Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Eighteen - I should stop

Have you ever found yourself so utterly lost or tired emotionally? Well I was, because I realized I was wasting my energy trying to chase what my heart was down for... which I had no idea if it still felt the same.

Valentia wasn't okay, she's just gotten divorced and she was trying to get herself together and I on the other and was unknowingly trying to force things... I was pushing her. I needed to chill and leave her alone. So I'd stop feeling like this.

Because right now I felt like everything I was doing was wrong and that ended up resulting in draining me.

I ended up feeling like she was just tired of me or whatever and I was thinking why even bother... why even keep on trying when she has staff to deal with. Why bother when she looks like she ain't even interested... I should stop telling her I love her or I miss her or I'm here. I should just treat her like my boss and just be me at work. Never even try to hope for something because she wasn't her old self. I should just let her breathe from me.

I needed to draw a line, sit my ass down and talk to me about a way forward.

So that weekend I worked on me. I made a list of s**t I should do and shouldn't.

But first, after talking to me and reflecting on a lot of s**t from back in high school. I realized that since I started talking to her I followed my heart a whole lot... I wanted her and I selfishly didn't think about anything else other than just having her, you know...

I didn't thinking about her then relationship with Zai, well I tried not to think about it. And I'm realizing that I've been very selfish about all this, I have been only thinking about myself and not respecting her marriage or let alone the person she was with. I was so caught up with giving my heart what it desired that I almost didn't care about who get hurts or how much of my morals I'm losing... how much of me and everything I believed in I was breaking.

I loved her yes, with everything in me. And yeah back then Zai was this innocent person who didn't do anything wrong to Vee. Yet there I was selfishly wanting her wife...

I honestly couldn't tell her what she should do with her relationship because she's been open about how she felt you know.... But now, now everything has changed, now she hardly looks at me or even texts me... now she's going through a lot and all I can do is tell me to stop. I can tell myself to let her recover and happy again.... and I can do that by being less pain and less stressing her a lot.. I can do that by stopping all what I'm doing.

I didn't want Valentia feeling uncomfortable or not knowing what to say to me.. so I was going to keep everything cool and workish. I didn't want her to feel pressured or like I was forcing her into anything. So I was going to stop telling her I love or miss her... I needed to keep my heart in guard since it was about to break, so creating a little bit of a distance between us is what I hoped would be okay....

My friends did ask what was up with me but I said nothing.. well it was until Precious found those letters from my dad and I was talked into reading them on Sunday.

"Guys I don't want to do this. I want to burn them."

"What if you do and then you later regret it..."

I thought about that, because honestly I would be curious at some point even if I'm 59 years old.

I took the first one and opened it.

Dear Olwethu....

I know the last thing you want is hearing from me. I know the pain I put you through and I honestly don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with me.

If by any chance you're able to, I'd like to see you.. I know I did you wrong. But I'd like to talk to you and not do this on a paper...

Thank you...

I didn't know how to feel after reading that... Why did he want to see me and why feel the need to fucken write three letters? Was he dying? I mean he didn't even try to contact me for the past five years and now he suddenly needs to see me if I can...

"The second one just says 'Dear Olwethu, I need to see you please....' s**t that's one sentence to send to someone via a letter..." Susan said and Precious opened the one she was holding, "same as the second one.. what will you do?"

I shrugged, "I don't know... I need..."

"Not Valentia..." Susan said and I snapped, "don't.. do not f**k with me Susan... don't!"

I got up and walked to my room.

"Really dude?" I heard Precious say and Susan responded, "I'm just trying to..."

"No... leave it.. leave the Valentia thing out please..." Precious cut her off.

I closed my the door and threw myself in bed. I felt like crying.. everything was just overwhelming and too much and it all felt heavy on my shoulders.... I felt like I was carrying too much on my mind.

"Hey...."

Ahh I should have known one bird would follow. Why the f**k didn't I lock my room?

"Dude get up.. let's talk.."

"Precious I don't wanna talk. Especially about Vee or my so called father please.."

"Then let's talk about you... about how you're feeling and what you want.."

I turned around, "I don't know... I just want all this weight off my shoulders and me happy and stress free. I don't wanna be making decisions about seeing the person who molested me for six years, I don't wanna be deciding to create space between me and the woman I so much want in my space.. I don't want to be dealing with questions thrown at me by my sister because she wants to know why her father is in jail.. I'm 21, not 51.. I don't wanna deal with all this s**t I'm tired.. my mind feels so hot like it's going to explode. I can't... my heart can't do this anymore."

I felt a hand on my back...

"Dude... really? That's all?"

"Well it's what I feel right now.. all of it. I'm just tired."

"You need a break... from all of this. From your family from Valentia from Susan.. you need a break... just to be you and other people, Paige or Jasmine..."

Ahh s**t, those two people still existed.

"I kissed Stacy.... I mean she kissed me.." I blurted out cutting her off.

"Whaaat b***h when?"

"Saturday.. it.. she caught me of guard. I wouldn't have done it, I mean I'm good with flirting with her but no to doing things... I... I can't do anyone right now.. not while I'm a mess like this."

"What if you was to actually to do something with someone who isn't Vee... just to take off the weight off your shoulder... text Jas..."

I shook my head, "Jas and I haven't talked for over four months.. last time we talked I had gotten the job and she was congratulating me. I don't wanna do that..."

"Paige then?"

I sighed, "Precious Paige wants me, she'll think I want her too and I don't because she's not Valentia.. so please... I don't want anyone who'll be a standby.. we both know who I'm in love with..."

My friend looked at me. One familiar look that she usually does only when she wants what's best for me and ain't taking any.

"Babe... I know how it feels to be in your position because I was there too. I honestly didn't want you to go through it. As much as it's okay to wait for someone just know if they are on the same page too? Try and talk to her just to ask if she still loves you..."

That last statement made my heart feel ice cold, "what if she tells me she doesn't love me...?"

"Then you'll know and finally move on."

I literally felt my heart crash into pieces at this thought. Felt like a sharp thing was pierced through my chest. My breathing changed.

It was now where I realized and accepted that falling in love with someone you can never have hurts like hell. Especially when you knew from the beginning that the possibility of you being together were slim or the odds were not on your side. The experience is beautiful in a way, makes you human, of course when you first look back you feel stupid and lonely and sad maybe, but when you truly reflect on it it means you felt and on my case still feel everything you needed to feel.. We are human and we cannot choose or control who we fall in love with.

The pain will be here but I guess eventually it will subside and I might find this as an experience that made me grow as an individual.

Thinking about this made my heart ache. I wiped my tears and shook my head, "teach me how... teach me how not to love her please...."

Friend scooted closer to me and pulled me into a hug, "unfortunately that is impossible. To remove you from what you're feeling now, trust me I'd do that if it was possible... just let go.. let go."

I held on tight and allowed myself to cry...

..

New week.... New beginnings and new plans were about to be put in action. I went to the saloon to fix my hair making sure that I was taking care of me. I'd feel good when I looked good.

I got to thw office earlier, I wanted to finish editing this book this week so that I can get on with mine and have it published the next month.

When I approached the elevator my boss was there. I swallowed hard and told myself to be cool then walked up to where she was waiting for the lift.

"Morning Boss..."

"Hello.."

"How are you?"

"Good and you?"

"I'm good too thanks..."

She smiled and we waited for the lift. It soon made that ding sound and the doors opened. She signaled for me to lead the way and I did without hesitation.

We both leaned forward to press 8 but I stopped before our hands could touch and apologized, "sorry.."

She just smiled and nodded her head.

"How was your weekend?" She asked as we got off and headed to our office door.

"Okay.. it was okay I spent time with my friends... yours?"

"It was good.."

She opened the door and we walked in. Yhe reception phone was ringing.

I looked at her as she got ready to go answer, "no it's cool, I'll answer it.."

And I did, "L.V Publishing House how may I be of assistance..."

'Hey it's Lulama, can I talk to Valentia...'

I immediately switched. My mood went from 97% to 34%..

"Could you try again after 8am.." I said. The time was 7:30 and she knew very well that the office opens at 8. I had no idea why she was being an ass. Fucken groupie....

'alright thanks.. or you can just pass her the message and tell her to call me.'

This girl, she had no idea how petty I was feeling because of her right now, "mmh Lulama, I'm not Vee's PA, nor the receptionist... so do call during office hours and I promise you you'll get ahold of her."

She scoffed and I hung up.

Bitch..

"Who was that...?"

Shit my heart dropped, "Lulama, she'll call you at 8..."

"Can you tell Jerry to actually hold all my calls, including Lulama's I'm not really into talking today I have a lot to do..."

"Alright no problem."

"Thanks you..." and then she walked back to her office.

I went to my office too and started working... I seriously worked.

The week went seriously slow and Valentia and I only talked when necessary. I was trying so hard not to break what I was doing. Because I honestly wanted to scream "Valentia can't we just work things out because I miss and love you..." like I tried and I was about to like win soon.

On Thursday I was about to finish my day and the book I was editing. God.. I was working my mind off and I was surprisingly okay with that.

"Soooo.... what happened with you and Paige?" Jerry asked when he found me in the kitchen.

I shrugged, "nothing ass I told you a looooong time ago that Paige and I are just fri...."

"I actually came into the picture.. that's what happened.." one annoying voice cut me off. Jerry and I turned to find Walter looking at us, "hey.. finally dumped that loser for me I see."

I just stared at him.

Sometimes I didn't understand guys, they'd act so frikkin stupid it was so annoying. I mean if someone bluntly tells you that they are not interested in you, why keep on pursuing them? What will change?

I mean if a person doesn't want you from get go, they'll tell you, if they want you but are scared to say, they'll not tell you that they don't want you. I wasn't playing hard to get.. I was not interested...but he just couldn't give up or listen and it was getting under my skin now.

I looked at Jerry, "I'll go get my staff... I need to leave."

"Me too babe... see you tomorrow..." and he was out.

I turned around but a hand pulled me, "not so fast.."

I looked at his hand, "don't touch me Walter."

He smiled, "I'm not trying to do anything here dude relax.. I'm just talking to you.."

"I don't wanna talk to you Walter.. Especially if you're about to annoy me about dating you.."

He moved closer to me and I took a step back, "Walter keep my space please... and stop all this. It's irritating."

"Look whu do you think things didn't workout with you and Paige.."

I rolled my eyes, "because I am not attracted to her... the exact same way I'm not attracted to you."

He sighed, "how would you know that if you haven't tasted or tried me?"

I pulled my hand away from his touch, "you know your stupidity amazes me. Are you telling me that you're tasting and trying everything alive on this earth to know that you are not attracted to it. What are you? A manwhore?"

"Well not technically like that.. but I'm I'm attracted to a woman I go after her.. and usually honey... I get what I go after..."

"Well pass because you're really making me uncomfortable... I'd hate to have to go get you a restraining order."

He laughed, "a restraining order. Aren't you being a bit too bazzare now?"

"Walter don't you think you pestering me is bazzare and f*****g harassment..."

"Why do you people love overreacting to every shit... he asked walking closer to me again and holding my hand.

"Get away from me..."

"Just kiss me.. then if you don't like it I'll leave you alone..."

"If you touch me, I swear you'll have a criminal record.... I don't fucken want you..."

He pinned me against the wall, "well I fucken want you..."

My heart was beating so fast on my chest. Jeremy was gone I know. Valentia.. I haven't seen her in the last two hours so I wasn't sure if she was still here or not. Everyone else left too. So chanced were it was me and this scumbag.

"Walter please just leave me alone.." I begged as images of my father came into my mind. How it all started small and ended up being huge like now.

I felt him put his hand on my waist and I tried to push him off. I hated how I was wearing a tight dress and heels and couldn't do a lot of s**t. And the more my mind thought about my father the more I froze..

"Please don't.. please..." I was mear tears right now.

"Why do you have to make things so hard. I've been nice..."

"Stop... stop... sto..."

"What the hell is going on here?" A voice I thought I'd never hear said and his body moved away from me. I slid down till I was sitting on the ground.

"What's happening here Walter...?"

Valentia asked and Walter laughed, "just talking to her."

"Then why is she crying?"

"I don't know, she's not okay.. I was trying to just find out what is wrong.. She was crying already when I got here."

That made me feel like s**t. Were majority of men like this? Taking advantage of girls and vulnerable women and then lie when they g t caught..?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flinched..

"It's me.. what happened?"

Then I started crying....

"Shhh.. what's wrong Lin..."

"He was... he was touching me.. he wanted...."

She pulled me into a hug.

..

Louw called my friends and they came to fetch me yesterday from work. I didn't talk to anyone but I developed this huge anger towards Walter and my father more.

He deserved to be in jail.. I wasn't going to see him he can rot there and die for all I care..

Friday morning felt so foreign. I felt like I wasn't myself, like I was lost or maybe lost my purpose. I felt like not getting up at all.

My phone rang and it was my mom.

GOD... The voice I could use right now. She had thee best timing.

"Mom..." I said and she kept quiet..

"Mom... did you butt dial me?"

I heard sniffling and suddenly my mind thought the worst..

"Mom what's wrong...? Is Lizzie okay? Is everything okay..."

She sniffled again, 'umh... I got a call from Prison...'

I wanted to tell her to shut up. I didn't want to hear anything about that guy. I wanted nothing to do with him..

'... and I was told that... ummh... Sipho passed away.'

My whole world stopped.