Stay

It Could Be Confusing…

Take my past

And take my sense

Like an empty sail takes the wind

And heal…

-Tom Odell

I wake up feeling hot and sweaty. It’s dark outside and it takes me a moment to regain my senses. Alexander’s warm, firm body is pressed against mine, spooning me. I can feel his heartbeat beneath his shirt – steady, calm, soothing. I want to jump with happiness but I also don’t want to wake him up. I must have been asleep for some 20 minutes and I’m feeling a lot better after the medication the doctor gave me. Turned out, it was just a cold, nothing serious, but Alexander didn’t want to leave my side until Lily came home. We just talked, laughed and kissed till I fell asleep in his arms. We discovered our tastes in music and movies are alike. He showed me some pictures of his office and said I could go there whenever I wished. He told me about his pet parrot that died last year. He told me about his family and I told him about mine. He said he would teach me how to drive…

I gently turn around and look at his face. He is so gorgeous even when he’s sleeping and I wonder what I did to deserve such a man. He’s perfect in so many ways but there are still things I desperately need to know about him before I can admit to myself how I feel about him… I want to know who the blonde girl is that tags him in f*******: pictures. I want to know what relationship they have. I need to know it is just friendship.

He stirs and opens his eyes. Then he smiles at me softly and brushes my cheek with his fingers. “Hi, beautiful.”

“Hi, ace.” I reach for his cheek and kiss it. It is a bit scratchy from his stubble and I love the feeling. I notice that his stubble has ginger parts. He should grow a beard.

“Feeling good now?” He says as he hugs me tight and presses me to his chest. His divine scent cocoons me.

“Thank you. A lot better. If not for you, I would not be feeling good now.”

“I’m glad. Is it possible that Taron comes to Yerevan one of these days?”

“You want to see my brother?” I’m in shock. “Why?”

“Just to know him. Do you mind?” He is looking at me as if I’m unreasonable.

“No, not at all. It was just a bit unexpected. He is usually here for his volleyball games. Yesterday he told me he would be here on June 5. They will play against the local team.”

“Very good. We’ll go watch the game.”

“Good idea. He will be happy.”

“I want you to meet my sister. She wants to know you.”

“I… What? Um, fine.” Has he started a ‘Sarah Shocking’ marathon?

“She is just curious. Nothing to worry about. I will give her your number.”

“Okay. Are you hungry?” I’m starving.

“I am. Will you feed me?” He smiles down at me and brushes my lower lip with his thumb.

“Yes. Kiss me.” He does. Lustful, long, deep, his hands roaming all over my t-shirt and yoga pants.

Thank you, Lily, for making me make Tolma yesterday. This national Armenian dish is basically minced meat, rice and herbs wrapped in grape leaves. Sounds simple, but it’s delicious. And, turns out, my ace loves it.

“Sarah, this is majestic.” He says in between his bites. “So good. Do you have wine?”

“I guess. I will bring it now.” The red Areni wine finds its place on the table.

“Perfect. My baby’s a good cook.” He kisses my fingers. “I thought my mom makes the best Tolma. Sorry, mom.” I giggle.

I know that the timing for this question is maybe too badly chosen but I cannot wait any longer. The question just blurts out.

“Alex, who’s the blonde in the f*******: pictures you are tagged in?” He puts his fork down and I feel him tense. This is bad.

“I think you are talking about Miriam. She is my ex with whom we are friends still.” His face is impassive. I feel the jealousy crawling out of its hole inside me.

“Who broke it off? How long ago?” I do my best to rein confidence and I suspect I’m failing miserably.

“I did. Almost a year.”

“Why did you break it off?”

“She was too demanding and wanted me to do things I wasn’t ready for.” I hope he is not talking about marriage.

“Was it her who wanted to be friends or you?”

“Her.” I can see his mood getting worse but I have to have answers.

“Did you love her?” My heart is beating violently waiting for an answer.

“There was a time I thought I loved her but now I don’t think so.” Not the answer I wanted but still good.

“Do you think she still has feelings for you?”

“Yes, I think she does.”

“Then why do you keep being friends with her? It harms her.” I don’t understand the logic, really.

“Because if I break it off with her completely, she won’t leave me alone. This is the way to keep her under control.” Oh.

“I don’t like it.” I hate it. I despise it. I loathe it.

“I know. I will deal with it.” He takes my hand and links our fingers. It’s such an intimate, romantic act it makes me melt instantly. He has this power over me and he chooses to exercise it whenever the situation spirals out of his control. I don’t mind for now, but I hope he doesn’t use it as a way to avoid conversations in the future because I still don’t know things about his past and it is eating at me constantly.

The front door opens and Lily enters the room. She pauses mid-step grinning at us.

“Good appetite. I didn’t know Alexander was still here.” I take her hand and bring her closer to the table.

“Lil, this is Alexander, my boyfriend, and Alex, this is Lily, my best friend.” Alex hugs her and kisses her on the cheek. Seems there won’t be any awkwardness between them, and I’m happy for that.

Lily joins us for dinner and, indeed, the atmosphere is friendly and comfortable. Lily tells us how a 4-year-old fell in love with her today and announced she’s his girlfriend. Alex tells us how he and his sister were enemies in childhood and how close they are now. I just relax and listen to all the stories. I remember the first impression I had of him: I thought he was controlling, cold and imposing. He still is, but he’s so human when he laughs and jokes. I’m so afraid of what I feel for him. Because it’s deep, uncontrollable and it makes me vulnerable. He can hurt me the way no one can and he can get me flying high the way no one has ever been able to.

“By the way, Sarah had a fever today, I called a doctor, there’s nothing serious but she still has to take medications.”

“Sarah, you should have told me. I would have come home instead.”

“Nope, I’m fine now. Alex has taken good care of me.”

“Thanks, bro.” She says boyishly as she taps him on the shoulder. Alex tenses and relaxes in a split second and I see his grin coming back.

“Welcome, bro!” He laughs. We all laugh.

“I think it’s time for me to go. It’s almost 10. You also need to rest. Thanks for the amazing dinner.” He gets up and hugs me tight. Then he kisses my cheek and inhales. His appreciative groan has me swooning. Then he hugs Lily slightly and leaves.

As soon as he’s gone, I want him back.

“He is in love with you. He’s in deep.” Lily says as she raises her glass. “To all the happy moments you are going to have with him. I know loving eyes when I see them.”

“You think so? I’m so afraid of losing this.” I clink my glass with hers and empty it. The wine is delicious.

“You will be fine. Trust me. Did you tell him about your past? He needs to know.”

“I know I should. And I have told him I have a past. He also has things he doesn’t tell me about. We asked each other for time. But yeah, you are right. It’s high time I tell him everything.” The thought sends chills down my spine.

“Lil, remember the day when you and Alex talked on the phone? What did he say to you about me? You said you would tell me one day.”

“Yeah, I know, I remember. He said that you were the one thing that could drive him mad and happy at the same time and he didn’t want to screw this up. He needed a chance with you.” I want to weep with happiness and confusion at the same time. Why doesn’t he tell me all those words? I so want him to.

And I also need to tell my family about Alex. It is really unfair to hide this. I tell them everything. Almost.

“Daddy!” I squeal when I see his face on my screen. Video chat was the only way to feel my family closer to me.

“Baby girl! How are you?” His face is warm and his voice so loving. I feel tears building up but I hold them back because he will be upset if he sees me crying.

“Dad, I’m fine. Where’s everyone? I need to tell you all something.” This is so exciting! I hope daddy approves. His opinion is everything to me.

“Wait, I will call your mom and brother. Laura! Taron!” Soon, my whole family gathers on my screen.

“I have met someone.” I say and wait.

“Who? When? What does he do for a living? How old is he? Does he love you?” A storm of questions hits my ears and I laugh.

“His name is Alexander Tateossian, he is a programmer and he has an IT company. He’s 26. I don’t know, but we understand each other and it has just been a few days, so…” I don’t tell them of all the times he disappeared. I just sum up the days we have spent together and yeah, it has been just a few days. It amazes me how in deep I am in such a short time.

“Just be careful and tell him to also be careful if he hurts you.” Taron says the brother-words and I giggle. He has always done a good job of protecting me even when I was not in danger.

“Taron, he said he would like to meet you when you are here. Daddy, you are the hardest level, I don’t think he’s ready for you yet.” I say laughing. He laughs back. Taron winks at me. Phew!

“Sarah, I approve.” Mom says. I wonder if she has managed to Google him. I think she has. Laura Kasparian is a stunningly beautiful lady. We are very alike and sometimes people think she’s my sister. She and my dad – Gregory Kasparian, are the perfect couple.

 Just as I end the call with my family, my ace calls me. It has been only an hour and a half since he left and it warms me so much to feel he misses me already.

“Baby.” His voice is raspy and deep. Even the way he talks sends shivers down my spine.

“Ace.” I say softly. I love, love, love such moments.

“I miss you. Turn your camera on, I want to see you.” Oh no, I have taken my makeup off and my hair is… well, my hair…

“Fine, but I look like crap.”

“You never do baby.” Then he appears on my screen, all relaxed, domestic, and beautiful. I don’t even look at my own reflection on the screen. I’m too busy drinking him in. He’s sitting on an armchair, I think. The background includes creamy curtains and a light brown wall. I’m curious to know where he lives. He has told me he lives in a separate apartment but his parent’s place is very close to his, so his mom can keep an eye on him. He finds it deeply annoying and even disturbing, I find it sweet and touching.

“I called you once. It said my call was waiting. Why?”

“I was talking to my parents, Mr. Caveman.” He laughs.

“Caveman, huh?” I also laugh.

“I told them about you. It’s all good. Taron also wanted to meet you.”

“I’m glad. Lana was happy when I gave her your number. I wish you patience and endurance. She’s not easy to handle.” I giggle at his wish.

“Thanks, sir!” I say. “Luckily for you, Taron is very easygoing.”

“I told my mom about your Tolma. She said she would like to try it.” Oh, good. Maybe. I’m instantly nervous.

“You told your mom about me?”

“Do you mind it?”

“I don’t, I just always thought you weren’t the type who shares everything with their family. No offence.”

“Indeed, I am not that type. I don’t know the exact reason why I told Lana and mom about you. Dad also knows. Mom told him.” Oh. I don’t really know what to say and what to feel. As far as I know, when a guy tells his parents about you, then he treats you seriously. Or so I hope. Alexander has never been an open book.

“Show me your room. I want to see where you live.” I say curiously.

He smiles. “Curious as ever, aren’t you?” I wink at him. He grins and looks dazed. “That’s the most beautiful thing you have done, Sarah. Wink once more, baby.” While I am actively melting, he shows me his room. It’s in warm colors, all creamy and white and brown. His study is attached to his bedroom and is only separated by a wall. There’s one more door in his bedroom and I suppose it’s the bathroom. His king-size bed is neat and smooth. There are two nightstands on each sides of the bed. He also has a couch, a TV, a walk-in closet and a big carpet that seems to be too soft. His apartment overall isn’t very big. It has two guest rooms and a living room and the kitchen is attached to the dining room. The decorations are modern and classy. Everything seems to be in its place and I wonder if he has a housekeeper.

“Which part of the city are you in?” I ask him realizing I have no idea where his apartment is.

“The Center. Mashtots Avenue.” I am so jealous of him.

“That’s my favorite street in Yerevan!” I whine, as if he has stolen something belonging to me. He laughs wholeheartedly.

“Yes, and I cannot imagine all the times you were possibly right outside my window and I didn’t find you sooner.” I never thought of that this way. Maybe one day when I looked up at the tall building, he was standing by his window looking down at me and we never noticed each other.

“I promise to bring you here and let you wander around. So you can satisfy your curious mind. Now show me your room. I have seen everything besides it.” He’s right. He has even seen Lily’s bedroom by mistake. I show him my closet and my bed, all the photos of me and my family on my nightstand. I show him my favorite book – ‘Flowers for Algernon’ and the way he asks questions about the book makes me fall harder for him. I see his interest in me and my life, in the things I own and care about. Then I show him my guitar.

“This beautiful girl is everything to me.” I tell him dreamily, caressing the griff.

“You can play the guitar? And you call it ‘she’?” He’s amused.

“I do play the guitar and yeah, it’s not just a guitar to me.”

“Play for me.” He says in a voice that makes me want to do everything he says instantly. I know what I want to play for him. This song has been on my mind for as long as I’ve known him. It’s Sam Smith’s ‘Stay with Me’.

“Oh, won't you stay with me?

'Cause you're all I need

This ain't love, it's clear to see

But, darling, stay with me…”

I sing the first part and when I get to the second chorus, he sings with me…

“This is love, it’s clear to see, so, darling, stay with me…” I freeze. I know there’s a possibility I heard him wrong, I know it could be my ears deceiving me, but I cannot help the sudden rush of emotions filling me and my heart racing like crazy. Did he just confess love to me? Or did I just imagine that? I remain silent in the hope he says something more, but he doesn’t…

“You sing and play beautifully. You have the sweetest voice ever. I need recordings…” He says smiling. I see it in his knowing gaze that he felt the effect of his words on me. I also see that he doesn’t want to say anything further. Maybe he thinks it was a mistake to have said such words. Or maybe I’m just being a fool now…

“Yeah, just tell me what songs you like, I can sing them for you.” I say pretending to be ok but inside I’m a mess.

“Ok baby. Now I have to go. There’s a small mountain of e-mails I have to reply to, but I want to take you to work tomorrow as well.”

“Sure. I’ll be ready on time.” I say sweetly and wish him goodnight. He sends me a kiss and hangs up. I am left confused…