Changing Her Stars

Chapter Nineteen

Shrugging Ezair’s arms off her shoulders, Leira took a small step forward. Their eyes were still locked, and she could see him searching for understanding. She could read that he wanted so badly to be misconstruing what was unfolding before him.

“M’lord,” she said barely above a whisper before falling into the customary curtsy to greet him. “I wasn’t expecting you until next week after the letter you sent.”

“I can see that,” he replied curtly.

Though he was leaning against the door frame rather nonchalantly, Leira could see him working through his emotions and trying to keep himself together. She mostly saw his anger, which warned her to be careful with how she proceeded.

“Ezair,” she said quietly, her head slightly turning even though her eyes remained on her husband. “Do you mind giving us some space?”

“Certainly–”

The duke interrupted. “No, I think that it may be best if he stays. He’s a part of this now, so he might as well join our conversations.”

She knew he was challenging her–testing her–to see how she would respond. He was giving her the message that if he stayed, it would confirm his suspicions that the prince had planted, but if she sent him away, it could also give wrong implications also. She felt caught in a trap that she had unknowingly walked into, and with each attempt to escape, she became more entangled.

“A part of what? What do you think is happening?” she countered, hoping to turn the tables on him and make him feel uncomfortable for once.

“Isn’t it obvious what’s happening when I’m away?”

“Say it. Say it out loud then. You don’t seem to trust me, so you might as well be blunt about it,” Leira retorted before she could stop herself.

She felt her anger rising. How dare he insinuate that she was truly having an affair under his roof and while he was away. What kind of woman did he think she was to do such a thing, especially since everyone in high society knew that the viscount had several mistresses while they were married. Her ex-husband often loudly boasted that she wasn’t enough for him nor pleased him like the other women could.

There was a hint of smile on her husband’s lips or so she thought she saw before he stood straight and uncrossed his arms. He took several steps toward her, closing the distance between them, and only stopping once there were mere inches apart.

Sliding his fingers down her arm, he gently clasped her hand and brought it to his lips. “I’m happy to remind you as to who your husband is if you’ve forgotten.”

Leira felt her cheeks flush. “That’s–that’s alright. I’m, uh, perfectly aware. The events to which you walked in on are not to be taken in any other manner than two friends having a conversation.”

“You seemed awfully close to just simply be friends.”

Her eyes flashed in anger. “We are friends. End of discussion. There is no more room to speculate anything further.”

He kissed her hand once more before nodding. “I believe you, Leira. And, I do have trust in you.”

Before she could muster up a response, he dropped her hand, spun on his heel, and walked out of the room. He left her in a flustered and annoyed state. The door closed shut softly, perfectly illustrating her feelings about their relationship.

“That went well, I think,” Ezair said with a smile.

Leira glared at him. “No thanks to you. And you want me to tell that man my deepest and darkest secrets?”

He lost his smile. “Yes, I still think it would help. If you open up to him, then I’m sure that he will open up to you.”

After raising an eyebrow, she asked, “You think, after the scene you just witnessed, that that man wants to open up to me? After he just practically accused me of having an affair with you? He wants to work on our relationship, if you can even call it that?”

“Yes, Leira. He does.”

“And can you even know that?”

“Any blind man could see it. You’re denying the truth that’s in front of you because you’re scared of getting hurt. You’re scared about a repeat marriage and getting humiliated. And, though that’s fair for you to do, you can’t treat this marriage like your last one.”

Leira stared at him for a few moments, reeling at his words. She was shocked. His words were unexpected and crossed a boundary.

“What do you even know about this marriage or the last?” she whispered, afraid of speaking lest she free the emotions she tried to bury deep within herself.

“I just–”

“When did you decide to take his side, Ezair? Is that the real reason why he brought you here? To keep an eye on me? Spill all my secrets?”

He sighed and then sank into the couch cushions. “No, Leira. I’m not on any side. I want what’s best for you.”

“How do you know what’s best for me?”

“I see how he looks at you. Whatever narrative you’ve built in your head about him may not be true. Can you accept that possibility? Can you give him a chance?”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand why you’re still pushing this.”

“It all comes back to wanting you to be happy. Since you’re choosing to stay with him, I think he can give you the happiness you deserve if you give him the opportunity to do so.”

“I…” she paused and turned to look out of the window at the snowy garden before continuing. “I think I need some space by myself to think. You’ve given me quite a bit to meditate on, and though I don’t think you did it in the best manner, I suppose that I may have needed to hear it.”

She heard him sigh again and stand from the couch. “Call for me when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting.”

The door opened, and then closed, leaving her alone with her thoughts, which were spiraling out of control. She felt scattered. She felt confused. But, mostly, she felt torn.

If she were to open up to her husband, Duke Eldrin Montero, she would not only be giving another man absolute power over her, but she would also be opening her heart up to someone she was afraid she could love.

Ezair was perfectly right–a blind man could see how the duke felt about her at times–but she wasn’t sure she could trust him. Her first husband had tossed her aside, and then her family discarded her as quickly as they could, and if she were to experience that hurt and rejection once more, she wasn’t sure she could endure it.

There were times when she felt certain that he may love her and wanted their marriage to be real and fruitful, and then he would turn ice towards her, and she was left reeling. Leira was tired of feeling uncertain about where she stood with him. She wanted answers, real answers. However, she had no idea where to start or the right questions to ask in order to achieve that goal.

She watched the snow falling gently, coating the world in white. It was peaceful and calming to watch, even while she felt everything around her dive into chaos. There were times when she felt like this couldn’t possibly be her life.

There was a soft knock on the door. She ignored it, her eyes never leaving the white landscape that was getting darker and darker with the setting sun until she was completely encased in black. At one point, she thought she heard another knock, but still, she stared out the window.

Would her life continue this way, where she seemed to be a passive viewer as time passed by? Was she missing out on something by keeping her husband at an arm’s length distance? By confiding in him, could they salvage their marriage and become a real couple? Did he actually trust her or had he simply been keeping face in front of Ezair?

Too many questions without the path toward finding the answers. Did she even want to risk creating the pathway to getting those answers? She thought she did, but there was a possibility of getting hurt, and she wasn’t convinced that she truly was willing to put herself out there.

“What do I even want?” she asked herself aloud, breaking the pristine silence that had descended upon the room.

Her voice sounded sad, broken. It rang in her ears. It didn’t even sound like her. Leira remembered when she was full of life, and when she had a desire to go out and see the world. But, that almost felt like a lifetime ago. She had grown up believing that she would live a life worth the air in her lungs, and now, she compared herself to a living corpse. She did what was expected rather than what she wanted. She lived for others’ expectations, for her husband’s approval, and what did that ever earn her?

As she looked out at the darkness before her, feeling the winter chill set in her bones, she knew that she had arrived at a crossroads. She could either remain as she was, protecting herself above all and go through life without ever truly living, or she could be brave and take a step toward something grander and greater than she could imagine.

It was up to her to choose how she wanted to move forward. No one else could completely influence her decision, but if she didn’t decide sooner rather than later, the choice would ultimately be taken away from her, and she would fade away from the world.

Leira finally turned from the window, determined to see her choice through, whether she had a happy ending or not.