Changing Her Stars

Chapter Seventeen

Once again, Leira found herself speechless in front of this man. She stared past her husband to look outside instead of meeting his gaze. It was raining hard, and the bushes, though dormant during the colder seasons, seemed to be drowning in the accumulating water that pooled in the pathways and at their bases. She related to them, for she, too, felt like she was drowning at the duke’s manor. Nothing was enough, and nothing she seemed to do held any value.

The duke had already stated that he would strip away the privileges of her continuing to work, and she was certain this was the formal conversation to act on the notion. She had attempted to prepare herself for the moment in which she’d be officially asked to step down, but it still burned her. Hadn’t she helped? Hadn’t she done more than her fair share? He was the one who had been absent and had sent her in his place to make sure everything ran smoothly. Why was she the one punished for doing the work? Weren’t the townspeople pleased with her? She still recalled their smiles, now doubting whether they had been genuine or not.

“Is there something interesting happening behind me?” her husband’s voice asked, breaking her from her all-consuming thoughts.

“N-no, m’lord. My apologies,” she paused for a second before continuing, “What would you like to talk about?”

She knew she needed to get this conversation over with before she lost her nerves to hear what he had to say. The faster she could hear the words, the sooner she could fade away like she had at her father’s house. She’d lived that way for years, and though she had had a taste of what life could offer, she knew that once again, she could compartmentalize it and retreat back within herself. Being a shell wasn’t too difficult after accepting it.

Leira looked at the duke, feeling herself already beginning to shut down. She then wondered if she would still be allowed her lessons with Ezair. Why bring him to the manor if she couldn’t have the lessons anymore? Though, who was she to question her husband’s decisions? It wasn’t as if she had a say anyway.

The duke cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “I know that we, uh, had a brief conversation about you working and everything you did while I was still in the capitol. I wanted to continue that conversation.”

She took a sip of her coffee, though she didn’t taste it, and stared at him with an emotionless face.

“Would you, uh, be interested in doing that?” he asked.

Leira gave a small shake of her head as she said, “Sure.”

He grimaced. “What is with that face?”

“What face?”

He pointed. “That one. The look you’re giving me right now. It’s like, like, you’re disinterested. I thought you’d want to have this conversation with me, as it pertains to you and all.”

She was quiet. He hadn’t actually asked her question, so she felt no need to engage in the discussion. Again, it was always going to be his choice, so why would he even bother including her?

“Did I miscalculate? Are you not wanting this?”

Did she want this? Leira was taken aback by the question, and such a simple question it was; however, she couldn’t recall if any man in her life had truly ever asked her such a small string of words before. She posed it to herself, mulling it over in her head. Did she want this? Did she want any of this? This life? This husband? This way of being?

The answer came to her quickly and just as simple as the question itself: no. She didn’t want any of it because no one had ever genuinely wanted to know what she wanted. But, the truth of the matter was far more complicated than her answer. Though she didn’t want it, she did enjoy the work she had done, and being married to the duke, so far, hadn’t been as vile as her marriage to the viscount. She tenderly thought about the orphanage she’d built for the town, and how she had regularly gone to see the kids before the duke had returned. Her head swirled with thoughts.

“Can you be more specific with your question, please? What are you referring to?” she attempted to clarify.

He cleared his throat again and moved around in his seat. “I had assumed that there was more to say about you working, and perhaps what you want to do with your time. Would you like to talk about the topic of your work?”

“What is there to talk about? You’ve decided that due to my incompetence or lack of finesse, or whatever the reason that my work is not adequate, that I am no longer allowed to do so. What more is there to say?” she said, her tone cold.

He opened his mouth and then sighed. “That is the impression I gave, isn’t it? That is entirely my fault. I need to deeply apologize.”

Leira sat in her seat blankly. Her brain was having trouble registering his words.

“While I said I was going to resume the work duties, I should’ve made it clear that I have very much appreciated all that you’ve done for me and the town. By no means do I want to take away something you want or enjoy doing. I just…” he paused to rub the back of his neck. “I heard that you had been working a lot and not really eating your meals or sleeping enough. I was, well, I was worried about you. If taking away, or at least, easing up your workload meant that you would take better care of yourself, then I thought we should talk about it. You’ve done incredible work, and I certainly don’t want to take that away from you. I know that you’re the reason this place is running so well and that the people I’ve been tasked to protect are safe in their homes keeping dry and eating well. I won’t pretend like you played no part in that.”

This man knew no limit when it came to frustrating and confusing her. He truly baffled her beyond belief, and she found herself longing to throttle his throat until he could comprehend how to best communicate with her. Leira then inwardly groaned to herself.

“I have a question for you,” she said, pursing her lips.

“Go ahead.”

“If that was what you wanted to convey to me, why did you phrase it in such a way that would leave me to believe you were unhappy with my work? Why not say what you just said to me in the first place? Why allow for so much misunderstanding to come between us?”

He gave her a half-smile. “That’s three questions, my dear. But, I think I hear what you’re saying. And, to be perfectly honest, I… don’t know.”

Leira nodded once, waiting for him to carry on the discussion.

“I suppose there is room for growth. I can try to say such things in the future.”

“I think open communication from both of us would be good.”

He leaned forward, using the table to support his elbows, and clasped his hands together in front of his chin, a small smile playing on his lips. “It probably wouldn’t hurt. Why don’t we start with you, hmm?”

“Oh? What do you want to know?”

His smile grew. “Tell me about how you grew up, and what your family’s like.”

“Excuse me, Your Grace,” the butler said, walking over to the table. “Pardon the interruption.”

“What is it, Nyle?” the duke asked gruffly.

Nyle extended his hand, and the duke took the proffered envelope, opened it and read the contents. Leira watched his face, which had a light smile turn into a deep frown. His eyebrows knitted together, and then once reaching the bottom, he crumpled the letter in his hand.

Leira took another sip, waiting expectantly. The duke sighed, and then looked up at her.

“It seems we’ve been summoned for Harlon’s birthday extravaganza in two month’s time,” her husband then stated grumpily.

The two still hadn’t ever talked about his previous visit some odd months before because, frankly, she was too nervous to bring it up. They had ignored it, which in turn, had made it feel like it hadn’t even happened in the first place.

“I take it from your sour mood that we’ve no way to avoid it?” she then asked, finishing her cup of coffee.

He shook his head. “I’m afraid not. But, we have some time to prepare ourselves, at least.”

“Would you like to discuss what happened last time?”

The duke studied her after draining his own cup. He then stood and placed a kiss on her hand.

“No,” he said plainly, walking away.

She sighed, wondering how they could end their dance of making progress and then regressing not long after. However, it wasn’t a problem she wanted to focus on. Instead, she alerted one of the maids that she would be visiting the orphanage that day.