If Death's a Mispronounced Word, I'd Say Your Name

I used to be myself, thought that I could be like that forever. But unfortunately, something rose inside of me, because right now, it's all true, Carmen, does really kill men. I was 3 when my mother first made me drank alcohol and to my surprise, I'm all so healthy and so alive. I was 9 when I first puffed a cigarette, though it didn't became an addiction, it turned out to be when I turned 18. I know right? I should have continued doing them. I've had my first boyfriend when I was still seven, and you know, I'm still in love with him, but he's married, got a kid, and named her after me, and do you know, his wife died? Oh, just joking, the only truth I've said here is that he's my first boyfriend, he's still single now. Carmen Elle. Fuck. That. Stupid. b***h. Yes, I'm talking to myself, but I don't hate me, but you? you can, and you should, I thrive with hate, just like a fish needs water. My weaknesses? Goddamn, anything that takes advantage of me, anything that controls me, I hate that s**t. When I decide for things, it takes me years to be certain, because I always construct a plan before taking action, and the only talent I have is being in control with my emotions, observing people before striking, because as the noblest people say, patience is virtue, so I should know when to strike, be it when the enemy is weak or strong, or whatever Mr. Sun Tzu has said lol. I live with my step mother, Lucy the b***h, can't stand her but she stuffs food inside my mouth. She takes care of me like a dog or something, she loves me even though sometimes she intends to kill me in my sleep, it doesn't bother me though, I could've died when I was 3, now look at me. Just kidding, I'd kill for my life. Speaking of love, I'm too skeptical to have one, what can I say, having and loving someone is different, I'll get too caught up with my obsession before that person even becomes an image of freedom. I like humans, but I could not love them on their own terms, only in mine. That's the version I know. And, what is love anyway, is it even real? The only real emotion I know is hate, I can see it liiiiive in action everyday. But yeah, here's to 19 years of suffering! It's time to end it all! I hurriedly ran downstairs to look for Lucy, she was reading a magazine, sitting in a queen like chair in the dining room, as usual, she was a model in her 20s, but sadly, because of the scandal she faced with her fellow workers, she no longer got accepted in multiple scouting companies. She still got that slim figure, tanned skin, coffee latte like hair, and a beautiful pair of eyes, she just absolutely looks like Snejana Onopka, amazing. "Hey, Lucy, do you mind if I go out? It's... you know, it's my day! I'm the birthday girl! Yay! Haha." I laughed awkwardly, I'm 18, and I still have to ask for her permission. She did not look at me, and instead, she just nodded, well, okay? I ran upstairs again and screamed without letting my voice be heard. I looked at my self in the mirror, my blonde hair sits right perfectly on my shoulders, I brushed it out and untangled every little thing. I put the dress I bought from a sale in a mall a week ago. It's in brown hue, perfectly fit. Hmm. I think I lost a couple of pounds this week. I reached out for my tape measure inside the drawer and immediately measured my waist, it says 21, and my bust was 32, holy, my waist measured 23 a week ago, should I be shocked? No lol. I barely even eat to be honest, I fast when I feel like it, or I just drink water all day, we all know, it has zero calories, win-win situation. I called Samantha to ask if she could reach Lindsey, my long-term best friend, she's as crazy as me. Samantha is her neighbor, a quiet-shy-unassuming-girl who lives with her firefighter parents. Incredible right? "Carmen, I think she's not inside their house, maybe you should try checking her out in the place where she usually stays in?" we both know where it is. Mickey's place, where all the kinds of drugs in the world are scattered all over the place. "I bet not, she told me she's staying clean now." I lowered my voice, I knew that Lucy was already suspicious of what my friends and I are upto lately. For not so long, I heard footsteps getting louder and louder on the stairs, I bet it's Lindsey. When I opened the door, there was a loud explosion and a bunch of colorful confetti hanging on the air. It was Lindsey and the maids, aww. As exactly as I imagined. "Happy Birthday Carmen Elle my love!" Lindsey shouted with a hint of enthusiasm. Lindsey was wearing a fitted black dress that suited her well because she was brunette, she's as chic as me, this is why we both really get along. She had that mesmerizing arabian eyes and a full lips that so many people would want to have but could only get when they perform lip surgery, because her lips is so rare and beautifully crafted by God that even doctors would ask her if it has been made. She's quiet taller than me an ich, I think she's 5'8. I approached her with a big hug. "Thank you Lindsey, you're literally the best!" When I hugged Lindsey, I saw Mada'am Lucy at the back of the maids, she looks unimpressed, what the f**k? Lindsey took the cake from one of our maids. "Make a wish hon." Lindsey smiled. I closed my eyes and thought about being a featured model in Elle magazine, even impossible, to see my dad once again, and lastly, to become a successful entrepreneur. I blew the candle and opened my eyes again, Lindsey and the maids were cheering, I noticed that Lucy was gone. "So, let's go? Where'd you wanna spend your big day?" Lindsey asked while holding my right arm. "It's still 6 pm; maybe we can go to some pub? You know we don't need fake ID's anymore right?" I whispered to Lindsey. "Of course!" She replied with a high pitched voice. Lindsey drove her pink Cadillac, we took random selfies and blasted the music on fire. 'Allie X- b***h playing...' words appeared from her player. "God, this is my favorite!" I shouted. "Sure you do! I know you!" she glanced over on me and focused her sight back on the road. "IN MY BONES AND IN MY SOUL, ALWAYS BEING YOUR CONTROL, I'M YOUR B*TCH! YOU'RE MY B*TCH! WOO-WOO!" we were in sync singing my favorite song. It's already 7:39 pm when we arrived to the club, we went inside and there were casinos, well-dressed people were playing them mostly. We decided to drink here inside before wasting our lives partying later, and also, we haven't had dinner since the ages. "Carmen, won't you mind about your calorie intake this night? Lindsey asked, being the thoughtful friend that she is. "Not much, it's a special night after all." I smiled. "Well, how about you?" I asked back, maybe she's restricted herself this day. She nodded with a frown. The waiter came in and handed the menu on our table. "I'd get steamed salmon with crispy fries, and some martini please." I handed my menu back and looked at Lindsey as a signal. "Um, I'd get one vegetable salad, and diet coke." Lindsey smiled at the water. The waiter repeated the order and then left after getting our approval. "You're not really joking, aren't you?" I asked her with a bit of concern. "Don't mind me, I've been eating non-stop because Robert and I were celebrating our monthsary last week, too much sweets, cupcakes all over the place, could you even imagine that?" Lindsey's complex right now is really pale, I started being skeptical on what she's saying. "Congratulations Lindsey, but your bmi is already 14, please take care of yourself!" I yelled at her, knowing that she loves hearing this type of things. "Thank you Elle, yours is 15, we're really not that close huh." After a while, the waiter came and handed our food. We started eating in silence. When we finished our plates, Lindsey stepped on my shoes. "Aw! Why'd you do that?" people are now staring at us. "You know what to do." here it goes again, she's telling me to leave the table without paying. "I'd go out pretending to meet someone, and afterwards, I'll call you and you'll pretend to go out to make a call." With a hint of sarcasm, I whispered those words to her. "Great!" Lindsey finds it amusing that I say the exact same words every time we eat out. I went out and pretended I was waiting for someone to arrive on a taxi, I looked at my watch and switched back my sight on the road. After a while, Lindsey opened the door and looked at me while holding her phone on her right ear. I took my shoes off and so as she and we ran really fast from the casino without looking back.