Just a Pen & Paper

2. just a mistake

ftr: 1.23.2021 [11:53 pm, pennsylvania]

2 - JUST A MISTAKE

mis·take • something, especially a word, figure, or fact, which is not correct; an inaccuracy.

/məˈstāk/ | noun

"When I make a mistake, I know it. I feel it. I tear myself apart. I lose sleep. I don't stop thinking about it. So when I say sorry, know that I mean it. I'm my own toughest critic." - Unknown 

[it breaks my heart how so much of us can relate.]

*

Anger. Luna could feel the anger building up in her throat ━ she had swallowed down the lump of anger she was feeling after Deryck lunged in her direction and punched her. But it rose again ━ hot like a roaring inferno and ready to be released, yet she didn't have anything cool to put it out. So it grew within the pit of her stomach, hotter than a thousand flames ━ but it was too hot to continue to be contained within her stomach. So she unleashed it ━ that heat transferred into her fists as she threw punches hot and quick.

     Throughout the process of her relieving the fire that always resided in her stomach, Deryck continuously groaned from one punch after another ━ regretful that he caused himself to be the victim of her wrath.

     "Break it up! Stop fighting!" Atlas was screaming with a soon hoarse voice while trying to pry Luna off of Deryck. "Don't! Stop it!"

     Suddenly the voice of the person who'd caused the door to creak when they opened it ━ spoke. "Break it up? It's not even a fight, it's just a one-sided attack. It's funny how he flinches when she throws a punch, even when he supposedly unconscious." He was trying to stifle a laugh ━ glad someone had put Deryck in his place.

          Luna started to come down from her high of adrenaline, it had felt like she was on top of the world. No longer fueled by the courage hormone ━ her knuckles began to throb and sting from the bruises and splits on impact. She also had a cut, along with a mouth full of blood and a permanent sting that was sure to bruise ━ result of Deryck's initial punch. While Deryck was knocked unconscious, she also suffered from pain as a result. When it came to fighting, it's a double-edged sword, where according to the situation ━ someone will get impaled, even if both of them end up dead. 

Once Luna was aware of her surroundings, she looked to the guy who'd previously spoken. He had pale skin with a blonde fauxhawk, blue eyes, and pearly white teeth. His fit-build gave evidence that he took exercising seriously.

     "Shut up, Leo. Now I have to call 911, again." Atlas wasn't completely freaked out in this case due to his unfortunate amount of experience ━ he'd had members who didn't stay around long for reasons like blowing up and not wanting to come back. Deryck always got the heat because he always had a match in hand ━ ready to light the fire within anyone's stomach, the one that is supposed to lay dormant.

      Leo responded with wheezes and snickers in between ━ while Atlas dialed the emergency number. "He had it coming for him. Maybe after her plastic surgery on him, he'll stop looking like a goat on crack." Atlas didn't flip out too much because he too agreed that Deryck needed to be knocked down a peg or two. He didn't know how to do it, and he didn't like Luna's method ━ but beggars can't be chooser. 

     Luna tried to use the conversation that had distracted Atlas and Deryck, to get over to her seat discreetly. But there wasn't any way that the others wouldn't be watching her cautiously, especially after she knocked out Deryck, the group's most infuriating clown.

     "Where's Grayson?" Atlas asked after getting of the phone with the emergency service that was on their way. He planned to tell them that it was a case of self defense, because it was ━ though they were probably tired of the calls he made for Deryck.

     "I don't know, why'd you ask me." Leo was genuinely curious, everyone always expected that he'd know where Grayson was.

     "I thought you'd know, seeing you always follow him around like a leech." Atlas had a smirk forming on his face, eyes full of amusement. 

     "Takes one to know one." Leo mumbled feeling a bit affected by Atlas's comment.

          Eventually, the ambulance came and took Deryck away ━ Atlas following along with him. Everyone else was left to relish in the awkward silence. Eyes wandered and quickly tried to return to themselves before being caught by other eyes ━ failing. Some people shifted uncomfortably in their seats while others rubbed their clammy palms. So it's understandable that everyone praised Leo when he broke the quietude. Everyone except Luna.

     "So, my name is━" Leo started but was intentionally interrupted by Luna.

     "Can you shut up? They don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. You have a headache." Luna just pointed at some random member she didn't know.

     "I do? I guess I do━" That same rando began, but was cut off by Luna.

     "Shut up, didn't ask. Let's call it a day. Unfortunately, I'll be seeing y'all tomorrow." Luna dismissed herself just like that ━ before walking out of the room, giving the door a good slam.

     "Anger problems much?" Leo put his hands up in surrender at the now absent Luna.

*

Luna had to take a bus home, seeing that the therapy center wasn't walking distance from her house either. On the way home, she didn't feel anything. All the remnants of her anger and adrenaline were ━ gone. She was created with feelings and emotions, yet she just couldn't bring herself to feel. Empty. Living a life as an empty container. Sometimes she wanted to feel ━ but other times she didn't. But then again, whenever you're happy, there's a weight that is felt ━ and by expressing your happiness, weight is gradually relieved. So, Luna wasn't empty, but because she didn't feel that weight anymore ━ as though it was weightless, empty; though that wasn't the case. She was illuded that she was empty, when in actual fact ━ she was just constantly filled with other feelings, ones she wasn't yet ready to admit.

Luna reached after walking to her house in thought.

     "Lulu, you're home." Her mom came in drying her damp hands with a cloth towel. 

     "It went absolutely fine." Luna lied while trying to bite back the sarcasm in her voice (not really).

     "Gracia divina. ¡Tu cara! (Goodness gracious. Your face.)" She gasped before running her gaze over Luna's hands. "¡Tus manos!" She began to screech in a high pitch.

Luna's mom, Ximena, was feel a tinge of regret. But then she became upset with Luna ━ face hardening as she dragged her up the staircase to treat her cuts and bruises. She was going to make Luna tell her dad, and see what he thought. Hopefully they'd be on the same page about this.

*

     "Wanna tell your dad what happened?" Luna's mom asked her (more like commanded) ━ though it was low-key a command to TELL HIM. I'd have preferred she let it go. Plus, the only way she knew is because she used torture methods (hitting and smacking) to get it out.

     "Well I got into a fight. But it was self-defense ━ some of them have too many problems for others. One of the members punched me after we threw some words around, so I threw him around." Luna shrugged ━ without any energy for the lecture she was sure would be coming soon.

     "Why? Luna, we talked about this." His voice was stern ━ while wishing they hadn't told him, because he felt that ruined his day.

          "It was self-defense!"

          "Couldn't you have controlled it?"

     "I'm not perfect! It was just a mistake. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. You know, I'm not the kind of person to let someone push me around like that." Luna was hot ━ that fire was beginning to roar inside of her once again, this time, her parents held the match in-hand. "I'm in a THERAPY GROUP. I have issues, and you know it. Why else would you put me in there?" 

Luna was trying to stay respectful and check herself ━ because if she didn't, her parents would with a shoe or something worse.

     "You should try. Don't use your problems as an excuse." Her dad, Rafael, unfortunately, didn't realize the weight  or power of his words, and didn't know the situation enough to make good judgment, nor did it seem like he cared ━ like many other people.

     "Oh, you don't want to talk now?" He taunted. Luna bit her tongue as a smart remark almost slipped out, she knew that if she defended herself it'd be considered talking back. She got heat for defending herself against Deryck ━ so she couldn't expect less.

She let him lectureant to his content with her mom taking turns in between, nodding to the occasional 'are-you-listenings' ━ without really listening. Times like these ━ she zoned out. In a situation where she wasn't in control, she tried to remove herself from it.

     "¿No ves que lo estoy intentando? ¿Por qué no pueden verlo, chicos? ¿No soy lo suficientemente bueno? Buenos noches. (Can't you see I'm trying? Why can't you guys see it? Am I not good enough? Goodnight.)" Her voice began to c***k and she was showing more vulnerability than she was comfortable with (she wasn't comfortable with it at all).

     She ran upstairs ━ hoping her parents would pardon her for not doing her chores and walking away. It's frustrating... but I put myself through this. Maybe if I... She stopped herself from thinking suicidal thoughts before they even started. It hurt her when she was in a suicidal mood ━ but she did it anyway. Maybe because it made her feel something other than the ones she was always feeling. In a world of dulled down and limited feelings, she was desperate to be human, normal, she grew up knowing that feelings made you human... so what if you don't have feelings? Luna wasn't keen on finding out, so she'd take any feelings she could get gratefully. Perhaps she thought bad things because they made her feel something, or maybe because she didn't want to feel something.

*

There was a pin-drop silence amongst them. Everyone was sitting in a circle ━ shifting uncomfortably, everyone except Deryck. Luna was happy he wasn't there to pull any crap like the last time, she knew he'd come back with a shattered pride and would pipe down ━ and that thought made hers grow even bigger and more satisfied.

     "Okay guys!" Atlas clasped his hand in excitement before continuing. "Too bad Grayson doesn't to want to join us. But it's nice to see you back Luna." He was sad about Grayson but his excitement returned when glancing towards Luna. Didn't have much a choice anyway. So Luna only shrugged.

     Ramsha flashed a smile containing never-ending excitement towards Luna. "Oh em geezies! I'm so happy you didn't leave us. We had someone we liked, but he left. But now we have you!" She took a deep breath before continuing to deliver her speech ━ like a social butterfly eager to share about themselves. "Oh no! I shouldn't say that, sounds like you're replacing him. Oh but you're not! Sorry, Caleb, if you can hear me. Sorry Luna. Let's exchange numbers." Let's not? But Ramsha whipped out her phone ━ because she couldn't read Luna's thoughts.

         Ramsha gave her a pleading expression ━ to which she gave in so that Ramsha could get away sooner. Right as she was pulling her phone out, another guy she hadn't seen before walked in. He had a curly jet-black bald-fade, emerald-green jewels as eyes, high cheekbones, black thickly-arched eyebrows, plump lips, and an athletic build. His outfit consisted of a black-denim jacket, black-ripped jeans, a white t-shirt, and black timberlands. Seems he exercises for a living. Slightly intimidating. 

     After Atlas turned to look at who walked in the door ━ his face turned sour yet sorrowful. "Nice of you to join us. Grayson."

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+2062

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Tired.