The Past

Chapter 1BRYSON It was race night. I had been coming here with my brother since the moment he had gotten his license, but tonight was different. I had my license for two months and Corbin had taken the test this morning. “Sure you don’t want to race, Bry?” I looked up to find Kenedy standing in front of me. I slid back so that I was sitting on the hood of my car, and shook my head, “I’ll pass, Ken. I’d like to keep my position on the team.” “Your loss.” I shook my head at him. I basically had replaced him on the team when he got hurt and now, the team was headed to the district finals in a week. No way was I screwing up my position. “Fine,” he huffed. “Is Mercer coming?” I shrugged, “Who knows.” I wasn’t sure where Corbin was, but I secretly hoped he had changed his mind about this. “If he doesn’t, it’ll mean he chickened out,” Kenedy laughed. I shook my head, “Knock it off, Kenedy. He only got his license today.” Kenedy laughed harder, “Maybe he didn’t pass.” I jumped up, clocking Kenedy with a right hook. “Damn it, Bryson!” he hissed. I was just as shocked as he was. I couldn’t believe I had actually hit him, but, for years, I listened to people whisper about Corbin when he wasn’t around and never did a damn thing about it. I had been a lousy friend, but I wasn’t taking any more of it. Corbin was a great guy; if only he would allow other people to see the Corbin I saw, instead of the Merce Man. I hated the front he put up and couldn’t understand the need for it. I was huffing, my blood was boiling. “You’re an ass,” I seethed. From behind me hands pressed down on my shoulders and I fought against them; I wasn’t done with Kenedy yet. “Calm down, bro.” I whipped my head around, finding my brother Bennett. I glared for a moment, trying to find the words I wanted to say, but they didn’t come. I shook my head and stormed away, leaving them both stunned in front of my car. Where was Corbin? We had to get out of here. I closed my eyes and an image hit me hard. Corbin racing Kenedy and then... CRASH My eyes shot open. No, no way was he racing now. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t lose him. He was my best friend, but he was more too. I just needed the right moment to tell him what he truly meant to me. I needed the right time to tell him that I was in love with him. I had been battling my conflicting feelings for a year now, but I knew in my heart that I was meant to be with Corbin. CORBIN I watched and listened as Kenedy verbally attacked me and laughed at me. I was used to it. I never understood it but had accepted it. When I was in everyone’s presence, I put up a front. The Merce Man. Up close, they loved me. But when they thought I wasn’t around, they teased me just as I had become accustomed to. All of them−Kenedy, Bennett, nearly the whole school. All except Bryson. He had been my one true friend. The one person who saw what I was and didn’t laugh at me. Except, I had hidden from him as well. I couldn’t share with him the complete me, because I was scared of losing my only friend. So, I showed him just enough. Things had been different lately. There were times where I caught Bryson staring at me. My heart would begin to hammer in my chest and I would look away. I had hoped I had been reading him right. I was sure I was, but I couldn’t admit it completely. No, if I did that and I was wrong, then I’d lose the most important person in the world to me. No matter what I did, it always felt like they all saw the secret I held so very close to my heart. I’m gay. I had always known that, and there was just one person I dreamed about. Bryson. I wasn’t worthy of him. He was a huge baseball star for the school and I didn’t want to be in the way. So, I quietly pined away for him. The gut-wrenching fear that he would one day see what I didn’t want him to led me to reckless choices. But, right now, in this moment, after seeing him defend me, I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and kiss him. I reached into my pocket and fished out another one of my mom’s anxiety meds. I think this was the fourth pill in three hours. Bryson affected me in ways I couldn’t explain and tonight, my anxiety was off the charts. I took a deep breath and then snuck up behind him. “I’m going to kick ass.” My Merce Man persona firmly in place. He whipped around and his eyes held fear in them. “Don’t race. Let’s blow this joint.” I shook my head, “No way, man. I’m not chickening out.” He bit his lip and I could see the wheels turning. “Corbin, you don’t have to prove anything to these jerks.” I had so much to prove and I didn’t think I’d be able to express to him my reasoning. “I want to prove it to myself,” I whispered. I needed him to get this. I was pleading with him. Begging him to get it because there wasn’t any other explanation I could give, because the other one would put at risk our relationship and I wouldn’t be able to handle that. He took my hand and squeezed it, surprising me. My eyes shot down to our joined hands, “Please, Corbin,” he begged. I looked back up at the face of my best friend. I had never wanted to kiss him more than I did right then. I wanted to go. To blow this joint, as he put it, but if I did that, I’d never be worthy of him. “Bry, I have to.” He swallowed hard, wrapping his arms around me tightly, I squeezed him back, “Be careful.” I closed my eyes and fought for that guy I pretended to be. He has vanished and I needed him in order to fight past the emotions Bryson was bringing out in me. My resolve was crumbling and if we stood like this much longer, I would completely let my mask fall. “I’m always careful,” I said with a smirk as I pulled away, running my hands along my jeans. “Cocky arse,” Bryson laughed as he placed his hands firmly on my shoulders, “but seriously, be careful.” I nodded, hugging him again, “I will be.” I pulled away with the words ‘I love you’ stuck in my throat. If only I felt like those words would be accepted, I could say them. I chanced a look back at him as I neared my car. Once I was safely inside, I took another pill; that was five, right? Damn, I couldn’t remember. As I pulled my car up to the starting line, I looked for Bryson. Bennett was standing near him now, but Bryson’s stance was off. Normally, he and his brother had a good relationship and, truth be told, I had a good one with him as well when he wasn’t alone with his senior friends. The difference between Bryson and Bennett is that Bryson stood up for me. Bryson never participated in the talking behind my back. Bryson was my savior. The only person who kept me from drowning. I thought about his offer. I wanted to drive away with him. Kenedy revved the engine of his car, snapping my thoughts back to reality. To race or not to race? If I didn’t race, I knew exactly what would happen at school come Monday. I looked back to Bryson who was standing with his arms crossed, staring my way. I told myself this was for us. If I beat Kenedy, I would be cool. I would be worthy of Bryson. I would rush to him and kiss him hard and pray with all my might that he felt the same way. With those final thoughts, I revved my engine, and took one last pill.