Stellam Matutinam

Is It Luck?: Part II

I need a break if I'm going to figure out a smart way to tell both Nessa and Josh that I no longer want to sleep with them. Not when I'm only just a f*****g winning prize to them.

"Awesome well let's go grab your purse or whatever it is you carry, then we can hit the road." he smiles before motioning for me to lead the way.

Doing so I offer for him to come into the apartment whilst I try and remember where I left it, only to eventually find it after being offered Luca's help in finding the item, thankfully he didn't have to look far.

"So if you don't mind me asking, which you probably will and you're more than welcome to tell me to shut up, but what else are you doing tonight besides selling to half of the people in my apartment building? Like I know it's busine-"

"I'm picking up my next load to deal. That and I need to make a few more deals while I'm there, but I promise I'll try and make it as fun as possible if you're interested in coming? I mean by the looks of things you don't have much on." he points out which only pulls a large grin to the surface of my lips, something I haven't done since Nessa and Josh left my presence.

"There better be board games or I'm not fucken coming." I go along though wonder if that was too weird for him since I don't exactly know his humour.

"UNO okay?" he grins as we make it to the elevator and he's able to land his brilliant cornflower blue pools on my darting ones since eye contact with anyone is hard for me, especially around Luca for some reason since he isn't any different from any other guy I've spoken to. Well he is in some ways but others he's just a human being with flawless features.

Clad in a black leather zip up jacket currently open to display his plain black jumper, I also spot a white shirt poking out from underneath it with a pair of nice tight fitting jeans the same colour as his sweater and jacket, a noticeable slit in the left knee of his skinnies where the edges are starting to fray with a pair of Docs stopping halfway up his calves.

"Yeah I guess that'll suffice, but you're coming off light man." I go on as we exit the resort and head in the direction of where he parked his car.

Leading me to a deep gunmetal grey Audi A5, I can only imagine how much this thing costs as I re-enter the familiar smelling car, it's leather interior surprisingly warm since the overcast has caused outside to cool a little.

"Mmhmm I'm sure I am. Now get in the bloody car or I'm leaving you behind."

"You wouldn't do that, you already confessed to me how bored you'd be."

"I did no-"

"You did, now let's go."

"f**k you're a smug little s**t aren't you?"

"Sometimes. Other times I'm a flat out cunt. So let's just see what the wheel lands on today."

"Oh I think I have an inkling to what one it'll land on."

Chucking on the stereo with a grin and telling me to flick through his phone to see what song I feel like playing, it takes me a few moments to decide on metal for the drugs leaving my system seems to also take away the EDM that's been pumping in my head since this little bender started.

"Ooo these guys are mad, you heard their latest album yet?" he questions whilst starting the engine then chucking it in reverse.

"No I haven't, chuck it on." I smirk though feel it change into one of confusion when he only sits there with a c****d eyebrow and eyes darting from me to his phone in my hand.

"I thought you were DJ?" he chuckles when I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my blonde moment.

"That's why you gave me th-right away sir." I salute half-heartedly as Luca sniggers to himself while shaking his head.

Laughing at how awkward I'm being right now but oddly liking it on his end, I try and pull myself together for lack of sleep and coming down will not be the thing to ruin my afternoon s***h night as I peer up at the darkening sky, the sun slowly changing positions with the moon for its job on the other side of the world.

"So Lil, what else did you get up to today besides seeing your friends?" he starts off a minute or so into our trip.

"Umm had my first day at work today, don't have to be back until Wednesday so I have a couple days to relax. What about you?" I smile whilst he f***s around for his carton of cigarettes.

"Ah just the same s**t. Dealing with crackheads and s**t all day." he shrugs with a tired sounding sigh in the back of his throat as he waits for me to light the cigarette for him.

"Yeah you get that in your line of work." I grin after silently thanking me for the help before offering me one by placing the packet on my leg.

"You certainly do." I almost breathe at the near contact his fingertips has with my leg, my brain cursing the tracksuit pants for being in the way until turning the scolding onto me for thinking about Luca like that.

Stop it Lilith, you have to f*****g behave for this exact behaviour got you into the mess between Nessa and Josh. Then again I don't see any of Luca's cousins or brothers coming out of the woodworks yet.

"I'm actually curious considering I've been around a few dealers in my time but, what made you get into dealing?" I question a little hesitantly then ask myself would I answer that question if I was in his position.

He goes a little silent for a few moments, probably trying to find a nice way to tell me to mind my own f*****g business, only a small sniffle and a clawed hand raked through his hand suggests he's finding a mild way to explain why.

"Ahh I got over being broke. Especially back home where I'm from, Italy isn't so tolerant with drugs. You know with the bullshit with mafias and s**t still f*****g with our lives one way or another. Anyway long story short and I hope you keep this to yourself, but all of this is to keep my parents out of their early graves. My father made a bad decision years ago and now I'm paying for it." he eventually confesses and feel a little tension rise around the car's enclosed space, my brain yelling at me further on how I really shouldn't have asked because now I've pissed him off.

"f**k me, how do you even cope?" I squeak and instantly lock gazes with the cigarette burning away happily between my fingers.

"This." he grins then pulls out a half empty baggie of MD from his glove compartment, the tension instantly gone and replacing it with a weird giddiness when I can't seem to take my eyes off of the baggie.

Feeling my heart pang a little for this guy though when I replay his story over in my head, I hope he one day finds a way out of this s**t, but doubt that very much for gangs and s**t generally don't let people go.

Yet am I so different from him with his coping habits?

"Do you get, sad? Well of course you do, but-"

"I'm fine if that's what you're worried about?" he chuckles across me as he chucks the MD back in the glove compartment.

"Aaand I'm gonna shut up n-"

"Why? I find it nice you care." he points out innocently with no trace of a humour smile on his face, instantly forcing me into the awkward corner for I honestly don't know what to say right now.

"I'm a caring person." I end up saying which only causes my heart to beat faster when he throws his head back a little and lets out a laugh, my brain for some reason wondering if he knows about my history with Nessa and Josh already though only to strike that possibility from thought since he'd be more busy dealing than finding out my s*x life.

However this guy is so f*****g hard to read right now. One minute I think he's flirting with me, then the next he's acting as if he wants to be my best mate. It's cute when he's being caring but it's frustrating because then he backs off and comes out with more friend material s**t.

Like at least tell me you're slightly interested but don't want to get involved because of the s**t you're going through right now. It'd make more sense as to why he's acting the way he does around me.

Fuck, it sounds as if I want a relationship with the cunt. But if I'm trying to get rid of Nessa and Josh then it would be nice to know I have someone else to help me get over that part. Even if it is just car trips and deep conversations, they're the ones I've been catching myself think about every time I'm away from him.

Grinning and cackling away with one another on my comment, we eventually stop at a set of lights which also changes the topic onto me and what got me into taking drugs, the topic unnerving me completely for I've already done this with Nessa today only a little differently. So why do I have to do it again?

"Well with everything that happened with Erica and how my parents were spending more time with her than me, I guess I wandered off and did my own thing. Hung out with girls who also were going through tough times and we somehow got each other through. Well not really for me, I ended up in a ward after I pushed it too far one night with the drugs. Was in hospital for a long time actually until I was able to come back out and mingle with society again. I know it's disgusting hearing one of your clients te-"

"Hey I thought we were friends after that weird encounter?" he interrupts with a joke to let me know that what I'm saying doesn't bother him in the way I thought it would. If anything he seems more understanding than anything.

"Sorry I forgot we decided on that." I chuckle softly as images of my scarred up skin and the rest of my mangled past come to the surface of my brain and memories of how Josh was unlucky enough to see every inch of it, my brain making sure I leave out the self-harm for that is one thing he doesn't need to know. He's lucky enough he got that much out of me yet I did owe it to him in a way for he came clean about some of his past I asked about.

"But in all seriousness, it might be best if I don't sell-"

"Please I didn't mean that for any sympathy or worry, I just. You told me about your past so I thought I'd be honest about mine and how I got into drugs. But I've been three years or so clean up until I first met you. It was my choice for if I didn't want any then I would have said no." I intervene yet don't miss the way his fists tighten around the steering wheel until pulling the cigarette away from his mouth to ash it, his face hard to read since he has his eyes set on the road in front of him but I can see the slight squint in them which means he's most likely fighting something over in his head.

"As long as you don't make it an everyday thing you know? If I'm the only one you can get it off and we see each other the way we do, which I might add is not much, then I'm happy to continue to sell to you. I mean you have my number still I assume?" he questions whilst taking his eyes off of the road to give me a quick glance.

"Yeah, I've just been busy with wo-"

"Exactly, so if you say you've been sober for three years then I'm happy to help you out in letting your hair down once in a while. But when it starts effecting your work then we will have a problem." he states in a tone that indicates he's not f*****g around, the seriousness laced with a certain worry of some degree touching me a little for he hardly knows me and yet he's concerned like I was about him. Still I am worried for who the f**k wants to spend the rest of their life paying off a debt that's not yours?

"Now look who's worried." I blush with a grin trying to take over and make it out that it's me playing the cool and collected as he sits in his chair silent for a few moments trying to smother his goofy smile.

"Touché." he laughs with a quick glance in my direction, his piercing cornflower blue pools almost glowing in the last rays of the afternoon sun, my mind wondering exactly how someone can have eyes that intense and what parent he got them from.

"Just as long as you trust me that I'm not as bad as I used to be, then-"

"Don't stress Lil, you'll still have me." he intervenes with a warm chuckle and pat on my knee in a way a close friend would do, my heart skipping a few beats as a breathy awkward laugh manages to squeeze out of my frozen throat.

"Poor you, I don't shut the f**k up." I lie since I know for a fact I'm the most awkward person when it comes to meeting and hanging with new people.

"Mmhmm, because you've talked my ear off." he laughs in unison with shaking his head as he clicks a button on his steering wheel to change the song I somehow tuned out.

Rolling my eyes and not bothering to reply considering he's right, I spend the next thirty or so seconds picking my brain for an interesting topic when all I can come up with is why am I acting like such a fuckwit?

Like why the f**k am I acting so weird for? He isn't trying to seduce me in any way shape or form and yet, I'm teetering between wanting it to happen and not wanting it to for I have enough s**t on my plate as it is.

I mean yeah it would be good to get with Luca as a f**k you to Nessa and Josh, but since I'm not mentally stable for that kind of behaviour let alone ready for the mental struggle I'll surely endure, I once again tell myself to see how the night will play out for I can't make an assumption right away when he's the hardest dude to read.

That and if I plan on taking drugs then they might help me block out the slight heartbreak I've managed to snagged myself just this afternoon, even help me work out fully that if Luca is flirting with me then who's to say I don't see what he's all about?

I mean he's respectful regardless of his past and what he currently has to do to keep his parents alive as well as I assume himself, but if I'm there to hopefully help keep his days bright in any way shape or form so he doesn't wind up dead, then f**k it count me in. I'd rather this drug bullshit than being played by two people any day of the week.

Spending the trip talking and enjoying that familiar warm protective feeling I got the first night I sat in this car with him, I only wonder when the next ear ringing presence will be back and have me subtly curling in on myself to get away from it.

If only he knew how much I'm mentally destroying myself in the space of under a week.