I Don't Want to Fall

I thought he was my prince charming come to take me away from the loneliness and hate of the world. I fell fast and hard for this tantalizing stranger who preyed on a young and naive girl starving for love as this devil of a man laughed at his own game. Because that is exactly what it was to him a cat and mouse game with my heart, and in my childish innocence, I gave myself to someone I thought loved me. I was a rejected child with no home after my parents died. I was so young and shifted through foster homes and group homes most of my childhood. It was empty leaving a void, and I learned love was always conditional. Everything had strings attached, and you should never trust anyone. Even though the cruelty of the world taught me that I still wanted to believe in something more. I wanted to believe in love. I was nothing more than a fool. I met him when I was seventeen, and he was so handsome and with a charming quality that pulled you right into his arms. He played me like a fiddle, and I was so lonely craving love I fell quickly in that devil's trap. It was too easy for him. His name is Gavin Maxwell. He was the definition of tall, dark, and handsome with olive skin, black hair, and dark brown eyes at 6' 2" with broad shoulders and a defined chin line. He oozed of charisma, and when I first met him, he treated me like a princess. At first, he made me feel safe and cherished. I met him at an evening job. I worked as a waitress. I remember thinking he could have had anyone, but he chose me. I wore a black button-down shirt and cheap black slacks. My strawberry blonde hair in a high ponytail with a black ribbon. He came in by himself, and that dazzling smile he gave me made me go loopy. I didn't know what he truly was. I fell too hard too fast. He came from money in a small town in the mountains of Tennessee. We aloped after a whirlwind romance and quickly got pregnant with the twins, Emmeline and Emerson. He was so excited when we first got pregnant and was ecstatic that we were having twins. Slowly, as my pregnancy progressed, he started disappearing more and more. When I would question where he was, it only created arguments. After I gave birth to the twins, the arguments started to become violent. I found him to be very possessive over me and controlling. All the while, he was out there doing as he pleased, which included numerous affairs. I was heartbroken and depressed. Crushed when I learned the truth of what this man was. He isolated me from the world, and I’ve never felt more alone than I did with a man who only saw me as his property to do as he saw fit. He took from me until there was nothing left to give. This man tore me apart, leaving me broken an empty shell of myself. He wanted the picture perfect family at home and for me to shut my mouth. Follow him without question, and do exactly what he wanted. I had to make an escape plan for my children and myself as the violent behavior grew. I was literally dying inside by staying a prisoner to the narcissist I had married. Finally, I hid enough money to get a decent lawyer together. I was able to make a deal with Gavin. He would allow me to move out with the children, but I had to wait a year before deciding to file divorce. It was hard to even get that much from him and his lawyer. He was to give me a fair sum to start out with and pay child support on the kids while continuing to provide health insurance. Gavin wasn't happy with any of this, but at least he had more freedom to do as he pleased. He just didn't want me to have any freedom. He literally thought he owned me. I was his, and he didn’t like the thought of losing any kind of control over the kids and I. When I was eighteen, I gave birth to the twins. Now I was twenty-three. Six years with Gavin, and our children were now 4 years old. I'm glad we didn't have any more. Not for Gavin's lack of trying. He expected me to give myself to him as his wife whether I wanted to or not. Martial rape meant nothing to him. I was his, and it was my duty to give myself to him. What he didn’t know is that after I had the twins, I began secretly taking birth control behind his back. I knew if he ever found that out about it, the beating I would have to endure would be devastating. Our son loathed his very existence, and our daughter was terrified of him. I didn’t want to bring any more children into our toxic marriage to suffer the consequences of my mistakes. I was guilty for my poor choice in father to my children. After all, the legal paperwork was finalized. I moved to a small town just over the state line about 50 minutes away from him. It was a small three bedroom cobblestone cottage deep in the country. Hidden in the woods, you couldn't even see it from the road. I wanted my privacy so dearly. It was on about 10 acres of land, but only an acre was cleared. There was a small barn and chicken coop. Something to keep me busy. I worked a small job in town as well, while the kids went to the local preschool. No one in this town had even heard of Gavin Maxwell, and that is what we need, a fresh start. He was supposed to get the children on weekends and share holidays, but he still loved to harrass me and show up uninvited. Anything to exert whatever power he still felt he had over me. Always had to position himself as dominant and take any small amount of power I thought I was regaining away. I had gotten a large dog to help me feel safer. The man I got him from was growing sickly and said he couldn't provide for him any longer. He was about 2 years old and smart as a tack. He told me he was a wolf dog, and you could tell. Right now, he was growling at the door. When I went to open it, he gently pushed me back as if to tell me no when I went to investigate. "Fang, I have to see who is at the door." I softly told him and rubbed his head between the ears. I had been getting ready for work before getting the kids ready for school. It was about 6:30am, and a strange time for visitors. I knew who I would find behind the door, and to no surprise, there was Gavin standing on the porch smiling that now sickening smile at me. At this point in my life, it literally turned my stomach. Fang continued to growl standing next to me. Even on all fours, he stood taller than my waist. Gavin looked down at him with disdain. "Ellowyn, that dog is dangerous to have around the children." "Gavin, we have had this discussion before, and he is very gentle with the children. They love him, and he only seems to have an issue with you, which I can't blame him." I huffed, " Why are you here now?" "Can't I check on my wife and children?" he questioned with fake shock. "We are separated, and you aren't due to pick up the children until this weekend. You are going to make us late." I reminded him. "When are you going to stop with this nonsense, and just come home where you belong?" he cooed "This is my home now. I am not coming back to you. Don't you have some mistress to attend to?" I copped, annoyed. I could see the anger he was trying to control on his face. "You will get tired of this, and one way or another, you will come home." He growled towards me. "I will never be yours again. I fell for your tricks once when I was young and naive, but you have shown me your true colors. We are separated, and if you don't stop harrassing me and trying to intimate me, I will find a way to get a restraining order." I said firmly. He tried to slam through the door to get to me, his anger becoming uncontrollable. I stepped back, fear coming over me suddenly, but Fang jumped forward, growling and snapping at him. His braveness gave me a little more strength. "And that is why the dog stays!" I slammed the door in Gavin's face and locked it. Then, I fell to the floor on the other side, holding my heart as it threatened to jump out of my chest. Fang nuzzled me, trying to calm me. I petted him and held his face to mine. I had to get up. I couldn't let the children see me like this. I looked out the window and saw Gavin speed off out of the drive. Gravel and dust flying out from behind him. When will I ever find peace again. I just wish he would leave me alone to heal. With a heavy sigh, I went to get the children up and ready for preschool. Fang following closely by my side. That man took me out of my dark world for a short time. He promised me the moon, but all I wanted was simple. I just wanted a man who loved me and to build a family with him. What I got was a twisted and dark version of events. Gavin brought me to lows worse than anything in my past. He shattered my heart, crushed my dreams, and destroyed me as a person. The mental, emotional, and physical abuse I endured by this man who said he loved me was beyond any punishment I could ever imagine in life. What, as a young and vulnerable woman, I thought was my prince charming was in truth, a monster dressed in sheep's clothing. He destroyed me, but what he was failing to see was Cinderella was dead. In her wake, I will rise from the ashes. Somedays are harder than others to believe in that, but it's the only hope I have. Healing and rebuilding myself would be much easier if my abuser left me alone, but I don't see him doing that. He was like a child with his favorite toy. He wasn't about to let it go or give into the possibility of someone else taking it.