Wind and Sail

Chapter 1 Dayn’s Point of View   Nasa gate pa lang kami ng bahay ay nakita ko na si Dad na nakapamaywang at umiiling-iling sa direksyon ko.   “Bilisan mo kumilos hinihintay ka ng Mommy mo,” sabi niya pagkababa ko ng sasakyan. Ang boses niya ay may halong pagkadismaya at lungkot. He went inside without looking in my eyes; there was not even a glance.   “Oh, my holy god, angels, spirits, apostles, and all saints, Dayn! This is the third time, what do you really want to do with your life? For heaven’s sake, did you forget that you are now a college student and not a stupid middle school-er?” Mom exclaimed the moment I stepped in the house.   The principal told me them that I am getting expelled after this semester. Alexa’s group started a small riot with another group inside our university, and the principal thought that I was the reason behind of these all, which I am not! I explained to them that I was not, but they did not listen and yet decided to expel me.   “It was not my fault. I wasn’t even in the riot, Mom! I was outside at the coffee shop doing my own business,” I explained.   With open palm, she hit her forehead, and put her one hand on her waist. I can see that she is very frustrated.   Mom complained, “I don’t know what to do with you anymore. When are you gonna grow up? When both of your parents are dead?”   “Why don’t you believe me? Whenever I tell you the truth you don’t believe it. Saan ako lulugar, Mom? Dad?” I pleaded.   “Sa States,” Dad uttered.   Nanlamig ang katawan ko noong sinabi iyon ni Dad. Napatingin agad ako sa kaniya habang siya ay kalmado lang na nakaupo hawak ang newspaper.   “What?” I creased my forehead. “No! I’m not going back to States!” angal ko.   I don’t want to go to States to study, it’s lonely there. Oo, buhay na buhay ang mga club sa States at kaliwa’t kanan ang mga kainan pero pag-uwi mo naman sa tinitirhan mo, ikaw na lang mag-isa. Mabibingi ka sa katahimikan.   It is going to be nice to visit the Riverside, but it is not the same as it is before because the person I used to be with there isn’t there anymore. Luke wasn’t there, he’s now studying at Cambridge, London. I’ve got no one there if I am to go back.   “Then do not put yourself in situations you know you cannot handle!” Dad exclaimed. He really is mad; he never shouts at us unless it is very serious.   Really, Dayn? You think this is not serious?   “No more school here wants to accept you! Aren’t you aware of that? You were better when you were in States! We never heard anything bad from your school there.” Mom said, she’s in the verge of crying. So do I.   I scoffed. I shook my head of disbelief.   “You weren’t there! You don’t know what I’ve been through in States, you weren’t there when I was crying my ass off because I almost failed! You weren’t there to cook for me, take care of me whenever I was sick, Luke and I did everything we had to do to survive there without your guidance! What, you visit twice a year, sent birthday cards, and give me everything I want? You think that’s enough?” Hindi na kinaya pa ng sarili ko na pigilan ang bugso ng damdamin.   “Enough of that!” Dad yelled.   “No! It wasn’t! What I needed was love, care, attention because I.Was.A.Fucking.Kid!” I said while still trying to keep my cool at a room temperature. “I was sixteen years old Mom, what the f**k do I know?”   The tears I was holding back gave up. I do not know what parts of my body is hurting right now, it just hurts everywhere. Whenever I remember those times that I fought the battles I should not be yet fighting, those lonesome nights that silence will make you crazy.   “There were these voices in my head that kept saying cruel words, and I was very afraid I might believe them. Highschool sucked the life out of me, I thought I was going to die. I cannot get off bed because I was too exhausted. You weren’t there when I was longing for your hugs and wisdom. I am crying for help, Luke was there, he is not my parent, yet he was there to replace your hugs.” Bumagsak na ang mga tuhod ko.   Mom broke down, she’s now crying and hugging me. “I am very sorry, Dayn.”   I saw Dad glanced at me. “You are going back to States, but this time after three months there, it’s your choice when you want to come back here.”   I never thought Dad was this cruel. He said those words then left. Going back to States was the bigger picture, the other details after that did not matter.     I had no choice but to leave Philippines again, and the group. Mom and Clein was crying when I left. Dad just stared at me.   I felt the anger in my nerves, but tears were the only ones who went out of my body. No words, just f*****g tears. I did not even get to say goodbye properly. That night when my parents and I argued, I snuck out to go to Ground Underneath.   I wrote a letter of apology to Dark. He wasn’t there when I arrived, so I slid it through the thin hole of his table’s drawer. I looked to every corner of the building, trying to copy its image in my mind.     Hindi ako makatulog dahil sa ingay ng makina ng eroplano. May ilang oras pa bago makarating sa Los Angeles International Airport. Iniisip ko kung ano kaya ang magiging reaksyon ni Dark kapag nabasa niya ang sulat na iniwan ko.   Lumihis ang landas ko noong narecruit ako sa isang rally laban sa gobiyerno at sa iba pang mga grupo ng tao, at doon nagsimula ang lahat. Noong napasok ako sa Ground Underneath, nakita ko lahat ng nangyayari sa likod ng maiilaw na lungsod. Sigalot dito, sigalot doon, kaliwa’t kanan ang mga riot, mga patalim na may bahid ng dugo, mga matang punong-puno ng galit at tuwang-tuwa sa gulong nakikita.   Anim na buwan pa lang ako, bago pa at wala pa gaanong alam. Tinuruan nila akong humawak ng mga patalim, at kung paano ito gamitin, kung gaano kabilis nito bawian ng buhay ang isang tao. Sa leeg, sa dibdib, sa tagiliran; mga parte ng katawan kung saan ilang saksak mo palang, mawawalan na ng laban at hahandusay na sa daan ang katawan.   There’s only one rule in that group, when you crossed the line, that’s when everything’s going to fall apart.   It is to never touch each other’s family. When you do, it’s a life for a life, no excuses.     I sighed as I stepped on the front porch of Luke’s house. I rang the doorbell hundred times, but no one opened the door for me. So, I used a thing or two I learned in the frat, I picked his lock and barged in. His house is the same as it ever it was, nothing ever changed except the pillowcases and the rug. I ran my hand over the tabletop, over the mantel, and touched few pictures of his family and us, there wasn’t any trace of dirt caught in my fingers.    If a crime was ever committed here, he sure will be one of the suspects, first because this is his house, duh. I thought. You should not clean perfectly like this, it’s unrealistic.   I went to his kitchen and checked his fridge.   What? Why is there nothing in here, and why is this not turned on? That is unusual of him. I rolled my eyes in his kitchen, there I saw another fridge that is a lot smaller than the one I just checked.   “So, this is the one you’re using now huh.” I got myself a can of beer.   The fridge has just enough food to feed him for like, a week maybe. There were also fresh fruits on his countertop. I head back to his Sala and sat there waiting for him to come home. I texted him that I’m home, but I did not include whose home was I.   He doesn’t know that I came back. I wanted to surprise him.   I heard some soft noise outside; he never hid well. Oh, he is whispering.   The door blast open and Luke appeared with his phone on his ears. “Sorry, it was just my bestfriend,”    “If you are seeing yourself in a mirror, you’ll see how funny and stupid your face looks like right now,” I laughed for a second.   “What the f**k are you doing here? Why didn’t you give me a call that you are here? The f**k?” he said.   “Ikaw nga rin e, hindi ka pala nakakaalis papuntang London. I’m so glad.” I glanced at him.   Luke is still in shock of seeing me here. He said, “Oh, yeah. I cannot leave yet, I am still processing my paperworks. Maybe next semester or next year.”   “You are drooling.” I went up to him and hugged him. “Look at you, all grown up. Your Mama must be proud, mustn’t she?”   “Nagsabi ako, Luke,” I answered.   He then checked his phone to confirm.   “You think that was enough? You did not tell me which house you’re home! And here you are, almost gave me a heart attack.” We sat on his sofa. He grabbed my beer and drank it all the way.   “You did not ask,” I laughed. “Who are you talking to kanina?”   “I was on the phone with 911! I thought some barged in to steal and is still in here.” He chortled. “The agent told me to not go inside, glad I did.”   My laugh grew louder. “There was nothing here worth stealing, Luke.”   “Yeah, really? How about those jibits from crocs?” he suggested.   My face went from laughing to emotionless. “That is so funny, my cause of death is going to be laughing at your stupid jokes,” I said with a straight face.   He let out a chuckle, he stood up and went to kitchen. Pagbalik niya ay may dala siyang dalawang microwavable containers na may lamang kakainit lang na lasagna, at siyempre hindi mawawala ang pambansang Coke.   “Ang bilis mo naman ako namiss, six months pa lang hindi mo na kinaya na wala ako sa tabi mo,” biro niya, ata.   “Paano bang kuwento gusto mo? Dramatic or not?” sabi ko sabay subo ng kutsara sa bibig.   Kumutsara ako ulit at isinubo iyon sa kaniya.   “Ikaw bahala, ikaw magkukwento ‘diba?” He poured a glass of coke and gave it to me.   “Naalala mo yung nabanggit ko sa iyo noon tungkol sa rally?” panimula ko.   Tumango siya bilang sagot. “Parang ang babaw naman noon para pabalikin ka rito?”   “Fraternity pala nasalihan ko.” I scooped some lasagna and brought it onto his mouth.   Nabilaukan siya bigla dahil ata sa sinabi ko. Agad ko siyang inabutan ng Coke, uminom siya pero mas lalo lang siyang naubo kaya tinapik ko siya sa likod.   “Ano ba iyan, mamamatay ka pa ata,” Tiningnan niya ako nang masama.   Nagulat ako nang umubo siya ng malakas kung kaya napalakas tuloy ang pagtapik ko, naging tulak iyon at nahulog siya sa sahig, muntik pang masubsob ang mukha niya sa center table.   Lumalim at naging putol-putol ang paghinga ko dahil pinipigilan kong tumawa. Inilahad ko ang kamay ko para tulungan sana siya pero hinawi niya iyon. His eyes are throwing knives at me.   “Bibilang ako ng tatlo, kapag nasa harapan pa kita, babalatan kita nang buhay,” sabi niya nang makaraos mula sa pagkakasamid.   Hindi ko na siya hinintay pa na magbilang, tumakbo na agad ako palabas at naisipan na sa Riverside dumiretso. Huminto na ako nang makalayo na ako ng malayo sa bahay, luminga-linga ako dahil baka nasa likod ko lang si Luke at nagtatago. Nang makumpirma kong wala ay minabuti ko na lang na maglakad. Papunta roon ay may mga nakasabayan akong mga iilang tao na nagj-jogging, nagpanggap na rin ako na nagj-jogging din.   Pagdating ko sa Riverside, laking gulat ko na may nakaupo sa gilid mismo ng ilog.   Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kaniya saka siya biglang itinulak sa ilog. Kumawala sa bibig ang malalaking halakhak ko na akala mo kinikiliti at nauubusan na ng hininga.   “Nababaliw ka na ata,” someone behind me talked.   Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at bumagsak ang panga ko dahil sa boses na aking narinig. Anong katangahan na naman ba ito? Dahan-dahan akong tumalikod para tingnan kung sino ang nagsalita kahit kilala ko naman kung kaninong boses iyon.   Kay Luke. Ibig sabihin ay ibang tao ang natulak ko sa ilog. Pagharap ko ay saktong pag-ahon ng lalaki, basang basa ito at parang nilukot ang mukha dahil sa inis.   “What the f*****g hell is your problem?!” sigaw nung lalaki. Handang handa na siyang magsimula ng away.    Oh f**k, retreat!   “I thought you were my friend. I am very sorry!” Hinila ko na si Luke papalayo, nagpatianod na lamang siya.   Huminto sa pagtakbo si Luke at bumagsak sa mga tuhod niya. Hingal na hingal kaming dalawa dahil malayo-layo rin ang aming itinakbo.   “Putangina, ano iyon?” tanong niya. Halos kapusin na siya ng boses dahil sa hingal.   “Akala ko ikaw iyon!” Pinunasan ko ang pawis sa aking noo.   “Ha? Bobo, nauna ka kayang tumakbo!” sagot niya. “Anong ginawa mong katangahan ha?”   “Naitulak ko yung lalaki sa ilog kasi akala ko ikaw ‘yon, hindi pala.” Kinakagat-kagat ko ang mga kuko sa daliri ko. Tinampal iyon ni Luke para matigil.   “Ano?!” sigaw niya. “Tangina ka, tuwang tuwa ka pa sa kalokohan mo kanina pagdating ko, maling tao naman pala. Akala ko nasisiraan ka ng ulo!”   Tawa kami nang tawa habang naglalakad ng pabalik.   “Wait, paano ka nakapasok sa bahay ko?” tanong niya.   “I picked your lock. That was very easy, Luke. You should change your locks,” I suggested.   He was utterly befuddled about it, “How did you know I am still the person living there?”   “Really? You are asking that question? That is the stupidest question you have ever asked me,” I rolled my eyes at him. “One, the place was spotless. Two, the fridge is full. Three, the picture of us holding the stone from Riverside that we painted is still there. Where? On the mantle, right beside our graduation picture from middle school.”   He placed his hands across his chest and gasped a little. He walked fast, past me, still with his stiffened posture. He looks like a robot who malfunctioned and now won’t stop walking. He saw that I was chasing him, so he run faster.   Ugh, this stupid ass   And there, all the feelings I felt when I left Philippines are now all gone. Though not permanently because I know it’s just sleeping for now, and soon will be woken up if triggered, but at least it’s sleeping.