You are Enough

Chapter 18

We wake the morning of Thanksgiving and do what we need before heading to my mother's. I need to stop my complaining and do my job as their mother and do it so much better. I couldn't understand how I was unlovable and not enough, yet I loved these twins so much that it hurt to breathe at times when we were apart. Life completely changed when I found out that I was pregnant with the kids. I wasn't ever a partier or anything but I just had to start thinking about the long term of situations and that didn't fit into Dylans plans. My plans were different I wasn’t going to be the victim to him anymore. After doing what we needed we loaded up and went out to mom's.

My phone goes off in my hand and I find a text from my dad making sure that we are all still coming and that we don’t eat to much at my mom’s house. Mom is busy cooking away when I step into the kitchen surprising her with a good morning! "Dangit Kathleen you scared me half to death," she says gasping while I just laugh at the face she is making. "Where are the twins," she asks me. "Mother, for the last time stop calling them the twins. They are two separate people. And Scott is bringing them in now. I came to see if you needed any help with lunch. And that dad has already text me this morning making sure we are coming and not to eat too much here," I say. "Oh for the love of… he does realize you have more than one parent correct," she asks? "Mom, really I need coffee before I deal with him." "Kathleen are you going to be okay going over there? I just know how he makes you feel so bad about yourself." "I know mom I just can’t help how he makes me feel so worthless. He can always find my weakness and use it against me." "He doesn’t find it honey you pretty much lead him to it every time. You are not weak baby he makes you weak. You think so little of yourself that you just allow him to take it from there. Baby I love you but you have to really work on that," she says. "Mom, I know I've been trying for years now. I just don't know what else to do to change it. Can we please talk about something else now," I ask? I go over to the counter and start my coffee. George drinks coffee on his days off but he hasn't had many of those recently. He works as a full time registered nurse. George is working today and will miss out on Thanksgiving this year once again. At least he will have Christmas Eve off this year. He's always working. "There's my babies," mom says when they walk into the kitchen. "I miss you guys living here and seeing you every morning," she says. Scott comes walking in behind them saying, "Good morning Julia." "Good morning Scott," she says. "Is there anything that you need me to do," he asks? I stand here in my mother's kitchen watching as things unfold.I thought about how my life isn't what i expected it to be. I wasn't much for school and it showed. I've always felt different or wrong. Like I never really belonged anywhere or in a group of friends. I was always the angry teen. Well more angry than most teens. I was always looking for a fight just so I didn’t have to feel what I was going through. I always felt alone even in a crowded room. I’m pulled from my thoughts hearing my name. "Kat? Honey, are you okay," my mother asks me? "Yeah I was just thinking is all mama." "Okay sweetie if you are sure?" She looks like she wants to say more but stops herself. I look up at my brother who is trying to contain two very excited babies. "Nana nana," Holden hollers. "Yes my babies! How are nana’s turtle doves today," she asks? I’m sure they could commit murder and she would say something along the lines of not my little loves. Honestly, things changed so much from when I first got married and pregnant to now. Mom was so upset when Dylan and I got married and even more upset when she found out that I was pregnant. She didn’t speak to me for the first few months until she found out that I was in the hospital after Dylan said I had cheated on him and pushed me down a flight of stairs trying to kill my kids. I hadn't even realized up until that point that I wanted these kids more than the air in my lungs. After that I left him. I wasn’t going to risk losing these kids because of him. He tried to get me back several times and when the sweetness didn’t pay off he went back to the threats and humiliation tactics. He tried to scare me into coming back and when that didn’t work he tried to ruin my name. He spread lies about me all over our small town saying I was a liar and a cheater. That nothing I said was to be trusted. He told anyone that would listen to treat me like I was nothing. Half the people I knew turned their backs on me and sided with him. He is quite charming when he wants something. Even though he doesn’t claim my kids or want me he still wants the control over me. I feel like I will suffocate at any moment. I hated when i felt like the world was crumbling around me.

Charolette came down the stairs wanting to know when lunch would be ready and if dad had been blowing up everyone else’s phones. Why does it always have to be like this? We are supposed to be happy and thankful during these times yet we are all miserable. We all decided to help mom out before Stewart and Max get here. We don’t get to see them as much as we would like but that’s another story for another time. I often have many thoughts going through my head at one time. Some that I need to do or say or something just off the wall. Today is one of those days. See side tracked back to my story. Finally lunch is ready and we start setting the table when we hear a car pull up. Yes! Finally they are here and we can eat. Lue starts to bark while standing infornt of the kids thinking that she is young still. I’m sure if needed she would hurt someone. When she realizes that it is Stewart and Max, her whole face changes into the look of pure joy. She loves her humans. "Hey sorry we are late somebody didn’t know what to wear to nannies house my brother," Stewart says looking at Max. "Well dad it’s Thanksgiving and I wanted to look nice." Max says to his father. Stewart just rolls his eyes and huffs. "Is lunch ready," Max asks. We all fill into the kitchen to help serve the food and give thanks.