Her Unheard Weeps

Can’t breathe

Chapter 20

Ilang oras na pagkatapos malibing ang ina pero nakatayo pa din ako sa harap ng lapida niya. Hindi pa din talaga ako makapaniwala. Parang nabibilisan ako. Maybe that's just a normal reaction from a daughter who didn't even have the chance to say goodbye to her passing mother.

Kung tutuusin pareho lang din ng kami ng ate, the only truth that hurts me more is that she had her whole life spent being cared and loved by our mother, ako hindi. Maniniwala ba kayo kung sasabihin kong kahit kailan ay hindi niya sinabi sa akin na mahal niya ako? Because that's the hurtful truth.

She didn't. And how i wished i could tell her how much i loved her and i was deeply thankful because she raised me to be a fine lady.

After she was announced dead, we decided that we won't arrange a funeral anymore, bukod sa ayaw naming may makakaalam at wala din kaming masyadong pamilya, after all both my father and her was an only child at wala na din ang parents niya. Bukod doon ay wala na din kaming sapat na pera. The car that was supposed to be sold was crashed and we were forced to deduct the money for her casket at ang space ng lupang ito mula sa pera na sana ay para sa panganganak ng ate at kung sa ano mang possibleng mangyari during her labor.

To be honest, hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. I am so tensed, and so worried, and so...hurt.

Paano na kami ngayon ng ate? Siya na lang ang inaasahan namin dahil nga hindi pa makakapagtrabaho ang ate. Kung ako naman ang magtatrabaho, yes, i was thinking on finding a job, no! I will find a job, titigil na muna talaga ako sa pag-aaral.

My sister is getting weaker...her heart is getting weaker sabi ng doktor niya pagkatapos niyang mahimatay. They said that if possible, if given a donor which was impossible dahil ilang taon na din kaming naghihintay at palagi lang nasa list, hindi pa din siya nahahanapan ng puso. They said that they would perform a heart transplant on her, after niyang manganak.

It would be a risk yes. Pero siya na lang ang natatanging pamilya na mayroon ako ngayon. I don't want to lose her too. That's why i'm taking that risk. It would require a lot of money...like a lotttt of money. At hindi ko alam kung saan ko iyon kukunin.

Pagkauwi sa bahay ay magkaharap kami ng ate sa sofa, parehong tulala at wala sa sarili. We were both not functioning for the past couple of days.

Wala sa sarili akong napatingin sa kusina kung saan ay palaging nandoon ang ina. I bit my lip as i was waiting for a figure to come out while holding a spatula habang malakas na sinisigaw ang pangalan ko.

"Kailan tayo aalis?" I broke the silence.

"Siguro mapapaaga ang alis natin ash." She sighed. "The day after tomorrow. Pero pwede naman naging iextend para may pagkakataon ka pang magpaalam sa mga kabigan mo. O di kaya kay...uh.."

I just shot her a sad smile. "Wag na ate. Baka malaman pa nila ang tungkol kay mommy"

Ayokong kaawaan nila ako.

"O sige. Ikaw bahala"

"Plano kong maghanap ng trabaho pagkarating natin sa iloilo te. Okay ka lang ba na mag-isa ka muna sa bahay?"

"Ano? H-hindi...ash, mag-aaral ka diba?"

"Titigil na muna ako."

I squeezed her hand bago pa siya makapaghindi. Tinunguan ko siya at wala naman siyang nagawa kundi bumuntong hininga.

"We'll leave on Wednesday then" she stuck to the plan to leave on three days time. "May pupuntahan lang ako bukas"

"Okay. Ako din" ani ko.

"Tita...sorry po sa abala" ani ko ng dumating ang ginang.

Tinanguan niya lang ako at banayad na nginitian. "May problema ba ash? I mean...I didn't expect that you would want to meet again after you declined the money that i offered"

"Yon na nga po t-tita..."

Kita ang gulat sa mukha ng mommy ni oliver. "Tatanggapin mo na ba ang pera?"

Umiling ako. "Alam kong lalabas na makapal ang mukha ko sa gusto kong hilingin sa inyo pero desperado na po ako. I'm really in desperate need of help. At sa tingin ko ikaw lang po ang makakatulong sa akin."

Kumunot ang kaniya noo. Tila kursyoso na sa gusto kong sabihin.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapaiyak pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kaniya ang kailangan ko. I felt really low right now, asking help from her after i hurt her son. Pero sobrang desperada na talaga ako. Sobrang desperada na halos wala ng matirang hiya sa akin.

Ilang minuto na ang lumipas pero nandoon pa din ang gulat sa kaniyang mukha. Then a struck of worry and concern made it's way on her face.

"Tutulungan kita. Sa isang kondisyon" aniya na nagbigay sa akin ng pag-asa.

But then, i felt worried when i realized about the condition.

My heart race really at haste while i stare at the tall building. This very building holds a lot of memories. Full of happy ones, and i'm just about to mess it all up with sad ones.

When his mother told me about the condition, at first i was hesitant, ayoko na siyang saktan pa muli. But then again, when i thought about what i would gain from this, nilakasan ko na lang ang loob koL

Nervously, i texted him that i would meet him on this museum...our museum. Iniisip ko na lang na closure na rin ito para sa amin. And we've been together for a long time para hindi ko iyon ibigay sa kaniya.

Clenching tightly on the gold chains of my sling bag, luminga-linga ako, at nakita ko ang isang napakapamikyar na bulto na nakaupo mag-isa sa isang spot na madalas naming inupuan. Kaharap nito ang isang malaking painting na kaniyang tinitigan.

He was too focused on the piece of art that he didn't noticed me coming.

"Hey" he said without looking at me. I was wrong, he did noticed me coming.

"H-hi"

nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung mauupo ba ako sa tabi niya o ano. But later on decided to do it.

No one dared to say a word, we both stayed silent for the next couple of minutes, nakatingin lang sa painting na nasa harapan.

It's our favorite painting.

It added to the pang of pain in my chest. Kung may pera lang ako, bibilhin ko talaga 'to. At least i could hang it on my wall and stare at it almost everyday, it would remind me of him.

"You know...your mother invited me for lunch a couple of days ago" i broke the silence.

Nakita ko sa peripheral vision ko ang pagtingin niya sa akin. Pero nananatili lang ang tingin ko sa harap.

"f**k" he cussed in a whispery manner. "She did? When?" Aniya sa tonong hindi makapaniwala.

I gaped. "Hindi mo alam na pinuntahan ako ng mommy mo?"

"I didn't even know she was here" aniya na nagpataka sa akin.

"Hindi ikaw ang nagsabi tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko?" Gulat ko. Edi sino?

I became uncomfortable when his gaze landed on my flat stomach. I began to sweat bullets. Was my stomach so flat that it would be too obvious that i'm lying about the whole pregnancy? Mabibisto ba ako?

Damn! Sana pala ay kumain ako ng madami bago ako pumunta dito!

Tumagal ang tingin niya sa tiyan ko causing me to shift uncomfortably on my seat and clear my throat.

"Stop staring at my tummy. Look...i—i invited you here para—"

"Kailan kayo aalis?"

Natigilan ako pero agad ding nakabawi.

"It's none of your business now." I said coldly.

Kaagad ko naman iyong pinagsisihan dahil nakita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa kaniyang mukha.

"I just want to know" he whispered.

"Wala ka naman ng magagawa. T-tsaka...w-wala na tayo"

"That's the point..." nagulat ako ng abutin niya ang kamay ko. Napasinghap ako. "I want you to you come back to me. I've been waiting, you know? Na tawagan mo ako at sabihin mong babalik ka sa'kin?"

"A-ano?"

"I forgive you"

Umawang ang mga labi. "O-oliver. You're crazy!—you are crazy! Hindi ka dapat—hindi mo dapat ako pinapatawad! Hindi mo ba naiintindihan? I f*****g cheated on you! I had s*x with another man that is not you! You should despise me! Be angry at me! Throw harsh words at me! do whatever you want! Hindi ko deserve ang kapatawaran mo!"

"Ash listen..."

"Hindi! Magalit ka sa'kin! Please! Magalit ka! Sinaktan kita diba?"

"You'll be lonely"

Natigilan ako. I blinked multiple times. "A-ano? Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?"

"You haven't found the baby's father yet right?"

"I wasn't planning to"

Tumango siya, "how are you supposed to raise the baby without him?"

"It's not—i don't...oliver..really, it's none of your business! Alam mo, this is a mistake...inviting you here. Aalis na lang ako. Pasensya ka na." aakmang tatayo na ako nang...

"I can be the father of that baby ash"

Napaawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. "A-ano?"

"f**k" he said under his breath. "Ilang araw ko din itong pinag-isipan. Baby...i don't care about other people would say, i won't give a damn. All i know is that...i don't want you to be alone. I want to be the father of this baby. I'm ready. No one will know."

Natulala lang ako sa kaniya ng ilang minuto. Hindi pa din makapaniwala sa mga sinasabi niya.

"W-why is it that despite everything that i've told, you still managed to think of my well-being? B-bakit ako na lang palagi ang sinasaisip mo? Paano—paano ka? " I teared up.

Why is this so man so perfect that i began go think that i'm really not fit with him?

"I just love you enough na ayaw kitang bitawan"

Do you really love me that much that you would choose to waste your dignity and self-worth oliver?

Mali ito.

Umiling ako at pinunasan ang mga luha.

"I just came here kasi akala ko gusto mo lang ng closure. I didn't want to hurt you more but you leave me no choice." Kailangan mo akong bitawan.

Kumunot ang noo niya ng ilabas ko ang puting sobre galing sa bulsa.

"What is that?"

"It's the money that your mother gave me in—"

"Tinanggap mo?" He said almost a whisper.

"I did"

"But why?" I can sense the hurt on his voice. "You're not the astrid i know. My astrid will not choose money over me!"

"BECAUSE I'M NOT f*****g RICH LIKE YOU OLIVER!" I snapped na agad ko na namang pinagsisihan.

"Ash..."

"There are family—i have a sister that needs me...a baby that needs me. Hindi mo maiintindihan kung gaano kahirap para sa'kin 'to." I began to sob. Napatabon na lang ako sa bibig. "Did you think na ginusto ko 'to? Like you i didn't expect that s**t would happen! Everything just got out of hand..." hindi pa nagsisimula ay pagod na ako.

"You spoil me a lot. At kahit sa ganitong sitwasyon sinu spoil mo pa din ako to the point na gusto mo maging ama ng batang hindi sa'yo? I know you just love me oliver but sometimes you have to learn to let go in order for you to move on. Hindi ang katulad ko lang ang makakasira sa'yo."

"Baby" he took a step forward towards me at kinabahan na naman ako. "I just want you back...is that too much to ask?"

Sa nanginginig na kamay ay inabot ko ang kaniyang pisngi. I smiled in pain when he closed his eyes when our skin met, like he was feeling me.

"You deserve a woman...who is a lot better than me" with a less complicated life...

Kinuha ko ang kaniyang kamay at inabot doon ang kuwintas na binigay niya sa akin no'ng anniversary namin.

"Maraming salamat...sobra..sa lahat" i smiled warmly. Binawi ko na ang kamay ko na no'ng una ay ayaw niya pang bitawan.

"Is this really the end?" He said voice almost whispered and hopeless. Binaba niya ang tingin niya bago ako hinawakan sa kamay. He played with my fingers for a while.

"It's been fun" i smiled slightly. "Even though our happy times were short, i'll still treasure it deep inside my heart."

"Can i ask you a favor before you finally...leave?"

"Ano 'yon?" I said in a soft voice.

"Can you please stay even just for a short minutes?"

Pinagkatitigan ko siya ng ilang minuto. His eyes were almost begging, so i did nod. "Sure"

Umupo kami sa bench na nandoon na palagi naming inupuan. Nagulat ako nang hawakan niya ako sa balikat para mas lalong ilapit sa kaniya, hinayaan ko lang siya and even rested my head on his shoulders.

We stayed like that for a couple of minutes just staring at the piece of art we both loved while his lips was on my hair like he was trying to memorize my scent.

"This is where we first met" aniya pagkatapos ng ilang minutong tahimik.

"And this is where we'll part." I said bitterly.

"Oh? Saan ka galing? Bakit ang pula niyang mga mata mo? Umiyak ka ba?" Tanong ng ate ng makauwi na ako sa bahay.

I just ran and hugged her tightly. Mukhang nagulat naman siya sa biglaang aksyon ko.

"Ash..."

"Ate...i just got you a heart" i said in a whisper.