Stellam Matutinam

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

Turning the TV up a bit more since my favourite one is now on after waiting painfully through some antique show for almost an hour, I lose myself in another cooking show I curse Luca for starting with my hand readying about to pack my third cone when there's a knock at my door.

For a split second I think it is Luca and I jump up quickly hoping his deal went quicker than he thought, only I slow my pace when other names start flooding my brain and hope it isn't the two I'm trying to avoid.

Taking a deep breath and biting my lip, I finally open the door to see a timid Nessa standing awkwardly in front of me with her hands behind her back and stare now on the ground when she sees my frowning face.

Okay, what the f**k is she doing here? Surely her cousins would have mentioned something by now? I mean they seem like they couldn't keep a secret if you told them to.

Besides I still have to wait for a call first from Felicity around five. It's two thirty now so why she's here is beyond me since I planned on Nia and Lissa to take me.

She's not in her work uniform which I thought she would be but instead is in a pair of light denim skinny jeans with rips in the knees and another one a little higher on her thigh on the right, a black long sleeve shirt with the neckline sitting halfway down her lightly tanned shoulders horizontally, and a pair of black suede ankle high boots with an inch or so high heel on them.

Spotting a thick matching suede chocker necklace, my attention is then averted to her thick blackish hair pulled into a messy bun and face semi-clean of makeup since mascara and winged eyeliner are the only things that I can spot at the moment, the darkness of the makeup making her nut brown eyes an inky colour every time I glance at them.

"Hey." I start off slowly in hope of her blurting out the reason of why she's here so she can f**k off.

I don't know why I'm being so hostile I mean it's not like we left on bad terms, I just don't want to see her right now regardless if Lissa told me to forget what she told me.

"Hey I wanted to come and see how you were." she says sheepishly though for all I know this could be her act to try and get me to like her again.

"I'm fine, was actually watching TV." I state simply and lean against the doorframe with my arms folded in a way to show her that I'm not really in the mood for a conversation.

"Oh. Can I come in?" she asks a little more confidently and observe as her arms come around to sit at her sides.

"Why, is everything okay?" I frown deeper in hopes that me not stepping back instantly shows that I'm not letting her in.

"No not really, it's about last night." she puts bluntly which automatically defeats my battle of not letting her in since I don't exactly want to air my dirty laundry in my apartment hallway when there are people living in the rooms on each side of the hallway.

UGH! f**k meee...

"Sure." I sigh and step aside with an eye roll when I have my back turned to her.

I really am not in the f*****g mood for this right now, not when my day has been going so good. Why does the universe f*****g hate me? I bet it's karma for sleeping around not even a week after getting out.

Fuck, maybe I haven't changed since coming out of hospital s***h rehab, I've only been more cautious about it in ways I wasn't before.

Josh was an old mistake I repeated again after thinking I've learnt my lesson, Nessa was one I thought I felt something with. But then again I thought that with Josh only I was off my face and so was he. So when you tend to find someone on the same level as you, things tend to escalate quickly from there. I just wish things happened differently like they did with Luca.

What would Viper think of me now?

Not wanting to stare at the bracelet as we take a seat on the couch, I suddenly cop a wave of shock when I see the bong on the table and Nessa staring straight at it.

"Ah f**k, Ne-"

"It's fine Lil I'm not here to judge, if anything I'm here to say sorry for anything I've done to you. Like I was hoping you would've let at least me stay for a bit longer since yesterday was I thought okay, but then something changed and we're all being told to leave." she cuts across me with worry heavily filling her tone the more her nut brown eyes bore into mine, as if trying to search for the reason as to why I've been weird towards her.

"Look if we're going to be honest, your brother was asking me who I was going to choose yesterday when you left the first time to get changed, that's why I was out the front pretending to have a smoke I needed to clear my head and not think about the fact I've done s**t with the both of you and have been told to pretty much choose. But after what I told you about my past and then things turned out how they did at work yesterday, I thought I made my decision but ended up telling Josh that I can't handle being around the both of you at the moment. Please don't take that as a bad thing, I just need my distance to know if I'm making the right decision in choosing. Or if I should just stay friends with the both of you." I semi-lie since I can't exactly say Lissa said her and Josh were fighting over me in a way to see who would win this time, my anger spiking a little once more when I remember it was Nessa who used and tossed the girl to the side.

"This isn't some f****d up love game you get to pla-"

"I'm not trying to make it like that! That is why I need my space!" I shout with balled fists when I hold back on telling her how it really is. I mean who the f**k does she think she is talking to me like that when she's the one who f****d up. Sorry, her and Josh.

Regardless of how much Lissa told me to ignore her. That s**t's stamped and dated. There's no turning back now, it's impossible after dropping that bombshell.

I get she wants me to give them another chance which also makes me think they've settled their s**t, but she has to let me cool down and decide whether I want to continue on or not. Like I'm not perfect but I also don't wanna be passed between the both of them. No matter how much I enjoy both of their company.

"Well it gets confusing when you say that then we end up making out minutes later!" she yells back and suddenly I'm lost for words when yesterday comes rolling in like a mental film and instantly remember how her lips felt on mine.

No Lilith, just keep saying no. You don't know what you want and still don't. Just enjoy their company without sleeping with them. That is how I will be able to make my final decision. A lesson I must take from Luca since he was the first guy to teach me it.

"I KNOW AND I'M SORRY! I'm trying really f*****g hard to keep my s**t together right now and I keep f*****g myself up!" I breakdown and drop my hands in my face, the unshed tears for everything that has happened finally coming out and I fear they won't stop soon.

"f**k Lil, I didn't know we were that ba-"

"Please! Don't make me feel bad, it's not you really. I can't keep my s**t together and I live with the fact that I will probably lose the both of you in the process." I cut across her in genuine sobs whilst I shake violently huddled in on myself, finally the touch of Nessa's hands making contact with my back and sense my body wants to relax but can't.

As much as I want to wipe them I find it really hard to. Once I've attached myself to someone it takes a lot for me to cut those ties off. It's just you'd think I'd be siding more with my gut feelings in trusting Lissa's information about their little argument, but I'm not and I find that I'm leaning towards Lissa's bullshit excuse.

It's bad I know. Clearly Luca's nothing again since I'm in the presence of Nessa.

Speaking of presences, where's the hostile one? It should be here about now screaming my ear off for some unknown reason. I think it hates me having friends other than Luca since I don't recall it returning when I was with him.

Okay now that's just nuts.

"That won't happen, no matter who you choose or what you decide we aren't going to hate you for it. f**k even if you still wanted to f**k around with one of us that's fine, all I ask is just not the both of us." she assures me and squeeze my eyes tighter at the thought of that since that won't happen, one of them will hate me and the other will feel like they've won. I can't have that.

"I get that and thank you for understanding my situation like don't get me wrong I f*****g fully understand yours and that's why I'm taking my time away from you. But you also have to understand I might not end up sleeping with one of you either." I explain further in hopes that it's fully gotten through to her.

"You aren't going to ignore us a-"

"Nooo I can't do that! You guys mean too much to me to do that! After everything you have done for me and what you know about my pas-"

"It's okay, you don't have to stress now." she chuckles and wipes her watery eyes as delicately as she can so she doesn't smudge her eyeliner.

"I'm just happy you see why I was a little distant, I just need my time and you will find I'll be good as new." I reassure her with a warm smile and hand on her knee, the feeling I'm hoping to send her is one of comforting since she's done well at comforting me during my mental breakdowns.

It's something I will never know how she can do since it took Becca ages to get to the basis we were on, and then as soon as I moved it's like everything changed and I became a completely different person.

Sure I was tense, but I was soon able to forget about a lot of s**t when I started hanging around with her and her family, especially Luca since he was even able to help me forget about the s**t between Nessa, Josh and I.

"Thank you for telling me, I now know what's up and I'm more than happy to give you your space. I also want to add that I know you are still down for drinks. So let's put this behind us and start again?" she grins which automatically catches on to my lips, the both of us laughing together for the first time in a while and suddenly I'm feeling somewhat at peace again.

All that's left is to tell Josh the same thing and hopefully it will all blow over to the point where I only see the girls when I'm at work. Then I can focus on Luca and what we have blossoming since my body reacts differently every time I think or mention him.

But either way I'm not going to choose him just because I've only recently left his company, s****l or not it was still a different experience than what it was with Nessa and Josh and with Josh we did almost the same s**t as what I did with Luca. Even then everything felt like the first time regardless if Josh kept trying to pop up every now and then.

"Too easy I mean speaking of putting things behind us. I went into work today to talk to your Mum about the place and she said she will be calling me at five, so there's something to celebrate." I snigger when she heads for the door and retrieves something from the floor just outside my bedroom door.

"I don't know why I was ballsy enough to leave it out in the hallway, but I'm glad it was still there." she explains on her return with her handbag, my jaw dropping a little when I can only imagine how much the bag itself costs, let alone the contents inside.

Ballsy you say? f**k off, that's fucken stupid but I will give it to her, she's a lucky cunt.

"Man the f**k, I wouldn't have even done th-"

"Yeah but then I didn't exactly know what basis we were on, and didn't exactly want you thinking I was expecting to get pissed here without addressing the issue you thought went over my head." she smirks with mine mimicking hers since me knowing about her and Josh's little argument over me has gone right over hers.

I don't care, I still believe that's what's happening or was happening between them. I mean why else would they be the way they are towards each other when I'm brought into the equation.

"Mmhmm, now pass it over." I chuckle and observe her suddenly return to her timid expression and posture as I register that something else is playing on her mind and tip of her tongue.

"What?" I frown when she hands me a can of something I'm not really focused on finding out since what she might have to say is more intriguing.

"Now don't get angry bu-"

"You can't start a sentence off like that and expect me not to?" I point out with my grin fading to where you can just see it and eyebrows raised, my arms slowly reverting to their folded places against my chest as I wait for her incoming answer.

"No please, they were worried about telling me and couldn't stress it enough that you were only friends." she goes on and can tell this is actually worrying her a bit since it's got to do with her family considering I know exactly where this little bit of info came from.

I f*****g knew it! I knew they'd tell at least one of them!

"Ohh is this about Luca?" I ask casually even though I want to crack the shits and tell her that nothing happened so there's no need for her to stress, though instead I end up keeping my cool and allow her to say her piece.

"Yeah, I just wanted to know who he is only because he apparently is Italian as well." she states and watch the worry dissipate a little in her eyes yet stay present in her brows and forehead.

"No s**t aye I legit thought he was related to you. But I promise he's an old friend I've known for years." I assure her with a light laugh sprinkled in my tone and witness the anxiety being obliterated from her face before being replaced by sheer relief.

"Well I can assure you he isn't." she says with a half-c****d smirk and laugh lingering in the back of her tone.

"Well I can reassure you he's only a mate I've known since Sunshine Cove. He only came down to see how I was since he heard I wasn't living there." I sigh in a way as if to wrap it up and clench my fiddling hands together in a ball, hoping my nonchalant attitude will convince her further and to my surprise it does.

"I see. Please don't think I'm jealous or anything, I was only curious as to who he-"

"Nessa I don't blame you for being a little pissed. After everything that's happened I would even think I slept with the guy. It wasn't like that at all, he was only shouting me a coffee since he wanted to be filled in on the goss of why I left." I state as I pat her on the knee and reach down for the bong I put next to me to keep out of her sight since I knew the thought of her knowing about the bong would have distracted me from what needed to be said.

Only now that everything is out in the open, I can focus back on how I f****d up in letting Nessa see my bong even though she said she's not too worried about it. It's still something I would have liked to keep from her since Josh is the one who knows about my harder habits.

"It really is fine Lil I couldn't care if you were sleeping with him. It's not my business I only care when it involves me and Josh." she confesses gently then takes a sip of her drink when I nod my head once my cone's packed.

Man when she keeps saying s**t like that it keeps pulling me back to her, as if quenching an addiction I didn't know needed quenching until I'm in her presence, but it then makes me a little annoyed at myself only because I promised Lissa I wouldn't weaken no matter who I was with or what they said.

I have to stick to that and make sure I do so I can give myself the time to heal over a lot of s**t and think through even more. I can't keep jumping from bed to bed, not when I had such an awesome time with Luca. I have to stay strong for him no matter how drunk I get tonight and no matter how hard Nessa tries to get me in my weak spots.

"Thank you Nessa, and again I'm sorry for how everything turned o-"

"No Lil don't be, I'm glad we can still have a drink at the end of it. I mean you don't have to work until Wednesday so that's good." she smiles and holds up her can to show me the label I'm finally able to read properly.

Thought I was drinking apple cider but turns out it is pear. Either way it's f*****g nice.

"f*****g oath it is, but I assume you still have to work tomorrow?" I question and light up the cone piece until the mix in it turns a bright orange and begins slowly sinking down the small hole in the cone piece at the bottom.

"Yep." she snorts with an extra pop to her P to emphasis her joy for it.

"How about some music? Drinking to a cooking show isn't really fun." I chuckle in order to change the subject onto something else, her face lighting up instantly at the word music as she fishes for her phone.

"Sure I'll be DJ this time." she grins and instantly I'm coughing up the privileges to her.

Talking more on how my day was and what else I got up to, we eventually land on what she did before my phone starts ringing and a number that's not saved to my phone's being displayed across my screen.

"Oo this could be my Aunty." Nessa states when she takes in my frowning face and paused thumb over the answer button.

"Hello?" I squeak with my heart climbing to the back of my throat when the suspense gets too much.

"Ah Lilly, I was wondering if I got the right number. Anyway it's Felicity and was ringing to see if you're ready to come and check out your new apartment?" she says and I'm automatically relaxing at the familiar voice and giving Nessa a nod to confirm that she was right and it is her Aunty.

"That would be awesome. It's also perfect timing only because Nessa's just rocked up." I go on and hear her gentle chuckle on the other end of the line.

"Oh good I was wondering where she went. Well tell her to swing you by, she knows where the place is." she states with Nessa apologising for taking off so quickly in the background.

"No worries I will see you soon and thank you again Felicity you've helped me out so much, you too Nessa." I add with Nessa beaming brightly at me for mentioning her name.

"It's alright sweetheart you deserve it, now have fun and I'll see you soon." she informs as Nessa's now busying herself with changing the song.

"Alrighty then bye Felicity." I smile absentmindedly at the TV that's currently muted but showing Gordon Ramsey going off his t**s at a young chef that's f****d up what appears to be a bit of fish.

"Bye Lilly." she chuckles then hangs up, my goofy grin not faltering once when I inform Nessa of what's going on and where we need to go.

Well it appears I won't be travelling with Nia and Lissa after all.

"Alright well have another cone then we can hit the road." she orders as the TV's turned off to stop me from getting distracted again.

Doing so we eventually get in the car with the music still going and my half-finished can also in hand, the engine then roars to life and eyes observing the other people staying at the resort climbing in and out of their cars as we exit the car park.

With conversation filling the gap on how much I will like the place for it's not too big or small and my neighbours are apparently holiday tourists so they're hardly there.

Our time eating topics take us all the way to my new flat built in the middle of a bunch of holiday houses, the place absolutely adorable with its pale hard maple wooden slatted walls and wooden flat faded walnut roof coming out a little at the front as more on the right side of the house extends out to form a miniature porch with darkening grey s***h brown stone steps leading up to its matching walnut landing, the faded wood itself appearing like it's aged out in the elements long enough though I think that's just the look they were going for.

A band of the same darkish grey s***h brown stone continues along the bottom of the house and wraps all around, the beams that support the porch made of the same faded walnut with the front door of course the same wood.

With the side of the house being the first thing you see and its two almost floor to ceiling windows currently blocked by curtains and another small long rectangular one on the other side of the place as you walk down the occupied brick driveway, I don't miss how the ashy bricks form diagonally up the straight path instead of horizontally.

Glancing at the pale grey strip made up of thousands of stones lining both sides of the driveway and continuing along the side of the house you first set eyes upon, I also spot two small green shrubs buried in the pale grey stone strip underneath the small rectangular window a few inches away from the roof.

Spotting two more of the shrubs on the other side of the house with the two large blocked windows I manage to also find the back porch to the place just sticking out as I manage to peek from behind Felicity's car, the porch matching the front one only it doesn't have a pot plant hanging to the far left.

Small solar lights dot both sides of the driveway a meter or so apart, more bushy shrubs with reds and pinks mixing in with the different hues of green start decorating the left side of the driveway where the fence stands tally behind them, that pale grey stone strip stopping the grass and plants growing out onto the driveway so quick on both sides with more of the cute shrub s***h bushes following around to the back and other side of the place.

Stepping onto the porch's landing and noticing that the porch lights on each side of the door are on, Nessa's quick to casually open the faded walnut front door and invite herself in as if it's her place instead of mine I'm about to move in, she's instantly greeted by her Aunty as she pours into the lounge where we currently stand.

"Lilly darling I'm glad you made it! I've been so excited to show you this place, come and have a look!" Felicity beams as her and Nessa take each of my hands and lead me to where Felicity wants to begin the grand tour.

Adam's nowhere to be seen which makes me assume he's still at work, only to wonder how much time Felicity had to get changed into the nice outfit she's in now. That and if she's going anywhere else after this since what she's wearing isn't exactly casual.

Clad in a pair of navy blue high waisted straight legged pants, a pair of leopard print high heels and a faded beige singlet with a tan trench coat over the top, I can only imagine how many pay checks it would cost be to even have that full outfit in my wardrobe.

Her russet locks are done up in a neater bun than Nessa's, a different one to her pony tail I caught Felicity wearing at work this morning, her forest green eyes not so heavily surrounded in eyeliner unlike Nessa's with the mascara more evident.

She reeks of something I can only imagine how much it costs, much like the other women and men in her family. I feel stupid rocking up stinking like my Dove spray...

"So as you can see this is the lounge room and is fully furnished. It is up to you later down the track whether you want to keep it all or get rid of i-"

"Are you kidding me? This is practically brand new and I don't have anything to fill this place." I blurt as I take in the black walls, alabaster carpets and matching three seater couch with its large two puffy cushions giving off the illusion that it's a two seater.

"I thought you would have said that, that's why I kept all of this stuff in here." she goes on as the piercing white ceiling also helps break up the darkness of the black walls, a decent sized rectangle coffee table seated a few inches in front of the couch and two more arm chairs seated to the left of the couch.

Behind the small circular gold table with a glass table top holds a white rounded lamp propped up on two thick glass tubes as stands and expensive as f**k I might add, a fake plant of some kind is stands also to the far back left corner

Opposite the armchairs is the doorway to what I assume is the kitchen s***h dining room since I also spot an island with two deep grey stools seated in front of it and next to the set of built in drawers, and a dining table with chairs set up a few meters in front of the island only I can't catch much due to my darting eyes.