Valeria

6 Consuelo

Luck. The phenomenon brought by chance to deliver success of an improbable event.

Since the beginning of time, people used it as a defense against uncertainty. The strong belief that the wind might change according to their favors because of it. Luck. For a long time, I considered myself as one of those people. I believed in luck and its effect in my life.

Hindi ako katulad ni Kuya Carlo na marunong lumangoy kung masyadong malakas ang mga alon. Hindi rin ako kagaya ni Kuya Ilay na mabilis humanap ng lugar na lilikasan sa gitna ng isang sakuna. When the tides grew high for me, I simply chose to stand there and brace myself. I depended on luck and where it would take me. But I would only stand there and plant my two feet on the ground until it moved itself. Because I believed in luck.

Nang namatay ang mga magulang ko ay ganoon din ang aking ginawa. Ako ang naiwan sa Sorsogon sa aming tatlong magkakapatid. I held on for as long as I could until luck delivered me a boy who helped me outstood the storm. That same luck had been dropping gifts occasionally throughout the years that we’ve been together. I depended myself on it, not knowing I was losing myself each day. So, the moment it got tired of me, luck, I didn’t know what to do.

It took me that long to realize that it wasn’t really luck. What brought me here wasn’t my own doing either. It was my faith in the unknown. My resilience. But just as it took me that far, it brought me this low. Faith wasn’t always enough. Resilience wasn’t always the key.

Sometimes you need to run to go even further. To take that jump. To fly. Sometimes you need change yourself and accept that life wasn’t just a straight line. That life has a life of its own. And it didn’t depend on luck.

By the time I realized it, it was already too late. I was stuck with myself. Hindi ko alam kung paanong lalakad dahil nabulag na ang aking mga mata. Tanging inaalala ko na lamang ay kung paanong magmamahal dahil namatay na ang aking puso. I was so lost and not even Beatus could come find me.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay naglagi lang ako sa loob ng kwarto. Bababa lang ako sa tuwing kakain ng dinner kung kailan kasama si Beatus. I couldn’t seem to eat whenever he’s not around. He was very persuasive when it came to meals.

“I can’t wait to get out of this. I want to work,” I grumbled as we ate breakfast.

It was a weekend that day so he decided to spend it with me.

“Work can wait. You need to heal first.” Sumubo ito ng kanin.

“It’s not just about work, you know? It’s this goddamn house. Bakit ba natin ito binili?”

Napansin man ni Beatus ang pag-iiba ng tono ng aking boses ay hindi ito nagpahatala. Umayos lamang ito ng upo ngunit ebidente ang pagbagal ng pagnguya.

“It was you who chose this. You liked this house so much that you bought it at first sight.” He casually sipped from his coffee cup.

Tumigil ang aking mga kamay na hawak ang mga kubyertos. “Well, I don’t like it anymore. It’s too small. I want to live in something bigger. Somewhere quieter.”

“You want to go home, is that it? You want to go to Sorsogon?”

Hindi ako kumibo. I refused to meet his gaze so I resumed eating instead even if Aling Nenita’s cooking tasted like ashes on my tastebuds.

Through the nearby window, I saw a black bird perch itself on our white picket fence. It wasn’t until it another bird joined that I actually realized that it was a crow. The two of them cawed before flying into the horizon.

That morning, my husband and I drank our coffee and pretended we didn’t know each other.

Buong weekend ay nasa bahay lang si Beatus. If I was being too honest with myself, I would admit that I didn’t know what to say to him. I was so accustomed of being all alone in the bedroom with nothing but my thoughts that seeing him there, working or sleeping, made me crave my own private space.

It seemed like he, too, didn’t know what to say to me. Everything became awkward between us without us admitting it both. Nakabibingi ang katahimikang bumalot sa aming dalawa sa loob ng mahigit na bente-kwatro oras na magkasama kami.

Even in our sleep, we were facing the opposite sides. I didn’t know how it started but there was an invisible wall between us.

Ano bang dapat kong sabihin sa kaniya? Ano rin bang dapat kong asahang sasabihin niya sa akin?

For the first time since the last ten years that I loved him, I didn’t even know how to start a conversation with him, and something told me that the feeling was mutual.

Was this how marriage usually work? Was this the real, untold way of marriage?

Kinabukasan ay nakaabang kaagad sa akin si Aling Nenita. I was climbing down the stairs when I saw the top of her head in the kitchen. Nagulat pa ako dahil nakalimutang pina-stay in nga pala namin ang dalawang kasambahay.

It was funny because we hired Aling Nenita and her nephew to assist us during my pregnancy. They were brought back in our estate in Sorsogon once again when I had a miscarriage because they’d have no reason in staying here in Manila. I never thought that we’d rehire them for its opposite reason. Kailangan pa rin pala nila akong alagaan kahit wala na ang bata sa loob ng tiyan ko.

For some reasons, I felt slightly conscious. Having a helper with me didn’t relieve me a bit. Seeing them both inside our house first thing in the morning kind of disarmed me.

“Gising na pala si Mam–” Aling Nenita’s crooked smile faded away upon seeing me climbing down the stairs. “Naku! Mam! Nasaan ang mga saklay ninyo? Bilin ho ni Sir Beatus na lagi kayong aalalayan e!”

Iniwan nito ang minamandong kaserola sa kusina upang daluhan ako sa dulo ng mga baitang. Pumaswit ito kay Hanz na abalang nagdidilig sa labas. Silang dalawa ang umakay sa akin patungong dining room.

“Aling Nenita, I’m fine. Gusto kong makalakad na nang diretso para makapasok na ako sa opisina…” Umiling ako nang maupo.

“Kagagaling mo pa lang ng ospital, Mam Sol. Baka naman mabinat ka niyan?” Tumalikod ito sa akin upang puntahan ang iniwang niluluto.

“What am I supposed to do then?” I whispered to myself.

The smell of crispy bacon and burned toast wafted through the air. My stomach grumbled but when Aling Nenita came back and presented me my meal, my appetite didn’t bite back.

“Kain na, mam,” ngisi ni Aling Nenita.

I nodded and reached for the utensils. I still had trouble doing so because of my bad arm. Hindi nakatutulong ang dalawang pares ng mga matang nakatingin sa akin na para bang isa akong embalido. Most of all, the pity looks they threw at my way, I found it all rude.

Yes, I lost my kid. I am not the same as I was the last time you’ve seen me.

Those were the words I wanted to say to the both of them but I decided against it.

Bago ko pa man maayos ang sariling pagkain ay tumingala na si Aling Nenita. “Sakto ang dating ninyo, Ser! Ipaghahain ko na kayo para sabay na kayong dalawa ni Mam!”

I tried to look over my shoulder as best as I could without it being harmed. Suot ko pa rin ang sling na sumusuporta rito. My eyes slightly caught Beatus going down the stairs. Nakasunod lamang ang tingin ko sa kaniya nang pumasok sa dining room at umupo sa aking tapat.

“Morning…” His brows slightly rose as he flopped down on the chair.

To fill the hanging silence, I hummed but I didn’t really want to talk.

I looked at his typical office attire. White dress shirt, suit jacket, slacks, and black shoes. His slicked back hair looked gorgeous in the morning, framing his heart-shaped face. Suminghot ako. Bukod sa aming ulam ay naamoy ko ang kaniyang mabangong aftershave.

“Thank you,” aniya nang lapagan ni Aling Nenita ng pinggan.

He then prepared his table napkin along with his utensils.

“Kape po,” dagdag pa ni Aling Nenita na kaniyang tinanguan.

My fingers were lightly tapping on the wooden table. We bought it last year before we moved here. We decided its dark colors suited the interior of our modern two-storey house.

Out of the corner of my eyes, Hanz stood by the doorframe where the kitchen and the dining room joined. Doon siya naiwan pagkatapos akong tulungan kanina. Ngayon ay tulala na sa aming mag-asawa.

If I were him, I’d be hella shocked too.

Just why?

“Kape, Sol?” Nag-angat ng tingin sa akin si Beatus.

Bubuksan pa lamang niya ang hawak na artikulo nang mapansin ang aking tingin. He sipped from his coffee, frowning at me as he did so.

“What’s the problem?” Binaba niya ang tasa at ako naman ang kaniyang pinakatitigan.

Instead of answering, I dropped my gaze on my plate. Nagsimula na akong kumain. For a while, Beatus had kept a keen eye on me until he too joined breakfast. Wala nang nagsalita sa mga sumunod na minuto.

Pagkatapos ng umagahan ay muntik ko pang hugasan ang mga pinggan. It was my job after all because Beatus was the one who always cooks since he was a morning person.

“Ako na niyan, mam,” ngisi sa akin ni Aling Nenita.

I had to force myself to nod and watch her do my job. It was hard not to comment on her pity looks.

Ilang minuto pa ay nagpaalam na rin si Beatus, his briefcase and coat in hand. Inalalayan ako nito patungong garahe upang hayaan akong maihatid siya ng tingin kahit hanggang sa labas lang. It might be the first time I did so after a few weeks of just staying inside our bedroom.

“Don’t stress out yourself too much. I know you, Sol. I know this is hard but we’ll get through this, okay?” Humalik si Beatus sa aking noo.

“Sure.” Sumimple lamang ako ng tango.

He smiled at me a bit, showing me his cute dimples that was one of the many things that got him my attention when we were still in high school. Sinubukan kong ngumiti at kumaway gamit ang maayos na kamay. Habang paalis ang kaniyang kotse sa garahe ay nakatanaw lamang ako. I guessed that wasn’t so bad for a Monday morning.

“Mam, naiwan kayo?” Sumilip si Hanz mula sa hardin.

Tearing my gaze off of the empty driveway, I sighed and turned to the half of his face peeking. “Dito muna ako sa bahay hanggang sa gumaling na ako. Hindi ko pa kayang magtrabaho e.”

“Ahh…” Tumango-tango lang ang binata.

For the next three days, that was our routine. Sa umaga ay gigising akong naliligo na si Beatus. Susubukan kong banatin ang mga paa kahit na paika-ika sa loob ng bahay. Then we’d have breakfast before he’d even see me forcing myself. We would eat in silence, and soon after, I’d accompany him to the garage to see him off to work.

My afternoons weren’t much preoccupied as I was forbidden to do even the trivial tasks. Nanonood lang ako ng TV o hindi kaya ay pina-practice na naman ang kaliwang paang naapektuhan din dahil sa pagkakabangga. Minsan ay inaagawan ko si Hanz sa pagdidilig dahil parang mababaliw na ako kung buong hapon akong magmumukmok sa loob ng kwarto.

But the point was, my mornings were the highlights of my days. Or maybe because that was the time when I get to interact with Beatus since he was mostly going home late at night. Ayos lang naman iyon sa akin dahil ganoong oras talaga kami umuuwing mag-asawa dahil sa trabaho. Pero ang punto ko lang ay ang aking mga umaga and it wasn’t because of the awkwardness between us.

“You’re hardly eating your food,” puna ni Beatus kahit pa ang mga mata ay nakapako sa artikulong binabasa.

I knew that because I was purposely doing so.

Gamit ang tinidor ay tinulak ko ang ilang butil ng kanin sa pinggan. Ilang segundo pa ay sumarado ang diyaryong hawak ng asawa ko. My eyes remained glued at the spot on top of the table although out of the corner of my eyes, I was observing how my husband casually leaned back on his chair and scooped some rice.

“Ayaw mo ba ng ulam?” Beatus tried again. “Aling Nenita, paki-buksan po ang delata–”

I looked up at him, meeting his gaze halfway. Beatus pursed his lips. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger.

“Ano po iyon, Sir Beatus?” Sumilip si Aling Nenita galing sa kusina.

I briefly looked at our helper. Beatus seemed to completely forget about her because his eyes were all on me.

“What’s the problem, hmm? Come on, let’s deal with it already. Ilang araw ka nang ganito, Sol. May problema ba sa pagkain? May iba ka bang gusto? Ano?” Humalukipkip ang asawa ko.

I let a few seconds of silence between us pass. Naghintay ako ng kung ano mula kay Beatus ngunit hindi iyon dumating. I only got disappointed. Padarag kong ibinagsak ang mga kubyertos sa ibabaw ng aking plato. Aling Nenita was about to enter the dining room but decided against it, carefully blending in with the walls and dragging her curious nephew away.

Dumiretso ng upo si Beatus at pinako ang tingin sa akin. His eyes were now alert and his unparalleled attention was all mine.

“Can you say that again?” I felt like something in me just snapped.

Kumunot ang noo ng asawa ko. Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na hininga.

“What are you on about?” he asked critically.

“Are you asking me that, Beatus? Really? Naririnig mo ba ang mga pinagsasasabi mo?” maanghang kong asik.

“Sol, I’m just asking you. What is wrong with that?” His voice remained calm. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? Everything, Beatus. Everything! And you’re just sitting there in front of me, eating your goddamn breakfast. Sarap na sarap kang kinakain ang umagahan mo samantalang ako ay nagluluksa pa rin. You know what? Everything is f*****g wrong with you too!” My voice went higher.

Inunat ni Beatus ang braso sa ibabaw ng aming lamesa. He fixed his gaze on the countertop, his tongue reaching out to smoothly swipe his bottom lip. He gave me a full minute before he turned to me with the same intensity my eyes were giving off. Nanginig ang aking mga palad.

“Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko? Gusto mo ba akong umiyak sa harapan mo? Gusto mo bang nasa tabi mo lang ako palagi at hindi na magtrabaho? You want my world to stop too? Is that it, Sol?” he fired.

“No! I’m simply asking you to sympathize with me. To at least look like you’re mourning for your child…” Papahina ang aking nanggigigil na boses.

“I am mourning, Sol,” matigas niyang bawi.

“Sure doesn’t look like it.”

Sa gilid ng bintana ay nasulyapan kong sumisilip si Hanz. Hindi ko ito pinansin at hinarap lamang ang asawa na binitawan na rin ang hawak na mga kubyertos. Beatus stood up abruptly that the table slightly shook. Akala ko ay matutumba ang isang baso at mababasag sa sahig.

“What do you want me to f*****g do, huh? Do you want me kneel in front of you and cry my heart out?” Nilahad niya ang isang braso.

“Oh, I don’t know, Beatus! Maybe visit Apollo’s room or light a candle or two! You’re always out. You don’t even ask me how the f**k I am doing. Aalis ka lang tapos ay babalik ka. Ano ba ang iniwan mo sa loob ng bahay natin? Aso?” I shouted back. “Your wife lost your kid! At least say something sensible!”

“I can’t, Sol! Do you know why?” Sinapo ni Beatus ang noo. “Because I don’t know how! Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong gawin. Nawalan din ako. Nasasaktan din ako. And I don’t know how to deal this s**t. I wake up each morning and that’s the first thing that comes in my mind. And then I hear you crying so I don’t know what to f*****g do first!”

My lips trembled. Buong-buo pa rin ang galit sa aking sistema ngunit bahagya itong humupa habang pinakikinggan ang kalituhan sa boses ng lalaking aking pinakasalan.

“You must be thinking that the burden is only yours to carry. It is mine too. Nawalan din ako ng anak.” Sinapo nito ang noo at marahas na sinuklay ang buhok. “Nawalan tayo ng anak, Sol. I get it. But we need to accept it. I am mourning, my love, I am. And every day when I walk out the door, I make sure to leave my all feelings behind otherwise it’ll mess up with my head. Business goes down and that will leave you and your whims in piles of s**t. We can’t afford that to happen, can we?”

Napalunok ako. Tinalunton ng aking mga mata ang kaniyang kamay na matigas pa ring nakalahad patungo sa direksyon ng aming front door. His forefinger was pointing specifically at it.

“You’re unbelievable…” Umiwas ako ng tingin.

Beatus said nothing further but he shook his head before turning around.

“Saan ka pupunta?” maanghang kong tanong.

He looked over his shoulder. I was able to see a glimpse of his bloodshot eyes. “Papasok na ako sa trabaho. Nawalan na ako ng gana kumain.”

I looked down on my plate. My heartbeats were still at my throat.

“Beatus,” tawag ko.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me.

“Mag-iingat ka sa pagmamaneho…” I gave a slight nod before looking away.

Wala itong sinabi at tuluyan nang umalis.