Hate me, love me, kiss me

The Culpability in inclination

"I'm so sorry for loss," They tell me, everyone who comes through those doors is lying straight to my face. They never knew my parents, they never knew them for who they truly were. They all came for the gossip of what happened, when I don't even know. Alan was trying to tell me that I need to go to the hospital but I can't not when my parents' bodies were lying in front of me. After an hour of crying in his arms, I asked him where he was, if only he hadn't pulled everything out of the wood works his wolfs could have stopped them from killing my parents. I can't blame him,

"Serenity?" I look up and notice coach,

"I know I didn't know your parents but they sure did a hell of a job raising a girl like you. I'm sorry to see you like this." I faked a smile. 

I'm here all by myself, my brother doesn't know what has happened, especially because of his sudden urge to want to go to college; I'd rather not ruin it for him. Alan, stetson and carter have all left again, I don't want them here and I made that clear to Alan. I just want to be alone, I could have prevented all of this. My Mom and Dad could still be alive. This is all my fault. I look at my wrist to see what time it is but my watch is gone, I never take it off. Where did I put it? 

"Serenity, the funeral service is about to begin." The minister tells me. I nod my head. I walk in the doors and many people look at me as if I was walking down the isle in my black dress. I hear the big wooden doors closing behind me, I find my seat in the front row, all by myself. The minister walks up the stairs and stands in front of the podium. 

"Mr. and Mrs.White were great people, a volleyball coach, a volunteer at the homeless shelter. A mother and a father," 

...

F O R G E T M E N O T

I get home and the house is still a mess, I don't know if I was expecting it to be cleaned. I look at the spots where my parents' bodies were laying, there blood still painted on the floor. I set my keys on the counter and walk across the trashed and broken home and right to a corner of my room and sat there, crying. 

"I'm so sorry." I brush my hair back with my fingers and squall. I bring my knees to my chest, I don't deserve happiness, I was so selfish. I lay my head on my knees and zone out. I tried so hard to provide for her, and I failed. 

I hear knocking on the door the next morning, 

"Serenity? I brought food." I don't want to eat, or drink, or sleep, I'm just going to stay here for awhile. 

"Well, I'll just leave it right outside the door." I say nothing, I can barely hear her. I feel like an empty shell, or like glass. If someone were to touch me, I'd break, surely I would. 

I feel so, light headed, my body is trembling, it's raining outside again, what day is it? I try to take a breath but I can't, my stomach hurts. What day is it? I try to look at my watch but it isn't there. Why am I- oh yeah, my parents died and it was all my fault, they died because of me. Alan, where are you? I can't do this without you, why did you leave me again?  I heard a door squeak but I don't care if they're here to hurt me, my parents would be glad to see me gone- after all I did nothing in the end to help them. 

"My god. What have you done to yourself?" I heard carter saying. I look around me and notice the blood on my clothes, did I do this? These cuts aren't from me are they? I look at the scissors laced with my blood. I saw Stetson standing next to Carter. 

"You have to fix her Carter. This isn't the serenity we know." he turns his back,

"I don't have to fix sh*t." he begins to walk away but stetson grabbed his hand,

"Fine." Carter walks over to me and I look him in the eyes, there so green, there is so much sadness in his eyes. I lift my hand up to touch his face, 

"Why are you so sad?" I whisper. He was shocked, but closed his eyes in relief.

"I've seen some pretty terrible things." he says. 

I was picked up by him, this is the most gentle carter has ever been with me. He carries me through the threshold and I see Alan leaning against the wall looking sad. Did I hurt him, what, wait- why are they carrying me? Fix me how? No stop, please I can't forget the guilt, I don't want to forget what I did to my parents. Carter sits me down on the couch and places his hands on my knees, his gaze meets mine.

"Serenity, I want you to forgive yourself for what happened to your parents, you aren't at fault, I want you to feel happiness no matter how bad you feel-" Alan pushes himself off the wall. 

"-Tell her to forget she ever knew us-" Alan stated. 

"No." I interrupted.

"Tell her that she and her parents had a great last day together, she left for school that morning and had a great volleyball game that night. She came home and her parents were gone she got a devastating phone call, her parents were in a car accident and were killed by a drunk driver. Tell her-" I could hear his voice choke up and I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, 

"Please don't do this Alan." I cried. 

"Tell her to remember that she was loved."

...

 A N E W D A Y

I open my eyes to a bright beautiful blue sky and birds chirping. I feel different, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm happy and excited for the hugest volleyball game of my entire life. I get up out of my bed and look down on the floor, for what? I don't know. I grab my backpack and see the bus waiting for me, that's new. He never waits, if he sees me, he drives off. In fact, uh, I don't remember what I was going to say. I shake my head and run down my driveway. I get on the bus and smile, he was surprised.

"what is your name?" I ask him. 

"Rick Masters." he said. I nod my head and look on the bus, I'm the only one here. I sit down in the back on the right side. The bus moves forward. It passes by a house which makes my heart drop. Has it always been there before? I don't remember who lives there. 

The bus stops at my school and a bunch of people greet, my friends. Emily walks up to me, she is the worst. 

"Sorry- about everything. I know what it's like to loose the person you love the most." She does? I don't have time to learn something knew about her, even though she doesn't deserve my anger. I brush past everyone, I turn around.

"Please stop fretting everyone, I'm fine. Lets get ready for the greatest volleyball game of all time, shall we?" I smile and walk through the double metal doors. 

I tie my shoes for volleyball, and place my knee pads at my knees. Today I only want to play volleyball, it makes me happy and smile. Knowing that the coaches are going to be watching our team makes me giddy and want to play the best I can. I look at myself in the mirror, 

"There is nothing to be worried about, you don't have to get nervous, you're going to do great things." I told myself. Now lets play some volleyball. I walk out the gym doors and am greeted by my team, there arms crossed,

"Are you going to be okay to play?" My coach asks. I nod my head, of course I am. I know my parents just died but they wouldn't want me to miss this and mourn instead-  they would have despised that. I told them how I felt and it made them feel better. I was warming up and felt a pulse on the base of my head, I held it and began rubbing it, there is a scab on there. Did I hit that somehow? 

*distant screaming* I quickly turned around, I looked up in the crowd and saw my brother wearing a school shirt, he came? I smiled and waved. Where did I hear that scream? I shook my head and started passing to Emily for warm-ups.  

*Whistle blows* 

Emily and I are team captains, we have to guess heads or tails to see who gets to serve first. We guessed heads. The referee throws the coin and we watch it until it lands in front of our feet, tails. We shake the other captains hands and yell, 

"Volleyball!" As we run back to our lineup. Coach tells me our positions and which plays we should go with, she asks me what I think and I switch a few things up. I tell the girls with a signal behind my back. 

We've won two sets but we're behind 6 points in the third, if we don't pick up our slack this game could go to 5. I try to slow my breathing but for some reason, I can't get it under control, sweat hits the floor, I call a time out. The ref blows the whistle and I run straight for my water bottle. Coach asks me whats wrong but I don't know what to tell her. I hold my stomach, I think I haven't eaten anything, I start to feel that same thumping on the base of my head and begin to rub. 

"Got aspirin?" I ask. I place my hands on my hips and try and breath in and out, Emily hands me her inhaler, If someone sees me taking this, I could get in huge trouble. I walk to the back gym, where other kids are, I unlock the gate to the stairs and walk up to the empty wrestling room and take the inhaler. I breathe in twice and take another hit of it. I can breathe much easier now. I've never had asthma before. 

I walk back down there and lock the door, I walk into the locker room and put the inhaler in Emily's backpack. 

The last two points of the game are coming up and I've decided to let my substitute play for me, We're ahead by eleven and she needs game experience. We're about to win three sets and I'm excited to hear what this team is capable of. The last point is coming up, my sub, Maxine,  is right in the hot spot. The other teams spikers like to hit on the line to try and get us to think it's out. That is how they score most of there points but so far, they've had 14 spiking errors, if I were there coach I would tell them cross court or try and go through the blockers. Most of our team is short, it shouldn't be that hard to go through or even over us. The other team is so readable, they're going after Maxine, they know she's my sub, in order to be my sub you have to have the same attributes, they should know that. The girl goes full swing, her back arch is huge, her hand behind her head. I can see her hand making contact with the ball, the ball has a spin on it. I can see Maxine adjusting but she should see that the ball is going down, not back. When she realizes this she brings one knee down and has her platform to her left, the ball makes contact and makes it to the setter. The setter sets behind her- no, it's a quick set, she's hitting to Emily, her swing, she's tipping? Great read Emily, they were to worried about Madison's powerful back-row swing, they left the right front open. She places down the net and on the floor. The room was quite as Emily's feet touches the floor, then all of the sudden its everyone screaming and whistling. Our whole volleyball team hugs everyone on the court crying. The last game of the season. 

I pack up the stuff in my locker and into my bag, I can't believe we made it this far, we definitely deserved this. 

*Door squeaking* 

I turned around and notice three coaches from three colleges. They all smile, I was curious to why they were here, I almost forgot. In comes coach, 

"Serenity, I'd like you to meet, Mrs. Rogers from the university of Connecticut, Mr. Knivich from the University of Pennsylvania, and Miss. Ruschenbought from the University of Nebraska." I shake each one of there hands, there were eight of you, which means these three are wanting to recruit me, but I don't have the money to pay for a university. 

They gave me the summer to decide where I want to go, It would be a full ride scholarship, as long as I maintained my 4.0 G.P.A until I graduate. I lay in my bed staring at the papers, my brother left right after the game, he never gave me the chance to tell him about our parents. It's almost like someone keeping him from me, but why? and who? I scroll through my phone, then through my contact list, I came across a name, 

"Alan?" I said. I click on the number and it rings,

"hello?" I heard on the other line,

"Uh, hi. I found your number in my phone. Do I know you?" There was silence, a mysterious silence, I heard something in the background, almost like a 'who is there?' but I couldn't make anything out. Then the phone hangs up. Why did that hurt me so much? I lay my head down and stare at the ceiling and close my eyes.