Valeria

7 Consuelo

Pagkatapos ng halos dalawang linggong pamamahinga sa bahay ay nakumbinsi ko rin si Beatus na payagan na akong pumasok. Sa tingin ko ay mas lalo akong hindi gagaling kung hindi magtatrabaho. Every day was torture for me because I had nothing else to do.

Before I got pregnant, heck, before I even got married, I usually hustled and bustled my way throughout my days so keeping me inside the four walls of our house was like caging a lion in a bee hive.

Gumaling na halos ang aking mga galos ngunit natira ang cast sa aking braso. Siguro ay sa susunod na linggo iyon tatanggalin. Paminsan-minsan din ay gumagamit pa rin ako ng crutches kung masyadong nailalakad ang mga paa ngunit sa iilang mga pagkakataon din ay hinahayaan kong matuto ang mga binting makapaglakad muli.

It was the first time I went out of the house that day dressed in my usual corporate attire. I wore a white pantsuit partnered with an open front blazer, Manolo pumps, and a Hermes bag.

At seven o’clock in the morning, the sun was shining quite brightly but not too much that my skin prickled. Although it did, just not for that reason.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa isang matandang kapitbahay, roughly around the age of sixty, biyuda. She was watering her wild Chrysanthemums on her porch but her wrinkly eyes were fixated on me. Naapektuhan man ang katawan ko dahil sa aksidente ngunit hindi ang aking mga mata. I could perfectly see the pity in the old widow’s eyes as she stood there, holding her sprinkler bucket.

“Good morning, Mrs. Richardson...” I subtly greeted, trying to keep away my frowns.

Walang sinabi ang matanda bukod sa pagtango. I gathered my breath and cleared my throat. Akala ko ay magtatapos sa kaniya ngunit ang ilan pang mga kapitbahay na naparaan ay sinundan ako ng mga tingin.

I thanked the heavens when my hands finally found my car keys. Binunot ko iyon palabas at kaagad na pinatunog ang kotse. I took one last glance at my entire neighborhood watching me before I got in. Napailing na lang ako. Soon, I was speeding away from that godawful street.

Within the two weeks that passed, Beatus tried to be more affectionate. Actually, when I thought about it, he became friendly. Hindi na namin pinag-usapan ang nangyaring away. Hindi ko na rin gustong pag-usapan pa although I slightly felt guilty after he left that day. I became so obsessed with my loneliness that I somehow blamed him for it. That wasn’t fair in his part. I should have considered that he was also mourning in his own way.

Pero hindi ibig sabihing hindi naming pinag-usapan ay wala kaming ginawa upang maayos iyon. We knew each other for a very long time to know that we might have said those things out of our heightened emotions. Sa nagdaang dalawang linggo ay binago ni Beatus ang kaniyang mga kinikilos upang huwag na iyong maulit pa. Ako rin ay inintindi na may mga pagkakataong kailangan naming maging mapag-isa at hindi muna samahan ang isa’t isa.

Although we were moving inside our house quite differently. Parang may ilangan pa rin at ang pader sa pagitan naming dalawa ay hindi pa rin nagigiba. I didn’t know when or how did it happen. It just did. I guessed it would stay there for a bit because our loss was still premature. Hindi ko dapat pwersahin.

Trenta minutos lang ay nakarating na akong opisina. The moment I went through those glass doors, it felt like the entire lobby stopped. For some unknown reasons, it didn’t matter to me that my name was the one was written at the very top of the tall and dark building. Its floors felt strange to me. My very own people felt strange to me.

“G-Good morning, Madame Consuelo! Good morning!” Natauhan ang ilang employee at kaagad akong binati.

Iyon ang hudyat upang magpatuloy ulit ang oras na tumigil. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ng aking mga empleyado sa akin. The lobby of the Delgado main office resumed its chatters, the sound of several heels clicking here and there along with the various phones ringing. Walang tigil ang pagtaas-baba ng mga elevator.

“Good morning…” Pasimple akong tumango sa mga bumabati.

Each morning, it was just like this – hustling and bustling. Yet I couldn’t help but to feel that something was different. Like earlier in our neighborhood but much stronger. It felt like this very company wasn’t founded by my great grandfather decades ago. Like it wasn’t mine, and that morning was the very first time that I stepped in it. Everyone just stood there, watching me like I might trip or something.

Kahit pa ganoon, umiling na lamang ako at pumasok sa elevator.Upon seeing me grace the carpeted floors of our hallways, my long-time secretary, May, stood up, her eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Paki-daan na lang iyong schedule ko for today, May. Thank you...” Ngumiti akong tipid.

She was still unmoving. Tumango na lang ako sa kaniya at pumasok na sa aking opisina.

“M-Madame Consuelo? Kape po?” Her high-pitched voice echoed just as I was about to close the door.

“I’d like that,” tango ko.

Once inside, I was able to relax my shoulders. I was finally alone, and the fact that nothing changed inside my office was a relief. The white ivory walls were still bare, and the pale oak furniture remained untouched. The restful tone of its interior was what counteracted my tense office.

I could only admire its constancy for so long because when I sat down my swivel chair, it was like how I imagined: there was so much work to do. Hindi inasahan ng kumpanya ang aking pagbalik. May natira pa akong leave na dalawang linggo dahil pang isang buwan ang kinuha akong pamamahinga sana. But I couldn’t take another day inside our house. My mind would collapse doing nothing but stare at the wall for hours.

With just spending half of the day back in the corporate world, I already had three meetings done. My schedule was full until almost next week that my head was spinning. But I liked it. I liked working until my back ached. It was how I was raised, how us Delgado siblings were taught even at a young age. It was an unending habit and now, it seemed like it was my defense mechanism.

Katatapos ko lamang kumain ng tanghalian ng mga oras na iyon. Babalik na sana ako sa pagpirma ng ilang mga dokumento. Bago pa man dumikit ang tinta sa blankong espasyong naghihintay ay hindi sinasadyang nabitiwan ko ang ballpen.

“Shit...” Yumuko ako kaagad upang pulutin.

My hands were that close to the object but I wasn’t able to. My head was spinning fast. I closed my eyes as it attacked my senses. I felt nauseous in an instant.

After sometime, the room stopped spinning. Dahan-dahan akong sumandal sa swivel chair at sinapo ang aking noo. Sinubukan ko ulit pulutin ang ballpen ngunit nang pipirma na ay nagsimula namang manginig ang aking mga kamay. I cursed again and tried but my hand just wouldn’t cooperate.

Inis kong binagsak ang ballpen sa ibabaw ng desk. I released a shaky breath. Pagkatapos ay tinungko ko ang magkabilang siko at ibinaon ang mukha sa dalawang palad. My hands were still somehow shaking and its trembles reached my lips.

What was wrong with me?

I could already feel my throat closing up. The sides of my eyes were starting to heat up but before a breakdown forced its way into my system, the double doors of my office opened.

Mabilis akong nag-angat ng tingin. Binasa ko ang mga labi at nagpakawala ng isang malalim na hininga.

“Madame, si Sir Beatus po.” Sumungaw ang ulo ni May.

I waved my head and sighed again. Leaning back on my chair, I grabbed a tissue and wiped the cold sweat that dotted my forehead. Sakto ang pagpasok ng asawa ko.

“Hey.” I tried to sit up straight.

“I’m just checking in. Heard your schedule is already full?” Umupo si Beatus sa kaharap kong upuan.

Before nodding, I looked back at my secretary who was still watching curiously. Nang namataan ang aking tingin ay lumaki ang mga mata nito bago sinarado ang pintuan. Binalik ko ang tingin kay Beatus na may prinisintang mga plastic ng kung ano.

“I brought lunch,” ngisi niya.

“O-Oh. I already had mine earlier so...” Binasa ko ang mga labi.

Beatus’ smile fell from his face in an instant. Sinubukan niya itong itago sa pamamagitan ng pagtango ngunit basang-basa ko ang kaniyang mga mata.

“I texted you. Hindi mo ba nabasa?” He shifted in his seat.

My brows rose. Hinila ko ang drawer para bunutin ang cellphone. I cursed under my breath when I saw his texts and missed calls.

“Shoot. I’m sorry, Beatus. Hindi ko nabasa dahil marami akong ginagawa kanina. I’m really sorry...” Napangiwi ako nang lingunin si Beatus.

He just shrugged. “It’s fine. I understand that you have a lot of work to do. Sa bahay na lang tayo kumain mamayang dinner.”

“Yeah. That would be nice...” Sinubukan kong ngumiti.

He took that as his cue to leave. Tumango lamang ako ngunit ilang segundo rin ay may pinapasok si May.

“Beatus! Buti ay naabutan kita! I heard you dropped by so you might as well receive these.” Nova went inside my office.

Napatigil si Beatus sa paglalakad. Bahagyang sumayaw sa ere ang bibit niyang mga plastic bag. His eyes got focused on Nova before it dropped on the file that she was holding.

“Good afternoon, Sol! Hindi kita naabutan kaninang umaga. Still busy?” Kumaway sa akin ang aming kaibigan at katrabaho.

“I finished the board meetings first. Baka sa susunod na linggo na lang,” sagot ko.

“Oh. That’s fine. Beatus should come and represent you.” Nang makalapit sa asawa ko ay inabot niya ang mga files. Her almond-shaped eyes were trained on me but her hand shot up to lightly hold my husband’s arm. “You can do that. Right, Beatus?”

Tumingin sa akin ang asawa ko na para bang may kung anong hinihintay. Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Nova smiled at me before focusing her sole attention on my husband. I watched the two go, their heads already buried in the document Antonova Escobar brought. Naiwan ulit akong mag-isa sa loob ng opisina.

For a while, I tried to do some work. I thought it eased my brain. To just put it under operation so it wouldn’t eat itself. But as the minutes passed, I realized that my mind was longing to forget something that was why it needed the constant information. I wanted the distraction. I acted on it. But even as I did, my body remembered it.

Nagsimula na naman ang panginginig ng aking mga kamay. Mali-mali ang napipindot kong letra sa laptop. Hindi ko makilala ang sariling pirma. Bukas naman ang aircon ngunit tagaktak ang pawis ko sa noo. Inatake na naman ako ng pagkahilo.

That time, no May knocked on my door. No Beatus came inside bearing whatever food he was craving that morning. I was at the edge of insanity and nobody was there to help.

Tumayo ako kaagad upang makakuha sana ng tubig. Isang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa ko ay bumagsak na ako kaagad sa sahig. My lower limbs felt the impact and I cried out. Until it wasn’t just about my own two feet anymore. I was crying because I was in so much pain. It was there, tangible but silent. And I felt all of it.

Binaon ko ang mukha sa dalawang palad habang inaatake ng luha at sakit. I just felt so sad and lonely.

Akala ko ay wala nang katapusan iyon ngunit umahon ang aking mukha pagkalipas ng ilang minuto. Nadungisan ng itim na mascara ang aking puting blazer. Ang maayos kong pusod ay nagiba na rin.

With a heavy sigh, I pulled myself back up. It was only me could do it anyway.

“Madame Consuelo? Saan po kayo pupunta?” Halos mabali ang ulo ni May nang lampasan ko ito.

I only had to fix myself in the bathroom for five minutes before I went out. My heels clicked on our cold marble floor as I walked.

“Go home, May. Spend time with your family. You deserve it,” I ordered without looking back.

Siguro nga ay maaga pa para magtrabaho ako. The doctors might be right that I needed the two weeks of leave still. But they must have forgotten to tell me the part that it wasn’t my body that needed the healing. My mind was in a bad shape. Parang sirang plakang nag-iikot sa mundo ng aking mga memorya. But I doubt that two weeks of house arrest would do the trick. If that was the case then I would never go out of the house until I get better.

In which… I didn’t even know when. And most importantly how.

That afternoon, I went home but I didn’t rest like how I planned to. Nagulat din sina Aling Nenita at Hanz sa aking pagdating. I assured them that I was fine. Tuloy-tuloy ang lakad ko patungo sa second floor ng aming bahay. There was only one thing I wanted to do that afternoon. So, when I got inside that very specific location, I didn’t hesitate.

Ginala ko ang tingin sa dapat sanang magiging kwarto ni Apollo. Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan ko bago hinubad ang sapatos at blazer. Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakapusod ng buhok.

Una kong hinila palabas ay ang malaking kuna. Mabigat at matibay. Kagaya ng gusto naming mangyari nang ni-request ito sa kakilalang negosyante. Kinailangan kong baklasin ang ilang parte upang tuluyan kong mailabas.

Sumunod naman ay ang mga librong nakahilera sa pader. Pabalik-balik ako sa kwarto hanggang sa naubos ko ang mga libro. Bago ulit pumasok sa loob ay dumampot ako ng malaking supot upang doon isilid ang mga biniling laruan.

“M-Mam? Ano pong ginagawa ninyo?” Sumilip si Aling Nenita mula sa hagdan.

I wiped the drop of sweat dangling on my brow. “Naglilinis po. Ilan na nga ang apo ninyo ni Manong Poldo?”

“Ah, eh. Tatlo. Naalala mo pa iyon?”

Tumango ako at mabilis na dinampot ang malaking supot na naglalaman ng mga laruan. It was mostly stuffed toys anyway so I hoped that her grandchildren were still around the age that plays with it.

“Dalhin ninyo ho ito pagbalik ninyo ng Sorsogon. Mga laruan po iyan dapat ni Apollo. Sayang naman kung itatambak lang namin dito sa loob.” Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at sinubukang ayusin ang mga libro sa loob ng kahon.

I was thinking if I should donate them in the charity or just leave them outside the house for the garbage to collect.

“Naku, Sol! Ang dami naman nito!” Inalog ni Aling Nenita ang mga laruan.

Tumango lamang ako habang nag-aayos sa lapag. Tuluyang pumasok ang kasambahay sa loob ng kwarto. She helped me keep most of the things in a box. I wasn’t entirely sure where to put them. Kalaunan ay si Hanz naman ang pumanhik para ibaba ang kuna sa labas. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan iyon ilalagay.

By the time we were almost finished, the sun had already gone down. Aling Nenita had to cook for supper, leaving me alone in the nearly empty room. All that was left were the furniture and a few picture frames.

Nanatili akong nakasalampak sa sahig. Ibang-iba na ang itsura ng kwarto kumpara sa itsura nito noong pumasok ako. But it wasn’t exactly the first time I had seen it like that. Beatus and I arranged this very room after all. And this was how exactly it looked when we first knew that I was pregnant. Walang laman. Pintura lang at iilang mga pangarap.

My eyes landed on the top of a box where a small piece of paper sat. The black canvas looked extremely familiar that I knew what it was at first glance. Kinuha ko ang pinaka-unang sonogram ni Apollo at pinakatitigan sa ilalim ng ilaw.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my fingertips tracing the small oval. “I’m very sorry, Apollo. Please forgive Mommy…”

Soon, I was spiraling down once again in my own world of heartaches. I couldn’t seem to get out of it no matter how many steps I took here in the real world. Sometimes it was there. Sometimes it wasn’t. But it was soon becoming the pulse which I wake up to each morning. And it didn’t terrify me because I believed that it was my punishment. I deserved to feel all this.

Yakap-yakap ko ang sonogram habang walang tigil ang mga luha. Paulit-ulit akong humihingi ng tawad sa kawalan. Hindi maubos-ubos ang aking mga pag-iyak at kung sa ganoong paraan ako hahatakin ng kabilang mundo ay hindi ako magrereklamo. Gusto ko na lang matapos ang lahat at sundan si Apollo.

The door busted open but my vision was too blurry with tears. Even with someone in the room, I couldn’t seem to stop it.

“Sol! Sol, it’s me!” Kuya Carlo’s voice entered my ears.

Lumuhod ito sa sahig. The next thing I knew, he was hugging me to his chest as I cried my heart out. Hinayaan ko ang sariling makita niya ako sa ganoong paraan. It might be the first time he did because they were all gone when our parents died. When I faced it all alone.

“It’s all my fault, Kuya! I lost Mama and Papa. Now, I lost her too! My Apollo! It’s my fault…” I sobbed on his neck.

My hands were pushing and pulling his face away. Mas lalong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin.

“You need to stop blaming yourself with all their deaths. They’re all dead now, Sol. They’re just a pile of bodies and you need to let them go. You need to let everybody go. You have to stay on your own two feet and it doesn’t matter if you’re down low. But you need to let them all go.”