cutoff shorts and jeans. He doesn’t much care for a dress code.

Spreading his jacket out behind him, he lays back and stretches his arms above his head, grasping handfuls of grass. He raises one knee, folding his arms behind his head as he closes his eyes. Red patterns on his eyelids move in time with the clouds across the sun. He doesn’t want to go back inside. He wonders if he can skip the rest of his classes without being caught.

When the bell rings, he doesn’t move. Maybe he can stay outside during the next lunch period, too. Maybe no one will notice.

He hears students pass him on the way to the cafeteria. A few whisper his name as they go by. He hears someone mention the fight. If he weren’t so relaxed, he’d get up and teach the bastard not to talk about him. But the sun has drained his energy and he just wants to lie here for a while, like a cat soaking up the sun. His legs are hot and he wishes he had on shorts. Why couldn’t the dress code include shorts?

Suddenly he feels a warm weight settle on his knee as someone sits down. He opens one eye to find Avery grinning at him, his school books on his lap. He’s sitting on my knee, Jacob thinks, and the way Avery looks at him makes him giddy. “I’ve been watching you,” Avery says by way of hello. “My class is up there…”

He points, but Jacob doesn’t follow his finger. He’s too busy looking at the curve of Avery’s neck, which is graceful from this angle.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Jacob tells him.

“Why?” Avery shifts on Jacob’s knee and the bell rings again. “Shouldn’t you be in class?”

Jacob shrugs. “You weren’t at mass.”

Avery laughs at that. “The whole church thing isn’t really for me,” he says. “I said I was sick this morning. I didn’t feel like going.”

Jacob should remember that. He’s sure going to church every single day will get old quick.

From somewhere behind him, Jacob hears Avery’s name. Avery looks up and waves. Jacob leans back, trying to see who’s calling, but he’s still lying on the ground and can’t see anyone. Don’t go, he wants to say as Avery stands up. Stay here with me. He can still feel the pressure of Avery’s weight on his knee.

Avery holds one hand out to help Jacob up. “Get to class,” he says as Jacob grips his hand.

He lets Avery haul him up and doesn’t let go, not at first. He likes the way Avery is looking at his open shirt. He’s glad his tank top is tight. His n*****s stand out beneath it like nuggets, they’re so hard, and for a moment Avery stares at them. Jacob bends to pick up his jacket, letting his shirt fall open more, and he feels his pants pull flat against his ass. He hopes Avery notices that, too.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Avery asks. His deep voice gets deeper, husky, and when Jacob looks at him, he swallows quickly. “There’s a party tonight, if you’re interested.”

Jacob shrugs. “That’d be cool,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound too eager. A party. He wants to ask if they’d go together, as in a date, but he doesn’t.

Avery’s friend calls his name again. Jacob frowns at the guy, tall and thin with dark hair. He’s leaning against an open door with an impatient look on his face. “That’s Timmy,” Avery says. “Tonight, then?”

Jacob grins. “Sure.” He hopes Timmy isn’t going. He wants Avery all to himself.