Stellam Matutinam

Facing the Music

"You sure you don't want one?" I offer with the bong in hand stretching in her direction, her head shaking before she's holding up a deck of cigarettes beside her.

"I only smoke these, but drink a heap of piss so it makes up for me not being into drugs." she states casually as she takes one out and gets up to head out to the balcony.

"Don't stress just smoke in here, I'll buy air freshener s**t tomorrow before I leave." I inform while motioning for her to sit back down.

Doing so her arse just hits the seat before her phone begins ringing, a deep sigh sounding in the back of her throat as she looks at the caller I.D.

"Hang on I'll only be a second." she explains in a mumble then gets up to head for a quieter part of the house.

Not wanting to turn the music down so she doesn't think I'm listening in, I still feel rude that she had to leave the room anyway, a sigh of my own escaping past my lips when our make out session in her car comes back to remind me and for a second I'm taking a few sips of my can to try and erase the images.

I can't, not when I'll be seeing Luca soon. If I want to know more about him and earn his trust in more ways than one, then I have to make this the last time I f**k around with Nessa only because I don't want this getting to him in any way.

Call me paranoid because of the drugs, but I kind of care what Luca thinks about me and if he finds out in any way that I'm still f*****g with one of them when he meets them later down the track, then he will leave for sure thinking I was only using him.

I legit cannot lose what I have with him, even if it means losing Nessa and Josh in the process. Yes I said I need my space to figure out on what I'm going to say, but Luca's playing it smart by making no advances and keeping his own distance due to his own f****d up s**t, hence the reason why I'm now slowly becoming unfazed by telling the both that I no longer want to sleep with them.

Fuck me, it's not like I have to settle down now and choose one, but it's just every time I think about getting with one, I worry about pissing off and upsetting the other no matter how much they lie to my face and tell me they will be cool with who I choose.

But by the way things are looking right now. I'm saying my last goodbyes to both of them. Not sure with Nessa but with Josh it will be on his birthday. It will suck for him but he at least will be happy to know I came to his birthday, me on the other hand I'll be upset I'm avoiding two people that make me happy all because of a gut feeling and a rumour that they're playing me. Only I know in the long run it will be the best thing for me if I value Luca's trust.

Maybe if I do come clean to Luca and tell him my situation, he will be able to help me. Ugh I doubt it though. He honestly would wipe me for sure and whatever trust he had built with me will certainly crumble.

Not wanting to think about it Nessa comes back just in time to distract me from my mental battle and emotional c*****e raging around inside, a forced smile making its way to my lips when she collapses down next to me a little annoyed by something I assumed was said on the phone.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh f*****g Nia rang. She wants to know what we're doing and asked if she could bring Josh and Lissa around for a drink since we don't have work tomorrow now. So the girls thought it would be a good idea to come over and bring Josh. Are you going to be okay wi-"

"It really is fine, I have to face him one way or another so why not now? I'll talk to him and sort s**t out with him and let the guy also know I'm coming to his party if he would want that." I explain over her with a small smile only in my head I'm rethinking how my last goodbyes to them are going to go down.

As I said I'm only saying goodbye for now because I need my space. It's not like I'm avoiding them, but I also won't go out of my way to contact them. But at work it'll be hard considering Nessa works there, though it's also a good thing since I'm technically seeing her in a way so she can't get upset with that.

Josh will be hard since Nia and Lissa would want to bring him along, but they're just going to have to learn that when I'm having my break from them after my last goodbyes to them, they will just have to come without him and Nessa.

I'd be more than happy to hang out with the both of them after all of this is over, though sadly it will be strictly at family functions only and maybe the odd occasional birthday. Other than that I'll be working on myself as well as throwing myself hard into my job.

Luca can come at a later stage once I've finished sorting out the s**t with Nessa and Josh.

"Alright well thanks Lil for being so cool about everything. I don't know how I would feel in your situation." she murmurs over the rim of her can then takes a lengthy sip.

"Trust me, it isn't easy but it's manageable on some days." I smirk before a weird snorted chuckle sounds in the back of my throat.

Her hand on my knee also lets me know she's moving a bit closer when more contact is made on the shoulder and arm with her own, thigh to thigh and heads just inches apart.

"I really am sorry for everything I've been putting you through, I just-the first day I met you I couldn't shake your face from my memory nor your name. I wanted to know more about you as well as see if you were interested in girls as well. But I feel that every time I make an advance you're going to be thinking about your-"

"I'm getting stronger at blocking it out now I'm out of my old surroundings. It was hard when I was fresh in this town, but it's gotten a bit better now that I've warmed up to you and your family. Don't get me wrong I'll always have my moments but I'm learning to defeat them each and every day." I confess over her and drop my head to my head to where her hand's currently resting on my knee, my subtly shaky hand lying on top of hers and wrapping my three fingers between the pinkie and thumb underneath the L shape in her hand.

"You don't have to say that to make me feel be-"

"I'm not, believe me."

"So what now?"

"I don't know, I thought we were drinking?"

Placing her can down she does the same with mine in my still empty grip wondering where the can has gone.

Confused for a second she is quick to cup the side of my face and place her lips ever so softly on mine, the kiss deepening quicker than I thought it would even on my end until we're lying back and she's nestled comfortably between my legs.

Taking a moment to look up at her large nut brown pools frantically searching mine wondering why we've stopped, I use my free hand that isn't under her shirt to tuck a loose strand of that nearly black hair I still can't decide on what it is before her lips are back on mine once again.

Feeling them travel from my lips to down the side of my neck, they soon move all over the other side until they're back on my swollen lips, the adrenaline having a field day kicking up a storm on the inside and causing my hands to clench at her clothing in favour of trying to steady them.

I don't want her thinking she's scaring me.

Noticing that she's taking it slow with her hands, I step outside of my boundaries by grabbing her hand and showing her where she can touch, her breath hitching with excitement as a subtle gasp sounds in the back of her throat when she feels my hand head for the waistband of her denim jeans.

Cutting her off before she can speak with my lips and continuing until I feel my finger slide in, we're almost falling off of the couch when there's a knock sounding at the front door coupled with the laughter of Nia and Lissa.

"f**k!" Nessa growls into the side of my neck when I'm forced to remove my hand along with her fingers leaving me.

"Don't worry, we can finish it later I mean we were only getting started remember?" I grin as we prepare ourselves on the way to answering the door together.

Okay so maybe Nessa's last goodbye is tonight. I just hope Josh doesn't try and ruin that in any way shape or form since I already have him planned.

"Hey! Sorry we took so long, I was on the phone and Lil was wrapping up a piss." Nessa lies quickly in unison with putting me on the spot, the girls giggling on their way in and as they close the door behind them and stand around so we're in a sort of circle.

"Thanks man. Really needed that, but yes, I had to use the toilet if it really interests you all?" I sigh with a grin tugging the corners of my mouth and eyes giving Nia's outfit a quick glance over since she's the closest to me.

Liking her dark skinnies with the fraying holes in the knees, I also don't mind her plain black turtle neck she has to go with the thick sea weed green jacket over the top, her new appearing black and white Converses catching my eyes more due to the brightness of them against the rest of her outfit that hides her hourglass figure.

Her thick dirty brown hair isn't as curly as it usually is when I see her. It's more on the wavy side with her fair skin a bit pasty thanks to the lack of sun there's been lately only her sky blue eyes are as piercing as ever. As if she's managed to capture a hot summer's day sky in her eyes.

Her face is clean of makeup completely to let her natural beauty shine which I silently envy her for considering I'm now starting to breakout in a couple of pimples I've had to hide with makeup.

It just means that I need to calm down on the drugs and eat better instead of just drinking energy drinks and eating a sandwich every fourth day.

"No not really." Josh sniggers and instantly I'm grinning smugly at him once I've hugged Nia and Lissa's next to receive one.

"Hey shithead, you come back to annoy me again have you?" I start off with the smugness still laid on thick with each word that pours from my mouth, Josh clearly a little confused about how I'm reacting now considering I couldn't wait to see him leave yesterday.

Sharing a quick greeting with Lissa and holding the conversation between me and Josh so I can take in her nervous appearance, it's evident she's still worried about what she's told me and maybe a little bit worried that I might have said something to one of them. Like Lissa could have already said something and that's why all of a sudden Josh and Nessa are being so chilled about s**t, but it still sends my brain into paranoid thoughts no matter what.

However she does look nice in her hole-less tight fitting jeans the same black as her spaghetti strapped crop top that also seems to want to hug at her curved yet flat stomached figure tonight, the v-neckline dipping a little to show off some of her cleavage though not too much where a tit will fall out.

Over the top she has a denim jacket a few shades darker than Nessa's jeans with the sleeves stopping at her elbows and two separate fraying rips down the left side of the jacket, and a pair of ankle high leather boots the same colour as her pants and crop top.

Like her sister her light bronze s***h mousy brown hair is down and semi-twisted at the ends, her skin complexion mirroring her sister's pasty one with a set of blinding sea blue eyes to bring some colour to her face since she too has ditched the makeup to flaunt her flawless skin.

"Well if it ain't Nessa it's gotta be me. How you been?" he laughs when it's his cue to jump back into the conversation, the both of us eventually walking over to one another and fall into an embrace which surprises me a little since I know we're both thinking about how s**t went down yesterday.

If only a hug could sort out what we have to talk about most likely later on tonight. That and his birthday party which I'm a little worried about going to considering I'm nervous about how I'm going to make it my last night with him without making it messy.

But why should I care? I know Lissa said to ignore her about what she said on Josh and Nessa's secret fight over me, but there would have had to be a reason for her to say it and I bet they cracked the shits at her when they found out they told me.

I just need to keep strong and remember the main reason why I'm cutting them off, I can't have conflict and in order for that to happen I have to keep my promise. No more slip ups due to a weakened heart. Tonight is Nessa's last night under the covers with me.

"Good Josh, really good. I also hear it's your birthday soon."

"Let me guess, Nessa told you?"

"Yep, so am I allowed to come?"

"Ooo I dunno, am I allowed to stay for a drink?"

"Obviously otherwise you wouldn't be here."

"Well then there you go."

Chuckling together like a couple of school kids f*****g around in class, Nessa and the others look at the scene with relieved smiles on their face's at the fact that we're getting along though they don't know how nervous the thought of his birthday makes me.

Today Josh has added a bright coloured hoodie to his attire instead of the steady colour black he'd mainly wear every time I'd see him, the hoodie a neon aqua with a NIKE cap and hood of course up, black skinnies which of course doesn't surprise me and a longer black shirt stopping at the tops of his ripped and fraying knees.

To top it off are a pair of matching black Vans and his NIKE backpack I've seen him cart around a few times and even the same night I recall him having it at the family traditional dinner. How could I forget that night?

"So, how'd you go with the place? You like it?" Lissa beams as we take the party back to the lounge and sprawl ourselves out on the L shaped couch.

"I love it, I can start moving my s**t in tomorrow." I inform whilst finishing off the can Nessa took off me before.

"Sweet we'll come around tomorrow and help you get settled in." Nia adds and instantly I'm remembering Luca's comment about him wanting to be the first friend to christen the place with a mix.

Fuck, I wish he was here tomorrow to help me instead. I mean he did say let him know at any time if I need help with anything. But then again I don't want to come off as clingy when I have friends who are also more than willing to help me.

"Sounds like a plan since you guys don't have to work tomorrow. Speaking of work, your Dad wasn't there with your Mum today. I assume he was working still?" I point out as I direct my conversation in Nessa's direction.

"Oh yeah, you're right. He was still tied up at the office" she confirms an assumption I already made the first time I noticed his missing presence.

"Ah thought so." I state and almost have a miniature heart attack when I notice the bong sitting not so hidden on the end of the coffee table on the floor, Josh's eyes glancing at it from time to time which indicates he'd be wanting one as well.

Jolting at a gentle touch to my left arm, I spin my head in the direction to where I felt the touch and remember that Josh is seated there with Nia on the other side of him.

Noticing that he's signalling for me to follow, I wait for a few seconds to get up and go after him and discover him in the hallway located halfway between the lounge room and semi-open front door entrance space.

"Does Nessa know you smoke bongs?" he starts off in a low voice, his brows gently furrowed and subtly raised brows showing me he's a little worried about it all when really there isn't anything to be worried about.

"Yeah she caught me with it when she dropped in unexpectedly. She came over to drive me over to the apartment since Felici-"

"It doesn't matter that she's here, I'm not your boyfriend so I can't tell you who you can and can't hang out with. I was only pulling you aside because I didn't know if you needed help smuggling the bong out." he admits with a small smile tugging the left side of his mouth, his tanned hand combing quickly through his umber fringe and muddy brown pools dropping to his feet for a split second.

"Oh, no I'm fine thank you. Wow sorry to throw that at yo-"

"No don't be, we do need to talk about some things but we will wait until a bit later for that." he chuckles weakly which causes me to join in with one of my own.

It's good to see he's as nervous as I am.

"Thanks Josh, that means a lot." I smile warmly before gesturing for a hug. Something I'm okay with considering how much I actually liked hanging with him, even before we slept together.

I really did mean what I said to Nessa, I will be hanging out with them normally up until Josh's birthday passes. It just f*****g sucks it has to be this brutal when it's clear that I love their company too much to want to let it go.

But then there's the whole family thing...

"That's alright I just wanna know one thing?" he states whilst leaning his frame against the hallway's left wall half an inch away from the kitchen's entrance.

"Sure, what is it?" I ask hesitantly as my mind conjures up a million different things he could say along the lines of me doing s**t with Nessa regardless if he said he didn't care.

"Are you on other s**t?" he demands with his voice dropping even lower than it already was at the start of the conversation.

Well that was unexpected.

"If I tell you the truth will you keep it between us?" I squeak and peek my head around the corner to check the lounge room for movement and discover that we're still in the clear.

"Obviously but I'm gonna go with yes you are since you didn't exactly say no." he sniggers with his muddy brown stare lighting up at the mentioning of me possibly having drugs on me.

"Well are you on anything?" I shoot back and try to assess his eyes in the process to see if his pupils are normal, only another wave of serotonin being released sends my vision a little too blurry to be able to focus in on them properly.

"No I have work tomorrow which sucks, but I'm sure we can get on it together again on my birthday?" he suggests which automatically brings back the images of us back at his place the night of their family gathering. The night I saw the darkened figure disappear in mid-air and something I think about every time I recall the gathering.

The presence was like no other, my brain almost replicating it as if the presence is here with me now, my chest in taking slow and steadying breaths in attempts to relieve the pressure building quickly in my chest and the impending feeling of being watched by a set of intense eyes.

Why do I feel like screaming?

"Sounds like a plan, and thanks again for everything." I eventually get out once I'm back to normal and my breathing is at a peaceful pace.

Help me.

"No worries, now let's get back out before anyone suspects something." he jokes with a smirk, my eyes automatically rolling as I give the middle of his back a push.

"Get moving or I'll drag you there with me." I warn as he begins to crack up once more and I'm pushing that weird sensation to the back of my thoughts for l have all night to think about it later.

"What're you two doing goofing around?" Lissa sniggers on her way to the kitchen the first left you take up the hallway.

"Well before I can tell you that, I have to confess that I smoke weed. Now that you know that, Josh was asking if I knew my bong was out since you guys were over and he thought I was keeping it a secret. I said yes I know it is out because there was no point in hiding it since Nessa caught me with it and yes I was intending on not telling you guys I smoke weed bec-"

"We don't give a f**k you smoke weed, f**k. I'm pretty sure Josh smokes the s**t. It's probably why he's asked about it because the fucker wants one." she taunts a bored appearing Josh only deep down I bet he is wanting one.

"She knows she can tell me no if I end up asking later on tonight." he replies with a coked eyebrow and flat tone, Lissa pulling a funny face at him as she mimics his words back to him.

"f**k me you've had enough to drink already." he goes on when she turns her attention from him to shoot me a beaming smile.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that, but did any of you f***s want a drink?" she announces from the fridge as Josh and I linger around the entrance.

"Sure, since you asked so nicely." Josh says first, my brain still in between laughing or giving her an answer first.

"Me too thanks Lissa." I giggle as she hands Josh one than me.

Grabbing our drinks and taking out seats back where Nessa and Nia wait for us patiently waffling s**t in their mother tongue, the conversation halts instantly in favour of Nessa motioning for me to follow her to the spot Josh and I just were.

"What's up?"

"I need to step out for an hour max, you going to be okay babysitting those three?"

"Yeah I should be, might have to sedate them if they get too much though."

"No worries sounds fine to me, just as long as they wake up by tomorrow then I don't care what you do."

Laughing and giving her a tight hug my smile widens when I feel her kiss the top of my head, only it falters a little a moment later when Luca comes to mind and the way his lips felt.

Fuck, why is everything so different with him? Is it because I know he isn't fighting with a sibling over me?

Watching her hug the rest of her family then leave, I feel alone in a room with people now that she's gone, as if the moment we shared before has managed to form a strong connection I didn't want. And I can't have that if I'm trying to make this my last night with her.