Valeria

17 Consuelo

When we passed by a certain mall, I immediately remembered what I had forgotten. It was only four o’clock. Parker’s father and I were supposed to meet at around five.

Pikit-mata kong tinanggap ang katotohanang mas gugustuhin ko pang bumalik sa coffeeshop na iyon at ituloy ang mga pangyayari kahapon kaysa sa makasama si Beatus at ang kaniyang pamilya. I felt even more guilty.

Kulang isang oras lang ang itinagal ng byahe bago kami nakarating sa bahay ng mga Santa Romana. It was just outside of town with all the tall trees and shallow hills around. Their family estate was a traditional Mediterranean house which had long open hallways and arched doorways, but what I loved most about it was their small sunflower field. Nasa likod lang kaya kahit mala-mansyon ang bahay ay hindi nakaka-intimidate.

“Balita namin ay sinuspinde ka raw ni Malkiel. Hija, please tell us it’s not true…” bungad kaagad ni Radmila Santa Romana habang kumakain kami.

So much for praising their nice and cozy home.

“Lola…” Beatus looked at her meaningfully.

“It’s okay, love,” tikhim ko. Sumimsim muna ako ng tubig bago tumango sa dalawang matandang Santa Romana. “Yes, I was suspended by my uncle na sa tingin ko po ay hindi naman masama. Nag-aaalala si Charlie at ang mga kapatid ko sa akin kaya gusto nilang magpahinga muna ako.”

It was a hard pill to swallow, yes, and my anger also got the best of me yesterday. But if I was going to be completely honest with myself, alam ko namang nag-aalala talaga sila sa’kin. Ang problema ko lang ay binigla nila ako at ipinalabas na para bang pabigat na ako sa kumpanya.

What did I expect? The Delgado clan was a patriarchal family. Only God knew how much I hated it and I actually spent less than a decade working my ass off just to change it.

“It’s been what? Three months since your accident? Hindi ka pa rin magaling?” Sumabat ang kakambal ni Beatus. “Nova told us that you’re fine. Sabi niya ay lagi ka raw niyang nakakasalubong sa mall while you’re shopping. I don’t see anything alarming about that.”

“Bea…” babala ng asawa ko.

“What else did she say?” Bumagal ang pagnguya ko sa pagkain.

“Aside from your temporary suspension? Oh, you know, just the usual office gossip. Atsaka hindi naman na niya kasalanan na nakakasagap siya ng balita. You’re a Delgado, Sol, but it sounds like you’re only using it to your advantage.”

So… tama pala ang hula ko na sa babaeng iyon nanggaling ang balitang suspindido ako. Isang araw pa lang ang nakalilipas pero ang bilis na niyang naipakalat. The Escobar heiress was not only close with my husband but, apparently, with his family too. And how could I forget? She’s friends with Beatus’ aggressive twin.

“Beatrix, ano ba?” My husband used a commanding tone that had her raising her two hands. “Chill out, dude! Masama na ba ang magsabi ng katotohanan ngayon? Jesus!”

“Your twin is not entirely at fault,” segunda ni Lolo Felix na kanina pa nag-oobserba. “People these days can’t handle the truth. Calling it rude instead of accepting honesty is quite dangerous.”

I pursed my lips. I didn’t know how to react with that.

“Exactly!” ani Bea.

“Sol, honey, what are you going to do now that you’re not working?” Ngumisi sa akin si Lola Mila. “I mean, in the meantime, you have to distract yourself, right? My grandson is very busy so you can’t rely on him for your entertainment.”

“I have some hobbies of my own,” kibit-balikat ko.

“You should try learning to cook. Hindi ba ay kaunting putahe lang ang alam mong lutuin?”

“Y-Yes… but I will–”

“Si Nova ay magaling magluto. Magpaturo ka sa kaniya minsan.” Lola Mila sipped her red wine. “Ang gandang bata. Kayang-kaya pa mamuhay mag-isa at halatang inaalagaan ang sarili.”

I gulped. Why did her statement suddenly made me feel all ugly? Nakakapanliit lang.

“Luckily, Antonova is friends with us. Para naman pati ang kapatid ko ay maalagaan niya…” sabat pa ni Beatrix.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Beatus. Under the table, he tried to hold my hand but I pulled it away fast. Parang may sumuntok na kamao sa tiyan kong nanlalamig.

“What… do you mean by that?” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling magtanong.

Ngumisi nang mapakla ang Lolo at Lola ni Beatus. Pakiramdam ko ay ako pa ang nagpahiya sa sarili ko.

“Isn’t it obvious, Sol? No offense ha pero tingnan mo nga ang sarili mo. Parang losyang ka na. Nag-aayos ka pa ba?” Beatrix giggled. “I mean, if you can’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your partner?”

Nang nilingon ko si Beatus ay umiwas lang siya ng tingin. In fact, he looked so hurt as if expecting me to beg for his forgiveness. I bit my lips hard just to stay quiet.

“Baka naman kaya ka naaksidente ay hindi mo talaga inaalagaan ang sarili mo, hija? Should we send you one of our maids? Iyong magaling magluto para tuturuan ka na…” Tumango-tango si Lola Mila.

“Don’t worry, hija. We will help you,” pagsang-ayon ni Lolo Felix.

“Poor girl. She’s so dependent… So weak and fragile…”

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natagalang pakisamahan ang mga Santa Romana. Ayokong maging bastos kaya hindi ako sumasagot pero sa totoo lang ay sukang-suka na ako. Alam ko namang hindi sila boto sa akin noong magkasintahan pa lang kami ni Beatus. He was his grandparents’ golden boy and his twin’s best brother. It was obvious that they cared for him too much to the point of forgetting other people’s feelings.

I felt manipulated to think that I was so powerless and incapable of taking care of my own life. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang pangit ko na, sobrang hina ko na. I was broken beyond repair when Apollo died. But I had never felt so low until I realized that they were looking down at me like that. Kahit sariling abilidad ay kinuwestyon ko na dahil sa kahinaang naramdaman.

Sobrang tahimik ng naging byahe namin pabalik pero pagkauwi sa bahay ay hinarap ko kaagad si Beatus.

“Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa aking si Nova pala ang nagsabi sa’yo?” I asked.

“Na ano?” Beatus was taking off his shoes.

“Na suspended ako sa trabaho.” I gritted my teeth. “Bakit? May iba pa ba? Sobrang close ninyo na ba kaya sa isa’t isa kaya sobrang dami ninyo nang napag-usapan?”

“Ano na naman ba ito, Sol? Hindi ka pa ba pagod?” He annoyedly turned to me.

“Oo…” Tumango-tango ako, pigil na pigil sa galit ko. “Oo, tama ka. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na akong magbulag-bulagan. Tell me, what is she to you?”

“Ano? Sino?”

“Ano ba, Beatus? Hanggang dito ba naman ay pagmumukhain mo akong tanga? Si Antonova! Sino pa ba?!” Parang napigtas na ang lubid ng pasensiya ko. “Madaling-araw ka na kung umuwi galing sa trabaho. May narinig ka ba sa akin? Wala. Tapos ngayon naman ay linggo-linggo ka na lang kung umuwi. May narinig ka ba? Wala! Kasi pinapalampas ko!” My voice cracked as I panted. “Ngayon… Tinatanong kita kaya sagutin mo ako. I hope you give me an honest answer or so God help me…”

Umawang ang bibig ni Beatus at namula ang dalawang tainga. He closed his eyes shut but the moment he opened them, it showed how angry he also was. “Alam mo, ang dumi-dumi mong mag-isip! Nagtatrabaho akong maayos! Napakaselosa mo!”

“Hindi ako nagseselos! Nagdududa ako sa’yo! Are you not getting it?”

“I totally get it. You think I’m cheating on you with Nova.” Humalakhak si Beatus na agad ding huminto. “For f**k’s sake, Sol, look at yourself. You’re delusional!”

“Kasalanan ko bang ganito ang nararamdaman ko dahil sa mga ginagawa mo?!”

“Ginagawa ko?! Anong ginagawa ko?” He looked taken aback. “You know, when Ilay called that you’re suspended, I got mad at him. I defended you. But now?” Diskumpyadong umilling si Beatus. “Now I get it. I totally get why your brothers suspended you. You’re crazy!”

Doon ako natahimik. Hindi ko alam ay panay na pala ang agos ng mga luha sa pisngi ko. I tried to wipe them away but I only got frustrated because they wouldn’t stop. Hearing him say that did a lot of irreparable damage.

“Akala ko ikaw ang kakampi ko…” nanghihina kong bulong. “Akala ko ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin. When my parents died, you’re the only one who stayed by my side. I trusted you with my whole life, Beatus. My whole f*****g life that’s why I married you…”

Parang naupos ang kandila ng galit sa mga mata ng asawa ko. Pakiramdam ko ay alam na niya ang susunod kong sasabihin. And it would hurt a lot. But instead of continuing, I sobbed instead.

Beatus gulped, his eyes weakening. “I… I’m sorry for yelling at you. Pagod lang ako–”

“Huwag mo akong hahawakan.” Umatras ako.

“There is nothing going on between me and Nova…” he stated calmly. “You can trust me with that.”

I couldn’t do that because the next morning, he was out again in the office. I would say my accusations toward my husband was triggered because of his family’s manipulation. But I didn’t know what to believe in anymore. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay maaaring kulang ako ngayon pero hindi iyon sapat na dahilan para maghanap ng iba ang asawa ko.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was scared. Of Beatus finding out that I cheated on him, of the harsh truth that I could no longer trust my husband, of me finding out that my allegations were true.

Either way, it would hurt us both deeply. Kung totoo mang may relasyon sila ni Nova, mas masakit sa parte ko dahil alam kong hindi iyon katulad ng namagitan sa amin ng tatay ni Parker. That was only physical. I knew Beatus. He wasn’t capable of doing that with just anyone. He would have to trust that person first and feel connected.

Then again, I thought of that to myself too until I faced grief. Iba-iba ang nagagawa ng kalungkutan at pagdurusa sa bawat tao. It’s stronger than drugs but lighter than death.

Pagkalipas ng ilang araw ay nagpaka-busy ako. I was suspended from work which allowed me to have my days to myself. I wanted to mope and sulk but I felt too insecure with my appearance. Pinaramdam sa akin ng pamilya ni Beatus na sobrang pangit ko na kaya ginugol ko ang oras sa spa. I didn’t change my hair or anything. I just went there to feel good about myself. Ilang buwan din akong hindi nagpa-treatment.

Aside from my false self-care, I was planning to change the interior of our house. I wanted to see something new. And while doing that, I was practicing cooking. Sa tulong ni Aling Nenita ay nakapagluto ako ng Sinigang Baboy at iyon ang ibinaon nang pumunta sa opisina ng asawa ko. Gusto kong ipakita sa kaniyang hindi ako ang mga bagay na ibinibintang ng pamilya niya sa akin kahit na mukha na akong desperado.

I wasn’t doing those things for myself. I was doing it mainly for them to see. And it felt good just for a moment.

Maybe in some parts of myself, I was trying to make an effort to fix whatever’s going on between Beatus and I. Or better yet, maybe I was just guilty because of what I did. Because I cheated. Hindi ko alam.

“M-Ma’am!” My husband’s secretary stood up fast when I entered their floor. “Nasa loob po si Sir Beatus. Shall I inform him?”

“No need. May… kasama ba siya?” Tumaas ang kilay ko.

Mabilis naman itong umiling kaya nagdire-diretso ako ng lakad. I knocked on the double doors twice before going inside. Naabutan ko si Beatus na kunot-noong kaharap ang laptop. His fingers were typing furiously that he must hadn’t heard me knocking. Kaya bahagyang lumaki ang mga mata niya nang nag-angat ng tingin.

“I brought lunch.” Itinaas ko ang isang kamay na may dalang paper bag.

Kukurap-kurap ang asawa ko, ang kunot-noo ay unti-unting nawawala. Bumaba ang mga mata niya sa dala ko pagkatapos ay bumalik ulit sa mukha ko. Then his frowns came back but he slowly nodded anyway.

“Tatapusin ko lang ito saglit. Fifteen minutes max. Magpaakyat ka na lang muna ng mga plato kay Frida…” Dinuro niya ang kaharap na laptop kahit medyo naguguluhan pa rin ang itsura.

“Okay…” kibit-balikat ko.

Lumapit ako sa coffee table na nasa gitna ng kaniyang opisina. I put the paper bag there and began taking out the Tupperware. Then I fiddled with his intercom to ask his secretary for extra utensils. Habang ginagawa iyon ay takang-taka lang na nakamasid ang asawa ko.

I could only imagine his bewilderment. A few days ago, I nearly, finally ended our collapsing marriage. And now I was here in his office preparing him lunch that I actually cooked. Marunong naman kasi akong magluto. Bihira nga lang.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay natapos na si Beatus sa ginagawa. We were able to have a decent meal together. I couldn’t even remember the last time that we did. Pati na rin kung kailan ba ang huling beses na pinabaunan ko siya. It would have felt nice only if I didn’t do it for my insecurity.

“Masarap?” tanong ko nang malapit na kaming matapos.

Beatus nodded wordlessly, his eyes still wary.

“Okay. Nabusog ka ba?” tanong ko pa.

He swallowed the food down and sipped from his glass of water. Para bang lalasunin ko siya sa mga tingin niya.

“Yeah. Thanks for the food…” He put his glass down. “Nga pala, sinabi na ba sa’yo ni Libra? He’s throwing a party tomorrow. I don’t know why but he invited mostly everyone.”

“Oo, tumawag siya kanina,” sabi ko. “But if you don’t want to go, it’s okay. I can go alone to represent us. I know you’re busy.”

“Hindi. Sasama ako…” Sumeryoso ang mukha ni Beatus.

Tumango ako. I could tell by his curious glances that he wanted to at least comment on what the hell was happening. This must truly be a miracle. Pero katulad ko ay nanahimik na lang din siya. Together, we cleaned up the table, and maybe, just maybe, I was remembering how it felt when we were still doing fine like before.

I was not. If there was something I was replaying in my mind, it was very far from my husband and I. Sa halip na alalahanin ang mga taong kasal ako kay Beatus, ang kabaligtaran pa ang naalala ko. It was Parker’s father whom I saw as I looked my husband.

Hindi ko siya sinipot sa dapat sanang pangalawang pagkikita namin. We would have had s*x if I did. I was sure of it. Ang lalaking iyon ang madalas sumagi sa isip ko nitong mga nakaraang araw at sinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ako bumabalik sa coffeeshop kung saan huli kaming nagkita.

Before I had the urge to feel pretty, I wanted to be free. To be someone other than Consuelo Valeria Santa Romana. Then I remembered him… craved him and that liberating feeling he radiated of. Alam kong mali na pero desperado na rin ako. Lagi akong dumadaan sa coffeeshop pero ni minsan ay hindi ko na ulit siya nakita.

I tried so hard to forget him. The feeling of his sinful mouth on mine, the feeling of having his lips close around my n*****s. I wanted to erase him from my mind but my body would remember like he wrote his name on my skin. He had something I would die for. He made me taste it and since then, I couldn’t move on. He had freedom.

As I looked at Beatus right at that moment, him in his nice suit and posh necktie, him in all his seriousness and ever-boasted pride, I couldn’t see it. Not anymore. He was just a vessel that I poured all my love to before.

Nang bumukas ang pinto ay sabay kaming lumingon ni Beatus. Ako naman ang kumunot ang noo nang makitang walang kaabog-abog na pumasok si Nova.

“Oh! Hi, Sol!” She waved her perfectly manicured fingernails at me as if expecting to see me there. “Kamusta ka na? I heard you’re suspended? Totoo ba?”

I smiled tightly, my molars pulverizing each other. Her presence awakened my sinful thoughts. Parang binuhay niya ang galit ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagmamaang-maangan pa siya kung siya naman ang nagpakalat ng balitang iyon. But before I could respond, Beatus stood up.

“My wife and I are having our lunch. May papapirmahan ka ba?” Umiwas ng tingin si Beatus.

I stood up as well, my eyes raking over Nova’s bright emerald bodycon dress. Her smile faltered away with my husband’s dismissive tone. Mabilis din siyang nakabawi at ngumisi ulit.

“Mukhang tapos naman na kayo, Beatus. Baka pwede na nating pag-usapan ito dahil may hinahabol tayong oras.” She raised the files she brought.

My husband looked at me first before slowly nodding at her. Lumaki ang ngisi ni Nova at tumungo sa desk ng asawa ko. Like the first time I saw her there, she bent her body low to arrange the files herself. Ilang pulgada na lang ay makikita na ang underwear niya!

Umawang ang bibig ni Beatus ngunit sa akin pa rin ang panghuling tingin. Sumingkit ang mga mata ko.

“Magbabanyo lang ako…” tikhim niya at umalis na.

Kahit sa likuran niyang papasok sa bathroom ay masamang-masama ang tingin ko. Gustong-gusto ko na siyang kastiguhin kung bakit hinahayaan niyang si Nova ang nag-aayos ng mga papeles niya. Was it always like this? E kaya naman pala ayaw umuwi ng asawa ko!

Nang tuluyang makaalis si Beatus ay naiwan kaming dalawa ni Nova sa opisina. I definitely wished I wore my black Valentino dress and not my casual rompers. Naka-flats lang ako kaya ilang pulgada ang agwat namin ni Nova na naka-killer heels.

“Consuelo…” She grinned.

“Antonova.” I nodded.