I Don't Want to Fall

Chapter 4: Love and Loss

For a long time, it was just me, Carson Wade Cunningham, second son to Alpha Amos Cunningham of the Evergreen Pack. My brother Rhett was the star and the future Alpha to the pack. He endured all the pressure, training, and limelight that came with that, and I was grateful. I never wanted that life. I dreamed of something more simple for my life.

Our mother died when I was very young. We were unsure of the details as my father refused to talk about it, and no one else would out of fear that in doing so would upset their Alpha. After the loss of my mother, my father put all his focus on the pack and raised us to run it in the future. Over the years, we have had a lot of issues with rogues, which has only slowed down in the last few years. Everyone in our pack is expected to train for their safety due to it.

Ever since I was little seeing how much these attacks affected our pack, I have trained harder than most. It earned me becoming their top warrior over the years. Where Rhett was more a people person and excelled in politics, I was a soldier through and through. I was a natural leader to my men, and my mind worked in layers of strategy for the best outcome.

Seeing this when my father stepped down, giving Rhett the Alpha position in his place, I was given the Gamma position. To oversee the training of our pack and warriors and over any defensive or offensive battle strategies and positions after the approval of the Alpha and Beta, of course. Our Beta was to be my brother's life-long best friend Dalton.

Some people seemed to question this line up, stating that the Gamma is traditionally the third strongest in the pack, but I could beat both my brother and Dalton in a match. My father kept that chatter down, making it die out quickly. I was happy with that. I didn't want to run the pack, and being Gamma, I could focus on what I deemed important, training.

I was 22 when my father and brother sent me to help with training at a nearby pack that was having the same issues as we were. This was right after Rhett had become Alpha. While there, I met her, my mate, Claire. It was the most magical moment of my life as she walked towards me in a halo of the summer sunlight. I watched as it glistened in her golden hair, making her look like an angel.

She giggled at me when I couldn't seem to find words to respond to her greeting, which sounded as soft as the tinkering of bells. I was lost in the deep blue of her eyes, love struck. After that, I was worthless in training the pack, so someone else was sent in my place. I was able to come home with Claire and enjoy time alone with my mate. Memories that are bittersweet now.

Claire was so perfect in every way, but her passion was dance. We decided she would open a small dance studio to teach ballet. While I was working on renovating the space that would eventually be the studio for her and her future students, we found out she was pregnant. I was over the moon.

I was happy working as the pack Gamma. I had the beautiful mate and baby on the way. Life was exactly what I wanted it to be, but the happiness and peace would be short-lived.

Towards the end of Claire's pregnancy, there was a large-scale rogue attack on pack lands. As the Gamma, I was called to the front lines with my men. Women and children were to take shelter in the numerous safe houses or bunkers scattered over the lands. I had one specially made in the basement of our home.

Much help it was for what I didn't know at the time was Claire was not at home when the attack started. She was making her way there when the alarms sounded.

I was in the midst of battle when pain through the mate bond hit me. I fell to the ground. Then, upon realizing what was going on, I fled from battle to find her. I left my warriors. I left Rhett and Dalton.

I found her cornered by two rogues. What type of scum do you have to be to attack a visibly pregnant woman? I have no clue. I didn't care to wait around and find out either because without a second thought, I tore them to pieces.

Gently picking Claire up from the ground afterwards, I ran her to the pack hospital. Nurses gasped at my entrance but quickly approached me with a gurney, which I placed her on. There was so much blood I couldn't exactly tell where it all was coming from. I went to follow, but they stopped me. I was left helpless to watch her being taken away.

Rhett's mate Melissa appeared. She was speaking to me, but I must have been in shock because I didn't register any of it. She pulled me into a room where she pushed me into the bathroom to clean up. She laid a fresh set of clothes out for me before leaving to wait in the room. I looked in the mirror and noticed I looked like I just walked out of a horror movie covered in blood and naked from my shift. I quickly showered and got dressed.

Melissa sat with me in silence while we waited. I felt like a zombie. None of this could be real. It just couldn't. Just the day before, I was helping Claire with the finishing touches on our daughter's nursery. Why hadn't she just been home? Why didn't she make it to the safe room?

Suddenly, the doctor came in, and I flew out of my seat. I was briefly told Claire was going to have to have an emergency c-section and that the likelihood of her surviving this event was slim. The baby seemed to be in distress, but alright, if they got her out in time. I was suited up and rushed into another room filled with nurses and the doctor.

Claire looked so weak, and it broke my heart to see her in this state. Where had I been? I should have been there to protect my mate and unborn pup. I failed them both.

She smiled at me weakly and grabbed my hand as I sat in the small chair beside her head. Everything seemed to happen in a blur of events. The next thing I remembered was them announcing we had a daughter and laying her on Claire's chest where she held our newborn baby.

"She's perfect," Claire whispered, smiling down at our child. "Our little Cassidy Ann."

She lightly kissed the child's forehead, and then the nurse took her to check her vitals. Claire turned back to me, clutching my hand as tightly as she could manage.

"Promise me that you will take care of our baby girl." She begged in a hushed voice.

"Promise me," She repeated when I didn't answer her right away.

"We will both raise and take care of her," My eyes overflowed with tears as I knew she was letting go.

Claire smiled weakly at me. "I love you so much, Carson."

She faded away after that. Everything was a blur. A nurse took the baby to the nursery, and my heart died that day. My family said I became a shell of myself. I didn't go to trainings. I pulled away from everyone and was full of pain and anger that first year without Claire.

Rhett's mate Melissa helped me with Cassidy. Taking care of her as if she was her own. She couldn't have children, so Cassidy was as close as she could get. To this day, they have a special bond as Aunt and Niece. She was the one who gave me a tough talking to on Cassidy's first birthday. She told me I had to push through the pain and grief to be a father to my daughter, and of course, she was right. Claire wouldn't want me neglecting my duties as a father and would be disappointed in me.

I made a conscious decision to keep my promise to my mate and watch over our daughter. I put everything into being a dad and worked as a repairman and part-time contractor for the pack. I slowly started back as a warrior, but I refused the title of Gamma. Cassidy was everything to me, and I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Her safety came before anything else to me.

Now she was five years old, but my brother was still worried about me. Our father had passed on as well now, which only left us and our grandfather. Rhett was worried about how closed off I had become since losing Claire. He said I was barely making it through the motions of my life. He also thought I was becoming a helicopter dad and driving Cass nuts. He may be right, but he would never understand. He still had his mate.

Truthfully, he was getting on my nerves, and I just needed time away. I know Rhett and Melissa had helped me so much in my time of need after losing Claire. They both doted on Cassidy, but nothing would fix the fact that she would never have her mother here to watch her grow up. Nothing could fix my broken heart or fill this aching hole in my chest. They just couldn't understand.

I took Cassidy to my grandfather's house where our Papaw was beyond happy to have us, and I needed to get some space from my brother. Papaw almost never had visitors this far out, and he immediately agreed when I had called him. His farm was on the outskirts of the pack land closest to the small human town.

Cass and I left to head that way in the wee hours of the morning, and to get out to his place, I had to pass by the old cottage. Driving by, I noticed someone was living there. I was shocked. Who had he let move in? Did Rhett know? The cottage was still on pack lands, so not just anyone could move in there. I sped up towards the farmhouse. I needed some answers suddenly.