Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Twenty - Be With Her

At the funeral... I felt like a zombie. I felt out of place and emotionless or even lost. My mother cried, my little sister was a zombie like me.

She only cried once when she saw me and since then she's been cooped up next to me. I was there mentally... but not with my heart. It didn't exist at that moment.. it was ice cold...

My dreams were literally getting worse. I was just happy I didn't wake my sister while sleeping.

You know I watched during the funeral as the pastor spoke, praising him and telling us how much of a good husband he was and what a great father and family man he was. It made me sick to my stomach... His family sitting there crying yet they knew the s**t he put me through...

But I tried to calm me down, they didn't experience what I did. Therefore they didn't know how I felt. So I just kept quiet and held on to my sister.

I thought by now, a week later since he died I'd be okay... that I'd be feeling better and getting my old self back. I hardly talked to Vee, she'd just text once a day to check on me but I understood because she was busy trying to save the company....

I selfishly wanted her here with me. I needed her, she'd know what to say, she'd know what to do to make me feel again.

Jasmine texted twice saying she'd want to see me so we can talk and I told her I was busy with my fam... which resulted in me getting this long ass text.

JASMINE: Hey umh I'm really sorry about your father regardless of everything he meant something to your little sister...

I'm flying down today.. and I honestly want to make things right by us. I know this might be huge or be out of the blue, but Olwethu I love you, I never stopped. I want us to fix things please. I know I've disappeared but I had my reasons and I wasn't avoiding you. I want you and I always did. I just been going through a lot but I'm going to tell you when we meet.

I love you with all my heart and everything in me and I will prove that to you.

I sighed after reading the text. I honestly wasn't ready to see this. I just wasn't. It was her, Paige, Stacy and then Vee was coming back... to top all this I was going through my own s**t.

I typed back.

ME: Jasmine.. I don't know what happened or what's been happening but I hope you're okay and that everything is now turning out how you want it.

As for getting back together I don't know what to do... I'm not okay to be thinking about that and to even think about relationships. I'm not not okay mentally and emotionally.

Fly safe...

JASMINE: I know, I'm really sorry, I was just stating that so you know. I want you, I want us. I love you okay, I'll see you soon.

I didn't even know how to respond to that. So I just put my phone away.

The door opened revealing my friends...

"Hey.. will you go back with us?"

I shrugged, "I'll stay here for a while.. I'll go back sometime mid next week.."

"It's all good, we will leave the car then so you'll just take it to work." Precious said and I nodded, "thank you so much for this week. You guys being here means a lot."

"When's Vee coming back.." Susan asked. I knew this girl will ask.

"On Monday.."

"Cool.. and things between you two?"

"They are okay.."

The girl nodded, "Paige is outside."

"Tell her to come in.. why did you guys leave her outside."

"Coz we are idiots.."

I smiled, "you realize..after how many years?"

Precious rolled her eyes and opened the door, "come on in Paige.."

The girl walked in looking all shy. I got up from my bed and went to hug her, "thank you for coming."

"Anything for you babe..."

We all sat down and talked about this and that. Which actually took my mind off a lot of s**t for a while.. but I knew that the second they leave I'll be back to reality.

I had a few drinks to try and keep my mind a bit off things when they left.

My mom walked in, "are you good..? Do you want something to eat?"

"Does it hurt the way it hurt when dad died?" I asked without even thinking.

Her eyes shot wide open in shock. I mean yeah that was one heck of a question to ask. I hardly remember anything about my dad's funeral...

"I'm just asking because you look so torn.. the exact same way I've been feeling since I was 11..."

"Olwethu you can't choose who you fall in love with... out of all people you should know that."

I smiled, "oh trust me I know. You chose a r****t and kept him even after I told you what he has done..."

She sighed, "honey I apologized for that and I will for the rest of my life. I had no idea what was..."

"Had no idea or were you just blinded by his money and how he had potential to remove us from poverty.. I mean he did.. look at you staying in a fully paid house, driving a fucken Audi... your daughter attends one of the best schools in Johannesburg... like he gave you everything my father couldn't... so you decided to paint him with this perfect picture regardless of the s**t he was doing to me.. to Ayanda..."

The look on her face... it just gave me umf to actually keep talking.. okay, the alcohol too was pushing me to just say all my thoughs.

"Is it a lie mom...?" I asked.

"I'm relieving the pain and the torture that man put me through. My dreams feel so real.. I can smell him... I can feel him...I can hear him.." I whispered with tears streaming down my cheeks.

She took my hand and I pulled away...

"You know sometimes I'm like I should be thankful that he didn't r**e me.. but he might as well have... I mean he never pushed his p***s inside my v****a but he did put it on me...." I breathed in, "God he is dead.. he is fucken dead why can't these dreams stop. I don't wanna think about how Ayanda killed herself because he r***d her or how you called me a liar and an attention seeker because of him... I'm so tired of these sleepless nights.. I am so tired emotionally and mentally. I want it to stop..."

She pulled me into a hug, "I am so sorry Olwethu. I am so sorry for everything. You have no idea of how everything is haunting me. How guilty I feel for turning a blind eye. The punishment... him always making you out to be the bad person and using the fact that you can't accept that he is the new man in my life... I am so so sorry honey..."

"You listened to him and not me mom..." I whispered... "you gave him power to continue abusing me..."

"She's sorry..." a tiny voice cracked and I shot my eyes at the door. My sister was standing there with years on her face...

"She's sorry... I'm sorry... he's sorry..." she said still standing there with only half her body showing.

"Come here...."

She slowly walked in and stood in front of me. I pulled away from my mom's hold, picked Lizzie up and put her on top of me, "don't apologize."

"But he's my dad and he hurt you."

So she heard. At least she didn't run off in front of a train and got herself killed.

I mean for an 11 year old, I was thankful that Lizzie sometimes acted way older than people her age.. and she showed maturity a lot... which was why she was apologizing right now.

"He was your dad.. but he was never you. So don't ever, not even once apologize for someone else's wrong doings okay..."

She pulled me into a hug, "I love you.."

"I love you, you're my sister and nothing will change that."

Other hands joined in as my mom hugged us both.

I have to say, after I said that out loud, after I talked about this I felt a bit light headed. I felt like some weight was lifted off my shoulder.

I smiled a bit, "I forgive you mom. I really forgive you."

..

That weekend we reconnected, it was weird but it was like the death of Sipho pushed us hella togethern the three of us bonded in a way we've never before and that's when I realized that I actually never really forgave my mom until this Saturday. Back then when I said we were cool... it wasn't true, I still was mad at her... but right now it felt different...

On Monday when I was on my way to work, I felt different. Good different and I was no longer wondering about my father and what he wanted... I was no longer having bad dreams. It was refreshing and I'm hella sure that I was glowing too.

I decided on Black Skinny jeans and a white blouse with white all star sneakers. All my heels were at the apartment... and I really could use with flat shoes.

I got out of the car and took my laptop bag then slowly walked towards the ground elevator.

To my surprise there was a figure standing next to the lift.. a very familiar figure.. one that was said to not be working here anymore. I was surprised.

"You thought you'd hide forever?" He asked and I sighed.

God!

Why on earth do I have to deal with this s**t while I was starting to be positive about life.

"Walter...? Hi?"

"I been meaning to talk to you."

I pressed the button to fetch the lift and looked at the guy, "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I don't want to talk to you."

"No it's not about that.. I'm way past it. But I lost my job because of you.."

I pressed the darn button again.. why was this thing taking so long?

"Because of me? Really Walter? Are you so fucken set into ruining my life that you'd never take responsibility for the s**t that's caused by your sickening behavior..?"

"Sickness behavior? b***h please...."

Fuck! This guy was annoying as much as this lift. I turned and walked to the stairs and I heard footsteps.. so he was following me.

"I'm talking to you Lin and I can't even find jobs with my face all over the internet calling out to be a s*x predator.."

I laughed, his face was where? This was getting funny..

"You think this is a joke?"

I arrived on the first floor and went to get the lift. It was still painfully empty. I left home early because I was trying to beat traffic and that had me arriving to a lunatic waiting for me here.

"I actually think you're a joke... leave me alone I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Really? You don't play dumb with me... remove those posts there or I'll make your life a living hell..."

"Haven't you already...? Your fucken threats mean nothing to me because I've had worse from perverted men like you, so whatever your filthy mind has planned won't phase me......"

The lift finally opened and two guys came out with huge boxes.. these fuckers are the reason this lift has been up. Fuckem...

He sighed, "I'm not done with you.. I swear to God I'm not." Then he left.

And just like that.. my day was fucken ruined.

I mean so early in the morning. This guy was just shitty.

I got inside the elevator and made it to the 8th floor then to the office. I went to my office and started moving the work that I did from home in my laptop to the computer at work.

Then I emailed our printers telling them I'll give them a date on the book I was editing.

Then I opened my book..

"She's back.. f**k babe I missed you." A voice said by the door. I smiled when my eyes met up with Jeremy..

"How are you holding up?" He asked giving me a hug.

"I'm okay babe and you?"

"Just missed you.. you know how these straight people turn to be sometimes.. I mean you and Boss weren't both here.. so it sucked.. but I'm glad my most amazing lesbian friends are back."

Darn.. Vee is coming too.. almost forgot.

"When is Vee coming back."

"Around nine... gosh... I'm glad you're back... let me go to my table."

"Buzz me when Vee gets here, I need to talk to her about meeting the printers regarding the book."

"I'll do that.. bye."

I started on my work. I was a bit nervous about Vee coming back. The talk was going to happen, I mean as much as she said she loves me. I was still terrified because that woman was unpredictable.

I was startled by my phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and it was my ex. Goodness.. I didn't hate Jasmine. I cared so much about her but I just needed my me space at the moment.. honestly..

I ignored the call and decided on ordering flowers and Vee's favorite tea from downstairs. I know it was fucken cheezy but I hoped she'd love it.

My phone rang again and I sighed, took it without even checking who called, "what?"

'that is no way to talk to your boss Lin...'

Shit! It's Vee.. I blushed, "sorry I just been getting calls I didn't want.. I didn't know it was ypu."

'you mean you don't have my numbers?'

"I didn't check boss I'm really sorry."

'riight this is a very nice welcome...'

I decided to ruin the surprise, "I actually got nice flowers for you and your favorite Tea as your welcome."

'really?'

I smiled at hoe seductive she sounded, "yes Vee really..."

'come to my office with them.. you have two minutes..'

I got up and went to the reception, "Jerry how long does the order from down..."

"Tea and flowers for Olwethu..." a voice said behind me and I fucken smiled, "thank you.. Jerry will pay, I'll give you when I come back, Vee is waiting for me.."

"Woooow.. jeez I see.. right... fine whatever you'll double it." I heard him complain but I went to Vee's office and ignored him.

I knocked.

'it's open...'

I walked in and she smiled when she saw me. I revealed the tea and the flower..

"Hey boss... how was your trip.."

Her smile grew wider when she saw what was in my hand. God, I thought I'd never fall deeper but with her it was different. It was like everyday I loved her more than I did the previous day.

"I'm good now that I found out the tea and the flower were no lies.. how are you?"

She was wearing some formal green shorts with a white short sleeve shirt and white sneakers.. fuck.. she also get sexier.. her haircut was fresh too..

I cleared my throat and thought I'm madly in love.. but of course I couldn't say that, "I'm.. good.. I'm okay.. here is your welcome treat.."

She took the flower and put it on her table and then sipped on her tea, "perfect... this is perfect..."

"I'm glad.. so.. business.. how did it go.."

She looked at me for a bit and then smiled, "your job is safe if that's what you were wondering..."

I laughed, "I always knew that... I mean you can afford me.."

She laughed too, "so Jerry said you ordered to see me when I get back.. is everything okay?"

"Yes boss all's good. I just have to give the printers the date and then we discuss the printing of Mr Smith's book.."

"Amazing.. tell you a little secret, I'm so glad you are working for me."

I laughed, "me too..."

"So do you have anything lined up after this?"

I hesitated a bit but then decided to be honest, "yeah I do.."

"Great, who's the writer and what is it about..."

"I'm the writer and it's not fiction.."

She put the tea down and looked at me, "are you sure? UNTITLED?"

"How do you know that?"

She cleared her throat, guilt was written all over her face, "umh I might have stumbled on it when I was fixing your computer.. I only read the first page..."

Ohhh fuck... s**t! And she never mentioned it. Was it that awful?

It was like she read my mind, she smiled, "it was beautiful and I didn't want to stop but I figured I was invading your privacy... so I waited for you to say something about it.."

I smiled, "mhmm wow, thanks.. I just have to change the ending now since you know Sipho is dead..."

"I... yeah.. how are you holding up.. regarding that..."

"All good Vee thanks.. umh his death changed everything honestly. In a good way though.. my sister knows what happened and she's okay.. I actually finally forgave my mom. Turns out when I told her I was cool back in high school I was lying.."

She smiled, "I'm glad you're okay and that you and mom and Lizzie get along. That's beautiful.."

I nodded my head in agreement. We talked about business more and I ended up going back to my office. I wanted ask about the talk but I didn't want to rush her.

Tuesday I arrived late but there was a voicemail on my phone from the one and only Freakin Walter..

'talk to your people to remove those posts about me or I'll sur you. Do it or I swear to God you'll regret it Olwethu! Don't test my patience...'

I laughed. I was so not in the mood for him and I didn't even feel scared anymore.

The week went pretty slow. Valentia never mentioned the talk and that was starting to frustrate me now. I mean I wanted us to talk so I know where we stand. Are we fixing us or going separate ways. That was fucken bugging me.

The following week started the same too. Walter stalking me and Jasmine wanting to meet now that she was here.

She insisted we meet on Monday during lunch. I didn't respond.

Around 10 I was playing the word game on the computer since I was tired when Vee walked in.

"Hey..."

"Boss..."

"Umh... so I was thinking... about that talk..."

My heart jumped a million times but I composed myself and showed no happiness at all, "yes...?"

"Are you..." she was cut off by my phone ringing. She picked on the screen and her face immediately changed.

I got worried. Who the f**k was that?

I looked at the screen and Jasmine's name flashed...

Fuckkkkkkkkkk. This wasn't good.

I ignored her and Vee looked at me, "won't you answer that...?"

I shook my head, "no I'm good."

"Oh don't stop on my behalf.. you was going to answer it if I wasn't here."

I sighed. The tone of her voice was bitchy.. and I didn't like it, "I said no... I don't know what you're talking about."

"So you talking to Jasmine?" She asked when the phone kept quiet.

I shrugged, "she started texting me recently."

"Recently? When's that?"

I shrugged, "I don't know.. a week ago and a few days..."

"You've been talking to your ex for over a week and you never even mentioned that to me?"

God no.. I couldn't be dealing with jealous Vee right now. No!

"Vee I was going to tell you.. just a lot has been going on... she texted me saying she wants us to fix things.."

"Oh really.. isn't it you didn't tell me because she wants you back and you're actually considering it..?"

I sighed, "Valentia this not what's happening.. I been dealing with a lot of s**t and Jasmine was the last thing on my mind..."

She laughed sarcastically, "you take me for a fool... so what did you say? Did you tell her to wait for you or what?"

"Valentia... I didn't tell her that.. and I do not want her back.. can we just let this go..."

"Let it go! Olwethu you didn't tell me that your ex is back in your life for probably a reason..."

I got up, "f**k yes... because there's a lot of s**t that's been going on here Valentia.. losing my...Sipho and then Walter stalking and harrasing me. Jasmine was and still is the last person on my fucken mind. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when she texted.."

She rolled her eyes and got up too, "right.. you know what? Get back together with her.. I don't give a fuck..." and like that she was out.

You know my whole body immediately felt hot and I was shaking.

What... the f**k was that!