Absolute Silence

33

13 OceanofPDF.com FILIP How was it possible to cover so much ground yet resolve nothing? In fact, I was more confused than ever. Camilla and I had parted the night before without any promises or new understandings, and I’d spent every minute since wondering what it all meant. Nearly a day later, I was still lost in thought parked along the curb at my brother Gabe’s house. For almost ten minutes, I’d sat in the dark searching for answers. I couldn’t believe Camilla had tried to get into the Omega. Every time I thought about what she’d tried to do, my fists clenched with the need to tear something apart. Or someone. She’d been willing to walk away without a word, and I couldn’t have done anything to stop her. I wasn’t sure if I was angrier at her or my own lack of control over the situation. Normally, I was excellent at reading people, but I never expected her to abandon our arrangement without telling me. We didn’t just have an understanding regarding the club; our connection ran far deeper. There was no doubt she felt it too, yet she was willing to throw it all away. Is that really so hard for you to understand? Hadn’t you done the same thing when you discovered how much you wanted her? You avoided her for a solid week. f**k. She had panicked just like I had. My overwhelming emotions had sent me running from her. I’d never considered pushing her away entirely, but what I’d done was in the same vein as her attempted escape. The question was, did she truly want freedom, or were her actions defensive in nature? Was she pushing me away out of fear—to keep me from learning about her past? I had no idea. What I did know was that she was a skittish rabbit ready to bolt at the faintest whiff of danger. I could ease off my domineering tendencies if I could trust she wouldn’t run, but how did I get to that point when she was so unpredictable? One of us had to make a sacrifice, or we’d never get anywhere. Was there any possible way for us to find middle ground? Camilla and I had connected on another level in that bed. We’d expressed our remorse physically. Our pain and frustration. What we’d shared had been a deep level of communication, not just s*x. Something so pure and raw was surely a sign of our rightness. Yes, we’d hurt one another, but it was never out of malice. We never meant each other any harm. The road to hell was paved with good intentions. My father had never intended for my mother to get hurt, but that didn’t stop her from being shot. Just because Camilla and I didn’t want to hurt one another didn’t mean the pain would stop. Was I perpetuating the problem by not letting her go? During the past week, whenever I envisioned her, a drowning sensation crept in to constrict around my chest. The fear of losing her. The fear of loving her. The two grappled for dominance, severing me into two minds warring against one another. A schizophrenic pendulum swinging closer and closer to madness. If I made a push to claim her, I would grow more invested and risk utter annihilation. If I walked away now to save myself the misery, I had a terrible premonition that I would be abandoning an intrinsic part of my own soul. Her tears had been evidence that she was just as torn as I was. She didn’t want to push me away, but she also didn’t want to commit. To bind herself to me or open up about her past. She wanted the s*x and our time at the club without any further entanglements. I wasn’t sure that was an option for me anymore. Camilla would be all or nothing. If I was willing to push past my own fears and bind myself to her, I refused to share. I wouldn’t just want her body or our time in that room. I would want all of her. Every ounce of her perfection and each painful c***k that lay beneath. If I was willing to take the chance. If I was willing to risk my own heart when she had explicitly told me she wasn’t willing to give her own. I’d been known to play the odds, but never when my life was at stake. Was I willing to gamble my sanity on the off chance that Camilla would change her mind? My father always said to listen when a man tells you who he is. Camilla had told me she was willing to walk away if I pushed her for more. It would be my own fault if I expected anything different. If the only way I could proceed in any sort of relationship with her was to have all of her, and that was something she would never give, then I was left with no options. I would have to cut ties before it was too late. My mood instantly descended into darkness, and I decided I would bow out of dinner with my family. I had no desire to be around anyone. Banging on the car window told me I’d narrowly missed my opportunity to flee. Matteo peered through the window with a smirk, amused that he’d startled me. There was no backing out now. “What the f**k, man?” I groused at him as I stepped from the car. “You were sitting in the dark like some kind of f*****g creeper. You’re lucky the neighbors haven’t called the cops.” If he only knew the extent of my stalker tendencies lately. “Jesus, you’re a pain in my ass.” I shook my head and turned to his wife. “Hey, Maria. You’re looking lovely, as always.” “f**k off,” she grumbled back at me. “What the hell did I do to piss you off?” Matteo chuckled. “She’s outgrowing her maternity clothes and couldn’t find anything to wear.” “As if being pregnant doesn’t make you feel enormous enough, they don’t make the clothes sufficiently expandable to last the whole pregnancy. It’s ridiculous.” “Well, only about two months left. That’s not too long,” I offered in an attempt at reassurance. Matteo cut his eyes to me, then shook his head before walking toward the house.