7 years later

Chapter 1-2

Hayden was completely dumbfounded. He saw Lana as she stood there across from him. He heard her voice, but the words only reached him sluggishly, in a drawl. The vast darkness that had held him captive for the last two hours was beginning to fade, but the enduing panic that took its place was even worse. He desperately strove to fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

‘But the box… the ring…’ he stammered desolately as it slowly became clear to him what he had done.

‘Oh, yes, the ring,” Lana exhaled with resignation. ‘Veronique’s engagement ring. My brother had bought it, but he only wanted to give it to her on her birthday. Well, yes, he wanted to ask my opinion. He wanted to know whether I liked it, and if I thought Veronique would like it as well.’ As she looked at Hayden standing there, broken and astonished, disappointment and pain filled her heart to the brim. She looked at him reproachfully. ‘And you see me with a man who shows me a piece of jewellery, and you immediately jump to the conclusion that…’ She could not continue, her voice broke with emotion.

Hayden groped his hair with despair and dropped his head onto his chest. As it slowly dawned on him what had happened, he was filled with ice cold fright. He could read obvious hurt and outrage in her eyes, and he knew she was right. He couldn’t feel much relief over the explanation of who the unknown man had been, because he knew he had made a critical mistake. He had screwed up again! He had treated Lana rudely, even though he had sworn every morning never to offend her again in this life. He started to walk up and down anxiously, cursing the whole situation. He cursed the misunderstanding that had interfered with their lives again. He cursed himself, his suspicious nature for letting him be overcome with blind jealousy. He felt he had gone too far, he had lost his temper. He saw that he had lost control over himself again. Instead of thinking it through soberly, he made a big scene like some lunatic. He rubbed his temples with his fingers, not daring to look at her. Finally, he began to speak with bitterness.

‘If I could only explain. Oh, Lana! There’s no bigger fool in the universe than me. I was totally devastated when I thought I had to spend another night in Dublin. I had given up all hope that I would see you today. I didn’t hope to get back at all, when this opportunity came with the private jet. I was nearly beside myself with happiness, and when I got here, I ran to you like a madman. And when it turned out that you were not here, I had no idea what to do.’

‘Oh Hayden,’ Lana moaned helplessly.

‘Then some strange feeling pulled me to Zafferano. And then I saw you. You sat there, with him, and it all seemed so confidential, so intimate. Then I… for me, the world ceased to exist. Again.” He sank to one of the steps and buried his face into his palms. ‘I was pulled further and further into this whirlpool, and it pulled me deeper and deeper – just like back then. And then there was only the pain and disappointment left – then the anger and the thirst for revenge.’ He looked up at her in agony. He was completely shattered. ‘I’m unspeakably sorry for all I’ve said. I’m truly sorry, Lana. I screwed up again.’

She nervously began to walk up and down.

‘The worst is that it’s not only about tonight. But seriously, Hayden,’ she looked at him sharply, spreading her arms, ‘have I ever been unfaithful to you while we were together? Have I ever cheated on you? Have I ever flirted with other men?’ she leaned closer to him, while he just shook his head with frustration. ‘I can’t recall any occasion when I gave you cause for jealousy. Isn’t that so? Answer me!’ she raised her voice.

‘It’s true,’ he said and lowered his head in defeat.

‘And yet you treat me like some s**t who runs from one man’s bed to the next, and who cannot be trusted.’

‘Don’t say that!’ he moaned.

‘And yet it’s f*****g true,’ she raised her arms, then dropped them beside her body. Tiredly, she dug into her hair, and continued with a deep sigh. ‘You don’t trust me, Hayden. I don’t think you ever will. The very first time a dubious situation arises, when you should trust me, what do you do? You immediately believe the worst about me. What does this mean, then, about us?’

Hayden’s heart sank when he saw how offended Lana was.

‘Lana,’ he moaned her name with agony.

‘You know what?’ she laughed out bitterly. ‘I don’t even think you can do anything about it. With our past, with everything that we have been through, I don’t think it would be possible for us to establish a healthy relationship.’

He looked at her in anguish. He was helpless. He saw no way out. He was terrified by what he also felt: that Lana was right.

‘I have forgiven the past. I swear to you that I have done everything in my power to leave it behind me. You must believe that I don’t blame you any longer!’

‘I believe you.’ She opened her arms with resignation and collapsed beside Hayden on the stairs. As she turned to the side to look at him, her gaze was much tenderer, and the anger had left her voice too. ‘But you see, it’s not really helping us. I really don’t understand it either, but there must be something in me, something that affects you negatively. I always get you into trouble, though I swear it’s the last thing I ever want to do. I keep thinking that I’m doing you good, and then the whole thing just winds up in complete chaos. What’s more, there’s no one in this world who could hurt me and cause me so much pain as you do.’

Hayden continued softly.

‘And there is no one in this world who could cause me as much pain as you can. Whenever I feel that I’m losing you, I lose control over myself. I fight, and I wrestle, and destroy everything around me. When I am with you, Lana,’ he reached for her hand expectantly, and she allowed him to fold their fingers together, ‘I feel heavenly happiness. I have never in my life craved for anybody the way I crave for you.’ He swallowed audibly as he finally was able to look into Lana’s eyes and saw the tears he had caused to fall. ‘But I have never been so distraught because of anyone but you. I hurt you again, unjustly, because I thought that you too were tricking me, and I felt my heart would be torn out of its place. And I don’t know what to say. I thought I would never have to ask this again, but… forgive me!’

Lana shook her head helplessly. Her anger had died down, and it was replaced by deep sadness and cluelessness.

‘I’m not… angry with you,’ she continued, hanging her head. ‘But we are like two immature teenagers. This won’t lead anywhere.’

Hayden closed his eyes tight and clasped his hands around his head. He dreaded what was coming, because Lana’s words sounded too resigned, and it felt like she was going to say something final. He had no idea what he would do if Lana was to break up with him. He didn’t have a plan B. And he couldn’t even blame her if she wanted to do that, as he had obviously acted like a savage.

‘I think we’re both scared to take the risk again. I think we’re both afraid that we’ll be disappointed and we’ll cause suffering again,’ she said, lifting her eyes to the sky, sighing. ‘It’s all too complicated. I just don’t know…’

The truth was, Hayden knew all too well what he wanted. For ten years, ever since he met Lana, he had known what he wanted, but the time wasn’t right to talk sentimental nonsense. After what he had just done, he stood a good chance that she would give him a good kick in the arse.

Lana stood up and began to chew on her nails with nervousness. When he stood up too and lifted his appealing eyes on her, she quickly looked away. Tell her. Come on, tell her you i***t! – He urged himself, because he felt that things were getting out of his hand. He just couldn’t let it end. I would die if he lost her again.

‘Lana, I –‘ he began, but she started talking at the same time.

‘This won’t work, Hayden. I thought things might take a different turn this time, but you can’t trust me, and feel like I can’t control these ups and downs between us. For me, this is too… much. Too intense,’ she shook her head, and the lump in her throat was so big, she could hardly swallow.

Hayden’s face turned white as a sheet. He sensed that he was late.

‘It’s best if we… simply remain friends,’ she breathed almost inaudibly.

Hayden stared at her dumbfounded, motionless. Friends? For real? Suddenly, he didn’t know what to think of this idea. This option hadn’t even come up in his head. Lana Bell was the last woman on the planet whom he wanted just as a friend. Her lover? Her boyfriend? Fiancé? Husband? Hell, yes. Just her friend? No way, damn it.

‘Friends?’ he moaned with shock.

‘Yes. That way, the issue is not too complicated, and there’ll be no more misunderstandings between us,’ she shrugged, although her heart was full of doubt. ‘You’re free, and I’m free,” Lana continued, thinking how much she loathed being free and how she loathed the idea of setting Hayden free.

This was, however, the best solution she could think of. Hayden’s wild blaming made her heart bleed, and she could have screamed at the thought that he couldn’t trust her, yet, she was unable to fully let him go. She thought that if she allowed things to continue between them as they had been, then they would totally burn each other up. It seemed that romantic love wasn’t working between them, but she couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again, either. Friendship was the solution, the way in-between. At least, she tried to convince herself that it could work.

‘Freedom,’ he repeated dizzily. ‘You mean, we would still meet, we won’t demand explanations for anything, and we’ll stand beside each other like friends should?’

‘Yes,” she agreed, but with every word he uttered, she grew more and more uncertain.

They looked at one another sadly, listening to the noises of the night, and trying to figure out how to go on. Hayden was confused, although he had to admit, he had come out of the mess much better than he had deserved. This friends issue was still better than if Lana never wanted to see him again. Even though he hadn’t the foggiest how it would work in practice, he didn’t have a choice.

‘I’m glad we sorted this out,’ he said awkwardly, kicking at the stone railing, hands in his pockets.

‘Yes, I’m glad too,’ Lana replied with little conviction, and shivered, as if she was cold.

Hayden moved to put his arm around her waist and pull her closer with an automatic protective gesture, but then he remembered that he could not. If he embraced her and pulled her close, then no rational reasoning in the world could keep him from caressing and kissing her madly right there, in the middle of the street. That, however, was totally not appropriate for friends to do. The ideas and desires that came to life inside him at the mere sight of Lana’s bare skin were light years from the concept of friendship, so he just took a step back and began to observe his shoes.

‘It’d be better for you to go inside. It’s quite late, and I’m afraid you’ll catch a cold,’ he said with a controlled voice, and he had no idea where it had come from.

‘Hmm. You’re right. I’d better go. But you’re soaking wet. Make sure you don’t get pneumonia. You should go home immediately and take a hot bath!’ she said, and when she saw that Hayden was staring at the cleavage of her black top, slowly l*****g his lower lip, she blushed.

Well done, Lana! Any other suggestions for him to get n***d? – she rolled her eyes mentally, because the image of a n***d, wet-skinned Hayden didn’t help her in the least to deepen friendly feelings for him. She quickly turned her head and began to look for her keys in embarrassment.

‘All the best, then,’ she mumbled, wondering if she should embrace him, or maybe kiss him goodbye. Definitely not a good idea, she decided quickly, and sending a puzzled little smile in his direction, she starting climbing the steps.

‘I’ll call you,’ he said uncertainly, and she gave him a nod.

Her hands were trembling so much that she could hardly put the key into the hole. In the corner she spotted a withering rose bouquet, and immediately guessed that Hayden must have brought it that evening. She looked back at the man who was still standing there, hands in his pockets, dejected. Crying clasped her throat, but she didn’t want to collapse in front of him. She stopped looking and walked up to the lift with shaky knees. Reaching her floor, as if carrying weights of lead, she entered her flat. She locked the door, kicked off her shoes, and dropped herself onto the sofa. Then she numbly stared into nothingness for a long time.