Her Trail

17.

The next day, I wake up late because Bella and Shane weren't there to wake me up. I can feel my floppy eyes and face, it's already noon when I look at the clock.

Last night, I sleep so late because of overthinking, of all the sudden rush of realizations...

I list in my mind what I wanted to do, I really wanted to cherish this life, that's the positive thing of having a one on one talk to myself.

My previous life was full of fears, betrayal, of pain, but I wanted to have a better life this time... perhaps, I can manage without being so dependent on anyone.

I love Papa and older brother, that's a fact I cannot erase, but life taught me so hard, it's just that, I shouldn't expect too much from people, I shouldn't depend on anyone. Because at some point in life, I only have nothing but myself.

I realized that my mindset was so wrong when I decided to have this trail mine, for me, back then, I should make my family love me to protect myself, but that was just so wrong...

Now, I have also fallen for them but I couldn't let myself lean on them just to go on with this life. I wanted to own this with the help of myself this time, confident and strong... I wanted to decide also on things that would make me happy, I wanted to exercise my passion in this world too.

I was always looking for someone who would love me, but at those moments I didn't even think of loving myself... I was too focused on others that I have forgotten who I was underneath.

It made me cry... that if I am still alive in my previous life, I'm already in my mid-thirties but I am only realizing things now. Suddenly, I remember, that not all life started at birth, some started at that age or this age of Elora in my new life.

I readied the bathtub on my own, did things on my own; such as fixing my own hair, choosing my dress and accessories, I also fix my bed and I clean my own room.

Cleaning is really therapeutic.

I went to my vanity table to look at myself, my reflection in the mirror shows how nervous I am. I mean, I have to tell them my decision and I'll really push what I wanted because it involves my passion.

I am not sure if they are going to like it but I am sure of one thing, they will get angry at me, they will also hinder me to go.

My green eyes were moist a bit because of a sudden rush of fear...

But Elora, you told yourself you are going to own this life, you told yourself you are going to pursue your dreams and will perform your calling even in this second life, so why are you so afraid of choosing yourself?

Sometimes just a little action can change a tide, that's what happened between me and Papa. Shallow words knock a rock on my head and it hurts, and it's even crazier because a simple fight affected me like this.

I feel so shallow, but I never regret having those realizations, if that is a way to wake me up from my delusions, even if it's a small rock, it created a tsunami on the ocean of pain, doubts, and fears...

I heave a sigh when I finally dare to go out and go to where they are. They must be busy with the upcoming war, they must be stressed out because engaging with one will create a great impact on the people that are involved.

I walk out of the room and I was shocked to see Sir Betram standing outside like an honorable Knight he is.

"Lady Elora..." he called for me.

I blink a few times, I think my feet can't move where exactly I'm standing, I was stunned because it seems like he was waiting for me.

"W-Why are you here, Sir Betram?"

His expression soften as he look at my face, never did I saw him look at me like this.

"You didn't join the Duke and the young lord with breakfast and lunch, they were worried, I can tell that, so Sir Adalius told me to look for you but I realized that you must be sleeping so I waited."

I nodded.

Seriously, why am I suddenly nervous facing anyone in the house? How will I tell the Duke and older brother what I wanted when I'm like this?

What's so scary about them that I wanted to run away from them?

"Where is... where is the D-Duke?" I tried hard not to stutter but my voice betrayed me.

His expression is screaming of both shock and sadness for me.

"His grace is in his office, shall we go there together?"

Office, as expected.

"Let's do that," all that I can reply because it's awkward.

It feels like torture as we walk silently on the empty hallways, with only the sound of my shoes and my footsteps are heard. It's amusing that Sir Betram doesn't make a sound but perhaps they are already trained with those things.

I felt like my ribcage would break the moment we reach the room for his office, and when Sir Betram announced my arrival and Papa's voice was heard, my heart can't just stop beating, I don't think I can calm myself down!

Sir Betram go in first leaving me doubting if I'm going in or not, but when I saw Sir Adalius' hawk eyes looking at me with those scrutinizing eyes, I felt like I had no choice but to went in.

Brothers gazes, as well as Father's dark red eyes, went to me, they are both here and looking at me intently.

Without looking at anyone's eyes, I bow down like a fine lady, "Good day, Sir Adalius, brother, and father..."

I gulp a few times when I sense that they were all waiting for me to speak.

"I-I... I wanted to go to the war and help the injured, I can be a healers assistant, I heard about the scarcity of medical staff so I'd like to volunteer myself, please let me because I really wanted to help with the use of my advance knowledge on medicine as well."

######

When I look directly at Father's eyes, I saw how seriousness enveloped it and his jaw clench, even his forehead crease. I know what is about to come when I saw his reaction.

"No," it was a final single word from him.

"But—"

"I said no, Elora, go back to your room."

I think my face just crumble at what I heard, he is not even willing to hear me out!

"No! Listen to me first, your grace!" I can't help but raise my voice even though after that it sting a bit because of guilt.

They all look shocked at my outburst so I inhale and exhale repeatedly to calm myself down.

"Just listen to me first, is that fine?" Now, my voice is calmer and serious now.

Father still looks mad at what I just said but he still has his lips on a grim line.

"I really wanted to be a healer but who knows right? I don't know if I can become one when my coming of age came... but through this war, I can save lives and can cure a lot of injured knights. Please don't doubt me on this and please trust me on my decision."

We were enveloped by silence after that. I don't know how to persuade them but it's better to tell them the truth now. I wanted them to see that I'm standing on the decision I made, and my mind is already decided for it.

"It will be too dangerous, Elora," this time my brother interrupted the silence between all of us.

I seriously look directly at his red and dark eyes, "I know, brother, when I made my decision, I considered the possible danger, but what's more dangerous is the scarcity of healers in the center of the war."

I saw how he sighed like he is surrending to the argument. I think that strengthens my will to push this through. I look at Father this time to see his expression but there's nothing but madness.

I can sense how angry he is, a silent kind of anger that scares me. I think this will dent our relationship... I don't know.

"Lady Elora, I'm telling you right now, coming to war is a great responsibility, and you should also know how to handle yourself well for everyone's peace of mind. You should not decide solely for yourself but for the people around you as well. Do you want to them die in worry? I am not against your goodwill but they are still your family, a family that worries about you, I hope you don't forget that."

What Sir Adalius said to shut me off a bit, but then when I compose myself, I stand in the middle with confidence.

"Please trust on me like how I trust the Knights and everyone who will fight not only for our empire but for those who are fighting for it in a defensive way. I know you think that I won't handle that kind of environment, and yes, I am scared, but my willingness to help exceeds the fear the greatest," I look at brother's eyes sincerely, "I know you understand me deep inside, all I can ask is trust," my eyes went to Papa this time, "Please let me prove to you that my willingness will let me live and that I won't face any danger because I know the whole pack of Knights, including you, are fighting for everyone's safety."

I blushed a bit as I realized that I felt like I'm doing a speech in front of everyone, yet it was then filled with another wave of nervousness when the Duke stand up from his seat in front of me.

He walk away from his table, and when he reach the place near me, he stood there like a wolf ready for his prey.

"It seems like no one can change my mind, Elora Ember. I'll look at this as going against my order. Feel free to join, but never run to me in the times of need."

I paled when he said that ruthlessly, like a Duke and no father at all. He stands near me with eyes colder than ice and snow. He stood there so disappointed and the atmosphere was filled with this madness.

My knees wobble at the thought of his ruthlessness. My eyes were glued at him and I think I can't speak... and my eyes are moistening, hurt from what I just heard, hurt because this time, his words aren't shallow anymore.

I slightly jumped when brother went to my side unnoticed. He held my arm watching me with eyes I cannot solve.

I don't know how to react but when he grabbed my arm to let me walk out of the room, I realized that he wanted me out of there.

When we reach the outside, I jumped off again because I think something from the office break, and it was so loud!

I cannot cry because my brother is near me so I clutch my dress tightly as I tried to calm myself from everything that happened.

When my gazes went to Brother who is watching me intently, I can't help but cry. My tears just won't stop falling I thought they were already gone from too much crying last night. I thought I already dried all the tears but just the scene of his eyes with worry made me so weak and so heartbroken.

He grabs my arm again for a hug and I cried more because of that.

"I'm sorry, were you scared?" he whispered in my ear and that triggered tons of tears to burst out like falls on my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Elora, that you were born in a family as cold-blooded as this... but believe me, we love you, we love you more than we could ever offer for ourselves. Our Father Duke was the most worried about you among all of us, he don't want you to see and experience the chaos that's why he said things he didn't even mean. For sure he will be the first one to die just to protect you, do you hear me, Elora Ember?"

He gripped his coat tightly and I buried my face on his chest. My tears fell continuously, and my chest hurts because of crying silently, I don't want to create any sound but it hurts so much, both emotional and physical.