Unexpected

What does it mean to be important? What does it mean to have those that you loved snatched from you? Is it supposed to hurt this bad? Is it supposed to turn you into a jaded adult? How do you live after you've watched everyone you care about be reaped from your life? You live with revenge on your mind, you live with hurt, pain, the desire to hurt others. What do these visions mean? I feel like I'm losing myself, I don't know myself anymore and I'm scared but I can't control who or what I've turned into, I'm a monster now and I have to regain control but how?