For you, I hope the grass is greener

Daniel's POV Upbeat music plays and carries across the large room that seems so small to me since it's packed with so many people. Who knew this many people loved us? Well, let's be honest, it's probably mostly love for just my wife. Either way, the music in this room is making the mood an uplifted one as people sway with the beat while staying in their seats. Some finish up their dinners as others drink and talk the night away. The joy and love in this room, that's filled with plesant company, is energizing to most. Being refreshing and much needed to lift up this celebration. But for me, it's completely overwhelming. I had given up on my dinner a while ago, barely eating my perfectly cooked steak and potatoes with steamed veggies. I can't seem to get an appetite for anything lately, even my favorite meals. Especially since finding that my stresses are taking over my entire body and state of mind. The dark ale that fills my belly seems to be the only thing I can keep down. So the buzz is hitting me a little harder than I thought it would at this point. "Dad? Um.. maybe you should slow it down a little." my son strongly suggests as he looks my way, then over to my wife. I think implying I might be too far invested in my drinks and not enough into the celebration at hand. "Oh, it's fine, Andy.. Thank you so much for your concern, but I haven't drank any alcohol at all tonight, so your father won't be driving home.. Please let him relax and have some fun." My wife Daphne declares to our son. He nods at her, but his eyes are glued on me. "Yes, Mom." he softly states, being the responsible and protective boy he is.. Actually, at the age of 16, he is probably more than a boy at this point.. he is a protective, young man. I nod over at him, understanding his worry about my state of mind, so I put the drink down in front of me. "Danny.. it's fine.. drink to your heart's content.. get your fill.. it will be a fun night anyway after we are done here." Daphne whispers into my ear as she gently kisses my temple, but I can't take my eyes from my son's. He still stares at me as if he sees straight through me.. but I hope with all my heart that he doesn't. I look away from him just to send a small smile to my wife. She smiles back before getting up and walking away to chat with some friends and family at this party. But I don't want to get up and socialize. So I stay seated in hopes I won't have to partake in any of this if I don't have to. Or at least partake more than I already have.. because I would have stayed home all together if I had a choice. "Danny.. 17 years.. what a long time to commit to someone, I never expected that from the likes of you. But after every year that has passed, I have slowly become a believer that my baby brother finally learned how to not spoil what good he has in his life and finally satisfied with what he has.. and to say I'm proud of you is a complete understatement. But it's not like you needed much convincing to stick around with a vixen such as your wife, huh? She takes age like a good bourbon.. Only gets better over time," I hear from my older brother, who knows he is the only man who can talk about my wife like this without me murdering him. "Scott.. say one more thing about my wife and how you think she is attractive.. and I will hurt you." I warn him as he scoffs before smacking my back playfully. "Come on, Danny downer, you're so negative tonight.. Besides, I don't think she is just attractive. I have eyes in my head like every person in here and know, without a doubt, that your wife is the definition of spectacular on multiole levels. Not just her curves but even her brain... You're so lucky, little brother.. keep it up.. and I might declare you the luckiest man here." He playfully states knowing I hate it when he talks about my wife and how attractive she is. I know she is. I'm not blind. Doesn't mean I like hearing my brother's drunk ramblings every time we all get together. "Don't make me hurt you.. we are trying to celebrate." I threaten now as he puts his hands up in surrender while stumbling backward. "Alright.. alright.. I'm done.. I guess.. I just wish I was you, that's all.. you always get the better things in life, and I won't ever be able to live it down when I have to see your happiness every year.. but I am happy for you.. Just wish I was you at times.. actually.. all the time." he spats with jealousy laced through his sarcastic words. He turns and walks away with a huff, taking the little bit of enthusiasm I had for this night with him. I roll my eyes thinking about just that.. It's so easy to just take a look into someone's life, from the outside judgemental person looking in, and think for one reason or another that they have it better.. That particular person can travel as much as they want or maybe wherever they choose.. which ends up being the places you always wanted to go and seem to be all over the world... which is exciting to be able to experience new things. Maybe it's not even that.. Maybe it's the fact that they have a better position or possibly get paid more to be able to get more luxuries.. like a bigger house or a better car. Some men I talk with on a regular basis are more jealous of other people and their partners that they have found.. Like how amazing they think that person looks or maybe how they are treated by their significant other.. Internally, wishing they had that type of treatment for themselves. No matter what the source of that green-eyed monster that everyone seems to have.. It will keep coming back until you take care of those thoughts one way or another.. Some people go to therapy and take care of it at the root of the problem. Learning how to appreciate what they have and enjoy the time they are given on this planet.. Others get better jobs, travel the world.. anything to try to take away the thoughts or maybe cravings of wanting something more or different than what they are used to. For me, it doesn't seem to matter if I try to distract myself with new or better jobs.. fun vacations.. better things in my home.. it doesn't ease the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind that are just ringing in my ears about what I could have done differently.. Well, if I tried harder or made better choices in my life, because it could always be better if you look at your life that way. It seems that no matter how hard I work, it's never enough for that green-eyed monster to finally be happy with. I never seem to feel satisfied with what I have, always wanting for more. These impending thoughts that I try to push away seem to come back tenfold and plague the mind almost endlessly.. I'm not letting these thoughts consume my life by any means, I have things to do and stuff to take care of on a daily basis, but they mostly just sit in the back of my mind, popping up whenever they deem necessary.. Which is always at the wrong times.. but even at those inconvenient moments, they still succeed in getting my thoughts running wild. I find myself more often than not, sitting here wondering 'what if' in every aspect of my life.. For example, what if I had accepted that other position across the world, instead of this one, because it was closer to family and friends? What if I had accepted the offer of interning for this small company that ended up becoming something huge and even amazing? When, in the beginning, it was only helping out with my schooling and getting experience, but in a different country. Which would have helped to get a worldly experience in life. Or even, what if I had chosen another partner or maybe no one at all? Living out the ideal single bachelor life. Doing what I want, when I want. These questions endlessly flutter into my brain at the most inconvenient times, making the all-infamous question blare through my mind once more... How would things have been different for me in my life IF I had made different decisions? These questions and thoughts are almost haunting. And like every haunting I have heard of in books or movies that has been ignored for the most part, even though you know it's there.. It seems to have made the presence mad and even more pronounced.. until it seems to be getting aggressively worse. The thoughts happened only every now and then in the beginning, but as time had flown on effortlessly. I realize the presence of those thoughts is occurring more often than I would like to admit. I'm ashamed of my traveling mind and even more ashamed of the thoughts that won't stop. I want to be happy with what I have, but sadly, I am not, and I don't know why. These thoughts are something that could end the only life I have ever known, but could also finally let my life start again like I had dreamed about for a very long time. Maybe I could be happy once again if I had the chance to experience new things and do what I wanted for once.. The sad part is that I don't even know if I was ever happy in the first place.. I would like to imagine I was happy before, but now there's just a part of me that thinks it was just the mask on me as I played the roll that was expected of me.. but maybe not.. Maybe this was all I wanted, but there is something wrong with me in my head that makes me not satisfied with what I have.. including my family. I feel stupid even thinking that I'm not happy with my family, even though every day that passes by, the angrier I get at the endless cycle of fatherly and husband roles, that I can never seem to get away from. But that makes me feel even worse because I have a wonderful, healthy family. My daughter is smart, sweet, and artistic. My son is protective, strong in more ways than one, and very caring. Even my partner is a great match, and anyone would be lucky to have her.. She is a sweet, sensitive, selfless, smart woman. So why do I not feel lucky I have her? or them? I have absolutely no reason why I feel the way I feel, and yet I do.