Her Trail

16

Papa became busier as ever. I heard that a war is about to break out, they were trying to cool down things but the Aristocrat faction wanted to push through because they wanted to let the other empires fear the power of the Vanzelion Empire. Since I was twelve, the things between the two adjacent empires are worsening.

I remember then that Papa was reading something about that and he asked me about my opinion regarding that. I said things about the military power and the people's condition if ever war broke out.

I realized that Papa became busy because of that years later. One thing that I have learned is war isn't something that leaders would engage in rashly, as for the empire, it took us years to finally decide to engage in one.

At first, as per Sir Adalius, the Emperor wanted to strengthen the security of the kingdom in between the two empires, because that is ours. But as time goes by, the aggressiveness of the other empire to colonize that kingdom became as vivid as drinking water. Still, it took them long to decide because the leaders are thinking about the safety of the people and their knights.

I really doesn't involve myself in that because my interest revolves around medicine until I heard Matt, John, and Marco, some of the knights, talk about the scarcity of medical personals who are willing to join them and heal those who will fight for the empire, that alarmed me and I know what I'm about to do will worry my family. I don't even think they will let me come.

After drinking the morning tea, I roam around the house with my soft and thick cape protecting me from the cold.

Time really goes fast, just months ago we held my seventeenth birthday celebration, and now, the news about the war reach my ears.

The knights are busy so I haven't really seen them, as for Bella and Shane together with the other maids, they are on leave because of the current crisis, they'll never know if their family has to volunteer.

It bothers me, how Papa and older brother have to go to the center of the war, I hate to think that in the long process, they will get hurt.

Sir Adalius told me that wars might last for months or years, we'll never really know.

I just can't imagine how long I will be here without any of them, even the knights who became my friend. No one will make me laugh when I'm bored, no one will ride a horse with me while bonding together. I think staying here without Papa and brother will sadden me.

At first, I have no plan in mind to go there with them, but like what I said, when I heard about the situation about the healers, I really think I can help. I will represent myself to be an assistant or something, as long as I can help.

They all know I'm very knowledgeable about medicine, even the Emperor himself acknowledge that through a letter that he sent me. He even told me that if there's time, I should visit the Lion Palace, well, I don't think Papa will let me, and I don't want to go there as well because of certain someone that I have to ignore with my very best.

I reach the place near Papa's harem tower, and the trees and plants in this area are really beautiful... plus the snow that covered most of them.

I ignored this place for a very long time since I was reborn in this world, and now, my curiosity win over me.

I open the fantasy-like gate in front of me, it's kind of rusty but its golden color suits it, and it's kind of magical like there's a princess over the tower that needed rescuing.

When I step a foot inside, the snow slightly covered my foot because it's kind of deep on that part. When I fully enter I looked around, wishing to see some of the women.

But it's quiet.

Did they leave this place too like the maids who went back to their families for a while?

Oh well.

I started looking around to see what it's like. I heard that nobles usually have this part of a House, especially the palaces.

Gosh, if I knew my partner in this world have a place like this, I won't many him. I mean, isn't he contented?

I don't understand Papa too... I knew he loves older brother's mother so much but he still had a daughter with another woman when she died and he built a harem tower in the White Dragon's House when both of his wives died.

It's intriguing, was he hurt? It's like a curse... having first and second wives die... their relationship isn't even that long.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh my gosh!" I almost screamed when someone suddenly speak behind me.

When I turn my body to see who it was. Papa's face welcomed me, he look really serious and his forehead slightly creased so I gulp nervously.

"What are you doing here, Elora Ember?"

"Huh? Uh... I am walking around then I saw this place and I got curious so..."

Why does he look mad? I haven't seen Papa like this before. He's never this mad at me whenever I did something he didn't like.

"I told you that you can't go to this place, am I right?"

I nodded, blinking repeatedly, unable to say something.

"Then why did you go in? You don't respect my authority as a Duke anymore?"

Why is he so mad...

Suddenly, I can feel the side of my eyes heating up as if tears are about to come out but I calm myself down.

"I'm sorry..." I said, my voice is hoarse.

"Go back to your room, you're grounded, reflect on what you did."

I grew silent, unable to speak again. I just nodded my head, afraid of his anger that I don't even understand.

With a heavy heart, I walk away from him without even saying a word. It was only then that my lips trembled and my eyes release fresh tears.

I was so afraid!

I run fastly to go inside the house and to go back to my room. When Sir Betram and older brother saw me and call for me I didn't even bat an eye on them, I just continuously running until I reach my room and I lock the door to shut myself inside.

I tuck myself in bed, relaying what happened in my mind. Papa was never been that angry with me, he never look at me with those cold eyes... I don't even understand why.

I know I break the rule but was that enough to make him angry at me to the point that he shouted and grounded me?

I hate that I can't help but sob for what happened. I hate that I'm crying and scared he might hate me for what I did.

He didn't even talk to me as a daughter but as the Duke...

He didn't look at me with the same eyes he used to give me as a father.

I hate that what happened made me so paranoid and scared because I remember how my father in my last life who looks exactly like him would look at me with those cold and ruthless eyes, without any care at all.

The Dallas Caspian of my former life is just like how father acted a while ago.

I wipe the tears that flow from my eyes.

I heard someone knocking on my door but I don't think I can face anyone looking like this.

I can't believe I will feel so homesick but I didn't even know where I belong. I hate that with few words I suddenly doubt if I really was healed.

Am I too weak? Too sensitive?

Words swayed all the things I believed in, so suddenly, I remember that in this life, I was also the unloved child, if I didn't pretend at first and do everything just to have their love, I wouldn't last long.

Suddenly, I remember, that even in this life, I have to work extra hard to be loved.

My tears fall continuously, and it was the kind of cry that have no sound, the one that is silent but screaming pain.

The tears won't stop falling as I touch my chest because something inside is hurting.

I tried to wipe the tears away but it was just replaced by a new one.

Another knock from the door caught my attention. I bit my lower lip, suppressing my sobs, cause finally, my silent cries are now trying to create a sound.

When I went up from bed, willing to open the door for the person knocking, I stopped in the middle of walking, I saw myself in the mirror of the vanity table. Instead of opening the door, I went there, I sit in front of it while watching myself hurting.

What a mess.

Why am I always running after and chasing love?

Why do I always fail on that part?

Was I too unlove to the point that the Duke's anger scare me like this? Was I too unlove that words could affect me and crumbles all the things I believed in?

I clutch my chest, my other hand is covering my mouth because my sobs are trying to escape.

I don't want them to hear how affected am I.

I look at myself in the mirror.

Elora, you are beautiful... talented, intelligent, but why were you unloved, if I wasn't reborn on your body, will they ever land their eyes on you?

And as for me, you did everything but why are you betrayed? Why didn't your family cared for you? Why did you resort to ending your own lifeline again, was it because the hurt was too much that it numb you? Or was it because you wanted to live but death seems easier?

I cover both of my hands to my mouth as I cry continuously for another hour.

Elora why are you always wanting to be love... you were always the one who gives love, but when will you give one for yourself?

When will you mumble your name among the persons you love?

When will I?

And why is it so hard to love me?

All the whys and what-ifs covered me wholly.

I'm sorry, Elora because mere words can make me overthink like this. Mere words and cold eyes suddenly crumble all my faith for the love that others can give.

Please, Universe... tell me if even in this trail I only have myself in the end.

Don't give me false hope using the happiest moments, and leaving me alone in dark hours like this.

Another knock came.

"Elora, are you awake? Please open the door," it was my brothers voice.

I leaned my head on the table, resting my forehead there as I stare at nowhere.

"What happened? I saw you crying a while ago..." brother is still outside, refusing to leave.

"Did you fight with Father Duke?"

"Please tell me what happened."

"I'm worried."

"Elora Ember Fleyr..."

Why am I so doubtful so suddenly? I f*cking hate myself.

What happened was shallow, many will laugh at my problem, many will think I'm sensitive, overreacting, just overthinking...

If someone knows how my mind works they will hate me... they will think how shallow my reasonings are.

I thought I was healed or slowly healing... why does it seems like old wounds keep coming back?

How do I know if I was truly healed from everything my past life gave me?

My eyes are heating up again, crunching my nose, trying hard not to let any tears flow but the rush of emotions is stronger than my will to stop.

I'm sorry...

for not loving myself.