Valeria

2 Consuelo

            “Mr. and Mrs. Santa Romana?” Lumingon sa aming mag-asawa ang paring nagbasbas.

            Subtly, I looked up at Beatus. He looked back at the priest, his eyes briefly meeting everybody who attended the funeral.

            Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa maliit na kahang nakababa sa nakabukang lupa.

            “All right,” Beatus nodded.

            Umalis ito sa likuran ng aking wheelchair at naglakad patungo sa harapan kung nasaan ang kabisera ng kaha. Katulad ng mga dumalo, bukas ang aking mga mata patungo sa kaniyang gawi ngunit walang kahit isang salitang kaniyang binitiwan ang tumatak sa aking isipan.

            “My little princess… Apollo…” my husband started.

            I readjusted my arm sling, still not used to feeling of it dangling on my shoulder. Kuya Ilay immediately noticed and took the spot Beatus left. Siya ang nag-ayos ng aking braso. Mahina akong nagpasalamat bago muling binaling ang tingin sa harapan.

            Ang panghapong hangin ng Agosto ang sumalubong sa buong sementeryo pasado alas tres ng hapon. Sa kabilang banda, halu-halo ang nakabukas at nakasarang mga lupa, naghihintay kung kailan ba magkakalaman at may bubuluking laman.

            Isang pirasong laman. Ganoon ko na lamang ba siya kikilalanin pagkatapos kong dalhin nang anim na buwan?

            Isang araw lang pagkatapos akong pakawalan ng mga doktor ay pinaayos na namin ang libing ni Apollo. Apollo, yes. That was supposed to be her name. Apollo Adrianna. Might as well call her that and not keep it as a secret anymore – her name – because it was what’s written on her grave.

            But more so, I was scared that I might not remember it. Baka isang umaga ay gumising na lang akong nakalimutan ko na ang pangalan niya kung hindi ko araw-araw bibigkasin, iisa-isahin at sisiyasatin ang mga patinig at katinig dahil napuno na ako ng sakit. Because it wasn’t entirely impossible. I tended to forget things when I get so broken beyond despair. And this feeling... this very feeling as I watched the white rectangular box rest on the naked earth, it was all so familiar.

            The feeling of loss.

            It was the ugliest feeling that ever existed. It made me want to drop down on the ground and rip the dirt open. To bury my fingernails in the soil and grab the little box that was kept there.

            To fully see for myself that the person I was yearning for was already dead, that I should not yearn anymore but mourn instead. Then I would break the casket apart and smell its lovely bones that was already drifting apart. Just after when I did those things, maybe, just maybe, I would finally accept and believe that… that person was already dead.

            But was it? A person?

            My little Apollo wasn’t given that chance. She wasn’t a person. Not a girl. Not a pretty little thing I had always wanted to protect.

            What she was, I didn’t even know. She simply existed between life and death. A little too early for the dark and a little too late for the light. She was taken from me.

            “Thank you all to our family and friends who gave their support during this trying time. Apollo will remain in our hearts forever.” Gumuhit ang ilang linya sa noo ni Beatus dahil sa pagkunot ng noo. Iyon ang reaksyong ginagawa ng kaniyang mukha sa tuwing nagiging subsob sa trabaho. Sa tuwing may traffic sa EDSA at wala siyang ibang magawa kung hindi ang magmura. Nanatiling nakatayo si Beatus sa harapan at ang tingin ay palipat-lipat sa ibang bagay. Nang magtama ang aming mga mata ay napailing ito sa kawalan. “Sorry…”

            His big strides brought him back to my direction as he retained his spot behind me. He gripped the handle of my wheelchair a little too tightly, and I could tell from his knuckles turning white just how much he was hurting from the inside.

            “It’s okay,” Antonova Escobar consoled.

            Isang tango ang ibinigay ng asawa ko sa aming kaibigan. She was one of our colleagues we’ve known ever since high school. Noong isang linggo ay dumalo rin siya. Noong birthday ko naman. She was here again so maybe she could have known us both, my husband and I, more than each of us did.

            It couldn’t be that our vision got aligned. She wouldn’t have seen because I was wearing my black Prada sunglasses which my husband bought for me when he’s in a business trip in France.

            “Sol…” Nova offered a small smile.

            But I guessed she did anyway.

            “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?” the deacon quoted.

            Both of my brothers were beside me like how they stood by the door of my hospital room for hours. Stiff and cold-hearted. My cousin and most trusted confidante, Libra, was also there pero hindi kasama ang girlfriend na si Lyanna. Maxence, he too was present with his soft masculine voice giving everybody the comfort they deserved.

            As to my husband’s side, his twin sat beside him. Sa tagal ng pagkakakilala naming dalawa ni Beatrix ay noong araw lamang niya ako kinausap nang matagal at seryoso. She must not be all the terrible woman that I thought she was. Katulad niya, ang Lolo at Lola ni Beatus ay dumalo rin para makapag-abot ng condolences. For a brief moment there, the pride they had always shunned at my way had been lowered down.

            Sa isang parte ng araw na iyon, kahit isang saglit, ay tumupad sila sa kanilang mga pangako noong araw ng aming kasal. That it would not only be the union of Beatus and I but both of our families as well. Ang pinaka-unang beses na nangyari sa loob ng tatlong taong kasal kami.

            It was a given that the Delgados and the Santa Romanas were two different types of people. They were skies and seas away. The two families just wouldn’t blend in well together. Or, like how the society deemed so, no other bloodline would suit if there was a Delgado within the context.

            Always us Delgados, the main problem and the challenger of the elites.

            Should we not belong in the world we once ruled in?

            “Let us go in peace to live out the word,” the deacon closed.

            Muling umihip ang hangin, binabalangkas ang bawat isang dumalo sa libing ng anak ko. The wind caressed a bit little more of my cheeks. Soft, gently, a little too cold and a little too sweet. Nilingon ko ang balikat upang panghawakan ang munti nitong mga bulong ngunit iyon ang naging una at huli. I focused my eyes on the ceremony in front, not minding the new set of tears that fell.

            Walang salitang inabot ni Beatus ang aking kamay. The one that wasn’t covered in a cast. Seryoso mang nakapako ang kaniyang mga mata sa harapan ay pinagsalikop niya ang aming mga daliri. His thumb drew tiny circles at the back of my palm.

            So, I let him.

            The funeral service lasted for only at least twenty minutes. We particularly asked for it to be short. Flower petals were what’s left behind when all of our friends and family members left. Ang tanging mga natira lamang ay ang aking dalawang kapatid. Pati na rin ang Lolo at Lola ni Beatus.

            “We’re very sorry, hijo. You don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry…” I could hear the genuine concern in Radmila Santa Romana’s stringy voice from where I waited.

            Beside me, Kuya Carlo snorted. My other brother remained silent although his eyes were trained on the Santa Romana clan that was huddling close by. The old couple was comforting their grandson, their dull voices making my skin crawl. Napagdesisyunan kong panoorin na lamang ang dalawa naming tauhang nagtatabon ng lupa pabalik sa pinaghukayan nito. Kailangan nilang siksikin iyon dahil mayroon nang ibinaon.

            “If you need anything, Beatus, our house is always open for you…”

            Tinanggal ko ang suot na mga lente upang makitang buong-buo kung paano nila ilibing ang napakaliit na kabaong.

            “We will always welcome you. We love you so much…”

            Isang salok, isang tapon. Isang salok, isang tapon.

            “This will be hard for you, son. Hold on…”

            Isang salok, isang tapon. Salok. Tapon.

            “We are very, very sorry. If there is anything we can do…”

            Isang salok, isang tapon.

            Isang salok.

            Isang tapon.

            “Sol?”

            I whipped my head towards my brother. In an instant, I was trying to catch my breath. Kinalma ko ang paghinga at sinubukang pahintuin ang biglaang ang pag-ikot ng paningin. The sound of the shovels murdering the soil got stuck in my head. Doon luminaw ang mukha ni Kuya Ilay, kunot-noo at isang diretso ang mga labi.

            Bumuntong-hininga ito at may kung anong binunot mula sa bulsa. He produced a white handkerchief that smelled just like him. Marahan ang ginawa nitong pagdampi sa aking mga pisngi. I frowned, my good hand shooting up to touch my tearstained face.

            I didn’t even know I was crying.

            “Thanks.” Tinanggap ko ang puting panyo upang ako mismo ang magpunas sa sarili.

            Allistaire Delgado stepped back, standing beside Sinclair Delgado. My two brothers had a somber expression on their faces that they somehow looked very alike. Parehong diretso ang tingin at parehong nakapamulsa ang mga kamay.

Binawi ko ang tingin kay Kuya Ilay upang muling ibalik sa mga trabahante.

            Out of the corner of my eyes, Beatus’ grandparents approached. Hindi nila ako makausap kaya ang aking dalawang kapatid ang pinuntahan. Whether they were doing it for the sake of formalities or they were just truly extending their sympathies to our family, I didn’t know. Ngunit hindi pa lumampas ng dalawang minuto ang pag-uusap ng dalawang grupo kaya naman parang alam ko na ang sagot.

            Beatus came to kneel in front of me. His square jaw completely blocked the open grave of our daughter. Tiningala nito ang aking mukha. Bumuntong-hininga ako at binaba ang tingin sa kaniya. The weariness in his eyes almost displayed mine. I tried to smile because his face was just so serious.

            “I love you,” he whispered.

            Grabbing his face using my good hand, I nodded slowly. “I know, Beatus. I know.”

            The old Santa Romana couple had to leave so we needed to say goodbye. Kagaya sa aming mga kapatid ay nagbigay rin sa akin ng ilang salita ang matandang mag-asawa. Nanatili si Beatus sa aking likuran, tulak ang aking wheelchair. My brothers were silent the whole time but they, too, chose to stay by my side.

            Nagmano kaming dalawa ni Beatus sa mag-asawa bago sila makaalis. I didn’t know if my brothers were mocking them but they, too, reached for their wrinkly hands. Ibig bitawan ni Bernardo Santa Romana ang kamay ni Kuya Carlo ngunit pinigilan ang sarili. It was too late when I realized that it was my brothers’ power move.

            Nagkaniya-kaniya na kami pagkatapos. Huling nagpaalam sa akin sina Kuya Carlo at Kuya Ilay. They were going back to Batangas. Soon enough, it was just Beatus and I that was left as the afternoon August sky turned black.

            “Let’s go, Sol. It’s about to rain.” Tumingala si Beatus.

            Taking one last glance at Apollo’s grave, I nodded. Umikot si Beatus upang maitulak ang silyang de gulong.

            “Wait here. I’ll turn the car around,” paalam nito bago naglakad patungong parking.

            I was alone again with nothing but my thoughts and the humid air. Somehow, I was still hearing the shovels. In my head, they sounded like they were picking every cell in my brain and not the rocks buried deep down below. Pumikit akong mariin dahil nagsisimula na naman ang pag-ikot ng aking paningin. Must be the anesthetics wearing off.

            “Hija? Ayos ka lang ba?” asked a dry, stringy voice.

            Slowly, I opened my eyes, mindful of the new company that arrived. In front of me was an old woman roughly around seventy years old. Nababahag akong pinagmasdan ng kaniyang mga matang halos nakasarado na.

            “A-Ayos lang po ako, Lola. Hinihintay ko lang ang asawa ko…” Ngumiwi ako at luminga sa paligid.

            I felt relieved when I saw the top of Beatus’ head. The parking lot wasn’t that far anyway. He seemed to be looking for something at the back of the car.

            “May asawa ka na?” tanong ng matanda.

            Tumango ako at sinubukang ngumiti. Tumango-tango ang matanda at luminga sa paligid. “Kaano-ano mo ang inilibing?”

            I didn’t know if I should answer her but I found myself doing so. Something about how certain she stared at me like I wasn’t a stranger.

            “Anak ko po ang namatay…” paliwanag ko.

            Natahimik ang matanda. Ilang saglit nitong nilingon ang banda kung saan patapos na ang pagtabon sa maliit nitong kaha. I follower her line of vision, the ache in my chest doubling.

            “Ano ang pangalan ng bata?” The old woman turned to me again.

            “Apollo po.”

            “Si Don…” Nalaglag ang panga nito. “Si Don Apollo? Isisilang ulit?”

            “Ahh, hindi po. Anak ko po iyon, Lola. Ako si Consuelo…” I explained.

            “Consuelo? Consuelo Delgado?”

            Tumango ako. I wasn’t so surprised that someone as old as her remembered our lineage. Maybe even its dark history. Everybody here in Sorsogon knew that more than the bible itself.

            Napakamot sa ulo ang matanda. Matagal ako nitong pinakatitigan. It was slightly unnerving so I looked back at Beatus. Sakto naman ang pagpasok nito sa loob ng kotse.

            “Dapat ay hindi mo pinangalanang Apollo ang magiging anak ninyo. Mamalasin kayo…” iling ng matanda. “Parang si Carlotta at Ricardo. Araw-araw si Ricardo sa sementeryo nang mamatay si Rosalia. Magkasama na silang dalawa. Sa wakas.”

            So, she also knew my parents. And that one fact that my father loved a ghost more than his own wife.

            Like she forgot I was in front of her, she looked at me again and frowned. “Dapat ay hindi mo ipinasa ang pangalan ni Don Apollo sa bata. Mamalasin kayo.”

            I pursed my lips, not knowing what to say to the old lady. Nang mamataan ang head lights ng aming sasakyan ay nakaramdam ako ng ginhawa. Pinilit ko na lang ngumiti sa matanda habang hinihintay si Beatus.

            “Asawa mo?” She followed my line of vision.

            Tumango ako ngunit hindi na nagsalita pa.

            “Isang malaking pagkakamali, Consuelo. Malas ka rin. Malas kayong lahat sa pagmamahal… Pero…” Kumunot ang noo nito habang maiging pinagmamasdan ang aking mukha.

            Because of the slight change in her tone, I looked at her once again. Takang-taka ito habang tinitingnan ang kung ano sa aking mga mata. The car was already getting close but she instantly caught my attention.

            “May isang swerteng darating sa buhay mo. Isang lalaking mamahalin mo nang lubos,” deklara ng matanda. “Pumunta ka sa tubig, Consuelo. Nasa tubig ang swerte.”