For you, I hope the grass is greener

Chapter 19 Figuring It Out

Daphne's POV

The kids decided that they just want their friends and distraction, so they leave without a second thought but I made sure to tell them that if they can't handle school right now that's its ok to come home.. I'm taking a day off after everything yesterday. I also called their school to warn them about their grandmother's passing just in case they are upset or they hear anything involving an attitude from my babies.

I huff out finally gathering the energy and strength to wander through each room and throw things of my husband's into multiple boxes to get out of my sight.. I'll just hope that he wants to take them so I won't ever have to look at any of his things again.

But that's just wishful thinking at this rate because I don't know when I will talk to him again. I know it's going to happen but I don't want to call him right now and I don't think I should be going to him, I think he should be coming to me if anything. He is the one that hurt me.. not the other way around. But I have had a lot of time to think about what I want to ask or say and there are some things I need to know for my own sanity.

I look through his closet, smelling his shirts and enjoying this one last time before I box it all up. I have to do this for my own peace of mind. I stare at each shirt that has different meanings to him or us, before folding it and putting it away.

But with every single shirt comes the unprovoked thoughts of... Did he wear this shirt I got him, with her? What about this suit, or the shirt my kids got him for his birthday? or was it a casual thing that he wore his under armor shirts while on a 'run'... What was the extent of the relationship? was it just a fling or an actual relationship? I didn't recognize a shirt as I stared down at it.. wondering if it has to do with her and that's why I don't recognize it or if it's just a newer shirt I haven't washed much at all because he hasn't worn it very much.

The plaguing thoughts are there, now ingraved in the back of my mind and won't seem to leave me alone.. They are making this transition so much harder than it needs to be. I keep packing up one box after the next until I see he has multiple items on the top of the closet, where I can't normally reach.

I waddle around with my still sore ankle but pushing through the tinges of pain to get this done. I grab the step stool out as I slowly get up to the top step, leaning on my good foot to get on my tippy toes and reach up, hitting the box with my fingertips over and over again until it drops and falls into my hands.

I get down before opening it up, just to see some folded up papers inside. I know I shouldn't look through his private things like this. That's just not what I do.. but there is a nagging inside of me to do so with these particular papers. I open them up as my heart drops again.. the same feeling as before, just reemerging.. these are divorce papers.. and the date imprinted on them is from over a year ago.

My eyes water up at that thought.. knowing he has been this unhappy for this long and never even let on or said a word to me about it.. I could have tried to change something, but he never gave me the chance to try to save the relationship.. here I am thinking it's perfect as he is completely miserable wanting something else.. he has probably been emotionally checked out for so long that those details create another shooting pain inside of me that makes me want to punch a hole in the wall.. No wonder he cheated.

He should have told me.. he should have given us a fighting chance or just given up right there.. why let me waste my time with him when he knew the entire time that everything I did didn't matter because he never wanted us to succeed.. he always had one foot out of the door.. so he never gave us a real chance to get through this.

I wonder what changed his mind? Was it because he was unhappy and then found this girl? Or did he find this girl and want to be single to be with her? The endless wondering of why this happened is hurting even worse.. it's making me feel like my heartbeat is in my head, thumping with my heart that's throbbing at the same moment.

I sit on the floor of my closet, crying to myself until a thundering is heard on my front door. I wipe my eyes as I slowly get up and walk through the house. I get to my front floor and look to see it's my husband. I let out a deep breath as another round of thundering on the door is heard. I reach out not knowing if I should open the door, but before I can make that decision, he takes out his key and opens it up, swinging the door open just to expose me holding the papers.

His mouth dropped open since he probably never expected me to be right here. "I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone was home since no one answered, and I just figured I could get more of my things." He says to me as his eyes drift to the papers in my hands. He swallows the lump in his throat as he says. "You found those, huh?"

I nod at him as I suck in a sharp breath. "Yea, I was packing up your things and saw the box they were in.. and so I looked at the papers.. why didn't you ever tell me you were this unhappy?" I ask him point blank as his eyes water with his mouth agape, not wanting to answer, but he knows as much as I do that I deserve some answers.

"I didn't know how to tell you.. I love you, Daph.. I'm just not in love with you anymore. How am I supposed to tell you that? You're the most caring and sweet person I have ever met. How am I supposed to hurt you because my feelings are changing? It's not your fault I'm changing.. But.. I knew from last year about my feelings, and I knew if I told you that you would try to fix things to make us better.. but I knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to still be with you, let alone fix anything between us.. I just didn't want the relationship with you anymore.. I love you as a person because I know how amazing you are, but I didn't love you sexually anymore." He explains as I feel like he is ripping my heart right out of my chest and bashing it against the wall to smash into a million pieces.

"So that's why you couldn't stay hard when we tried to have sex.. and that's why you never wanted to have s*x with me anymore." I declare as he sadly nods. "I'm sorry, I really am.. I just couldn't do this anymore... I'm not happy.. I'm just living the life I felt that was expected of me, and it's not the life I want." He says to me sucking the air right from my lungs.

"Was it me? Something I did?" I ask him, needing to know for my own hearts sake. He vigorously shakes his head. "I swear it's not you.. You're an amazing mother and partner, always being the support I always needed.. I just.. like I said before.. I.. I don't love you like that anymore.. you went from my lover to my best friend, and I haven't been able to transition back.. I will always love you. I just want to try other things with other people because I don't love you like that anymore." He explains, and I can tell he is being honest by the genuine tone and look in his eyes, showing the heartbreak with how hard this really is, for not just me, but him as well.

"Was it the other woman? that changed your mind about everything?" I ask breathlessly, knowing I shouldn't ask, but I have to know how long this was and if she was the main reason for his feelings taking this turn. He shakes his head eithout hesitation. "No, I felt like this before I even met her.. she has nothing to do with that unhappiness in me.. because you need to realize it's not you it's me.. I was the one unhappy. I was the one wanting something different in my life.. it's me.. You're amazing, just not want I want anymore.. and any man will be lucky to have you." He declares as if I am more than willing to move on just as easily as he has.. that's not what I want right now.. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else.

"I don't want to be in a relationship." I declare to him as his eyes sadden. "I want you to be happy.. with someone else." I shake my head, not wanting that right now.. I know that seeing me with someone else would make this transition easier on him.. but I won't force myself into something to make him happy.. if he wants to move on so easily, then he can.. but I'm not ready to start something else up.

He gets a guilty look on his face as he quickly looks away. "So.. this woman.. Who is she? Is she your girlfriend? How long has this been going on?" I inquire of him now just beating my heart up more than I should, but this curiosity is already killing me, so why stop now.

"I met her at the coffee shop a couple of days ago.. and we just talked for hours.. we talked every day since, and she makes me laugh and smile all the time. we have so much in common that I can literally talk to her about anything, and she gets it.. it's amazing." He says with so much enthusiasm showing how much he cares for this woman as he just gushes over his feelings for her.

I want to be mad knowing how her eyes made him forget all about mine.. how her smile made him smile bigger than with me... how this stranger became more with him than he was with me, causing him to step out of character.. how willing he is to leave it all for her.. I want to be mad, but I know he is a special man who treats women well before all of this and is such a catch... so as much as I would hate to admit it, I think that means she must be a catch as well.

I want to hate him and her, but I can't.. all I have wanted is for him to be happy, and if he has to be with her to do it, then I hope it works out for him.. I hate how I really don't hate him at all. I understand things from her angke as well.. he got my attention. So I know he is getting other people attention.. I just thought he was on the same level as I am, but obviously not.. and that's ok because I'm not letting him bring me down.. I will be ok without him, and the strength in my heart tells me that I can do this.

"I'm happy for you." I say to him as the smile breaks instantly into a frown. "I'm sorry... I love you... I just." I shake my head, putting my hand up instantly, I do not want to listen to his explanation that's supposed to ease my pain. "It's ok... it's ok... Um... I guess I'll keep the house and kids.. but I won't keep them from you.. I just figure with your job having you travel and work all the time, you might not be able to take care of them as much as I can." I say, trying to change the subject, and he instantly nods his head, looking like a bobblehead.

"You know they will always pick you, to be with you over me.. especially when I talk to them about exactly why I'm leaving.. I know they know the gist, but I need them to hear my side of things.. just please don't hate me." He begs as if he doesn't believe my genuine feelings of wanting him to be happy. I reach over, touching his hand gently as I say calmly, looking in his eyes.

"I will be ok... I love you so much, Danny, and all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy... and... apparently, I can't do that for you anymore.. but I'm happy that she can.. she must be special." I say as my voice cracks between the words, letting tears fall as I add on to try to reassure myself and him. "I just want you to be happy, and I hope she can make you happy like you deserve.. I wish you the best... your boxes of clothing are in the room and ready to go." I say as I quickly stand while sending him a small smile as I get up and head outside to give him time to get his things while allowing me time away from him to process all of this.