Valeria

3 Consuelo

            Two weeks ago, we were celebrating my birthday in Manila. Lahat ng mga imbitado roon ay nagpunta rin sa libing sa Sorsogon isang linggo naman ang nakalipas. As a human, I had always thought that time was more of our enemy than our ally but I never thought that it could come at me like that in such a fast pace. Isang kurap, aking kaarawan. Sumunod na kurap, ang kaniyang pagkamatay. It wasn’t fair – time. I had always known. But therefore, I would say it again that time, since time immemorial, wasn’t always f*****g fair.

            What was anyway?

            In this world full of pretense and false happiness, what was?

            Marriage, perhaps? No. What about love? Also, a no.

            So, what was and how could I have it?

            Ang sabi nila ay masakit ang mawalan. Lagi nilang sinasabing hindi biro ang sakit ng isang nawalan. Pero sawang-sawa na akong marinig ang mga katagang iyon. Ang gusto ko namang malaman ay iyong kung paanong punan ang mga nawala. Kung paano bang pawiin ang sakit dahil sa kawalan.

            Because just like me, everybody else was just a smartass. Nobody knew the answer to that until they do.

            “Sol,” tawag ni Beatus.

            Luminga ako sa paligid. The sun was already out in full size, blazing hot in the dog days of summer. Hindi katulad kaninang madaling-araw kung kailan nahihiya pa itong lumabas. That only meant that I had been here in our garden for what, a couple of hours now?

            Mas humigpit ang hawak ni Beatus sa aking kamay.

            Napaigtad ako hindi dahil sa gulat kung hindi dahil sa munting kalabit na nagawa nito sa aking balikat. Back at the hospital, I had always asked for pain relievers. Now that I was out in the open, I could feel each ripple in every movement that I made. Isang tanda lamang na kung ganito ang naging epekto sa akin ay hamak na mas masakit ang natamo ng anak ko. My little Apollo.

            She died after all. She must have suffered an excruciating pain. Before she drew her last breath, Apollo endured and fought. Hard. And it was that knowledge that had me feeling so small.

            Sino ako para magreklamo sa natamo kong mga sugat at galos kung siya ang sumalo ng lahat para sa aming dalawa?

            I blinked a couple of times, my eyes seeing a dozen of colors behind its lids. Mabigat ang talukap ng aking mga mata dahil sa pamumugto ng mga ito. Unlike at the funeral, I didn’t bother how puffy they were that morning.

            What for anyway when everybody already saw and knew how devastated I was?

            “Sol, kakain na tayo,” mas matigas na tawag ni Beatus. “You can’t go on like this. Ilang araw ka nang hindi kumakain.”

            Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na hininga. Para akong pagod na pagod kahit na nakaupo lang naman ako at nakatanaw sa langit.

            I faced my husband with all that I could offer. Nothing.

            “Okay. I’ll try to eat this time…” pagsuko ko.

            Wordlessly, my husband nodded and kissed my forehead. It felt quite to the contrary as to what it was supposed to make me feel. For the past ten years that I had known him in which three of those we were married, his kisses always meant the world for me. The soothing effect it delivered never faltered. Never. Until that dreadful day. Until my birthday that year. The pain was just too much to receive any consolation in return. Even from my own husband.

            The breakfast we had tasted bland in my tastebuds. Para lang huwag mag-alala si Beatus ay sumubo ako ng kahit ilan. Hindi naman ito tumalima nang itulak ko ang pinggan dahil puno na ang tiyan. Beatus washed the dishes after.

            Iyon dapat ang trabaho ko. It felt foreign watching him do such task while he’s already in his corporate attire. Tinanggal lang ang coat at nirolyo hanggang siko ang sleeves. Pagkatapos ay nagpaalam itong bibitbitin ang naiwang briefcase sa aming kwarto.

            I was left alone in the kitchen, sitting on my wheelchair. My eyes were trained on the boxes of milk that were stocked on the cupboard.

            Bukod sa paghuhugas ng mga pinggan tuwing umaga bago kami pumasok sa trabahong mag-asawa, magpapainit ako ng tubig upang inumin ang mga gatas na iyon. My obstetrician recommended it when I got pregnant so the baby would be healthy. She was. Sa lahat ng checkup namin ay laging sinasabi ni Doctora Siobhan na malusog ang aming anak. That she would come out into the world with nothing but her loud cries and big appetite.

            Lumapat ang aking kamay sa ibabaw ng tiyan. The bump was still present but it felt hollow.

            My womb felt empty.

            “Darating sina Aling Nenita at Hanz bukas para may kasama ka.” Beatus appeared on the doorway.

            I turned to him, taking my hand away from my tummy. A small hollow space also existed between us two. Bukas-sara ang mga kamao ni Beatus habang nakababa ng tingin sa akin. Napahawak ito sa batok at tumingala.

            “I’m fine here. Hindi ko kailangan ng kasama,” sagot ko. “Isa pa, manggagaling pa sila ng Sorsogon. I don’t like to force my people to live here in Manila.”

            “I...” Beatus pointed at the door exasperatedly. “I thought we already talked about this.”

            Sa halip na sumagot ay yumuko ako. I fidled with my loose dress using my free fingers. The silence between us existed in a much, much deeper sense. Like it wouldn’t burst even if we shouted simultaneously. It was just there, sitting with us somewhere around the room. The only entity that was the odd one out. And it felt like it was laughing at the both of us.

            Naiwan ako sa bahay mag-isa nang pumasok na si Beatus sa trabaho. Ang una kong ginawa ay ang buksan ang telebisyon.

            I was bored to say the least. Hindi ako sanay na walang ginagawa at nasa loob lang ng bahay. When Beatus asked for my hand in marriage, he very well knew that I wouldn’t be the housewife type. The one that cleans the house and takes care of the kids whenever he’s at work. Kapantay niya ako sa trabaho pati na rin sa pera. I was used to the corporate life so I felt like I was going crazy while being trapped inside the four walls of our house.

            Sinabi ko naman na sa kaniyang magtatrabaho ako kaagad kapag pwede na akong maglakad. But frankly, that wouldn’t happen within at least a week or so.

            I was stuck in my own house.

            “Ring around the rosies... A pocket full of posies...” the telly sang.

            One moment, I was watching a famous soap opera and then the next, I was fumbling with the remote control to watch a familiar nursery rhyme. My eyes were glued to the television screen while hearing the jolly voices. Maraming kulay ang nakapalabas para mas nakakaengganyong tingnan sa mga bata. Ngunit dahil din sa papalit-palit na mga kulay ay nakaramdam ako ng pagkahilo.

            “Ashes, ashes. We all fall down,” the song continued. “Ashes, ahes. We all... fall... down...”

            Soon, I was spiralling into the dark. Falling and falling like ashes. Ang masayang tugtugin ay lumalim at lumambot. Nag-iba ang tono, mas mabagal at binibigkas ang bawat salita. Lumalim ang magkakahalong mga boses. The dark did nothing but to fetch me out of my misery. I closed my eyes and let myself fall.

            Beatus checked in that afternoon. Kahit na may meeting ay umuwi upang magdala ng aking tanghalian. Nagising na lang akong nakahiga na sa kama. Nakahalukipkip si Beatus at mariin akong pinagmamasdan.

            “Hey...” My voice croaked.

            He shook his head. The concern in his hard eyes made me shut up.

            “I can’t go to work with you like this, Sol. I’ll just stay here hanggang dumating sina Aling Nenita,” iling niya sabay upo sa gilid ng kama.

            I sat up on the bed, flinching a bit because of my dislocated shoulder. Nagkatinginan kami ni Beatus bago ito nagpakawala ng isang malalim na hininga. He closed his eyes shut and combed his hair. Tinukod nito ang mga siko sa magkabilang tuhod at hinilot ang sentido.

            “Yeah,” tango niya sa sarili. “Just one afternoon. We’ll be fine.”

            Pinanood ko itong hilutin ang gilid ng ulo. Wala akong ibang magawa. In general, he was tired. He was very, very tired. Hindi lang sa pag-aasikaso sa akin ngunit siguro ay pati na rin sa lahat ng bagay. I couldn’t function like how I used to because of my broken bones. But I doubt that I could do as much, given that I already healed. Nothing would change because I was still broken from the inside.

            Pagkatapos naming kumain ng tanghalian sa master’s bedroom ay nagyayang matulog si Beatus. Hindi na nga siya pumasok sa trabaho. Pumayag ako kahit na hindi naman makatulog ang diwa ko. My husband was fast asleep by my side, his tensed back facing me. I turned to my side too, looking at the clock sitting on my bedside table.

            Ilang pintig lamang ang ginawa ng maliit na kamay bago ako nagpasyang tumayo. It was quite difficult on my part as my lower limbs still needed a lot of healing. But I managed anyway, pulling myself off the mattress and putting pressure on my feet.

            Bago tuluyang umalis ng kwarto ay nilingon ko si Beatus. Tulog pa rin ang asawa ko. Pagod na pagod nitong mga nakaraang araw dahil siya lahat ang nag-asikaso. With little steps, I found myself entering the adjoining room. It was no other than our little Apollo’s.

            Sumabog ang matatabang na mga kulay sa bawat pader ng kwarto. Pastel colors of peach, pink, and lavender were all over the place. Sa carpet ng sahig, sa mga stuffed toy at sa mga baby bottle. The room was full of toys. Books. Changing linens. Books again. And more toys. My husband and I organized those things hands-on like how we did when we first moved in here in our house.

            Ginala ko ang paningin sa maliit na kwarto. Kahit walang pumapasok na hangin ay parang umuugong ang aking tainga sa katahimikan. Bumagsak ang aking tingin sa kuna at doon inakay ang mga paa.

            It was all here, waiting for her. For my Apollo. Everything was already here except her. My child belonged here and not six feet under the ground where maggots fested on her eyes. She was supposed to be here. In this room. On our side.

            Apollo was supposed to live here with us.

            Gamit ang nanginginig na mga kamay ay pinasadahan ko ng hawak ang kunang gawa sa kahoy. Uminit ang sulok ng aking mga mata. Sunod kong hinawakan ay ang mga unan at kumot na naghihintay sa batang hihiga. Kinuha ko ang isang maliit na unan at dinala sa aking dibdib.

            I clutched the pillow tightly against my chest as sobs erupted from me. It turned out to be a silent one, its heavy sounds buried deep in my lungs.

            After almost a decade since my parents died, I was facing the same terrible loss once again. And the whole point of it wasn’t even their death. The hardest part of it was whatever kind of life they lived, it didn’t exactly end there. Life didn’t end in death. It was just passed on to somebody else. To receive it. To carry those little pieces back into the world as a reminder that that life existed between everything else.  It was a viscious cycle but it was the delicate balance of life.

            So, what should I do when I was left with nothing?

            Nothing to remember by but her name. Not even a memory of how she could have laughed. Not a word from her mouth. Not a single breath.

            If all those had already failed, what was left for me to hold on to?

            Sa isang iglap ay tumagos ang hangin papasok sa nakasaradong bintana. Pwersahang nilooban ng malamig na ere ang kawalan. My sobs briefly stopped as I looked around the empty space. With the cold air swirling, it didn’t feel as empty anymore. Something was there with me, a nagging feeling at the back of my head. It was so all of a sudden but the brisk air didn’t feel so strange. Like it had always been there. Listening to my cries, watching how I mourned. Something cold but innocent was there with me all along.

            Dahil sa malakas na hangin ay umugoy ang mga nakabitin sa kuna. Marahang idinuyan ang mga laruang planeta kasabay ng tunog na nagmumula rito. Mas lalong humigpit ang aking yakap sa unan.

            “Sol?” Beatus appeared at the doorway, his bloodshot eyes heavy with sleep.

            Bumuntong-hininga ito nang dumapo ang mga mata sa aking pagkakatayo. He walked towards me and supported my weight by the waist. Kahit anong gawin kong punas sa aking mga luha ay patuloy ang kanilang pagdaloy.

            “It’s okay, Sol. I’m here. It’s okay...” Beatus held me tightly.