Darkness

- "Feelings"  I stood there. And I watched, it was something out of a movie. The light shining down upon them through the window; myself standing in the darkness just watching as all emotions drained from within me. The sparkle in my eye that was once lit as soon as my eyes laid upon him, the feelings that I haven't felt in so long that erupted and bloomed even if just for a second that emptiness was once filled with… emotions. Emotions that I forgot existed, that had faded along with my memory and grip on life. Days passing, weeks passing, time flying so close in front of me but just out of reach. My legs, my body, my physical and emotional timer wearing thin, forever burning and aching, the pain of chasing but reaching no further just trying to catch up and hold on tight, wrap my fingers around it and grasp it with all my might. Those emotions, the time, feelings, everything just rushing by. My crumbling heart was once whole back when nothing mattered, the giggles of a young child; carefree and all, no worries, no stress, no sadness, except for happiness. For what I would do to travel back in time and just… live. The ash like remains of that beating rhythm forever giving up and slowing, the pulse flowing through my body slowing to a point my heart beat so shallow a doctor could mistake me for dead. My veins running cold, my body felling… empty once more. My shaking hands having to scoop up that crumbled pile inside of me and lock it deep within again, return it to it coffin where it with remain until it up rises or gets taken away by the wind like other souls, taken away and continuously drifting in the wind, up in the sky dancing among the clouds. The ones who could finally escape all this. Daggers pierced my eyes, my sight overwhelming. Cant I just be blind for a while? To not see the world around me, just to curl up into a ball and… and not feel anything. The river flowing down my face, my eyes still stuck staring straight ahead. That bitter salty liquid running a race to see who could fall quicker, the race never ending, each racer just replacing themselves with new ones. The race would never end whether or not internal, the race will never stop, the halt will never come, the sign never being signalled. My body being a shadow in the crowd, my soul drifting away with the flow of time, the crowd swallowing me whole as I stood not moving a muscle peoples foot steps echoed through the hall, the chatter of teeth and lips colliding to form sentences just to be blended together by another wanting to speak. Laughter I was so envious of swimming its way towards the walls and bouncing off to be travelled away and rebound again. My hearing beginning to ring as if I fell in to a bottomless ocean, sinking deeper and deeper, the water muffling the sounds, the ocean over lapping themselves until complete silence as my hearing left me like everything else. The air that flowed through my nose and into my lungs dissipating and starting to burn as if an unwanted chemical I had suddenly inhaled, my rib-cage turning in on itself, the bones stabbing my insides. The pressure on my chest being compressed, my shoulders sagging from the weight they’ve had to endure. My legs feeling like thin wooden sticks, ready to snap any moment. My head hung low as the race continued, the salty substance scraping down my face and falling to where it would reach its end and eventually evaporate. Even though my sight blurry and fogged over the image in front of me still clear to the heart. It was in slow motion, his hand moving towards hers, the growing red on her cheeks as their skin met and their fingers interlocking with each other. He raised the weaved locket of their hands and kissed the back of hers. The blush on her face unmissable as her diamond blue eyes flickered away, blonde hair moving with her head movement. Her pale skin contrasting with his tan tone, the creases in the corner of each others eyes once their eye contact was met and the crazy smiles they had plastered on. His hazel green eyes staring into her blue as the two pieces of a lock came together and clicked from the base of the wrist, a lock with no key forever sealed even if it could not be seen. The way their eyes shone back at each other, the twinkle so prominent in the hazel and green mess and my dark and empty brown could easily be mistaken as black like the emptiness surrounding me staring at the two souls in front of me. Them being oblivious to my presence, seeming as if they got lost within each others eyes. The sun blessing them with its kiss, their skin glowing, teeth shining, and sparkles in their eyes exploding. I couldn’t watch, having to tare my eyes away, my trembling limbs moving away and sinking back into the darkness, my black hair swaying as I stumbled backwards into the crowd, the tears still hadn’t stopped and created a puddle. I began to shake slightly, my every step being a struggle to stand straight and walk away. A little sob like moan escaped my mouth, my hearing coming back to me. My body dissipated into the sea of people, my… my everything suddenly torn away. He was mine, maybe not mine officially but my heart had lay claim. I had become attached and as I walked away from the one I so whole heartedly loved and would throw anything away for, my life, my… everything and anything just for that boy, for that boy to feel the same way I feel for him. Walking away was one hard thing to do, viewing that scene between him and that girl was a very painful thing to do but what the worst and most painful was the realisation. That he doesn’t love me like I love him, doesn’t look at me the same way I look at him, doesn’t notice ME the way I notice HIM. That night when I curled up into a ball, folding my limbs and trying to hold myself close and together, I wont shatter now; not now of all times. But that night I did shatter, into millions of trillions of pieces, my will ripped away at the exact moment I walked away. However once broken it will never be the same and some things you cant fix. I was one of those things, I was too broken to be fixed that night and the ear piercing scream that sounded through the courtyard when someone found me was all that I remember before my eye lids began too be dragged down by the reaper himself until all I saw was darkness The feeling in all my limbs slowly fading, the want to move, to breathe, to blink, The locket around my heart being forced open and the remaining black ash of my heart being poured into the ocean. My soul relieving itself from my body, the life it had to live and burdens that held it captive. Now my soul dances among the clouds, playing and gliding across the sky with the others who could escape. Now in the sky with the clouds, the sun and the other free souls there with no DARKNESS.