Stay

Be Reckless Sometimes…

Don't feel the weight of the world cus’ you keep me flying.

Don't wanna let it go…

- Chris Mann

Thursday, June 1, 2017

“Happy first summer day!” I say cheerfully as I fasten the seatbelt. He leans in and kisses my cheek sweetly.

“I’m lucky to have you, beautiful.” He says as he reaches the backseat and hands me a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers. It’s tastefully colorful, with various types of flowers. They smell so good.

“Thank you ace, this is so thoughtful…” I cup his face gently and kiss him. He answers my kiss with matching lust and fastens his grip on me. After some moments he lets me go.

“We’ll both be late for work. Let’s go.”

My working day has never been this light and unoccupied. I am even bored. Just before lunchtime my phone starts ringing. It’s a number very familiar to Alexander’s and I figure out it should be Lana.

“Sarah speaking.” I say the words cheerfully.

“Sarah! It’s Lana, Alex’s sister. How are you?” Her voice is sweet and friendly. I like her right away.

“I knew right away it’s you. I’m fine Lana, how are you?”

“Good, thanks. Wanna meet up for lunch? If you are free, of course.”

“Sure. Where?” I’m impatient to meet her. Frankly, I want me and Alexander to be bound by many threads and Lana can be one. I want to have as much in common with him as possible. And also, she seems to be a good person.

“1 o’clock, I will be waiting for you in the ‘Angus’ burger bar. Is that ok?”

“Wonderful choice. I love it there. See you!”

“See you.” She sings and hangs up.

Lana equals energy… and enthusiasm… and endless talking. We have no moment of awkward silence during lunch. We laugh a lot and it feels like we know each other for a long time.

“So, Alex is in love with you. How does it feel?” She asks between her bites.

I fight to keep my food inside my mouth. “Wait. He said that to you?”

“Nope, he is not talkative when it comes to personal space and issues. I just felt it when he gave me your number and told me basic things about you. He kind of got carried away.” She says this so matter-of-factly. I am completely speechless though I have a thousand questions on my mind. But I don’t want her to think I am using her to get information.

“Um, Lana, he never told me such sort of thing, so I don’t know. But overall, Alexander is a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I like how it feels to be with him.”

“Sarah, how is he supposed to tell you he loves you when you yourself hold back? You need to let him in. You feel cold sometimes. No offence.” Lana shrugs unapologetically. Now I can tell whose sister she is. Besides her nearly brown hair with ginger-ish layers and green eyes, nothing in her seemed to remind me of Alexander. Now it does. If only she knew how much I have let him in. If only she knew how much effort it takes me to keep myself from spilling my emotions all over the place.

“No offence taken, but Lana, I cannot spill it without any idea of how he feels. And besides, there are things we still don’t know about each other and I don’t want to throw the L-bomb yet.”

“Ok, as you wish. It just irritates me to know that both of you are holding back because both of you are unsure of the other one’s feelings. It’s a bad strategy considering how you feel. But whatever, it’s none of my business.” She giggles knowing very well that I know she has her nose too far into something which is not her business. So far, Lana is both amazing and exasperating at the same time.”

We head back to my workplace after lunch just chatting and giggling. Lana is 19.

She studies Business in the American University in Armenia. She loves kittens and parrots. Her favorite color is emerald green. She hero-worships Alexander. Just like me.

“Arthur is waiting for you in the classroom.” Shawna says very nonchalantly. She has no idea how nervous I am to meet Arthur. I still don’t know what exactly Alexander has told him. Or warned him.

“Oh, miss Kasparian.” He stands up when I open the door. “Hello.” He smiles politely.

“Hi, Arthur. How are you?” I ask him trying to gauge his reaction.

“I’m good. Thanks. Just before we go on with this last private lesson, I want to tell you that I had no intention of making a move on you or anything. I just wanted to be friends.” All the blood drains from my face.

“Umm, Arthur, you don’t need to tell me that. I’m sorry if my boyfriend said something wrong to you. Of course we can be friends.” I can’t believe Alex was this careless with him! Arthur is a part of my job! I can lose my job if he reports this to the administration…

Though Arthur acts very polite and respectful during the lesson, it feels like I’m sitting on a thousand needles. After the lesson I send Alexander a quick text.

“Will you pick me up at 6 or do I myself go home?

-Sarah. 01.06.17, 5:51 pm”

I wait and wait and wait… He’s too busy, I reassure myself but the feeling that something’s burning me inside doesn’t go away. I laugh at myself. I have grown attached to him too much. I cannot even act like an independent person anymore. Just one text without a reply has me fidgeting on my feet. And I also want to talk to him about Arthur… Finally my phone beeps.

“Busy. Go home.

-Alexander. 01.06.17, 6:11 pm”

Why is he talking to me like that? It’s me who should be curt and pissed off with him. Why does he get to order me around while I have to listen and be reasonable? I have an idea. 

“Lil, would you or would you not like to celebrate the first day of summer? Now, Northern Avenue.

-Sarah. 01.06.17, 6:13 pm”

I am positive that a night out with Lily will shift my mood. I wait for her reply.

“On my way!

-Lily. 01.06.17, 6:15 pm”

I love, love, love Lily! Soon after, we are heading to our favorite place for celebrations. It’s the cafe-bar ‘Jose’. After a bottle of wine and two shots of whiskey we both feel dizzy and laugh even when there’s nothing to laugh at.

“Do we want this night to end?” I ask Lily clinking my glass with hers.

“Nope, we don’t.” we giggle and empty the glasses.

“It’s almost 9. Where do we go after this?” She asks me.

“I have no idea, but I’m drunk.” I laugh. She laughs back.

“Let’s go sing. Karaoke club.” She suggests, trying to keep a serious face.

“Lil, we have never been to a karaoke club.”

“I know. But we are celebrating today. Wait. What were we celebrating?” My stomach hurts after so much laughing and alcohol but I cannot help myself. I laugh till I can’t breathe.

“It’s the first day of summer.” If you think that in Armenia it’s a special celebration day, then I will have to disappoint you. The first of June is just the children defence day. Nothing to do with me or Lily.  

After a bit of arguing on who’s going to pay for the ‘celebration’, we head to a karaoke club the name of which I don’t remember. It’s dimly lit and it doesn’t resemble a karaoke club but more just a club. Lily and I are drunk. We don’t care. Unfortunately so. A crowd of dancers is filling the dance floor, so we ‘wisely’ decide to dance for just 10 minutes and then go home. Stupid, dumb, crazy us.

As I’m dancing all the stress and anxiety from Alex’s silence off, someone puts his hands on my hips and comes a bit too close to me. I feel every inch of his body pressed against me and I don’t recognize the touch. I jerk away and face him. The guy is bulky but his smug face tells me everything about his personality.

“Keep your hands off me.” I warn him with a sinister look, I hope. He just grins and I shiver.

“Come on, baby. It’s just a dance.” He tries to come closer. I have no idea how or why, but I slap him hard. Adrenaline courses through me and I don’t even register the bastard’s face expression after I hit him. I just turn to find Lily and hopefully run.

But then I freeze. Alexander is standing near us looking straight into my eyes. He does it with a face that makes me want to hide under a blanket and never come out. I see his fury. It’s radiating from him and suddenly, I’m scared for the guy. Alexander takes my hand not so gently and I have to run to keep up with his pace. On our way out, he also grabs Lily’s hand.

“Get into my car and don’t move.” He snaps. We do as he says because I’m afraid of saying no to him right now and Lily silently agrees that it would be a bad idea.

“But our purses…” I cannot even finish the sentence. He disappears into the building.

“Sarah, is this too bad? I think it is.” Lily says I don’t know why. I just look up to the starry sky and pray to the gods of all drunk and dumb girls to save me. The atheist that I am.

After some eternal moments, I see the guy I slapped leaving the club with blood all over his nose. I feel like fainting. All of this is my fault. Alex must be very disappointed with me. I am starting to panic.

“Sarah, why do I have the feeling that Alex did this?” Lily whispers and comes closer to me on the backseat of the car.

“Yeah, I think so as well.” I don’t believe there’s another option.

“How did he find us? Did you tell him?”

“Hell no, I haven’t talked to him since morning!”

“So this ‘celebration’ was just a way to get your thoughts off him?” Lily eyes me curiously and I know I have no way out.

“Yes.” I look away.

“So he’s double-pissed off. Congrats to us!”

“Lily, I’m sorry, this is my fault.” I don’t know what else to say. I have never acted so careless in my whole life. This is the first time I did such a thing and I don’t want to do it ever again.

“Stop it, we are together in this.” She hugs me and I hug her back. And then I see Alexander leave the building, his fists at his sides. He also has our purses. He’s striding towards the car and I panic a bit more. I’m not afraid of him, but of what is waiting for me when we start talking about this. I know there’s no possible explanation he might consider fulfilling.

He gets into the car and starts the engine. I want to say something, but I don’t know what. I’m so scared he’s going to leave me after this incident. I’m sure he never expected me to do such a stupid thing.

“Alex, I…” I start unsurely.

“Don’t.” He warns calmly and I know it’s not a good sign. I keep my mouth shut.

He drives the car angrily, very fast. I want to ask him to slow down but I know better. The usual 20 minutes from the centre of the city to my place is cut down to 10. When we reach my building, he says.

“Lily, Sarah will be with me for some time. Please go home and don’t worry about her.” I just nod to Lily and she leaves. Suddenly I feel very small and defenceless. He starts the engine again.

“Where are we going?” I ask him cautiously.

“Wherever I want.” He snaps. I feel the tears building in the back of my throat and I try hard to swallow them. I’m always sensitive when someone’s angry with me, especially Alexander.

Tears slide down my cheeks and I wipe them trying to make as little noise as possible.

“Here.” Alexander hands me a handkerchief. “Don’t cry, I won’t hurt you, you know it.” He says softly. I look up into his eyes in the rearview mirror.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I’m just ashamed and I cannot help it.”

He says nothing. After some moments he stops the car. He’s taking me to his place. I recognize my favorite street.

“Come.” He takes my hand and leads me to the entrance. He’s way more gentle now. It’s almost midnight and I shiver at the cold wind. I’m wearing a chiffon burgundy cocktail dress with taupe suede sandals.

“You’re cold?” He asks and I nod. He puts his arm on my shoulders and quickens his steps. Just at his touch, at the feel of his skin, I’m not cold anymore. I even have the urge to kiss him right now and here. But I suppress the wish. Maybe he doesn’t want to kiss me. Not anymore.