Stellam Matutinam

Confrontation

Slowing down as we approach the familiar street I left behind for three years, I start to count the seconds down until we approach the dreaded two storey house of horrors.

Made of a stone type material and painted a gloomy mocha with sky blue trim around the windows to go with the stark door and flyscreen, I sense my heart rate increase to the point where I swear they too can hear it when the car halts momentarily so that it can pull in smoothly into the driveway.

The electric alabaster iron gates are already open to save them the time of punching in the code, ashen gravel crunching underneath the tires as we crunch further up the driveway with neatly trimmed lawns lining both sides, and lush gardens ranging from flowers to shrubby like bushes displaying other colourful flora attempt to hide the high timber fences that line the boundaries of their property.

Parking the car underneath the shelter coming off the side of the first storey, I'm left to grab my duffle bag out of the boot on my own when Ray and Dian jump out of the car continuing their conversation about needing to head out and grab things for dinner.

Noticing that this is the only car in the driveway I start to think that Erica has moved out and in with Jackson, suddenly feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and think that my time here won't be so horrible after all.

Inhaling the warm sweet air I've tried getting out of my memory as soon as I step over the threshold it doesn't take me long to begin my scan around the lounge room's furniture that too hasn't moved or altered in my absence.

I'm finding it hard to keep the trauma of this place out of my head when every place I look, is a place where I felt a little bit of my soul die within. Though three years of solid reliving my s**t over and over in my head much to my discretion from Becca, has put me in a position where I think I'll be that bit stronger getting through whatever this place throws at me than I was back then. It's just a matter of staying strong without the help of drugs yet something inside me informs my racing thoughts of something different.

"As you can see nothing much has changed since you've been gone, but the place has been clean I will give you that." Dian admits proudly when I'm finished casting my gaze over the leather couch and armchairs a shitty caramel colour to go with the poo brown walls, the carpet a weird ashy blue along with a fireplace underneath a flatscreen mounted above it.

To the left of the lounge is the dining room and to the right is the kitchen, though peering back to the dining room you can see through the divided wall archway you walk through to get to it, my eyes catch a quick glimpse of the six seater wooden dining set.

"Mmm." I hum considering I don't want to spend any more time in this thing's presence than I have to.

"Okay well I'm off, make yourself at home and one more thing. You stay away from Erica for you've caused her some problems thanks to your lies. Now I know your Doctor told me to not mention it but f**k her, you need to know that your mouth ruined her relationship with Jackson! Though I don't want to stand here and argue all day, you have a clean slate much to Ray's distaste so you better keep in your best interest to make him not regret his decision in letting me bring you back." she warns in a low voice and noses just inches away, my body freezing up as I picture Erica's face staring back at me clamping hard down on my upper arm, yet she's quick to step back twisting her face into a forced smile and a clap of her hands.

If I know this woman well that's her threatening me to stop telling everyone about the s**t her f****d up daughter does to me behind closed doors, which makes me think she has an inkling about what Erica does to me yet keeps her mouth shut anyway. But why?

"Now." she sighs to no one on particular before turning on her heels to exit the lounge.

Walking in between the coffee table and mounted TV towards the kitchen I take a right just as I'm about to hit the kitchen to a small hallway, the staircase that leads upstairs to the second floor at the end of the hall next to a door that leads to the backyard.

The foster parent's room is to the left of me in the hallway near the entrance with a bathroom and laundry opposite them, those same poo brown walls continuing throughout the rest of the house until reaching the foster parent's room where it changes to pea green.

Climbing the stairs counting each step until the landing, I peer around the second lounge room with a bathroom s***h toilet ahead of me behind a slightly ajar door and my room to the right.

Not wanting to suss out in case she is here I head straight to my room and ignore Erica's room where it sits adjacent from mine on the other side of the lounge, the couches matching the same caramel leather ones downstairs and a weird patterned rug to go underneath the coffee table cluttered with Erica's magazines, the blood in my veins freezing when my eyes flicker over to Erica's door and wonder if she heard me come in. I mean why else would her s**t still be here?

Definitely not wasting any time in getting my arse to my room, the door's quick to slam shut behind me and I'm sliding down it with my eyes tightly closed and begging it's not true and that they're still getting rid of Erica's s**t around the house.

Letting a frustrated scream sound in the back of my throat whilst scrunching my hair into my hands and face as if it's going to make it all go away and take me back to the hospital, to my dismay it doesn't and leaves me living and breathing in my own worst f*****g nightmare.

Finally getting my s**t together I peer up at the white ceiling asking God why he would put me in a s**t position like this until casting my teary gaze around my new cell, the thin baby blue curtains going against the tan walls lets in the watery midday sun finally breaking through the clouds I thought would shower down on us on the way home.

My double bed hasn't moved from the far right of the room that's pushed against the wall in the corner with a bedside table occupying the free side, and to the left stand a chest of drawers which completes all the items in my dull room which once again takes me back to my room at the hospital.

Zooming in on a patch in the middle of my room, the once ashy blue carpet a gross brown colour from when I cut myself and couldn't stop the bleeding, I wonder exactly where the matt I bought to hide the large patch went and how long it took them to get over it since the stain was covered before I left.

Kicking my shoes off and placing them next to the door I begin to unload my duffle bag of clothes I had when I went to the hospital, my brain ticking over the possibility that my old clothes could still be in there though would they still fit me for I was quite thin back then.

Cracking open one of the drawers to find that they're empty, I feel a little pissed off that they were happy to get rid of my s**t since the room looks like a spare room anyway, but alright I guess in starting again since the s**t I had anyway I can't really remember for it was a while ago.

Filling them up and sliding the duffle bag underneath the bed, I sit on the edge of my semi-comfortable bed wondering what to do with myself now considering my old friends aren't even in town anymore and the other ones I did have couldn't be f****d dealing with my s**t. So they left without saying goodbye, even when I was in hospital I think that's when all of them decided to leave so they didn't have to say it.

Wondering why I bother hanging around for there's nothing for me here in this town, a drug stash I forgot about until now pops into memory and suddenly I'm heading straight over to that spot to see if they're still there, but to no avail.

Sinking back down in my spot on the edge of my bed deflated that I can't spend my first night out of hospital numbing the trauma this place brings on, I'm distracted by someone practically kicking open my door and waltzing in with an evil smirk plastered on her thin lips.

"Erica." I breathe as the door closes a lot louder than it naturally does due to my heightened senses, my blood pumping hard in my ears the closer her curvy figure gets to my sitting form, her nut brown eyes resembling her father's pierces me right to my core when the socked toes of my feet are squished against her Doc Marten ones.

"So it's tru-"

"Do you have to stand so close?" I snap and pull myself away from her as far as I can; only she takes that as her cue to pull up a seat on my bed and cross her legs most likely dirtying my plain pale grey doona cover in the process.

I swear she's gotten taller since I last remember with a few more tattoos covering her tanned complexion she also shares with her father on her naked arms, her wavy jet black locks hanging in front of her shoulders and dressed as if she's about to go out this afternoon on a date.

Flicking my eyes over her dark leggings, open toed heels a few shades lighter than the navy blue thin strapped singlet type top she has on that tightens under the breasts, then flows out to stop half-way down her midriff.

"Fine I'm sorry, Mum told me to take it easy on you." she snickers when she can sense how uncomfortable she makes me, but still doesn't try to remove herself from my presence.

"Why are you even here? You know what you did to me f****d me up and you sit here still tormenting me about it even though you got away with it!" I explode not caring right now if the foster parents are home; I hope they're here to hear what I have to say.

"Scream it all you want they aren't home." she snickers then repositions herself on my bed so that she's lying down on her side with her head propped up on her hand.

"f**k this I'm goi-"

"No you're not! I was put in charge of you while they're gone!" she cuts me off and rips me back on the bed in attempts to get away from her, her nut brown glare boring into mine as I search for anything to get me out of her grasp.

IS THIS ALL IN MY f*****g HEAD NOW BECCA? IS IT?

"You don't know how long I have waited for this." she moans in my ear while she grips and claws at my exposed skin, or the skin she's desperately trying to expose with her invading hands, tears and fights of struggle soon interrupted by a hard blow to the side of my head only it doesn't knock me out completely.

Wondering what it is she used it takes me a second to discover her high heel on the floor a few meters away from my head on the floor, the sensation of blood trickling down the place she struck making itself known in the back of my head yet the adrenaline is helping me fight off the thing I'm mainly focusing in on, and that's her hand trying to make its way into my pants.

"NO!" I scream and try to continue fighting her pinning limbs until luck finally takes my side when my left hand slips her grasp and smashes hard into the middle of her face, the girl ripping her body from mine as she laughs in a way that states I'm actually a dead cunt.

Instead of freezing in my position like I usually do before I'm attacked by Erica, I kick into action and grab her charging form by the back of her head once I'm able to get to it then slamming it as hard as I can into the corner of my bedside table drawers, the sound making a sickening crack around the eerie silent room until I'm gawking at her crumpling form.

Fuck...

Blood's beginning to pool around her head and a few of her fingers are twitching, fear of killing her subtly making its way into my thoughts though I'm more worried about her waking up if that makes sense.

Pacing around the room when a wave of sickness washes through me it doesn't take long for me to fall on my knees and start dry heaving before I'm picking myself up off the floor, giving Erica's unmoving body one last look until I'm rushing around my room to repack my duffle bag of f**k all items then hastily lacing up my shoes, my eyes never breaking contact with Erica's body until it's time to leave the room.

I should be relieved that I might have killed Erica but the fear of getting caught for some reason is more crippling right now as I hunt around for money to take with me since I don't plan on waiting for Dian and Ray to get back to explain what happened, I need to get out of here and I need to get out of here now!

The hospital isn't an option for I don't think I could spend the rest of my life in there over something that needed to happen, more thoughts of being a fugitive plaguing my mind and sending me to my hands and knees for another dry heave still nothing comes up.

Pulling my s**t together I hit a jackpot in Dian and Ray's room after rifling through their wardrobe and discovering a stash of money in a metal box close to six grand, my eyes widening at the amount for a second before I'm jamming it into my duffle bag for safe keeping and hightailing it to the front door when I hear a floorboard upstairs creak.

Okay so she isn't dead, but I'm still getting the f**k out of here!

Sprinting for the front door and not even bothering to slam it behind me I continue my sprint even when my lungs start to burn and my legs beg me to give up, tears welling in my eyes when the feeling of Erica's hands all over my body won't f**k off, forever tainting my skin and f*****g me up more than I already am.

Knowing I can't call anyone for not only have their numbers changed and also noting I have nowhere else to run to tonight since the sun's currently starting to set, I also need to ditch the phone as soon as possible for a new one in case they decide to track me down.

With tears once again blurring my vision when thoughts of sleeping out on the streets tonight might be the go, I mentally slap myself into gear when images of Police cars roaming the streets for me kicks my brain into thinking and I'm suddenly planning my first mission.

Breathing in deeply and deciding to get a packet of cigarettes first considering I haven't had one for three years since you're not allowed to smoke in the hospital, I stick to the backstreets vaguely remembering the way and mentally patting myself on the back when I make it to the main road lined with shops that lead to more shops then a giant shopping complex at the end of another road to your left.

Scanning my eyes all over the place to make sure I'm not being watched or followed, I throw the hood over my head to try and conceal my face as best as one can in a sea of a hundred or so people still bustling around to get the last of their shopping done.

Hoping the temperature doesn't decline any more than it already has for I'm not reaching into my bag for another hoodie to throw on, I start to on the way plan out the best spots are to rest for the night where I hopefully won't be raped or stabbed.

Hearing a commotion behind me my heart rate spikes up and suddenly I'm trying not to freeze in my spot to see who it is in fear of being caught, so I don't stop but keep speed walking to where I need to go yet the commotion follows, the voices unfamiliar but still it's something I don't want to find out.

Wanting to cry and beg them to not take me back when I can hear them gaining up on me, relief soon washes over me when a group of teens probably a couple or so years younger than me bounce passed still hyped up about school being finished for the week, my body visibly relaxing at the entrance of the shop I plan on buying my cigarettes from and almost block the way of an oncoming civilian.

"S-sorry." I stutter to the elderly woman bustling her way towards me with a trolley, only she doesn't say a word let alone crack a smile so I just shrug it off.

Not wanting to get too comfortable down the street regardless if I haven't been found yet, I make it quick to grab a couple of things to snack on for in the morning as well while I work out my next move from here, for we all know that the hospital and place back with Dian and Ray is definitely not a f*****g option.

Crossing the semi-busy road and making it to the side I need to be to get to a park I remember passing by on my way down the street, my brain reassuring me that staying that close to the house is smart for they won't expect me to be that ballsy.

"Oi! Lilith!" a voice hollers which whips me around to discover the horrified face of Dian practically hanging out the passenger's side window of her sleek BMW.

Not waiting for them to turn around or stop I leg it down a random street with my first thought being I must find a backyard or somewhere to hide so I know I'll be safe for now, my feet pounding the tarmac then the grass as I glide across front lawns.

My body's beginning to complain with the amount of running it has had to do ever since being out of Sunshine Cove Mental Institution, but the thought of being dragged back kicking and screaming pushed me further down an alleyway before scaling a fence and landing back first in someone's backyard.

Knowing I won't have long until I'm noticed I strain my ears to hear the screeching of car tires yet it never comes, my heart beating that hard and loud I can hardly hear what's going on around me when suddenly a light turns on to my left to realise that someone's coming out to inspect who the f**k is in their backyard.

"HEY! GET THE f**k OUTTA MY FUCKIN' YARD!" a male booms but I'm too scared to see exactly what he looks like for I'm scurrying back over the fence and running for my life until I burst out onto another street and continue my mad escape.

*

About an hour and a half has ticked by since I was caught in that man's backyard, my frantic sprinting ending me up here at an even smaller park compared to the one I was originally going to stay at.

The bright side is I'm out of the cold and I'm able to charge my phone which has also been good in passing the time while I wait for morning as well as the cleaning crew to kick me out, a sad sounding sigh vibrating the back of my throat yet convince myself it could be worse back at Ray and Dian's.

With my stomach rumbling and kicking myself I was so careless with rationing my snacks, I wait for another half an hour to build up more courage to venture back down and get some more food, eventually deciding later down the track to head back to the bigger park near Ray and Dian's for it has more shelter and places to sleep there.

Knowing I'll have to stick to the shadows now for its fully dark outside, I find that will work in my favour but halt when I see a cop car driving passed the top of the street I'm currently walking up, my body locking up when the foster parents come to mind and how they definitely would've rang the cops.

Deciding to blow off the food and bigger park altogether and head back to the smaller one for I can sleep in a play tunnel they have there, I ignore my chattering teeth by throwing on some more layers to get me through the night, my warm tears being the only thing to help warm my face up momentarily before they too turn ice cold.

Telling myself that I can't keep living like this if I want to be out of Ray and Dian's place, I then come up with the idea of catching a bus tomorrow to whatever town the line finishes at and calling that place my new home.

For I know that this town is no longer my home.