Into The Wolf's Den

Grasping the thin paper in my hands, I looked up towards my grandfather. Looking up at the man who’d raised me for most of my life, at the man who had read me bedtime stories and tucked me in when I had nightmares. He just stood there solemnly, not saying a word. It was such a thin piece of paper that happened to be bearing the worst possible news. Looking back down, I felt tears pool in my eyes and it wasn’t long before some of them began slipping down my face. My head had been aching all day probably from anxiety from this appointment we were waiting on. We finally found out the truth of the health issues that my grandfather had been facing, we finally had answers. They just weren’t the answers we had been looking for. Stage 4 cancer It was all I could see, those three big words that would completely alter the course of our life. There were other things typed up on there like actions we could take, possibly medications to extend his life a little more. Treatments that he could undergo but it was inevitable that I was going to lose him for good. I couldn’t even begin to fathom a life without him. My grandfather was my rock, the only support I have left in this world and I can’t lose him. I’m not ready to be without him. Grandad gripped my shaky hand in his own, looking deeply into my eyes. The look he gave me told me the story that I didn’t want to hear. I never wanted to lose him ever, but especially not like this. Perhaps this was a cruel trick that fate was playing on me, maybe I was being punished for being a terrible teenager. I know I’ve done a lot wrong in my life and it was difficult to say the least but this was too far. Whatever the reason was, I didn’t want to lose him. It had been us against the world for what seemed like forever. Ever since I lost my parents we’d been as thick as thieves. We’d always been playing practical jokes on each other and laughing at corny movies. We were the true definition of soul mates, two peas in a pod. Life without him wouldn’t be life at all, not really. “Maddy,” my grandfather’s voice cut through the haze clouding my mind. Looking up at him through the blur of tears I clutched the paper tightly in my fist and screamed. “It’ll be okay Maddy.” “No, it won’t be,” I managed out. “This is my fault. It’s all my fault.” “Oh honey,” he said in an almost soothing way while he pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. Tears cascaded down my face and began to stain his shirt as I wept out my feelings. The sobbing shakes began faster than I could hold them back and even though grandad was the one diagnosed with cancer, I was the one breaking down. What would I do without him? I didn’t know how to be alone, I’ve never had to be alone before. Even when my parents died I wasn’t truly alone. My grandparents were there every step of the way, to help me and guide me. I had a few friends and my best friend stuck by me through everything. I’ve never had to endure a night alone ever before. “I do have something to tell you though.” A sinking feeling began in my stomach as I looked up at him, noticing the differences I hadn’t really seen before. I noticed his skin was paler, his skin was paler than usual and his eyes looked sunken. His hairline had receded further back than I really remembered and his hair wasn’t as vibrant and lively as it was before. He wasn’t a particularly tall man before but now he looked like a shadow of his former self. Had I been so blind as to not see this? Had I been so caught up in my own life that I’d not noticed how unwell he had looked? No. I’d begged him for months to go see doctors and the specialists that he needed to go to. He’d brushed me off saying he was just tired and old and this is what happens as you age but I had known something was wrong. I didn’t push for him to go as hard as I should have. The realisation made me feel nauseous. “What is it Grandad?” “I don’t want to spend the rest of the time I have left with you, sick and unable to do anything.” I didn’t quite catch his meaning, what does he mean by that? “Maddy…I don’t want to take the doctor’s suggestions. It’s only going to mean that the time I have left is going to be you looking after me. I will be too sick to do anything, too sick to travel or be present in your life. “Truly present…not just around. I want to enjoy my time with you, I want us to make memories. I don’t want you to remember me stuck in bed or throwing up non-stop. I don’t want you to remember me as someone who isn’t me.” I started to catch his meaning, he wasn’t taking the treatment, he was going to let the cancer take over his body, devouring it like the ocean devours whole ships. My whole world began to completely shatter, the illusion that everything would be okay began to disappear. My breathing quickened, my chest feeling tight as I started to hyperventilate. The world felt like it was closing in on me. Darkness loomed at the corners of my vision, falling to the floor, the world went dark and cold.