Changing Her Stars

Chapter Eighteen

It had been almost a week since her last sparring match with Ezair due to snow and the freezing rain interfering. It had been too cold, and Ezair had expressed his concern about getting an injury while attempting to train. In fact, she hadn’t done much since the dreary weather descended upon them and her body was feeling restless. She hadn’t been training again for long, but Leira realized that she had already begun relying on it and now missed the aching feeling in her arms and legs.

The duke had left before the storm hit the manor in order to check in on a few of the more rural towns within the borders of his lands, so the castle was relatively quiet. If she wasn’t working, she was chatting with Ezair, which had been relaxing and something she hadn’t known she’d been deprived of until the opportunities had presented themselves. She had received a letter from her husband the previous day that the snow storm would delay his return home for at least another week.

Leira found herself with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she appreciated the letter and the communication. He hadn’t needed to let her know, but clearly, he’d learned from his prior mistakes when he had been gone for months. On the other hand, though, she felt as though they should have gone together as a unified front. She was the duchess after all, and he hadn’t discussed the trip with her before leaving. She had been notified by the staff that he had left.

She continued to feel like for every one step forward, they took two backwards, and she wasn’t sure how to best broach the topic. She frowned into her cup, her thoughts swirling around like the liquid she was drinking.

“You’re doing it again,” Ezair teased, settling onto the coach next to her.

Leira was, as per usual, in her favorite spot: the office with the huge windows, fireplace, and makeshift office space. A spot that the staff had nicknamed, Her Ladyship’s Lounge. She had chuckled the first time she’d heard it and had reassured the staff that they weren’t in trouble for naming it such. She liked the name. It was her personal space for respite against everything outside the door, including her own husband.

“Doing what?” she asked.

Ezair sighed and then said, “The whole ‘overthinking’ thing.”

Leira finally pulled her gaze from her delicate teacup to look at him. “The what? What do you mean?”

“You do it more often here than at the viscount’s place. You overthink pretty much every situation. What is it this time?”

She peered over at him, slightly offended by his tone and words, but deep down, she knew he was right. How easily he read her. Why couldn’t her own husband read her like Ezair? She had no romantic interest in the man, but she did appreciate how he seemed to be in-tune with her. He put in more effort into their friendship, it felt like, than the duke did in their marriage.

“I’m… frustrated, I think,” she said slowly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes, I do, but I’m not sure that I should with you, if that even makes sense.”

Eziar raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“I… You obviously have known me for a long time, and even with the time away, we seemed to pick up our friendship basically where we left off. I don’t want to change the boundaries of our friendship and possibly overstep in any way.”

“So, you’re overthinking about our friendship?”

Leira opened her mouth to argue, but then closed it. Perhaps she had moved from overthinking about her husband to something else entirely. She felt exhausted at the mere thought of navigating all of the complications in her relationships with others.

“Perhaps I’m most worried about people getting the wrong impression of our friendship and then presuming it’s more than it truly is. We both agreed ages ago that it would never be more than a friendship, as I’m already married.”

“To someone you don’t love.”

She paused for a moment before continuing in a warning voice, “Ezair. We’ve already discussed this.”

“And I said it once, so I’ll say it again in case you have forgotten. I will help you escape this marriage if you want me to. I know you didn’t take me up on the offer with the viscount, but if you want to get out of this marriage with the duke, I will happily oblige.”

“Ezair–”

He shook his head. “No, Leira. I’m really tired of seeing you unhappy. You deserve joy or at least to smile at something. You’re supposed to enjoy life, and you haven’t gotten very much of that. I want happiness for you.”

She sighed, feeling the emotion behind his words. When Ezair had first been hired to be her guard, she had felt a connection with him immediately, which had led to deep conversations and genuine trust. After he had been sent away, she felt a loneliness she hadn’t ever felt before. It was something she never wanted to experience again, especially after being isolated in her father’s house for years. However, she wasn’t sure if she was willing to pay the cost for such a luxury.

“I appreciate that, but you know where I stand. Even if I have a different husband, I will not change my mind. This is my duty, and I will do it to the best of my ability,” she said with determination.

“Alright, but I am here for you, Leira. Always.”

She gave him a weak smile. “And, I appreciate it. Thank you. Though, you haven’t helped me with my other problem.”

He gave her a playful smirk. “So, you do want to talk about it?”

“Maybe,” she said, refraining from rolling her eyes.

The two broke out into laughter before Ezair gestured with his hand for her to begin.

“How can I talk to my husband?”

“Wow, what a broad question,” he chuckled. “Mind narrowing it down or giving any context for me?”

Leira pursed her lips in thought, wondering the best way to approach the topic without giving him too much information. She felt strongly about keeping things that happened with her husband between them and trying her best to not let other people into her marriage.

“Sometimes it feels like when I talk to my husband, he isn’t listening to what I’m saying. How can I reach him in a way he will understand?”

“Hmm,” he pondered, taking his time to think. “What do you most want to convey?

“What do you mean? Whatever my point is when we’re talking. I mean, you and I are having this conversation, and you seem to understand what I’m getting at or what I’m trying to say. If you misunderstand me, I’m able to correct you until you fully comprehend my meaning. When I talk with the Duke, it’s as if I’m talking to a brick wall. He thinks what he wants without hearing what I’m saying or makes assumptions and then responds to me based on those wrong assumptions.”

Ezair nodded. “That sounds frustrating.”

“It is, which is why I’m asking for advice. You’re a man, who thinks like a man. So, I was hoping you’d have some insight for me,” she said.

“This is probably a dumb question, but have you tried just saying that he isn’t understanding you or what you’re saying?”

She raised an eyebrow at him, to which he immediately held up his hands in surrender.

“I know; I know, hence the preface about it being dumb. He wasn’t receptive to it?”

“I mean, he kind of was? But, I don’t want to have to do that everytime.”

Ezair nodded. “That is reasonable.”

He paused for a moment, and his mouth twitched.

“Say it. I know you want to, so you might as well just come out with it,” she said, sounding almost annoyed.

“Well, if you insisted,” he joked before saying, “Have you ever thought about being totally honest with him?”

Leira felt herself tense up as she asked, “I am honest with him.”

“No, you’re not, and you know you’re not. And, you know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t–”

Ezair took her hand in his and interrupted her. “Leira, I know I just offered to help you get out of this marriage, but I promise you, after traveling with the man, he is not the Viscount. He is not like your ex-husband. I think he genuinely cares about you, and I think it would do you both good to fill him in on your past. I’m sure he’ll be receptive to it. And, it would definitely help you both communicate better.”

“How could you suggest that? You know better than anyone else why I can’t… why I can’t…” she stopped, tears springing to her eyes as memories flashed before her.

Unwanted memories.

“But, you can, and you should.”

Leira stood and walked to the window, her tears dripping onto her cheeks. She couldn’t face Ezair. How could he say things to her? He didn’t even know the half of it, and yet, he wanted her to bare her soul to a man who could so easily fling to the streets if he wanted. Her life was never truly hers, so how could she willingly give another man more power over her?

“Leira, you know I’m right,” Ezair said gently, coming up behind her and resting his arms on her shoulders.

“What if he doesn’t understand?”

After clearing his throat loudly, drawing both Leira’s and Ezair’s attention, the duke asked, “What won’t I understand?”

His arms were crossed over his chest, which was rising and falling rapidly. It looked like he had rushed to get back, and Leira froze, their eyes locking. She had never felt so terrified of someone else by just looking at them before until now.