Stellam Matutinam

Why Do I Do This to Myself?: Part II

My attention is suddenly back to the flatscreen mounted to the wall opposite the couch thanks to Felicity and her story of how she got the furniture, the alabaster TV cabinet underneath stopping half an arm's length away from the walls on each side and chilling around until movies are crammed in there.

Noticing two large windows the same size as the ones we saw on our way up the drive way covered by thin see through curtains as well as thicker ones behind those ones a nice steel colour, I realise that these are the ones I saw coming up the driveway and am suddenly distracted when I'm taken into the kitchen connected on with the dining room as one big open space.

The black walls are replaced by bone white ones with the pale carpet swapped for that same faded chestnut wood for the floorboards, that same grey s***h brown stone making up a feature wall around the decent sized window above the kitchen sink to the right as you walk in.

Matte black table tops stretch halfway around the kitchen with a fancy arse stove and oven centred in the bench against the back wall, I catch the same light maple wood continuing underneath the matte black table tops with a heap of cupboards and drawers underneath for me to use.

I also don't miss the cupboards installed on the walls or the matching bone white hue it shares with the walls, the low hanging fancy black metal framed boxed lights hanging over the matte black topped island I spotted earlier catching my attention for a split second until it's back on the big arse double door fridge to the left side of the island.

Finally checking out the dining table the same faded maple as the floorboards with its six matching chairs placed in between the entrance and kitchen's island, I'm then taken out of the kitchen and through another entrance at the back of the kitchen where a small hallway leads you down to the bedroom, laundry, bathroom, toilet then eventually the backdoor.

Stepping out onto the back porch and getting a glimpse of the driveway to my right as I step out, I spot more of the colourful shrubs and other bushes lining the back fence with a huge pine tree in the right corner of the backyard.

"So, what do you think?" Felicity asks as we head back inside and up the pale walled and mimicking carpeted hallway.

Those same metal black framed hanging lights I discovered in the kitchen and somehow didn't notice in the lounge room continue also throughout the house, the carpet as well changing to floorboards in the bathroom, kitchen as we know already, laundry and toilet to that faded maple I'm beginning to love.

"I absolutely love this place." I beam when we stop at the first entrance at the hallway which displays my new room with a pitch black feature wall much like the lounge only all my walls aren't the same dark colour, it's broken up with a nice eye stinging white instead.

It's not a huge room but it's big enough to fit a queen sized bed with a wooden frame to match the floorboards and two reasonable sized side drawers pressed snugly against the back corners and encasing the bed both sides.

Two lamps of the same design as the ones in the lounge room with their delicate appearing two glass stands and white rounded shades, also sit on top of each side drawer, the bed's doona and the cover it's got a nice jet black with white patters of some description scattered all over it, the two out of the four pillows on the bed the same design while the other two at the back appear to be a plain white.

Another one of those large windows occupies the right side of my wall with a large wardrobe pushed next to the window's frame at the very end of it, the thick steel curtains in my room as well as the thin see through ones covering up the windows in here and every other room when I think about it.

"Well good I was hoping you would. Now bond you don't have to worry about since you're already working for me, but rent is two eighty a week which I can take out of your pay if you want so it's easier to keep on track? If not I'm more th-"

"No that's actually a really good idea, I don't mind at all because it is easier for me as well as you. But yeah I'm happy to move in when you're ready to let me." I intervene brightly as if I came up with the idea myself, the three of us heading back to the lounge where Nessa and I take a seat on the comfortable couch I knew would be.

"Tomorrow is fine because the day after that you have work again remember?" she chuckles lightly while pulling her phone from her nude clasp I can just catch the label of.

Of course, it's Louis Vuitton.

"Oh yes that's right, well tomorrow is fine since I'm back to work on Wednesday." I blush then watch from my peripherals Nessa rise up from her position beside me.

"Awesome well I better let you girls get back so you can get your things prepared." Felicity sums up with a clap of her hands and bright grin on her face, as if she's excited about moving into the place herself.

"No worries Aunty Felicity we shall, thanks again." Nessa giggles which instantly confirms they both are just as excited as me.

It's good to see them like this. They must really like helping me get back on my feet.

"That's alright precious, I know Lilith means a lot to you girls and I think Josh. I'm still a little iffy on that one." she explains with slight confusion forming in her eyes, my heart slamming away in my chest at the thought of him and how we still haven't sorted s**t out from yesterday.

Great...

"Well we hang out but he doesn't seem the type to care." I state with a monstrous smirk when I think back on what Lissa said, feeling Nessa's eyes instantly on me and knowing exactly what she's thinking right now.

Just remember, make it clear you need your space and actually use that time to work on myself as well as ways to let them know I won't be sleeping with them again.

"Oh I don't know, Josh can be a loving person at times." she informs with a warm smile tugging the corners of her mouth.

"Sure he is Aunty. Well we're off and will see you the next time I'm looking at you." Nessa goes on when we start making our way slowly to the front door.

"Okay well be safe and don't keep her up all night, she has a big day of settling in here tomorrow remember? Also the girls apologise for not being able to make it Lil, they say they'll be over later or something. I dunno just expect a call." Felicity reminds Nessa who's already nodding her head before the woman could even finish her sentence, only to have the woman's electric blue stare land on me with an eye roll at her daughter's confused message I assume they wanted her to relay to me.

"Got it, no worries." I chuckle just as I sense Nessa getting toey for the door.

"Yes Mum how could I forget?" Nessa adds dryly which Felicity returns with a light push to her shoulder.

"Good well I'm off, love you sweetheart and will see you soon. I'll give your Mum a call to let her know what's going on and why she won't see much of you tomorrow. But she's probably aware of that since my sister Aisha, Bodhi and I haven't seen our children thanks to you. Anyway, bye Lil I'll see you possibly tomorrow as well." she wraps up along with a hug which takes me by surprise since not even Nessa expected her Aunty to hug me, her comment about me keeping her kids, niece and nephew away from them somehow touching considering the s**t eating grin she had when she was telling me.

"She must really like you." Nessa points out as we exit the house after we've finished locking it up much to my want to move in now.

"What can I say, I'm a likable person?" I smirk regardless of how much my brain is screaming at me that they will eventually hate me in the end.

"Uh-huh, now get in the car." she orders flatly though I can sense the giggle in her command.

Rolling my eyes and doing so, the music's turned back on and the MD I tool earlier at Luca's is still in my for I'm enjoying the bass a lot more than I usually would.

"So just a suggestion but you can say no. It's Josh's twenty-fifth birthday coming up in the next couple of weeks and was wondering if you'd be interested in coming? He was going to ask you but now I know why he didn't. Anyway I'm asking for him but can understand if you want to say no, you need your space." she starts off nearly halfway home and she'd allowed me to soak in the loud bass long enough.

"Oh um, I guess. Are you and the others going to be there?" I ask hesitantly when I imagine her asking me next if she can take me.

I mean sure I'd be able to talk to him about why I kicked them all out yesterday, but it'd still be awkward as f**k since I still haven't thought of what I'm going to say to him apart from the same scripted lie I told Nessa.

But every time I'm in the presence of either Josh or Nessa I'm instantly sucked in due their soft sides I've shared with them on a few occasions, as if they put me under some spell I can't break away from.

"Yeah Nia and Lissa will obviously, but it would be cool if you came because it would mean a lot to him. Like I know he has a thing for you and wouldn't put it past him to try and have s*x with you the night of his birthday." she states timidly as a blush subtly heats her cheeks, my heart skipping a beat when I can sense where the conversation is going and wonder if it will turn out civil or a screaming match.

I'm not going to lie at the moment all I can think about is how he felt the night of his family gathering. How could I forget I mean I saw that weird guy hanging in the shadows disappear, though my mind is more back on Josh and wondering if I will keep to my promise of not sleeping with the both of the regardless of what Nessa said.

I mean right now I shouldn't be thinking about Josh and how good he was in bed, I should be thinking about rejecting him and his advances even when I have to tell him the reason why I can't sleep with him and why I kicked him out also yesterday. I just can't get suckered into his soft side where I mistake that as him caring.

"If you're asking if I'll have s*x with him that night it's a no. As I sai-"

"I know but I also know about your past and wouldn't blame you if you f****d with Josh and still were mates with m-"

"Nessa I never said I didn't want anything with you. What Viper and I shared was amazing regardless of what Erica did to me. I want to see if I can have that with you but right now I have to stay away from Josh only because it's easier for me that way." I finish a little quieter on the end as threatening tears make themselves known by stinging the back of my eyes, only I'm taking everything within me to keep them stuffed down.

No way am I crying right now. Not when my day can finish good, I just have to keep it together.

"You say that but who knows what will happen? I mean we did make out yesterday remember?" she adds a little more harshly than I think she intended only because when my head snaps up and my brows furrow together, she's now relaxing her clenched hands on the steering wheel though hard gaze still stuck on the road.

"Look. I'm not going to have s*x with Josh and I'm not going to have s*x with you. At the moment we have established that but you have to stop thinking I've completely wiped the both of you. Who knows, I might be that old Lilith I was and end up f*****g the both of you regardless of your warning. I'm that fu-"

Her lips cutting me off has me realising that we're in my resort's car park with the car idling, the feeling bringing me back to yesterday at work when I was finished spilling my heart out to her on my first day. The day she caught me in bed with Josh.

I want to enjoy it only Luca's face keeps popping up, as if asking me if this is the right thing to do but right now with her soft lips hard and wanting more on mine as well as the way her touches are urgent to feel more. It manages to push Luca's image out of the way for a moment only it still leaves the guilt heavy in my heart, twisting my gut into knots until it's pulling me away.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No it's fine. Now you understand my predicament?" I semi-pant when we give each other a second to recover and are finished wondering if I'm going to lose my s**t or keep my cool, the whole plan of not sleeping with either of them out the window since cutting them off clearly isn't going to be enough for them to leave me be. I have to say goodbye to them personally and promise both of them I will return. I just hope I've gotten my head wrapped around s**t by the time I build up the courage to face them again.

"I do but f**k, I really want to say f**k it and not care if Josh finds out." she growls into her hands as she rests them on the steering wheel.

"But he's your cousin." I point out in a way as if it's everything she goes against. Which it is so she needs to hear what she's actually saying right now because if she ruins the relationship she has with Josh because of me, then I don't think I could live with that regardless if she made me happy.

"Yeah and you don't seem like the promise keeping type yourself. Look if we keep trying to force each other to do s**t, nothing will come out of this." she blurts whilst turning the car off and lighting herself up a cigarette.

"What are you saying?" I demand with my brows returning to their frowned position.

"What I'm saying is, if you choose to sleep with me tonight and end up sleeping with my cousin later down the track, I don't want to know about it but at least give it a week before we do s**t. I don't wa-"

"I'm not going to do that! It's evident I like the both of you even if I do feel like I'm being passed back and forth. Who's to say I make a connection with you more than him and I keep it going between us?" I point out and observe as her nut brown pools light up with hope, guilt once again coming back to f**k with me when I think how it might still not turn out that way. But for arguments sake I'm going to shut up about it for now and let her have this.

"Well that's why I'm worried that if we do this, then you won't be able to dec-"

"If we do this the one last time then you have to accept the fact that it's me saying goodbye for now. But you have to hold all advances towards me in that stage for it will be hard then. I know it'll be hard for you too since you now know where I live, but we have to have this distance. And believe me Josh will be copping the same talk on his birthday or whenever I see him next. But in the space between now and Josh's birthday, we can still hang like normal but after his birthday, that's when I will need the both of you to step back." I admit as more truth is finally able to come out and the guilt is lessened.

"I get it, I do. And again I'm sorry I forced myself onto you li-"

"It's fine. In all honestly it was bound to happen since things didn't sit right with me after how we left shit." I sigh when I remember the mental battle earlier and Luca's voice in my head telling me it's not too late to stop now. I mean I'm already ignoring the fact that I'm sleeping with someone who's currently at war with someone else for my affection. Not just someone, but her cousin.

"Well now that you say that, I don't feel as bad." she grins when we begin climbing out of the car, my eyes rolling as a grin of my own forms at the corners of my mouth.

"Come on let's go." I chuckle as we start making our way towards the resort's entrance, her hand laced in mine and for the first time in a while I feel like eyes are watching me again, assessing my every move and it's putting me on edge the longer I'm out in the open.

Not again...

Subtly rushing us to the entrance, I still feel the eyes on me even when I talk with Nessa about what else we can do when we get back to my apartment since I have to start packing my things, the whole time my heart racing until we make it to the safety of my place with the door clicking satisfyingly shut.

"Good, I'll get my drink from before, how's yours? Empty?"

"Yep!"

"Cool!"

Disappearing to the kitchen for the drinks, I manage to slip past her with the excuse of needing the toilet when in reality I'm heading for my little stash of caps Luca gave me last night I forgot I had stashed when I got back today, the feeling running through me like the first day of Christmas I assume a kid without s****l abuse would have when knowing they're receiving gifts. It's just sad I'm getting that excited over drugs again.

Just don't tell Luca.