Stay

Cold on The Surface

You're staring while I'm blinking

But just don't tell me what you see.

-Katelyn Tarver

“Lily? Are you home?”

“Sarah!” She hugs me with a force capable of smashing me to the wall, and I am so thankful I have her. The unease I have been feeling after he left me alone on the street fades away… For now… Lily is one of the best people I have in my life. We studied together at the university and have been friends since. She is a beautiful person, inside and outside, with long black hair and brown eyes. We rely on each other at our hardest times and she knows me too well.

“What’s wrong?” She notices everything. “Don’t tell me you saw him. Please no.”

“No, don’t worry. It’s not him. It’s all me. Just being pathetic. My usual self.”

“Sarah, spill it.” She urges me to the living room.

I tell her everything that happened to me today. How happy it felt when he was there. How sad it felt when he was gone.

“You have expectations out of nowhere. Why would he stay? You created hopes and images you wanted him to fulfil. Sarah, we both know the causes of this. Don’t go back into your past. Don’t let it influence you. What he did to you cannot be undone by people you barely know.”

I knew this all along, but when Lily says the words, it stings so badly. How could I let myself get this far? Alex was just being polite and friendly, and I took the idea too far. It’s me who’s responsible. It’s me and my past.

“Come on, I bought a cake, let’s drink tea.”

I always prefer coffee, but I didn’t have a proper meal today so tea will do. While we are devouring the cake, Lily tells me how amazing it was in her hometown. I should have gone with her.

I video call my family before I go to bed. They are in another town and I don’t get to see them very often. I especially miss my brother. Taron is only 15 but our bond is unexplainable. He is way taller than me at my 22 and I think it’s because he is a volleyball player.

“Hey sis, what’s up?”

It feels so good to hear his voice…

At night, I dream about crashed smartphones and a certain handsome man picking them up for me… He is smiling at me and making me laugh and I love how it feels with him. He buys me a cotton candy and I share it with him… Suddenly, my beautiful dream is interrupted with a loud noise. I am jolted awake. As I’m trying to regain my senses, Lily rushes into my room.

“Sarah, it’s David! He’s at the door. Again!”

No… I feel my past so close again, panic suffocating me. I start shaking… Please no, not again…

“Lil, please, make him go… I cannot… I cannot…” I start sobbing violently, forcefully, fear and anger washing me over…

“Shh, don’t cry Sarah, it’s okay… don’t cry” Lily hugs me to her…

We pretend not to hear the violent banging at the front door. What feels like an eternity later, we hear him shout “Sarah! I’m leaving now. The next time I’m here, you will open this damned door or I will open it myself…” Then he leaves. I wish he would really leave me alone forever…

Two weeks later…

Alexander is always present in my mind even when he couldn't be more absent from my life. I think of him when I read the book, I think of him when I play the guitar or when I look at my new phone…

I'm also thinking of him right now, while I’m waiting for my intermediate group to gather in the classroom. I switch my laptop on. My curiosity might kill me one day but I type ‘Alexander Tateossian’ in the f*******: search bar and the very first account is his… Why, why does he have to be so handsome and so unavailable… Why can’t he call me or find me… Because he doesn’t have your number or your address, smarty… He only has your name and if he didn’t find you on f*******:, then he doesn’t want to and you can do nothing about that. Why does this make me so sad? Anyway, I go through all of his pictures, all of them gorgeous, all of them smiling. Only he can smile and be so imposing, controlling, and dominant at the same time. Though Alex’s page doesn’t say anything about him being in a relationship, his pics have comments of girls hopelessly complimenting him on his looks. I mentally praise him for just putting a ‘like’ to such comments and not answering any of them. I’m proud of him. Good boy. I get to the ‘tagged photos’ section. My gaze freezes as I see many photos of him with a girl. She is a beautiful blonde. Her clothes give me an impression she must be much interested in fashion. Her f*******: page says her name is Miriam and that she is in a relationship. It couldn't be clearer. He has a girlfriend… The flood of disappointment washes me over, gone is the last ruin of hope inside me.

Anyway, one of my strengths is that I can always separate my personal life from my career. By the time my students arrive, I am fully composed and expertly hiding my emotions. As I am about to enter the classroom, Shawna rushes to me.

“Sarah, you have a new student in your group. Arthur, 24. Just so you know.”

“Okay, but how is he going to catch up with the rest of the group?”

“I don’t know for now, he might want a couple of private lessons.”

“Fine, thanks Shawna. Is the lunch proposal still up?”

“Sure, right after this lesson. I know a wonderful place with amazing lunch offers.”

As I enter the classroom, my students’ faces light up. It is the best feeling to know that they love my lessons just as much as I love teaching. I don’t keep strictly formal relationship with them, I am friendly and open, so they don’t get the feeling I’m acting superior or something.

“Hi everyone. I see you already got acquainted with our new student. You are Arthur right?” I stretch my hand for a handshake.

“Yes, nice to meet you, Miss Kasparian.” He takes my hand for a gentle yet firm handshake, keeping it a bit longer for a usual one. He is tall and has short black hair and dark eyes. Throughout the lesson, he looks at me intently and I feel it in his gaze that he is not listening but just staring. I decide to check.

“Okay, question time now. Arthur, how do we form the ‘Passive Voice’?” My question is too unexpected for him and my doubts are confirmed. “Were you listening?”

“Umm… Yeah… No… Sorry.”

“Please be attentive, you have a lot to catch up on and I don’t want to add on that.”

“Yeah, sure, I’m sorry.” He is nice and polite, which I really appreciate.

The rest of the lesson passes smoothly and seems like Arthur is listening. After the lesson I find him waiting for me in the corridor.

“Is anything wrong? Seems like you want to discuss something.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to say I would like a couple of private lessons. With you.”

“Sure. Just tell the administration. I’m just not sure if they will assign me or another teacher to you.”

“No, I need you to teach me. I like your methods.”

“Thank you. You should tell that to the administration.”

“Okay then, have a good day.” He leaves and I am moved that he found my methods satisfying.

Shawna is waiting for me at my desk. Or on my desk, even.

“Could you please take a sit on the chair, not my desk, Shawna?” I almost laugh when I see the naughty grin on her face. “Just let me finish checking this last paper and we can go have lunch.”

“Hurry up or I might eat you instead. I’m starving.” Her warning leaves me no choice but to take my purse and hurry out.

It’s warm outside, the tall buildings of the Northern Avenue shielding us from the sun. My choice of wearing a pair of white jeans and a light blue tank top with brown heeled sandals was right.

We take a table near the window and order our food. Throughout the lunch, I feel like I'm being watched. I tell myself it's my weirdness and that I'm just being unreasonable but I feel like Alexander is near me. I feel him around me and I smell him in the air. Then it is all clear… As I turn to get my phone from my purse, I see his familiar, handsome-to-perfection face. Alexander’s gaze burns through me and I find myself unable to breathe. Then I smile. Sincerely. The little girl inside me bounces with happiness… He looks so casual and boyish in faded blue jeans and a dark blue polo shirt. I know I must be looking foolish now but I cannot take my eyes away. I wave at him happily. He remains still: no smile, no other sign of recognizing me other than his stare. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me… My gaze falls to the floor and pain slices through me. I’ve just embarrassed myself in front of a man who doesn’t give a damn.

Shawna coughs and I shift my attention to her.

“Who’s that? He is looking at you. Oh my. He's so gorgeous.”

“Yeah, just an acquaintance… Nothing more.” I wish there was something more but from the way he is, I suppose there can never be anything more…

“You don’t sound convincing… Wow! There’s another hottie with him.  Oh my… Introduce us, please.”

“It’s not like that Shawna, I cannot, sorry.”

Our meals arrive and I try my best to swallow. I feel his eyes on me and it’s intimidating in the worst way possible. Yet, I love it that he is interested.

Just as I’m thinking that, he and his friend storm past us and out of the lunch bar. I get to see him from behind. His masculine stride and powerful shoulders leave little to be desired. The familiar feeling of emptiness crawls back into my soul and I feel abandoned again… Why do I feel such a connection to him? I have only seen him once and I feel like he is someone I lost. But also, I fully realize I’m just a girl who has a crush on a majestic man and that’s it. It will never be mutual. My mood goes from a thousand to zero in the split second he leaves the bar. I hope I can make through this day.