For you, I hope the grass is greener

Chapter 2 The Perfect Wife

Daniel's POV

I feel my fingertips thumping on the wooden table in front of me as my leg rattles the entire table that we are sitting at. I look up to see that the kids are noticing my irritance for this place and situation, but the unwanted attention is not enough to make me stop. Not enough to keep my mind from traveling off once again, in the most inconvenient moments. This realization is making me madder for so many reasons, but mostly from the influence of all the alcohol in my system during this celebration.

"Happy Anniversary to Daniel and Daphne!" I was brought back from my deep thoughts at the sound of my name being yelled out. I looked out at everyone in this crammed restaurant party room, using all the excitement in their systems from the alcohol and happiness to yell at us, making the kind message echo loudly into our ears. My daughter and son sat directly across from me while clapping and staring at me as if they expected me to do the same. I feel my eyes rolling back as I reluctantly clap, trying to be happy about this dinner I didn't want to attend.. even though it's for me and my wife.

I try not to cringe at the ringing in my ears from the yelling, even though it seems to be too loud to hear anything else. My son is looking at me as if he is disappointed in me, but I haven't done anything yet, but maybe that is the problem. He elbows my daughter sitting right next to him as she instantly looks over at me from his tilting head that is pointed at me nonchalantly. My daughter's smile instantly changes, so she is glaring at me as she points to her cheeks, indicating that I am not smiling and she isn't wrong.

I smile through clenched teeth as I pull my gaze from my daughter's and glance over at my loyal, strong, and still more gorgeous-than-ever wife. Her smile is brighter than the sun, and her dark blue eyes are more alluring than ever as she looks from me to the crowd. Her smile is big, beautiful, and contagious... and no matter how much I hate this night at the moment, I can't help but smile just because of her. Her eyes hold so much happiness that it just seemed to radiate off of her, causing her to look even more stunning, to say the least.

I see in my peripherals that someone is approaching. I turned to look just to see that the restaurant staff are setting up a cake made specially for us and our day, right between my wife and I. My eyes looked at the staff, then the waves of family and friends smiling faces. They look somehow happier than I feel. I stare out, knowing this should be a happy time, but I find myself just wondering where my life has gone.. My youth and happiness had just gone in the blink of an eye.. Years had passed, milestones were accomplished, and things seemed to look too good to be true from my vantage point.

From the outside looking in, my life probably seems perfect. My friends, family, and coworkers all tell me how my life is a goal for them and how jealous they are of our success.. But if this life is so great and all that it makes you strive for, then why do I feel so empty? Why do I crave something different? Why do I just keep running in place while hoping to go farther than I ever have? I think it's because I have felt for a long time like I'm being held back by my family.

This isn't the life I always wanted or dreamt about.. The longer this charade goes on, the older I feel, and the more deprived I feel, like I'm stuck in the same old rut. Now that I have been spending years digging these trenches. I have dug so deep that I'm stuck and not able to get out. I'm hoping for something new to save me from this boring life. I crave something new, exciting, and different than my same, old everyday life.

These endless thoughts about my lack of satisfaction, like my brother had stated before, makes me feel bad because everyone else in my life looks happier than ever.. My kids wake up in a good mood, just succeeding at life and working hard every day in school.. They're the ideal kids that anyone would ask for.. They never really argue with us or each other and have the best personalities. I don't get to see my kids as much as I would like because I travel a lot for work. But what I do get to spend with them is fun.

Same for my wife.. She is a wonderful woman who has been dedicated to me and our family we made together since the moment we decided to be together.. She has dedicated every last bit of her heart, body, and soul to me, and eventually, our whole little family. Waking up every day with a smile on her face, even if it's just a fake smile, to help it emerge into a genuine one that makes sure myself and the kids are happy, then she does it.

Even being there for every single one of us, mentally and physically, while exhausted from her work life and mothering every day like a boss does.. She still somehow gets up every day and takes care of everything without fail.. but how? It's baffling, to say the least. She is always cleaning and cooking while working her ass off and being the most dedicated mom they could've asked for. She is an amazing woman, so it shocks me to even think that I don't love her like I used to anymore.

When I look at her, I see the best genuine person in my life and on this planet.. There is so much love for the person that she is and has become over time by taking each hard situation thrown at her and evolving.. She is amazing in every sense of the word.. But I don't have the attractions like I used to for her. I don't look at her and say that's who I want physically for the rest of my life, I just look at her and say, what a great person my best friend is.

That's NOT how it should be.. I have been regretting s*x with her when she has initiates it, time and time again, because it doesn't feel right for me anymore.. She is such an attractive woman, but I just don't want her like that anymore.. It's getting to the point that I'm starting to avoid her in every aspect, and when I can't avoid her, I easily get annoyed with her antics that used to make me smile.. Like her dirty jokes, she makes about everything I do.. Or the incessant talking she does about everything with her little facts on every subject.. Or the constant cleaning and helping everyone with everything she does.

I find myself snapping at her out of impatience with her quirkiness, and she doesn't deserve that.. So I feel awful while continuing to push myself away, closing myself off just so I don't hurt her more than I already have. But I know that's probably hurting her even more. I'm just hoping it will help dilute the love she has for me so that when I can figure out how to leave, it won't hurt her so badly.

I even got the divorce papers and filled them out.. That's how far gone I have been, but I can't get myself to give them to her.. I know this will break her heart because we have a genuine love for one another. That love hasn't changed, just my attractions and what I want in life has. But nothing that she has done has changed that for me. I just don't know how to relay that to her without breaking her heart. It's easier said than done.

So I just keep pulling the packet of papers out of my secret stash spot to stare at them when I'm annoyed with Daphne, but then I change my mind every time. I know I need to do this for not just my sake but hers as well. I know that I can't keep stringing her along, letting her think everything is ok when I know it's not.. I even think the kids know that I'm done with this area in my life.. They have seen the fights I start for no reason or the silence when I am home. they have called me out on it multiple times and I never knew what to even say to them. But they know their mother is blameless for all of this and I won't deny it.

They stopped asking me what's wrong since I won't give them a genuine answer and they knew it.. So they now just glare at me when I'm ignoring their mother or snapping at her to make myself feel better. I just keep hoping she will get frustrated which will lead to giving up and making the plunge for the divorce for me, so I won't have to because I'm scared.. I'm terrified.. I just can't get the guts to intentionally break the heart of the most kind-hearted person on this entire planet.

It's tougher than you would think.. I know starting fights and ignoring her is hurting her anyway, but it is a smaller hurt than the heartbreak I would cause by bringing in those papers. Plus, I know this will have horrible repercussions with our kids and my family.. I don't want my kids to hate me. I just want to be able to love them from afar like I always have done with my traveling job. But keeping it that way every day. I just can't handle being a father like they want me to and I know it.

Besides, I know it doesn't make this whole ordeal ok, but I have always known that she won't be alone and will have support to make sure she will be ok after this is all said and done.. I won't have any of that, which is scary because I know how the tables will turn against me when this is unveiled, but I need to do it anyways. So I'll just have to figure out how to rip off that bandaid to start this process.

I do know for a fact that my kids, my family, and even our friends love her more than me or even anyone.. My family has even told me a million times over, about how she is too good for me and how lucky I am.. and I knew it, too. They weren't trying to be mean to me. They were being honest and believe me, I get it. This woman is a saint, dedicating her open time to go to the homeless shelters while making blankets to pass out to them in the cold months.. even somehow having the time to fix anything for the kids that they need while trying to help with their schooling if she can. She is a real-life superhero. On top of her nursing position where she is actually helping people in need on a daily basis.

So, my family has always been in my ear to make sure I never forget about how amazing she is and how lucky I am for finding her years ago. They always warned me not to mess this up, and I promised I never would.. and I haven't yet, but I feel that my feelings are straying away from her and our relationship, to the point that this is the step under messing this whole thing up.. I feel I have already messed this up by letting things go on for this long.. but I never knew how to end it.. and eventually, I was just not attracted to her anymore. I love her, but not that way.