Stellam Matutinam

Is It Luck?

"Lil, what're you doing out here?" Nessa questions with a confused grin on her face as she approaches me where I'm currently chilling in a visible place out the front where the car park is, subtly waiting for the girls to get back for I still can't seem to bring myself to face Josh only they don't need to know that right now.

"Oh I needed to head out for a bit, clear my head ya know. I got f**k all sleep and thought a bit of a walk would keep me from passing out and leaving Josh by himself." I lie lamely which the sisters buy instantly yet Nessa isn't very keen on my story.

"Cool well let's go." Nia beams as she takes the lead with her sister following suit, Nessa and I lingering behind for I know she has something on her mind just dying to come out.

"You'd tell me if something happened between the both of yo-"

"Yes Nessa I would. I just needed some air for today's been a bit of a rollercoaster." I sigh across her in the process of rubbing the threatening tears back into my eyes.

"Alright well I'll meet you inside then." she murmurs when I still refuse to make eye contact with her.

Nodding I sense her presence leave before taking that as my cue to hurry up and get my s**t together for they'll be expecting me up there any moment, the thought kicking me into gear when I heave my form up off of the curb of an empty car park.

"Let's get this over with." I groan with dread for some reason now filling me as each intake of breath inflates my lungs, my hands trembling slightly the closer I get to my floor and thoughts of Luca for some reason trying to calm me.

Why I'm thinking about a guy I've met legit twice is beyond me, but the pull I have is weird for it is s****l but not. It's more intrigued than anything for he isn't the typical dude I've met. Then again I guess this European is one of a kind, or the guys I associated with had no respect for women whatsoever and find Luca's respect in not f*****g me the first night, refreshing.

Maybe that is the sole reason as to why I really crave his company, I long for a company that doesn't think about doing me each second of the day then gets bored weeks later, I don't have it in me to be played for I'm kicking myself for what I'm doing to Nessa and Josh.

It's not like I'm intentionally f*****g them both for some f****d up gain, I legit don't know why I can't say no to either of them and why the both can't clearly see I'm not in a stable position to choose.

They know bits of my dark past, one knowing more than I'd like yet thanks to my big mouth and erratic emotions Nessa is now aware of my past. So why can't they cut me off since they know I won't do that to them? Can't they see I'm f*****g struggling here? Why do they have to physically hear it from me?

Reaching the dreaded floor my apartment is on, I take a few steadying breaths in hopes of summoning Luca since I could use him as an excuse to send them all home, though I don't know how all of them would take me kicking them out all of a sudden over some random guy they haven't met. Especially Josh.

Stepping out and gliding across the floor to my door, I can hear the girls all laughing and carrying on which instantly calms my nerves since I was kind of expecting a negative commotion.

"Hey guys sorry I took so long, got stuck talking to one of the guests, something about needing a cleaner. Anyway what'd I miss?" I beam as I take a casual seat Nessa and Lissa made for me, Josh nowhere to be seen which is good only where the f**k is he?

"Not much, Josh is just in the toilet. But is it okay if I grab another drink?" Nia asks when Nessa and Lissa go on with their conversation from before, the language now in their mother tongue and reminding me of Luca, my heart skipping a few beats at the memory of him yet I'm quick to strike him from my mind for now in favour of nodding my head at Nia.

"Cool did you want one or are you still going?" she points at the opened can in front of me an inch or so away from on the coffee table, my hand reaching for it to assess its contents until giving her the thumbs up.

Instantly feeling Josh's presence enter the room way before I even make eye contact with his form making its way over to the couch, not missing the way he makes sure to keep a large enough distance between the both of us as he gets out his phone and starts f*****g around on f*******:.

Disappearing once the girls and Josh are done talking with Nia about wanting a drink or not, I'm left alone to drown my ears in their conversation, the Italian language intriguing me the more I listen in and wonder if they would teach me one day.

Not knowing my background and feeling a little upset that the foster parents couldn't even give me that side of my old life, I let that memory die with the sigh in the back of my throat after downing the rest of my can in order to make way for my new one.

"What's the matter? You're very quiet again." Nessa questions with a playful pout whilst Lissa giggles in the background, for some reason a smile suddenly tugging at the corners of my mouth with my eyes still avoiding Josh's area on my couch where I feel the burn of his stare on my being.

"I was only thinking about the drinks in the fridge and how I think we need more. I don't know maybe some sleep as well for I got f**k all last night." I murmur with heated cheeks since Josh was the reason for that, Nessa shifting awkwardly in her seat but thankfully enough Nia returns with drinks for those who are in need of one.

"Well if you want we all don't have to stay? I mean Nia and I have work tomorrow as well as Nessa. Pretty sure Josh as well so we might as well go home later and let you get some sleep. I'll let security know and make sure something is done about what happened here. All I'm saying is we're gonna make sure you're safe before we leave. But yeah enjoy your sleep in for you don't work until Wednesday." Lissa explains with Nia, Nessa and Josh murmuring in Italian yet this time their conversation stirs a weird feeling in my gut. The same way it does when I know I'm being talked about.

Playing it off as me being paranoid, I let a new fear settle in and that fear is spending tonight alone. I mean I could go for a walk all night and avoid my apartment again, then there's the chance of being raped or stabbed by the locals at all hours of the night. Or worse, I could be screamed at and stalked by that high energy force that leaves my body trembling and heart racing to get out of my chest.

"Ah yeah I mean why would they come back again right?" I question more to myself when sudden thoughts of the foster parents hiring someone to take me back, plague my mind.

No it can't be them. If it was then I wouldn't be here...

For some reason the thought of some crackhead breaking into my apartment seems more appealing to me than the foster parents trying to get me back in their clutches. Yet again anyone in my position would rather crackheads over those pieces of s**t.

"Well they wouldn't want to. As Nia said we're going to make sure they keep an eye on your apartment without notifying the Police. I know you don't want them involved since nothing was technically stolen." Nessa goes on with a knowing look shared between the both of us as the others stare on in confusion for they still don't understand why I'm not calling the Cops.

"Thanks guys, I appreciate it." I yawn over the rim of my can and pending my sip, a lengthy one I desperately need for sleep sounds quite nice right about now. So if I want that then I need to hurry up and drink this so I can kick them out.

"It's fine darl. Anyway I'll be back, just going for a ciggie." Lissa announces in unison with the TV turning on and instantly freezing when I pick up the unmistakable sound of a news reporter.

Frozen solid and not being able to move as the lady continues to give us the updates, I wait on the edge of my seat for my name to be brought up, my heart slamming and chest heaving the entire segment up until it's over and I'm still trying to listen out for my name.

"Man the news is so depressing." Josh murmurs from his position on the couch only I'm still in shock, my knuckles white due to my fists squeezing the f**k out of my singlet's hem and difficult to pry open.

After a few seconds of letting my locked fingers relax, I begin to celebrate for my story isn't big enough to reach the news. My secret is safe at last yet I'm wishing it was kept also from Nessa.

"Tell me about it." Nia snorts before taking a sip from her beverage.

"I'm gonna head out for a ciggie too." I half-smile as I rise up from the couch and make my way towards the balcony this time, my knees almost buckling due to the instant light headedness I'm battling away with right now thanks to the near heart attack of being caught out.

I really do hate the f*****g news...

"Good, go and keep Lissa company." Nia grins with Nessa giving her cousin the finger.

"Go entertain your sister yourself mate." Nessa protests cockily behind me as I step out onto the balcony, Lissa half-turning her body to see who it is as she rests her elbows back on the railing when she realises it's me.

"Hey Lil, I was kinda hoping you'd come out." she states with a small smile sounding in her voice, instantly my interest peaking considering what else is this family hiding.

Someone only says those words when they plan on telling someone something important, I just hope it isn't another declaration of feelings towards me for I don't think I could handle another one. Not when I'm trying to already shake two of her family members off.

"You were?" I say slowly when dread slowly fills my being in unison with my hands patting my tracksuit pants down for the cigarettes, only to come out empty handed and remember they're still on the nightstand.

"Yeah, I feel I need to tell you something." she chuckles and hands me one of hers, my facial expression thanking her before lighting it up and inhaling the harsh smoke deep into my lungs.

"Umm okay, what it is?" I ask after a moment's silence, my hands still shaking slightly as I try and grip the railing in front to steady them yet to no avail.

Taking a deep breath she prepares herself for what's about to come out of her mouth next, my heart asking me why I'm putting it through so much stress as it once again beats erratically against my ribcage.

"This stays between us only because I found out by eavesdropping on the both of them. But this isn't the first time Nessa and Josh have fought over a girl. No way if I remember correctly Nessa won the last argument then a week or so later ended up getting over the poor girl. Like I myself should have seen the signs since as I said this isn't the first time. Only they were good at hiding it from Nia and I this time, well so they thought. All I'm saying is just be careful, I'd hate to see you get hurt." she blurts with her eyes still on the timber view below and all around us, mine doing the same though I'm also picturing myself going nuts at the both of them as we speak.

Okay I'm not going to lie, it f*****g hurts hearing that. Could even go as far as saying f****d me up a bit too, only the cocktail of MD and Speed I had this morning seems to be helping me out with the last of what it's got, giving it's all to make sure I don't snap and kill them both.

Then again if I was sober I'd kill them all then myself. So really what f*****g better option is there if the drugs run out and I'm coming down like a motherfucker?

Let's just hope I've calmed down before the coming down process is in full swing. Thanks to work it's managed to prolong the comedown due to all of the activities I put my body through today, the drugs still running rampant but nothing to the extent as they were when I first took them.

"Thanks for telling me, I wish it had of been before I slept with Josh and almost let Nessa call me hers." I growl through gritted teeth, Lissa sighing as she gently touches my elbow in favour of getting me to look at her, only I'm now wishing I was with Luca for I doubt he has family and friends on the sidelines waiting to f**k with my emotions once Luca's had enough of me.

"I really am sorry about that and I should have told you, but I really do mean it. You've been an awesome friend to Nia and I, please don't let them two f**k it up for u-"

"Nonono not at all, you actually don't understand how much you've helped me. I mean it, thank you. Now don't stress I won't act any different towards them but I will be distant. Is there any chance you and Nia could help me out by telling th-"

"Don't worry Nia and I will take care of Nessa and Josh. You just focus on work, me and my sister. We'll get your mind off of them considering there are that many shops and things to do down here. You'll be forgetting why you're even upset. Besides, now you don't have to feel bad about screwing them both, I mean in the end you were gonna get hurt so it's kind of a deserved f**k you to them." she points out with a playful nudge as I subtly dry the threatening tears from my eyes and wonder where I'm to go from here.

"Cheers Lissa, you're such a f*****g solid friend, the both of you are. You and Nia. I just wish I could make it up to-"

"You can and you will I'm sure. But for now I think it's time for us to get going soon. So when we do expect Josh and Nessa to try and con you into letting one of them staying. But stay strong and say no, you'll thank yourself later on if you do. But if you're scared in any way shape or form you know where to go. If not text me and start walking anywhere, I'll come find you." she explains with a warm smile and one of her hands in mine, a gesture that summons more threatening tears since I'm now wishing it was only Nia and Lissa I met.

"I will don't you worry and thanks again for everything. But trust I'm not going back to either of them, not until they accept the fact that I only want to be friends with them and nothing else." I declare with a drag of my cigarette and swig of my can, Lissa's smiling not once faltering as we wrap up the conversation and start heading inside.

"Good Lil I'm glad you think that, they honestly need to know what it's like to have their heart's broken. Now follow my lead and go with what I'm saying." she mumbles as her hand clamps around the handle to one of the French doors, my head nodding as she instantly starts up a new conversation.

"So you sure you're going to be okay here by yourself? I mean I'll give you a call later when I get home tonight and talk more on the house, Mum's keen on getting you into that unit considering I sort of told her your apartment got broken into." she finishes a little hesitantly which I'm only brushing off considering she could be lying about that part, though I didn't miss Nessa and Josh breaking off an important looking conversation upon mine and Lissa's return.

"That's fine I'm sure if I need anything I can give one of you girls a call. Besides I'm only gonna be boring and go straight to sleep." I lie since I now have the urge to seek out Luca in the most subtle way possible, much to my body's protests and brain longing for sleep.

"Ohh you wanna head off now?" Nia asks with Nessa and Josh still halting their conversation prior to me coming back which only makes my brain wonder even further if it was about me, my paranoia sure having a field day right now with the way those two are acting. Then again Lissa's information didn't help. Well it did but in ways such as this it didn't.

"Yeah I thought I'd let Lil get some sleep. She assures me she's going to be fine and that we're more than free to go." Lissa goes on with her eyes lingering on Nessa and Josh who only appear oblivious to what's going on.

Good, now they know how I felt.

"Alright Lil, you sure?" Nessa frowns and takes everything inside me to not yell at her and tell her to f**k off.

I know it is bad not being real with her, but for the sake of an even bigger argument, I can go about this a smarter way. I just need time to calm the f**k down and get these drugs out of my system.

"Yeah Nessa I'll be alright, go get some sleep yourself. Work was hectic." I half-smile and try not to cringe in her embrace when she finally takes the hint.

Looking around for Josh he's once again gone, my body automatically relaxing now that he's nowhere to be seen and that I didn't have to go through an awkward goodbye in front of everyone.

"Bye guys I'll see you later." I beam at Nia and Lissa who are quick to give me a hug before their departure, Nessa now lingering behind just as Lissa said she would and suddenly I'm putting my guard up.

"Okay well I'll see you later then." she mumbles when I don't ask her to stay in the few seconds she's taking to stand near the entrance of my apartment in the dining room, the backs of my legs pressed against the side of the couch and arms folded over my chest to show I'm now not in the mood for conversation.

"Alright Nessa take care and thanks again for everything." I smile sweetly to really top it off for the both of us when she starts to catch on that something is up.

Not being able to say anything else she leaves and instantly I feel relief wash over me, yet that's shortly lived when I hear footsteps heading towards the lounge room and feel my body lock up.

"Sorry I was on the phone, where did everyone go?" he frowns as he pans his eyes around the room to discover its emptiness.

"They went home." I explain a little on the blunt side for the issue between the both of us from before still hasn't been resolved, including the new one I found out thanks to Lissa.

"Oh." he mumbles with his eyes darting to the ground as he continues to awkwardly stand halfway between the dinging and lounge room.

"Yeah, only because I'm going to bed." I press a little lighter this time to make sure I don't give off that something is up for it's bad enough Nessa's suspicious.

"Oh, I see. Well I'll go as well then." he mutters then prepares to spin himself around on the balls of his feet.

"Okay Josh thanks again for everything and sorry about before. I should have a more solid answer once I've gone through a bit of a deto-"

"No I'm sorry I really shouldn't have acted the way I did. You deserve your space and I'm more than happy to give it to you." he assures me after turning his readied body back in my direction, the hurt that's dancing in his eyes now dissipating into nothing as he continues to convince me it's all him.

Let me tell you right now there's no convincing needed. It is all him. Well him and his cousin Nessa.

"Thank you Josh I appreciate that." I go on and force out a smile to really show that nothing is wrong with me, only deep down I want to f*****g scream, yet contain it for I'm playing it off well.

My sudden change in mood puts hope in his eyes in probably me letting him stay, but I have to remain strong for his words are nothing but lies in order to get me and beat Nessa at their f****d up game.

"It really is fine Lil, I'm just glad we can talk s**t out instead of leaving on bad terms. But call me if you need anything, I don't like leaving you here by yourself." he presses only he has no idea what I know and if he did, he wouldn't be here.

"I know but you'll have to do it eventually. Now go and get yourself some sleep, if you're as tired as me which I know you are, then you'd be hightailing it out of here." I fake chuckle which has him rolling his eyes and forcing out a small one of his own much to his distaste at having to go home.

"No worries. Well I'll catch you later then." he says almost in the exact same tone as Nessa which only confirms he was hoping I'd cave and let him stay the night. Luckily for me, I'm in the process of strengthening my heart.

"You will, now have a good one." I wave as he makes it to my door.

"You too." he half-smiles before disappearing and finally leaving me alone, reliving my erratic brain and allowing me to think rationally instead of different ways to skin them alive.

Brutal, I know.

Knowing that the comedown is surely closing in, I fight back a yawn but to no avail, sleep is calling my name and its screaming at me hardcore.

Maybe just an hou-hang on what's that?

Straining my ears a little more I begin picking up nothing, which then causes me to think I'm losing my mind and that sleep deprivation has surely gotten a hold of me, only to perk back up when I hear the voice again.

With it sending chills down my spine the closer it gets, I'm now rushing to get my shoes on to confirm whether it's Luca I'm really hearing or if it's another person staying here and my ears are playing tricks on me.

Wait, why the f**k am I acting like a teenager all over again?

Playing it off casually when I step out and catch a sneak peak of the figure already hallway down the large hallway of apartment doors, I drop my head and pretend to head for the elevator when his conversation stops and my name's being called.

Pretending to be surprised at being spotted yet again by him as well as guilty for being that type of girl, I slowly make my way over to his beckoning figure who's gone back to the conversation on his phone yet it sounds rushed.

"Sorry, I was taking care of business. You sure you're not stalking me?" he demands with squinted eyes and head facing a little to the left, as if assessing my next words.

"Yes Luca I have plans too." I comment dryly when in fact it's me stalking him now.

"I find that hard to believe." he murmurs with his eyebrows shooting up briefly though I don't miss the smirk trying to break through.

"Man you're douche. Hang on would you look at that, who's stalking who now huh, what's your excuse?" I shoot back cockily which he only brushes off with an eye roll and fake look of defeat.

"Okay you got me. Nah for real though, you and your friends heading out?" he questions as he drags his eyes over my comfort clothes, my cheeks blushing subtly as I tuck my hair behind my left ear.

"Well they just left actually. I was coming out because I was gonna buy more cigarettes, but now I'm realising I left my purse back in my apartment." I trail off considering I really don't have much to say for I didn't expect my plan to come this far.

"Oh well did you want a lift down? I'm heading that way because I've gotta go to the city. And speak of the devil, fucken business calls." he murmurs with a hand dragging down his face whilst showing me the phone in his hand, only to silence it a few seconds later and put it back in his pocket.

Fuck now you've done it! Quick, think of something you need!

"Umm I wouldn't wanna both-"

"Nonsense, I was hoping to actually have you join me on this city trip. My mate pulled out, that's who I was on the phone to. But if you have plans I under-"

"Sweeet count me in. I need to get out of my apartment, it's driving me insane." I lie when the only thing that was driving me crazy has already left, and now I'm stuck buying snack food I don't need.

Then again if he's offering that pot he said he'd make sure to have then they actually might later on if I'm not pigging out on more drugs.