You are Enough

Chapter 6

Kat, do you know who would be calling to tell me this? The only person I can think of is Dylan. I don't understand why he's acting like that, Kat. Larry, it's all about control to him. He's losing control of me and it's making him mad. He's losing all the control he had over me the longer I am away from him. He seems to think that he still gets to tell me what to do all while having a girlfriend, Larry. Kat, honey I know that you don't like to talk about this, but have you given any more thought to seeing a therapist? You really need to focus on yourself in order to be the absolute best mother to the twins. You do so much for others, yet who takes care of you hon? Larry, I take care of myself. You know this. Yes, and that's the problem. Why do I need someone to take care of me, Larry? You need to get out there and start dating. Larry, I'm still legally married. That's not stopping Dylan, is it? No it's not, I told him. Why does it have to be like this Larry? Why do I have to be put on blast yet he gets off free? I don't have time to meet people. I work two jobs and go to GED classes plus the kids. I don't have any extra time to give a person. I got to get back to work Larry. Okay, kid just think about it though. You deserve to be happy as well, he says before walking away. I stand there watching his back as he gets further away from me and think, do I really deserve to be happy? Sadness washes over me as I question myself again, Do I really get to be happy? No, I am just going to take care of my kids and work my butt off to make something of myself so my babies will be proud of me. I finish cleaning the whole Lodge in about three hours an as I walk out into the chilly autumn evening I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Hey Kat, how are you? I suppress a scream and spin on my heels. Oh hey Sam, I'm good. How are you? How did you know I was here? Oh sorry your dad, George let us know. Who is us Sam, I ask? Oh, Stephanie and I. I'm sorry she was wanting to come. I know how you feel about her and I am sorry. I just hadn't seen you in forever and I missed you.

It's okay Sam, I have missed you as well, I said, reaching for a hug. Where is she, by the way? She's looking around. Oh there she is. I hear Stephanie's shrill voice say. Hello Stephanie, how are you doing? I've been great Kat. She smirks at me. I really can't stand this chick for some reason. I can't put my finger on it but I just don't trust her. She keeps secrets. Man, do I sound paranoid or what? I think I am going to make me an appointment to talk to someone. Maybe it's time to figure out if I am crazy or if there is a reason for all that I am going through. Well guys, I have got to get back to the kids and be a mom again haha. It's not funny but if I don't laugh I will cry and that seems to be all I do anymore. I just don't want to cry all the time. I'm angry, sad, lonely. Any bad feeling you can have I have been having lately. And before that, I was up all kinds of energy, slept little to nothing for days. My highs were high and my low well it's been really low lately. Maybe I'm just depressed or stressed out due to working so many hours. As I sit in my Carl and I make the call to my doctor. They make referrals to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I should hear from both in the next week or two. I honestly don't know if there is anything really actually wrong with me. I really wish I could do something on my own. I drive home listening to emo music. I text Corey to send me the list of supplies he needs for his school project after work tomorrow. I pull on to the dirt road trying to figure out what I should make for supper tonight.

I pulled into the driveway only to see my older brother's car sitting in my spot. Yay! Not, unless he has Max, then I will be happy. If you can't tell, we don't get along very well. I get so tired of how he treats me. He acts like he hates me all the time. That's something I should probably talk to the therapist about when I see them. Anyways, I park my car and head into the house. Mama! That would be my baby boy. Hey handsome, how is mama's boy doing? I love on him and turn to his sister to hold her and give her kisses. Hey loser, my brother says. Hey is all I say back to him. Max's in the kitchen with mom if you want to see him. Okay Maxy! Where is my little Maxy? Aunt Katty you know I'm five years old now. I'm not little anymore, he giggles. Oh that's right I'm sorry buddy. I forgot that you are a big boy. I turn to my mom who is already cooking supper and it smells amazing. Mom, I thought I was cooking tonight? Oh honey I figured you had enough to do today with the kids being sick. I got off work early and decided to make your favorite to help cheer you up. I have noticed you have been down lately sweetie. Yeah, I spoke with my doctor and they sent out referrals to a therapist and psychiatrist to see what was going on with me. Okay baby whatever you think is best. We support you no matter what.