Stay

The Start Might Be Rough…

So, who's going to save us now

When the ashes hit the ground?

I gave it all and all you gave

Was sweet misery…

-Boy Epic

“No mommy, I’m okay, really. There’s no need to worry. Yeah, Lily’s fine, kiss dad and Taron for me.” I exhale with the sudden rush of love I feel for them. Just as I put my phone to charge, it beeps with a received text.

“You looked beautiful today. Like you always do. Hope you don’t mind my text.

-Alex. 21.05.17, 9:14 pm”

What?! I sit down on the edge of my bed and watch the world regain its colors. ‘Like you always do.’ What is that supposed to mean? He has seen me only once. How does he know how I always look? I hope he has been stalking me on f*******:. Because I have no other explanation and I really like this one, so…

I screenshot the message and send it to Lily who is right in the living room.

3… 2…1…

“Saraaah!!” I knew she would scream. I go to the living room laughing.

“Any opinions?” I say with a raised brow. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“He is not indifferent! He wants you back! Not that you were together, but… Wait, he said ‘today’ in his text. Sarah, I cannot believe you didn’t tell me you saw him today! Spill it.”

“He was having lunch at the same place Shawna and I were. Nothing happened really. I smiled at him and the next thing I knew he was gone.”

“What? Why would he go if he is texting you now? And how does he have your number?”

“I have no idea.”

“Go ahead, ask him. See, you have a lot to discuss.”

“I cannot do that so blatantly.”

“Not right away. You will find out when you talk.”

I need to gather my thoughts. What do I answer? Why is this so hard when it should be so easy?

“Thank you. You also looked nice. I don’t mind your text. I was just surprised you had my number.

-Sarah. 21.05.17, 9:32 pm”

It takes me 11 attempts to type and send this 20-word message and my heart is pounding. I can hear the blood roaring in my ears and I love this feeling. It has been a long time since I last felt this excited and… alive…

“I saw your number when you filled the blank at the mobile store. I have no idea why I remembered it. And I also have no idea why I wanted to text you.

-Alex. 21.05.17, 9:34 pm”

“Okay then. I don’t know what to say to that.

-Sarah. 21.05.17, 9:35 pm”

“I want to see you. Is that possible?

-Alex. 21.05.17, 9:35 pm”

Why would he want to see me? What could we possibly talk about? What would I wear? Words are failing me.

“Why? You didn’t seem too excited to see me today

-Sarah. 21.05.17, 9:37 pm”

“I’m outside your house. Would you mind coming out for a minute?

-Alex. 21.05.17, 9:38 pm”

He has also remembered my address! I might as well faint now. My hair is messy as I simply blow-dried it after my shower. I have no makeup on. I’m wearing my grey yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt. I am starting to panic.

“Lily, save me.” I run to her room and show her the texts. “What do I do now? I look like hell!”

“You don’t! You always look beautiful. Just change and go. Hurry!”

I change into a pair of dark jeans and a light pink blouse and white sneakers. I put some lip gloss on and fix my hair if I can call it ‘fixing’. Pixie hair is uncontrollable in my case.

I fly out of my apartment like a bird and take the stairs two by two. As soon as I’m out, I see him. Masculine, stunning, leaning against a black Mercedes AMG, hands crossed at his chest and staring at me with an amused look on his face. He looks edible.

He starts walking to me and my breath hitches. Powerful. And he’s wearing the clothes I last saw him in. Must have been a long day for him.

“Hey. I’m sorry for the sudden visit.”

“It’s okay. I wasn’t busy.” I’m biting my lower lip and I’m aware of that but I cannot stop because I’m too nervous.

“I like the way you look. No makeup and messy hair. Very natural.”

“Thank you. Mmm… Why did you want to see me?” I bet I’m tomato-red.

“Do you mind if we go for a short ride? I don’t want to talk here. I promise not to abuse or kill you.” He looks amused at my shocked face. Glad I’m entertaining enough.

“I also don’t desire being abused or killed, thank you.” I say sarcastically. We head to his car and he opens the front passenger door for me. So considerate of him. As we pull into the busy Yerevan traffic, I cannot help but look out of the window… The tall, beautiful buildings guide our way to the centre of the city. This is the warmest place in the world. And I don’t mean the weather.

As he slowly brings the car to a halt, I type a short text to Lily telling her where I am. Mashtots Avenue. When I look up, he is watching me intently, as if studying my movements.

“Why didn’t you say ‘hello’ to me today?” The sharpness of my question surprises both of us. Oh Alexander, that’s what you do to me. I’m getting dumber by the second.

He clears his throat. “Well, seems you know how to get information out of a person…” Is he making fun of me? “I don’t know. Just as I don’t know what made me text you today.”

I have read enough books on psychology to understand that he just doesn’t want to face certain facts. He knows too well what made him text me and come to me, he simply doesn’t want to admit that. But fine. I know how it feels when you don’t want to admit ‘things’ to yourself. We will go his way.

“Okay, so what do you want to do now?” I ask sheepishly.

“I want to spend time with you. Simple as that. Is it okay?” He sounds so hopeful.

“Well, yeah, I guess.”

The smile that spreads on his face is something. He pulls into the traffic again. As he expertly drives the car through the streets, I simply watch him. He has his way with the powerful car which kind of resembles him with its unspoken strength and dominance. His hand holds the wheel freely, enjoyingly… His eyes hold some kind of concentration I find hard to describe. They leave the road to look at me from time to time. I could watch him drive forever.

“Where are we going?” I ask him and he brings those stunning eyes to look at me. He looks so sensual in the semi-darkness.

“The Monument park. I’m taking you to the carousels.” I melt in my seat… That’s my favorite place! I love going back to the childhood.

“I love the idea but why?”

“Because I have seen you composed and formal and an adult and I want to look at the child version of you. I want to see you screaming and laughing.” I don’t usually consider his answers satisfying but this one was more than… It was even a bit too much for me to handle like an adult.

So, I just stare at him. I don’t know what to say. I’m wondering how he knows I have a ‘little girl’ side in me. The pull to him is extraordinary.

I still want to know why he didn’t say hi when we met at the lunch bar though. And also, is the blonde really his girlfriend? But I will keep my curiosity at bay and just focus on the moment. Because I love the moment.

“Let’s go watch you have fun.” He says fondly and rounds the car to open the door for me. I realize how much I like his playful mood. “Do you have a favorite carousel here?”

Oh, yeah! “The Mars.” I beam it him like a fool. ‘The Mars’ is the scariest carousel here. It rotates by 360 degrees up into the air and it’s very high. A perfect adrenaline rush! But I decide to keep this information to myself.

“I am having a hard time trying to understand whether your beam means something fun or devilish. I think it’s the second option but okay, I’m going to keep an open mind.” He smiles back at me. Big time! And it’s a sight worth seeing. His smile is breathtaking. Maybe this sounds weird but he has the most perfect teeth. On the way to the carousels he buys pop-corn and we just talk and laugh. I could get used to this.

“How long have you been teaching at the ‘Reach It!’ centre?” He asks in the most casual way, as if it is completely normal to know where I work without me having told him that. I stop mid-chew.

“How do you know where I work?” As if realizing his mistake, he just smiles at me and dismisses the question.

“What were you eating at the lunch bar today?” Good strategy but I’m not sure it will work with me. I remember everything.

“Chicken and mushroom salad. It’s an all-time favorite.” I pretend I’m distracted.

“It’s one of my favorites as well.” He says grinning at me.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” The question flies out of my mouth before I can stop it.

“I wouldn’t be here with you now if I had one.” He says scanning me with those captivating eyes. I blush and look away. His answer, though, is the one I wanted to hear. I smile to myself, careful so that he doesn’t see it.

“Look! That’s ‘The Mars’. Let’s go!” I grab his wrist and almost run to it. The contact hits me like a wave and I feel every single inch of his skin touching mine. The feeling is delicious. As we near the carousel, he brings us to a halt. His face is full of uncertainty and even unease. So amusing!

“Do they have a license for this? Is it safe?”

“I’m sure they do. I have tried this and I’m alive.” I almost laugh. The invincible Alexander is afraid of a carousel!

We get into the line of people waiting at the entrance and I sense him fidgeting.

“We can go if you don’t like it. There’s nothing compulsory.”

“No, we will try it. I will.” I’m much impressed by his self-control and willpower.

‘The Mars’ starts swinging its huge weight. Alexander and I are sitting in the middle of the boat-like machine. I chose the seats as it’s less scary in the middle. Just before the first rotation he grabs my hand holding it tight. The adrenaline, his touch, the way he kind of relies on me brings my senses to a peak. I scream and giggle like a little girl. Then I look at him to find his eyes shut and his face tense.

“Alex!” I shout through the noise. “If you open your eyes it will be less scary. You will know what’s going on!”

“I can’t! This is horrible!” He shouts back.

“Trust me. It’s much better with eyes open!”

Then I see him open his eyes. It moves me to a greatest point that he did trust me enough. He watches me as the powerful machine rotates for the sixth time. Four left.

“Sarah!” He giggles. “This is amazing!” Loud screams leave our lungs at the same time. I don’t know if mine was thanks to the carousel or thanks to his words.

We are both wobbly as we try to make our way to the second carousel on my list. It’s nearly 11 pm so there are less people waiting in the line. This one is safer and requires more action.

“Autodrome!” He laughs. “Thanks for this one. I like it.”

The people outside the metallic borders are watching us. Everyone has withdrawn from the platform. It’s just me and him. He is chasing me and I’m trying not to hit the borders as I giggle endlessly. He seems so unburdened and happy. The unspoken connection between us is still there and I know we both feel it.

“No more? Let’s try one more.” He says as we walk down the pavement.

“I would love to, but it’s too late. Lily will be worrying. And besides, I forgot my phone in your car. She might have called.”

“Lily isn’t the one that was with you at the bar, is she?”

“No, that was Shawna, we work together. And who was the guy you were with?” I ask innocently. The truth is, I want to check his reaction to that question. Hope he has no clue.

“A friend.” He says dryly. I happily consider his answer a dismissal.

But then he goes silent. We walk to the car and it feels so uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem to be present and I have no idea what to do. He opens the front door for me and I get in. My phone lies neglected on the seat and I take it. I have 9 texts and 7 missed calls, all from Lily. Without reading her texts, I quickly send one to her.

“I’m fine. Forgot my phone in his car. On the way home now. Xxx

-Sarah. 21.05.17, 11.21 pm”

“If he does anything to you, just tell me the safeword. Xx

-Lily. 21.05.17, 11.21 pm”

I laugh when I remember our safeword - ‘iron boobies’. Alex looks at me steely and I shift in my seat. What’s wrong with him? What did I do?

“Umm Alex?”

“Yes.” he throws the word into the air without looking at me.

I decide to keep silent. I can clearly see that he doesn’t want to talk to me and it is so unnerving… Why did he so closed off so suddenly?

The way to my place is driven in suffocating silence. He doesn’t even glance at me once. No word, no touch, no eye contact. I’m trying my best to remember our conversation and I see nothing strange in it.  

As we reach my place, he leans in and opens my door. I want to ask him what is wrong. I want him to smile at me again. I want to feel the connection. But there’s nothing there… He has built iron walls around himself and there’s no way I can break them…

“Thank you for this evening… For the first half of it, more precisely.” I say sarcastically. He says nothing. Just nothing. I get out of the car.

 Tears pool in my eyes as I hear the roar of the car engine fading into the street. I do a small pep-talk encouraging myself not to cry before I reach my place. I am sure I have left something in his car. Maybe a piece of myself.