ME VERSUS ME

What I consider education is the thing that would bring some benefit to me. I used to be an honor student when I was in primary school. I used to compete with other children and prove that I had high grades. Every end of the semester, I see my name written in a green board along with the numbers 9, 1, 2, 3, 4.... and lines intersecting each other. But my name never went alongside the number 1. It kept getting alongside with 9,2,3, and 4. Naturally, I felt bad as a child. I thought that I wasn't good enough to beat those ones with number 1 alongside their names. I thought that being intelligent in school would make me and my parents happy. I thought that getting high grades would also give honor to their names. I was wrong. I am brainwashed by the regrets of parents who want their children to achieve what they did not. Schools say they secure students' future. Pastors say that God is saying to have faith in Him and He will give anything you ask from Him. That's the first issue, when me and I started to talk to myself inside a small nipa hut in the village. I stayed there for two silent hours and kept asking myself questions. I forgot that every 10 pm I used to invite my friends to a rank game and get us promoted to a higher level. What was inside my head at that time was to come up with a very clear answer, yet I didn't get any. I only wasted my time on useless things, I thought. The following days, I felt that I was so unfamiliar with myself. What's this feeling? I asked me and I answered," I don't know either". A few weeks passed, and I went back to how I used to be. I focused on getting high grades. I didn't attend any church activities. I just sat inside my room, took out my homework and started putting all my brainpower into doing it. I made projects creatively and unique. I expected that at the end of the quarter I'd be number one and they'd praise me, even though I know that I did not do my best on some of my subjects because of certain circumstances. I was wrong again. I was wrong with my expectations. I was never number one and our number one got his certificate, got applauded by hundreds of students in front of the stage and got forgotten after a week or two. Our number one, my friend, is a person who has the same personality as me but is different. I remembered the hour right after the award. He said to me, "You can never beat me. You weakling." Two weeks after the awarding ceremony, I talked to him. I said, "You must need another awarding ceremony. I think you have been forgotten already. That girl praised you for being the top one of the class with a smile on her face, but inside her heart was insecurity and pain for not being the one getting applauded that day." and then told him his victory was just good for two weeks. He just smiled and let me take my turn to experience what we consider a victory.