Love, Cutter

Chapter 2

PROLOGUE

TODAY, IF I DON’T EAT, OR put gas in my car, or call my mom, it won’t make a difference. If I were someone important, or if my life had any sort of direction then yes, it might matter, but I am not anyone important and my life has absolutely no meaning.

However, all of the things I do today will mean everything to my friends and family. They will analyze every reason, every move I made, even thinking back for several weeks, maybe even months or years.

Nobody just wakes up and says, “Today is a good day to kill myself.” Some people, maybe even you, are thinking, ‘Yes, actually, people do that. They must, or why else would that day be the day they did it?’ But you are missing the one word in my statement that matters most, just.

So, let me say it again: Nobody just wakes up and says, “Today is a good day to kill myself.” See, that makes all the difference. Because it’s not that I woke up and decided to do it today.

At first it was that I felt, I don’t know, inferior. It seems like everything in my life goes wrong. I’m not smart or have a great personality. I look in the mirror and know that I don’t fit in.

So, one day something bad happens, as it tends to do in my life, and well, I think everyone would be better off if I weren’t here. Not that I would’ve done anything about it then, because I wouldn’t have. But that is the door. It adds an option to the list of options that I can store away to help me solve my problems. So, I live through every problem with that option. I could’ve done better in school and my parents wouldn’t fight so much. Or I could run away and they wouldn’t have to worry about my grades anymore. Or I could kill myself and be done with it.

You see it now? So my options grow smaller over time. See, I can’t do better in school, because I’ve tried. I’m no good at anything. I tried sports but ended up showing myself that I am even more of a disappointment in life. At one point, I was so angry that I would fight anyone and everyone I could find to fight back. I don’t even feel that anymore. School’s over and I’m bad at life in general now. I can’t run away because where would I go? And if I did get somewhere, what then? Would I get off the bus in a strange city, try to make a new start but end up blowing some guy in an alley for ten bucks to eat because no one will hire me? I wouldn’t do that. They’d have to kill me first.

So, there is one option left: do it myself.

But then, I shrug that option off because, truth is, I don’t really want to die. I want my life to be better. I want to be better. I just don’t see any other options. So, I live everyday knowing my options are dwindling and I am not good for anything. Until one day, I know the day has come. The day I wake up and know that I have no other options. Today is the day I kill myself. –Love, Carter