Learning how to live again

Chapter 2 - Home is the same but not.

Two weeks later, I was driving on Main Street and only had three turns to get to the house I grew up in. I was running on coffee and fumes. I hadn’t eaten much as my stomach ached. I hadn’t been home in so long. Aunt Mary always came to see me, spending days shopping, going to broadway shows, museums and eating food my aunt made. I had thought it weird when she hadn’t come to see me in the last year. She said she was busy with her volunteer work.

When I pulled up to the home I grew up in. There was a wrap around porch with white spindles. There was a brick walkway leading to steps leading up to the porch. On the porch were some plants and two wooden rocking chairs. The house had two levels, long huge windows with blue shutters. It also had a light blue/grey tin roof. There was a white picket fence surrounding a well manicured yard. On the left side of the house was a one car garage and driveway. There were three cars in the driveway. The first car was a blue Chevrolet that had a number of rust spots, it had seen better days. The next car was a new bright red convertible BMW bug. The last one was a huge blue Doge Ram truck with four doors.

I parked my bright blue Subaru Outback on the street. I grabbed my purse and stepped out of the car and closed the door. I stood there and took a big deep breath. I could smell the flowers in the yard and hear the waves crashing on the shore behind the house. I walked up the steps and opened the door. I stepped inside. Winnie was standing in the kitchen on the house phone attached to the wall. She had a pair of blue capris with a bright pink t-shirt. Her blonde hair was perfectly curled and was short. Her makeup and nails were expertly done. She was after all a lady.

I waved at her. She smiled at me and put a finger up indicating she would be a minute. I walked over to an open doorway on the far side of the house. I peaked in. Aunt Mary lay in a hospital bed with an oxygen tube up her nose. Her eyes were closed. Her hair was short where the last time I had seen her it had been down to her back and dark brown. The cancer had aged her a lot. She looked older than her 54 years. In the corner in a dark wooden rocking chair sat an older black woman with braided hair. She had a heart shaped face and a huge smile. “You must be Elizabeth. Mary has told me so much about you. You are her pride and joy.” She was dressed in hospital scrubs, so I assumed she was my aunt’s nurse. “Thank you,” I whispered.

My aunt’s eyes fluttered open. “Eliza! How was the drive?” I walked over to my aunt’s bed, and I reached out to hold her hand. “It was ok. I never stopped except for coffee and gas,” I took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. I wrapped my arms around my aunt. There wasn’t much to her. I thought she must not even weigh 100 pounds.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked as tears filled my eyes. “I didn’t want to worry you. I thought I’d be better with the treatments, but they didn’t work,” Mary divulged. “I didn’t want you to see me like this, but Winnie said I couldn’t let you find out once I’m gone. It won’t be fair.” Mary was winded. She seemed to struggle breathing. I could hear wheezing. I looked my aunt in the eyes and said “I love you. Thank you for loving me and raising me. Now is my time to take care of you.” My aunt squeezed my hand. The nurse came up to my aunt and turned up the level on the oxygen. “I’m Betty.” She said reaching to shake my hand. “I think she needs to rest now.”

I left the room. Winnie wasn’t in the kitchen, but I noticed the sliding glass door was open. On the back porch, Winnie was sitting in an Adirondack chair with iced tea in a mason jar. There were two other iced teas on the table.

I noticed a guy standing just below the stairs to the deck on a cell phone. He had short blonde hair that was longer on top and shaved on the sides. He was dressed in jeans and a red t-shirt He had an athlete's physic. Stocky shoulders, thick arms and nice assets to be admired. The jeans seemed to fit him perfectly. He seems familiar, I thought.

“Jake Smith?” The words slipped out. I’m jinxed. This move has been complicated enough but to run into the man that broke my heart 10 years ago. Jake had been the love of my life. We were together for three years. He had all my firsts. First kiss, first date, first everything. We had known each other since we were about 7 years old. We always had a plan. A list of things we wanted to do and goals.

As teens, Jake pushed for me to study. His goal was to go to He wanted us to go to college together. We had been joined at the hip as kids. As teens, we held each other’s hands and hearts.

Days after our high school graduation, Jake and I had our first and only argument. He didn’t want me to go to ColumbiaUniversity in New York City. He told me he thought the college was too big, too far away and he worried about the crime. “I have a full ride,” I said “No where else I applied offered so much help. I don’t have any other options.” Jake turned to me. “I think we should breakup. I’m staying here and getting a job.” Jake said sounding like he was mad at me. “Jake,” I whisper. “I’ll be back every holiday and the summers. It will be hard but when we put our minds to something, we can do anything.”

Jake had never raised his voice to me before. “No, I am not gonna wait around for you to dump me.” He screamed at me. “Good riddance. Don’t call me, e-mail or anything.” He stomped off to his old green Ford Escort and slammed the door and raced off. It would be the last time I saw him. I stood there for awhile wondering what the heck happened. I had tears streaming down my face. My best friend and boyfriend shattered my heart and the life I thought we had planned out.

When I hadn’t heard from Jake for a week I’d driven to his mom’s apartment. The apartment building was in rough shape. Jake always told me he didn’t want me coming here. It wasn’t safe. Jake’s mom, Linda answered the door. She looked like she hadn’t brushed her long blonde hair in a long time. Her clothes were disheveled and hadn’t been changed in days maybe weeks. told me he was gone. He joined the military. You will never see him again, honey. You were just a distraction, an interruption, a bump in the road.” She blew cigarette smoke into my face then slammed the door in my face. A few months later, my aunt told me Jake’s mom died of an apparent drug overdose.

I never understood what prompted the argument. I thought he just wanted to get away from his mother’s drug use and poor decision making. He’d never talked about going into the military. I would have supported his decision. I would have written to him and called. We could have made a go of it. I didn’t understand it. I just couldn’t wrap my head around loosing my best friend.

The entire summer, I religiously checked the mail. Hoping I’d get a letter from Jake. That he would apologize. I mourned the loss. I spent my time reading on the porch or working at the local daycare. I am not sure I ever got over the heartbreak.

“What are you doing here?” I asked Jake. I saw him turn his head with his most charming megawatt smile and twinkle in his blue eyes. The one all the girls in our high school talked about. “Hey man I’ll call you later.” He said and turned towards me and walked up the stairs really slowly and grabbing the rail. He seemed to be struggling walking. He lifted his pant leg showing a prosthesis. “I lost my hand and part of my leg by an IED in Iraq.”

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t imagine what he had been going through. “None of that.” Jake muttered wrapping his arms around me. I put my head on his shoulder just like I use to do. He smelled of peppermint and sandalwood. His arms felt like I’d just finally found my home again after 10 long years. I closed my eyes for a minute and savored his scent, the warmth and comfort.

I pulled myself out of his arms thinking he isn’t mine anymore. I then went and sat in a whicker chair. Winnie was seated on the other end. That left the whicker couch for Jake. “I haven’t slept in two days.” I stated. Winnie looks startled. “Why didn’t you stop for the night?” She asked. “I just wanted to get here and be with Aunt Mary.”

Winnie got up and walked over to me. “Come on, time for bed then,” she said pulling me to my feet. I looked over at Jake. “Bye.” I mumbled.

Winnie led me up the stairs like I was a child. She pulled one of my sleep shirts out of my dresser that I’d had forever. It was pink and had Garfield on it. The writing on it said I don’t do mornings. Winnie kissed me and closed the door behind her. I had a full bed with a pink comforter with white daisies. After changing, I pulled the comforter and white sheets out and climbed into bed. I closed my eyes and fell right to a dreamless sleep.