Valeria

8 Consuelo

At five o’clock in the morning, I was already up and literally running. Naka-ilang ikot na ako sa aming subdivision. Bukas na ang mga light post at may mga kapitbahay na rin akong kasabay mag-ehersisyo. For five days straight, running had been a part of my morning routine.

Ever since I figured that my mind wouldn’t shut up, I had been looking for possible remedies. Libra was the first one to give me an advice and it worked. Sa una ay naglalakad lang ako para ilagay sa kundisyon ang mga binti kong ilang linggong hindi rin halos nagamit. Kalaunan ay tumakbo rin ako. Aside from working with my lower limbs, my mind loved the adrenaline when I was running.

Pagkaraan ng aking ikatlong ikot ay paakyat na ang araw. Hues of blues rained down on the street, reaching every narrow corner and high ground. It was just in time that I reached our block.

Nagrereklamo ang mga binti ko nang unti-unting bumagal ang aking pagtakbo. Yumuko ako at tinungkod ang mga siko sa magkabilang tuhod. I manipulated my watch and took my ear pods off. The sky was turning bright blue, wiping out any star that might have survived the sunlight. Pumasok na rin ako sa loob.

Sa maliit na panahong lumipas ay maraming nagbago sa routine naming mag-asawa. Dati ay tulog pa ako sa mga ganitong oras habang si Beatus ay nagluluto na ng umagahan. Kung minsan, kapag may leftovers ay ipagbabaon niya ako ng lunch dahil alam niyang mapili ako sa pagkain. Pagkatapos naman ng breakfast, ang tanging meal na may kasiguraduhang magkabasay kaming dalawa, ay magkakaniya-kaniya na kami.

It would be a miracle if Beatus and I would have lunch together as we worked from different companies. He was still seated in Santa Romana’s construction firm while I assumed a high position in the Delgado Holdings. The two companies weren’t rivals but they weren’t exactly allies either. Sometimes we worked together. And sometimes not.

After the tedious battle at work, dinner still wasn’t as intimate as breakfast. Pagod kaming dalawa galing ng trabaho kaya bagsak lagi sa kama. Minsan ay sabay kumain ngunit madalas ay hindi. I had grown used to that routine that I tasted a breath of fresh air when I took a pause.

With Aling Nenita and Hanz around, our routine now solely revolved around being busy. No breakfasts, no Sunday Service, and no date nights. We were forcing ourselves to get so busy to take the edge off the fact that our marriage was facing a huge transition.

“Have you seen my phone?” Sumilip si Beatus sa loob ng walk-in closet pagkatapos kong maligo.

Wordless, I shook my head as I was more focused on putting lotion on my bare thighs. Umalis si Beatus ngunit narinig ko ang paghahalughog niya sa mga tukador. Meanwhile, I was eyeing my beige ensemble that I would wear later for work.

“Sol! Have you seen my phone? Sol–Consuelo!” he called.

Inaayos ko ang strap ng bra nang muling pumasok si Beatus. Dire-diretso ito sa kaniyang mga cabinet at isa-isang binuksan. I flinched a bit because he was being too careless.

“Have you seen my phone? I forgot where I left it last night,” tanong niyang habang naghahalughog.

Ngumiwi ako. He already asked me that. Baka naman hindi niya nakita ang senyas ko?

“Hindi ko napansin. Baka iniwan mo sa kusina.” Humarap ulit ako sa malaking salamin at inayos ang garter belt.

Hindi ako nito pinansin at ang mga cabinet ko naman ang pinagdiskitahan. He was rummaging around with his necktie hanging loose around his neck.

“Magtatanong ka tapos hindi ka makikinig. At bakit naman sa cabinet ko mapupunta ang telepono mo?” I muttered before slipping my high heels on. Halos maglebel ang ulo naming dalawa.

I was putting my earrings on when Beatus frustratedly turned to me again. “Can I borrow yours so I can ring it? f*****g cellphone…”

Walang kibo kong binunot ang sariling telepono mula sa charger at inilapag sa kaniyang naghihintay na palad. Beatus muttered a thanks before dialing his number. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita at muling inayos ang sarili sa harapan ng salamin.

I was still in my underwear, taking my time to spray perfume. It was the same brand and fragrance I used ever since college. Halos mapuno na nga ang isang aparador dahil sa dami ng mga pabango kong hindi naman nagagamit. Ang asawa ko ang nagreregalo kahit alam niyang isang pabango lang naman ang ginagamit ko.

Beatus was still very much frustrated as he stood behind me, my cellphone on his ear and hands akimbo. Kagaya ko ay gumagayak pa lang din siya at ang puting long sleeves at slacks pa lang ang suot.

“Hindi mo ba talaga nakita? Wala kang nakita kagabi bago ka umakyat?” Hinilot nito ang sentido.

Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw na ako kapag inulit pa niya ang tanong na iyon. Beatus didn’t even bother plugging the charger back when he put my phone on the dressing table. Unti-unting naubos ang pasensiya ko habang pinanonood siyang halughugin ang mga aparador.

Nang tuluyan akong mapuno ay padarag kong ibinaba ang bote ng pabango bago ako mismo ang tumungo sa mga estante.

“Kung saan-saan mo kasi iniiwan ang mga gamit mo. Tapos pati sa gamit ko ay hahanapin mo. Mapupunta ba iyon diyan? Saan mo ba kasi binaba?” Isa-isa kong binuksan ang mga drawer.

Beatus joined me as well, even opening the ones he already checked before. “Hindi ko nga matandaan. Hindi ko naman hahanapin kung hindi nawawala.”

“Huwag mong sabihing nawawala kung hindi mo lang matandaan kung nasaan. Ikaw ang may problema kung nakalimutan mo.” Nagulo na ang mga accessories ko habang naghahanap kami.

“Ako? Paanong napunta sa akin?”

“Alangan namang sa cellphone mo ang sisi? Bakit, Beatus? Naglalakad ba ang telepono mo para kung saan-saan magpunta?”

“Just find my goddamn phone. I’m already late.”

“Iyon na nga ang ginawa natin, hindi ba? Kung inilagay mo lang kasi sa tabi mo e ‘di sana ay wala kang problema. Pati ako ay namomroblema dahil sa lintik na cellphone na iyan!”

“Nakalimutan ko nga kung saan ko inilagay! Hindi kita aabalahin kung kanina ko pa nakita!”

Panay ang batuhan namin ng mga salita habang naghahalughog. Nang masuri ang buong walk-in closet ay parang dinaanan ito ng bagyo. Neither of us were backing down until we find his goddamn cellphone. We moved inside our room instead and rummaged through our drawers there.

“Saan mo ba huling natandaang ibinaba mo?” I turned to Beatus with the same frustration he had in his eyes.

“Dumaan akong kusina kagabi bago ako umakyat–”

Both of my hands flew up in the air. “Kaya naman pala e! Kanina ko pa kasi sinabing sa kusina, Beatus. E bakit ka pa naghahanap dito? God!”

“Hindi mo pa kasi ako pinatatapos. Kanina pa ako naghahanap doon! I found nothing so I went here instead!” Beatus also raised his voice, his frustration of finding his cellphone now shifted into me.

“Problema ba iyon? Then go back to the kitchen again! Mag-double check ka nga! Pati ako ay naabala pa sa pagbibihis ko tapos ay sa kusina mo lang pala naiwan!” Dinuro ko ang pinto.

Beatus looked at me like I was the most infuriating thing to him that morning. Tiim-bagang ito at malalim ang paghinga. His eyes drifted down on my body for a split second before he closed his eyes shut. Nang ibukas ang mga mata ay naglaho na ang kaniyang galit.

Inirapan ko ito at tinungo ang huling drawer. Mukhang iyon din ang pakay niya dahil sabay naming hinugot ang handle. Sumobra sa lakas ang pagkakahila kaya naman tumapon ang mga gamit sa loob.

“Putangina naman, Sol! Hindi ka kasi nagdadahan-dahan!” Beatus stepped back, the irritation in his eyes returning.

Napaawang ang aking bibig sa sumambulat na mga kalat sa sahig. I looked up exasperatedly as I muttered a curse. Doon kami tuluyang natahimik na dalawa.

“You know what, Beatus? I need to work. Find your goddamn phone yourself. Aayusin ko na lang ito mamaya pagdating ko.” Ubos na ang pasensiya ko at nagpasyang bumalik sa pagbibihis.

When I looked over my shoulder, Beatus had his hands on his hips as he looked at the mess on the floor. The curse that followed after was almost inaudible. I was able to catch a glimpse of him looking at the door of the adjoining room.

Mabilis akong napatigil sa paglalakad. “Your cellphone isn’t there.”

Beatus briefly looked at me. With a slight shake of his head, he stormed out of our room. Naiwan akong mag-isa upang ituloy ang pagbibihis ko. Kaya nga lang, pati ang walk-in closet ay magulo na rin.

When Beatus knew that I ransacked Apollo’s room, he didn’t say a word. He didn’t judge me for keeping our daughter’s things away. But that was just it. He said nothing and accepted the change I did without his notice.

Pagkatapos magbihis ay bumaba na akong kwarto. Saktong naabutan ko si Beatus na nakagayak na, suot na ang coat at nakatali na rin ang necktie. Nang magkatinginan kaming dalawa ay naghari ang katahimikan.

“Sir Beatus? Hindi ho ba kayo kakain?” singit ni Aling Nenita.

I was the first one to look away. Dumapo ang mga mata ko sa kitchen kung saan nakahanda na ang hapagkainan.

“Hindi na, Aling Nenita. Magkakape na lang ako sa daan,” iling ni Beatus bago naglakad patungo sa gawi ko. He kissed my cheek without looking into my eyes. “You go and eat your breakfast. I’m already running late.”

“Okay. Would you be home for dinner?” I tried to make a small conversation.

“Baka hindi na. May tinatapos pa kami ni Antonova.” Beatus stepped back and looked at his wrist.

“That’s fine. I don’t think I’ll be home early too,” iling ko kahit wala naman talagang iniintinding gagawin.

“Kumain ka na lang sa labas o magpaluto ka kay Aling Nenita. Huwag mo na akong hintayin.” Beatus was still looking at his watch.

Sa pagitan namin ay palipat-lipat ang mga tingin ni Aling Nenita. Even Hanz was looking at us through the small window. Hindi ko iyon pinansin at tumango na lang sa asawa ko. We bid farewell but before he could go out of the house, our landline rang.

Napatalon si Aling Nenita bago iyon kinuha. Hindi niya alam kung kanino iaabot ngunit mabilis namang kinuha ng asawa ko.

“Yes, Nova?” Beatus turned his body away from me.

Kumunot ang noo ko. Dumiretso na ako sa kusina ngunit nagpapanting ang tainga ko sa katawagan ng asawa ko.

“I couldn’t find my phone. Sa BGC na lang siguro ang meeting ng team. Alright. I’ll see you in a bit…”

Aling Nenita was telling me something about the weather when I heard Beatus’ car smoothly revving up in our garage. With Hanz’ hand signals, it disappeared along the driveway. I sighed and just ate my breakfast.

Pagdating sa opisina ay sinubukan kong tapusin ang mga naudlot na trabaho kahapon. I tried to do work as much as possible when my mind was still alert. Akala ko ay ako lang ang nakakapansin ngunit pati ang sekretarya ko ay sinabi sa aking mabagal ang pag-usad ng mga papel sa aking desk. It was because if I wasn’t crying my heart out, my mind was blank. I didn’t know which was worse.

To emphasize it, I caught myself spacing out once again. Napailing ako nang maabutan ang sariling nakatulala lamang sa pader. I was thinking about what happened between Beatus and I earlier.

Muntik na naman kaming mag-away. Kung hindi kami parehong marunong magpigil ay baka nahalata na nila Aling Nenita. Pareho pa naman silang tsismoso noong pamangkin niya but I liked their company. They were the ones mostly living in our house and I was grateful for it. Otherwise it would just be an empty vessel with only me and Beatus in it.

If I was being honest with myself, I didn’t even know when was the last time we made love. It did happen once or twice after my accident. But it felt more of a chore than a need. Beatus was just having an itch and his wife was a solution.

With what happened earlier, maybe he would just consider doing a hand job. He could certainly take care of himself. I didn’t mind. And if I was truly being honest, I didn’t know if I wanted to do it with him. Something was off and we both felt it. There’s no point in lying anyway.

Noong nagbubuntis pa lamang ako kay Apollo ay maayos naman kaming dalawa. We were sexually active until my second trimester as I already find it hard to move around. In general things. We were also advised by my obstetrician to take extra precautions. Pagkatapos ng nangyayari at base sa kinakaharap namin, hindi ko alam kung may panahon pa kami para sa bagay na iyon.

There was certainly something happening between us. No matter how Beatus tried to be friendly with me, no matter how he wanted us to be close. I could see his efforts but his attempts were nothing but an empty motive to somehow bring back what we had before. And he was slowly losing his patience.

Hindi ko lang alam kung kailan mangyayari iyon at kung ano ba ang gagawin ko kung sakaling dumating nga ang araw na iyon.

“Madame Consuelo, paakyat po si Sir Sinclair,” the intercom butted in.

Instantly, I dropped my fountain pen and started to fix myself. I would never admit to Kuya Carlo that I forgot he would be visiting. Mas lalo lang mag-aalala. Noong isang araw ay nagpadala ng lunch. Kahapon naman ay nagpadala ng bulaklak. Pati rin si Kuya Ilay ay mas madalas kung tumawag.

Rain started pouring outside. The double doors of my office opened, revealing Kuya Carlo in his immaculately posh Armani suit.

Tumayo ako at sinalubong siya. “I told you, I don’t need you checking up on me…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be going back to Batangas again so you wouldn’t deal with me anymore.” Kuya Carlo pulled back, his eyes subtly scanning my face.

Kahit anong tago niya sa pag-aalala ay nakita ko pa rin. I could perfectly read him through the frowns marring his forehead. Ngumiti na lang ako sa kaniya at tumungo sa isang sulok.

I looked over my shoulder. “Coffee?”

“That sounds great…” he answered, yet he knew I felt nothing but.

Katulad ng pagbisita sa akin last week ay nagtagal si Kuya Carlo ng mga ilang minuto. We were basically talking about nonsense. The weather, sports, even some political issues. In truth, he was just trying to let me know that he was there. Nagsimula iyon nang inabutan niya ako sa bahay na halos mamatay na habang umiiyak. I didn’t know what was running in his mind that time but it made him spend more time with me.

Umuulan pa rin nang matapos kaming magkape at magkwentuhan. Kuya Carlo was already preparing to leave. I stood there, watching him put his coat on.

“How is your marriage doing?” he asked all of a sudden.

Tumaas ang mga kilay ko. Out of all the questions he threw at me, that was the most serious one although he looked like he was just asking about the weather.

My marriage was nothing but, “fine.”

Tumango lamang ito at inayos naman ang lapel ng suit.

“You? How are you doing?” My voice went soft. “I heard… Ate Cala’s back. Why don’t you visit and try to talk to her? She’s in Sorsogon.”

My brother froze as if her name was the harbinger of a snow storm. He walked towards the door without another word.

“Where are you going?” habol ko.

Sinclair Delgado only gave me a subtle nod. “Away from Sorsogon.”

Pagkaalis ni Kuya Carlo ay naging maayos na ang pagtatrabaho ko. I took advantage of it and actually did some work. By the time I looked around, May was already packing up. Kung hindi ako nito sinabihang uuwi na siya ay baka ako na lang ang naiwan sa buong opisina.

I didn’t want to go home. The sun was just about to set but the soft rain hadn’t stopped yet. That afternoon, the sky was also having mixed emotions. It was a mood. So, I stood there, just outside the building while waiting for my car. Countless drops of water fell on the busy road in front but I was too busy contemplating with my mind if I should go home or not.

Out of the many footwear that passed my spot, worn or not, the pair of pink ballerina shoes caught my attention. Maliit lang ang mga yapak ngunit mabibilis, halos walang naging tunog sa basang kalsada. The next pair of shoes next to it was rather an old pair of Caterpillar boots. It was an odd combination. I couldn’t resist looking up.

A kid like about five or six years old was walking on the sidewalk hand in hand with her father. Kung tama nga ba ang hula kong mag-ama sila. I didn’t get a proper look because they seemed to be in a hurry. Walang payong at magkasamang sinusuong ang ambon.

The one second that connected me to the both of them only allowed me to catch a whiff of a sweet strawberry cologne, no doubt belonging to the child. And… something earthy. Something cool but more of a clean water. It wasn’t the rain but more of like the ocean.

Isang segundong dumaan ang dalawa sa harapan ko. Isang eksaktong segundong nagtama ang tingin namin ng batang babae. Nagkasya ang lahat ng iyon sa isang segundo lamang. At pagkatapos nito ay wala na.

To me, they were just one of the many strangers that passed by down this awful road. And to them, I was just some random woman. One that looked like a democrat with her designer shoes and belt.

It was just in time that my car arrived. By the time I got inside, the two were already gone.